One of my very close friends had a baby yesterday. I was so excited. It is one of the first of many close friends that has had their baby this year with many more to come. I haven't even meet this little boy and I am in love with him. I feel like a proud Aunt telling everyone about his birth! Since my brother has no plans on having kids, this is as close as it is going to get on the Aunt scale.

From the day that I was introduced into the kids lives I have never tried to act as their mother. I knew it was important to everyone involved that I didn't and let's face it, I didn't want to be a Mom. I'm still not sure that I ever want to be a Mom. So I figured I would just take on an Aunt like role. I would love them and make sure they don't do things to endanger themselves but all in all, I will not parent them. It isn't my job or my place.

Then I moved into SO home. Things started getting better and better with the boys. They started warming up to me and they excited to talk to my about their latest video game or what they are doing in school. Good situation right?

I still can't get over the things that their mother does to SO and myself. She has been dragging us through the mud once she found out that we were serious and I have never been more furious at someone in my life.

It unfortunately has leaked into my life with the kids. I know that I should be a better person about it but I just don't love the kids. I mean I care for them, I don't want anything to happen to them but all in all. I would say I like them. That is about it.

I feel terrible because I haven't even met my new "nephew" and I love him already. Yet I can't seem to love these boys that I live with part of the time and who are such a huge part of my SO life (to say sole mate sounds corny but it is the only way to explain it). There is nothing wrong with them. They are prefectly well behaved, smart boys. I don't know if it is because their mother is the biggest bitch on the face of the earth or because they aren't mine but I just can't seem to connect to them.

I am counting down the days until these boys become teenagers and start hating their mother and realizing what a horrible person she is. I know that when they become teenagers that my lack of love for them will challenge my relationship with SO even more because they will likely rebel againist him as well. I don't want to ruin the relationship that I have with the boys but as the parenting plan modification trial has come closer and closer (she is getting meaner, ruder, the courts are supporting her actions... see my other posts about that!)... I feel myself pushing myself further and further away from the children.

Does this make me a bad person? How can I over come this? Will I ever love these children? Will it ultimately affect SO and I's relationship? I have tried to talk to SO about it but since I don't have children it is hard for him to understand what I feel like.