Thank you. Like I said I feel a little silly for posting because I don't really have a question and I don't need to vent, as it were. I think sometimes I compare myself to my friend who has taken over the motherly role for her stepchildren since their mother is not very present. My friend seems so clear about who she is to these children and they have responded so well to her. I don't have that with my husband's daughter and I don't think I want it. Even if I did want it it's not necessary because her mother is quite involved. I just don't know yet what it means to be a stepmother, I suppose.

Thank you. I do feel better knowing that there are challenges for most people in this situation. My friend makes it all sound so peaches and cream. I often wonder why I'm not more enthused. Everything's okay but I just don't really feel all that connected to my husband's daughter. I don't mind her but I am happier when she's not here. I had no idea how intrusive children are, even well-behaved ones.

Thank you. I'm reluctant to tell my husband how I feel because I know he really wants me to love his daughter and the truth is I don't. I don't dislike her but I don't love her. We don't fight but we don't really bond either. I wouldn't know what to say to my husband at this point because I think he's doing a good job and I would have nothing to ask of him. But thank you for your advice I will remember it.

Things are going well but I still have this nagging feeling of being on the outside, not really being part of the family when my husband's daughter is here. Maybe if I assumed the mother role like my friend has with her stepchildren it would be clearer. But that's never going to happen because my husband's daughter has a good relationship with her mother. I think what I'm trying to sort out is who I am in this situation.

I feel no need to be a parent to my husband's child. So what am I, exactly? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I should say that my husband isn't in contact with his ex every single day but he does need to coordinate with her once or twice a week since he has his daughter half the time. From what I can tell they talk only about their daughter and her schooling and schedule and things of that sort. It seems very above board and friendly to me. A text here and there, an email to sort out an appointment, that sort of thing. Is it not a good idea for them to work these things out?

Hello! I must figure out all these acronyms. I'm lost at the moment!

Thank you. Friendly strangers, that's how it is exactly. I wonder sometimes if it will always be that way. I would be fine with that. And then I think there's something wrong with me because shouldn't I be pushing for some kind of bond with this child? Shouldn't I love her in some way because she is part of my husband, whom I love very much? He is quite engaged as a father and close with his daughter in a way I admire. Maybe that's enough.

That's reassuring. I have never been faced with this before as I'm quite comfortable with who I am and can be myself around just about everyone. But around my husband's daughter I don't quite feel I can be myself. I resist the urge to try too hard and I observe. I'm not cold I don't think but I'm not warm and cuddly. I think part of my uneasiness is the feeling that I'm being watched and reported on back to her mother. I don't know why I feel that way, there's no real evidence that that is going on. Her mother and I have no quarrels and I don't expect we will. I can't explain it, it's just a general sense of uneasiness when this child is in our home. Maybe it will just take time for me to get used to her.

Thank you. I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for beyond candor from women who know what this experience is really like.

Oh dear. I'm sure I will make many mistakes but I can't imagine that would be one of them. I'm rather glad that my husband's daughter seems to want little from me. Why should she? She has a mother and a father who love her and take good care of her. I'm reading about "disengagement." It sounds quite dramatic. I hope it goes well for you.

Good lord. Seven years? I'm glad I've resisted the urge to read anything about this stepparent business. I'd go mad. I like the way you put it: "a stranger with whom you share a common friend." That's about it. My stepdaughter and I have one thing, a very big thing, in common. We both love my husband slash her father. My hope is that's enough to get us by. Oh yes, the "love them like our own" mentality. My good friend fits that perfectly. She really does love her stepchildren with all her heart and she jumped right into the deep end with them. I'm more of a cautious type and I hope she doesn't get burned. So far my husband hasn't pushed me to the side. He hasn't tried to move me, either. He just lets me be right where I am, which is fine by me. It works. As for his daughter, well we'll just let some time slide by. Seven years, perhaps.

Perhaps. But she has a less complicated situation. It's just her and her husband raising the children as the mother is out of the picture. I don't envy her, though. The children are ready to eat her up they need maternal love so badly. That would drive me running and screaming into the woods.