Is It Really This Bad?
15 months into my relationship with my gf and in order to spare you a long story here are the highlights
- Financial abuse, controlling behavior and severe emotional manipulation by the estranged husband, who is pathologically narcissistic and controlling. He was literally driving her into poverty while he lived in a mansion, and she could not and would not see the truth, that he was using her and controlling her and lying to her to keep his money and keep her under his control. After finally seeing a bunch of emails that showed her the truth, she began pulling away from this.
- A divorce that just would not START. The result of the controlling behavior. One year after we met, it's started, finally. And it's UGLY. The stress from this situation is unbelievable. Court hearings, more financial abuse from him, constant strategizing and the inability for us to move forward are just a couple of the issues from the divorce happening in the middle of our relationship.
- From the beginning her now eleven year old son has literally HATED me. He, also controlled and brainwashed by the controlling, narcissist biological father. His behavior is rude when it's good behavior. The hatred of me is almost pathological. To me, not blinded by unconditional parental love, he obviously doesn't want to be dethroned. His father tells him to be the man of the house. He also has a very strong Oedipus complex going on. He bosses his mother around and demands physical attention from her (backscratches, rub downs), which part of me understands, and part of me is creeped out by. He always does his best to try and control her, and keep her physically next to him, which she responds to. She coddles all the kids, really.
- her daughter, 13, used to have a good relationship with me, until the father decided she liked me too much and started telling her stories that I stole his credit card information somehow and that I am after his money (although he cries broke to my gf and has not paid her child support in months, while he spends 50k in cash on a South Beach condo).
- Being dragged into court due to their divorce. Having to resist killing her husband, who is playing so many games and hiding so much money from her that a forensic accountant and divorce attorney both took her case bro bono.
- Seeing her respond to her son's hatred of me by excluding me from certain family events, for example, going to the pool. Basically, "My son is uncomfortable around you, so it would be better if you stayed away today." Again, on one hand I don't want to or need to always be around, but it irks me that it's an example of the kid manipulating, and getting his way, JUST LIKE his dad.
-This boys very brutal bullying of his 8 year old brother. AT times it's SO bad that I wonder if the boy is being seriously injured. My gf does not think it is serious. Says, "boys will be boys, they are brothers". Punching someone directly in the face is not normal. He has an almost criminal physical domination over his brother. I've stepped in. Twice. Not physically and not even raising my voice. My gf says she wants to handle the situation, and I've been the bad guy for being shocked at his behavior and calling the kid a bully.
She broke up with me over this.
- My relationship with the kids has become very distant. I've basically given up. They run the house. They call the shots.She's always coddling them.
- Obviously, I dislike this kid. I've struggled with guilt over this . She says, "You're the adult, you need to keep trying..." I do. I say "HI buddy". He ignores me. My daughter says, "Hey Tommy, I really like your shoes!" He sneers and ignores her. Keep trying? To what extent?
I read these accounts on this site, and I see a lot of the same issues. Many people very much dislike their stepkids. If I wasn't experiencing the same thing, I would be shocked. How could you hate a kid? Now I understand.
My question: How much is too much? When do you rightfully say, "I can't do this anymore. This is insane"
Or, are all step situations, by nature, insane?
Thanks.
One additional comment: the
One additional comment: the South Beach condo was a summer rental, for the 50k.
Oh wow!!! How old is your
Oh wow!!! How old is your daughter? I worry about her in this scenerio. My advice? Honestly?? Run! Run like the wind!! Sorry
I hate to admit it but I
I hate to admit it but I agree.... run!! run!! run!!
x
yes, most stepfamily-blending
yes, most stepfamily-blending situations have some crazyness in them.
Your gf is weraring rose coloured glasses and is in total denial that her 8 year old is getting abused.That part is beyond the normality of most step family scenarios.
Being ignored and disliked from stepkids and them trying to put wedges between you and your partner, even trying to be phisically close than you is sadly a normal part of it.My Sd was an extreme mini-wife and really needy with her daddddyyy , so I had virtually no time to breath when both were together.
The great thing is that my SO turned it all around and helped all of us through this situation.I know now that no matter how much I loved him, our rs would have broken apart by now if he would have left things where they were.I am very lucky and our blending goes relatively well now.
Stepparenting is about educating yourself about that subject to find ways to say what doesn't work for you without accuing her of being a bad parent.And all attempts can only work out if the partner is cooperative and open to adjust to the new situation.In your case it would mean that your wife nees to face a reality check about the 11 year old , which many "guilty parents " are not willing to do or not being capable of.
Did you read Stepmonster?This is a good book to learn about the dynamics in stepfamilies.
I think that what you can do in this scenario is limited , so I hope that your wife will listen and work with yu on improving the situation.
All step parenting situations
All step parenting situations are unnatural. We are not really meant to be a part of these children's lives, but somehow we decide to do it. "How can you hate a child?" Easy... we just do. They're not ours and they're not raised they way we would raise our own. It is unnatural to think that we could love them or even like them the same way their parents do. On the other hand, it seems that your gf is suffering from "divorced parent syndrome", in which case she's just letting the kids do as they wish and walk all over her because she feels guilty.
When is it enough? That is for you to decide. I ask myself the same question almost every day. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship when the kids aren't there, so that's why I stay and keep trying. But I would most certainly not tolerate being alienated from the family just because the kid doesn't feel like hanging out with you. Do you guys live together?
