Well, it sounds like you have some adjustments to make. SS isn't going away anytime soon. I can understand your frustration with the situation, but I think you can make it better and even tolerable with a few steps.

Sit down with your husband and tell him what behavior of SS's bothers you and why. Next, you two should make some rules that you both agree on to follow when SS is visiting. When SS visits next, include him in the new rules so he knows what will and will not be tolerated. The whining comes with the age and maybe because SS has been thrown into a situation he's not terribly comfortable with. Maybe your husband doesn't really know how best to discipline SS because he has had little time with him. It's a process of trial and error.

Hang in there.

My first thought is that going out on Saturday nights without hubby isn't a good idea but that may not be a problem for you guys. It depends on what "going out" means. Bar hopping? Friends to movie and dinner?

I wouldn't advise anyone to continue on as if single once you are married. It think it invites a LOT of opportunity for trouble, but it may not be a problem for you two.

I for one take time to myself when skids are with us so that I can catch up on some things I like and the skids can have some alone time with their dad which I think is important. It isn't something that is a plan or said outloud. It just happens. We all benefit.

If you all spend Friday and Saturday day together it isn't unreasonable for you to go out with the girls on Saturday night without them. That could be their time. It could be beneficial for all so long as hubby agrees.

As long as you are doing an activity the hubby doesn't object to (bar hopping would be out for me -- girls nights okay), he should be up for it.

...as well as being beneficial to you. It sounds like part of the problem is that because he didn't know he was the father from the beginning, they missed out on that opportunity to bond. It's likely that your husband is going through what a lot of new stepparents go through... trying to bond with a child with whom you have no history. It's got to be hard. Maybe the two of them need some alone time to determine what kind of father/son relationship they are going to have. He needs to figure out what being a father means. And if you want to take yourself to the mall, do some shopping, have dinner with a girlfriend, whatever, and your husband is fine with that, then by all means do it!

Having said that, I think you should probably try to figure out what your role is going to be with this child and then begin taking steps to ease into that. Especially before you start having children of your own, if you plan to have any. When you're married to a man with a child, there's just no separating your husband from the child's father... they are one and the same, not two separate individuals. It's important for you to form a relationship with the child, too, as another parent in the household. It's such a huge transition and it's hard for everyone, but especially children who are that young because they don't have the same emotional maturity and emotional resources that we adults have. Give them time to sort out their relationship and find their way, then gradually increase your involvement to a level that is comfortable for everyone.

I married my husband when I was 31 and he was 33, we had four kids at the time... my son was 3, and his kids were 6, 9 and 10. With four kids, plus the fifth we added a year after our marriage, we never have had the time or the money to go out, whether together or separately. My "alone time" is when I am in the tub or doing the grocery shopping. But I wouldn't trade one second of those happy family memories that we made during the early years. This doesn't have to be a bad time for your family. It could be a very happy time.

~ Anne ~