Well, there must be a reason
Well, there must be a reason that I'm still here. In my frustration, last night, I didn't mention that of course my gf has a lot of wonderful and nurturing qualities. I love her very much. I am experienced enough and old enough (44) to understand that she has baggage. I felt very betrayed when I discovered that her feelings for this man had not been resolved (a year ago), but I also realized that his emotional and financial abuse was a big part of it.
He even admitted to me that "there was truth" to my statement to him that he was intentionally starving her and making her vulnerable in order to maintain control.
I was the first guy to not be intimidated by his games. What kind of games? Threatening to plant drugs on my gf, of course acting like it was his choice whether she would be allowed to raise her kids, etc. Arranging crazy sick scenarios to intimidate her. One was him having a bunch of seedy characters follow her around and convince her that people were trying to have her assassinated. Acting like he was the only person she could trust. She was so brainwashed by him that she told me with a straight face that the FBI would do his bidding!
His latest game: because she happened upon a bunch of incriminating emails that showed his financial games and hiding money in different companies and his "gentlemen's agreements" with business partners to withhold money until he's divorced, he spends who knows how much to SUE her five times, each time through one of his companies, then acting like it was out of his hands and that he was concerned for her. He had the police investigate her for hacking (which it was not). FINALLY, I hope, she permanently sees what he is: a lying, narcissistic, controlling insecure sick person.
He alone makes me want to leave. Constant meddling by him in our personal relationship. Making sure the kids don't like me.
Absolute disregard for what's best for his kids.
Anyhow, enough about him, lol.
It's a messed up situation. Tommy controls his younger brother with alternating episodes of abuse, both emotional "you're stupid and good at nothing; you suck at everything..." and physical (beatings, pushing him around, physically dominating him) and kindness. He will be abusive, then when he's bored say, "Drake, want to play?"
I've never despised a kid before. Absolute abusiveness is what I see. Hearing him pick on his younger brother one day, I was in the bedroom, I started grabbing my hair into my hands and told my gf to please do something. We had agreed to let her handle discipline (which I read was healthier). She did separate them, but Tommy kept taunting Drake and telling him what a loser he was until the poor kid lost it.
Finally, I lost it.
I yelled to my gf, "STOP him NOW! HE IS A BULLY!!" I was told to grab my things and GET OUT. How DARE I say something so demeaning loud enough so her son could hear?!! HE is a CHILD"
I left, vowing never to return. "F THIS!" I told myself driving from her condo back to my place.
But, I love her. I sympathize. I see her bullied herself by her ex. I know on a level, her son isn't all bad. Sure, he hates me, but I symbolize a lot of uncomfortable things for him, mainly the breakup of his family, and someone who takes attention off him.
BUT, I have to admit, I also know that an 11 year old knows right and wrong. And I know the way he bosses his mom around, beats on his brother and is a mirror image of the man he idolizes, his father - I know the kid is bound to grow up abusive, controlling, and treating women like possessions.
I just want the kid to grow up respecting women. My gf doesn't see it! She can't see that her being coddling (which she denies) is hurting them!
I seem to end up the badguy.
But when we are together, I love being w her. I see her fighting back in her divorce, and it makes me thing this will end, one day. At least the control by the ex, I keep thinking.
It feels like a roller coaster ride. One day I'm OUT, the next I want to STAY.
I'm not sure when to quit. When is it selfish? When is it abandoning her?
I would seriously re-think
I would seriously re-think this relationship. She has to wake up about her kids and their issues now, before they just are who they are....Do you really want to be last in her life forever?
I used the term 'the seeds do
I used the term 'the seeds do not fall far from the tree' with DH, when I am referring to SKids. It's really not entirely their fault that they are batshit crazy like their mother but with still enough redeeming features from their father for me to stay. DH was, maybe to a degree still is, disney dad. I know those kids went through a lot with their mother.
Non the less, they do know right from wrong and have the ability to make choices. I'd suggest to her that maybe the genetic makeup of SS could be responsible for his behaviors...worked for me! It took the focus away from blaming a person. It's a long haul to undo the damage that man did. The best thing to do is ignore him, treat her like a lady deserves to be treat and in time she'll spot the difference, as will the boy!
Keep out of disciplining the kids. I had to do that to preserve my own sanity, seriously! The more you try to 'help' raise the kids the more ammunition they have to play one off against the other...right?
It's not easy but we survived and I am now seeing turnarounds from DH and he's dealing more effectively with SKid issues now. It's been eight years for us and I am in this for the long haul.
Oooh. I'm generally not one
Oooh. I'm generally not one to chime right in with leaving, but I think the only way you could stay is if she and her kids start therapy. Getting her in counseling is the kindest thing you could do for her. I think the fact that you've stayed involved this long is a testament to your own strength. Please don't think of it as abandoning her if you decide to leave. This is not all on you. She has responsibility in it.
This is NOT a run of the mill step situation.
Get out. Get out NOW. Run for
Get out. Get out NOW. Run for the hills. Move the f*ck on. How else can I say it? No good will come of this. NONE.
It sounds like you already
It sounds like you already know the answer to this question. You have had enough. I can see that since you have lasted this long that you obviously love this woman, but sometimes the baggage is just too much. You have given it a good shot but it might be time to part ways...
Your girlfriend is not
Your girlfriend is not emotionally available to be in this relationship. I always advise people to NOT get involved with people who are still legally married or in the middle of a contentious divorce litigation.
You cannot give her a spine while dealing with her ex. You cannot make her strong. You cannot give her self esteem. These are all things she needs to find and do on her own.
I would hope she has lawyered up with the slimiest lawyer in town (those work the best IMO) and I would also hope that she has a temp support/financial order from the court.