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My First-time Pregnancy vs BioMom's Elective Surgery

bravinit720's picture

Just needing some support over here. You know how there is no one a step parent can talk to about their frustrations because other people cannot put themselves in your shoes? That's why I need you folks who have done and are doing this! 

So my problem: I'm about to become a bio-mom for the very first time. It's exciting and nerve-wracking and very emotional. I love my BF of 2-1/2 years dearly. He was made for me as far as I can tell. His 6 yo daughter (my SD) is mostly wonderful as well. We have her 50% of the time. 

Well, I need the space and peace that every first time parent I know got to have when bringing their first child into the world. Nesting together with hubby; peacefully watching my new baby sleep; not having extra stress around childcare and juggling of school responsibilities of SD (other than what we are normally committed to). But, instead of having that, my SD's BioMom has scheduled an elective surgery entirely across all possible delivery dates of this child. It will last an entire month of recovery leading up to and covering the delivery date. We are now entirely responsible for SD going forward. She is not providing any additional care from her side, like parents or friends. Yet we have to fly in relatives and pay for hotels now for extra coverage of SD.

I've lost those last moments of 1-on-1 time with my partner, gone into the abyss of the next 18 years. I've lost the peace and quiet of not constantly hearing "my mom went into the bathtub with my dad while she was giving birth to me", "my mom put cream on her belly when I was inside", "you're the heaviest you've ever been", "this is really going to hurt you", "you only have 5 weeks left to finish this baby room, I don't think it's going to happen", "I saw a lady at the store and she was way tinier than you but more pregnant" and constant walking under my feet and banging into each other and almost falling down because she wants to be on top of me all the time. 

I'm bummed to be second rate. I've never been married before and come to this with no previous challenges to deal with. So being the only one to take second fiddle, and to have my first-born be second place as well, is just hard and sad. 

Any tips or consolation would be greatly appreciated. I'm not looking to get angry about this, because it is what it is, but just need a friend. 

Bravin'It720

Harry's picture

For his DD. Outside up your home.  His parents, MIL or babysitter to take care of his DD. So he can devote all his time to you. So he will have time To go to the bathtub and rum cream on your belly. Or do what you need to be done with out a interfering SD 

ndc's picture

That is sooo annoying!  Not so much that BM scheduled elective surgery around your due date (maybe she has constraints you don't know about), but that your boyfriend agreed to cover BM's weeks under the circumstances, especially without you agreeing to it.  Why can't BM get her friends or family to help her with SD? Why is your BF taking that on? As a parent already, he presumably knows how much work a baby is,  how exhausted a new mom is,  etc.  If your BF is going to agree to this, he needs to arrange care for SD and keep you and the new baby as his priority during this time. 

I have a young DD and 2 SDs (now 8 and 5, then 7 and 4), and my mom offered to come take care of the SDs if the baby came during our time. (DH has no family in our area). As it turned out DD did arrive during DH's days, but BM took them so my mom didn't have to and we were skid free for 2 full days of labor, our additional 2 days in the hospital, and our first 3 days at home with DD. It would not have been easy for me to deal with 3 kids while adjusting to first time motherhood, or for DH to be spending his time with skids instead of helping me with DD, so I was grateful to BM.  

Your boyfriend needs to step up big time and make arrangements that work for you.  And while he's at it he should make his daughter treat you with more respect.  No 6 year old needs to be telling you that you're heavy,  comparing you to other pregnant women or telling you that the baby's room won't get done on time.  That doesn't even seem age appropriate,  but it's certainly not appropriate from a manners standpoint, and your boyfriend needs to put an end to that type of thing. 

FWIW, after the first week I was fine dealing with the skids.  Things really went pretty smoothly and they were good big sisters who tried to help.  I never feel like my DD is "second" or a lesser priority - after all,  she is the full time child in our home.  So that might not end up being a problem for you. Good luck - I hope it all works out and your birth experience and "4th trimester" go well. 

 

 

shamds's picture

Her elective crap does not take precedence!! She also doesn't palm off sd into your home indefinitely or for those initial weeks that you want to bond with myour newborn 

also when i had both my kids, sd's had both ended contact with their dad several yrs before thanks to pas. When they first met us oh boy did they criticize my kids. They're asian so dark skinned and anytime someone complimented my kids strawberry/blonde hair and fair skin or curly hair they all claimed they had it but it disappeared as they got older and same will happen to my kids...

right brown skinned 100% asian kids actually had naturally blonde hair?? Its lack of manners and just skids way of putting people down and in my case they have no shame putting down an innocent then 1 & 2 yr old...

I don't tolerate crap from skids. Hubby is told to handle it immediately now!!

SittingPretty's picture

I wouldn't allow SD to come near my newborn baby given the circumstances at the moment. Is she in school or daycare? FORGET IT. My friend is due in November and they aren't even letting her mother near the baby because she's a nurse so constantly around so many people. Her doctor has given her the advice that they should remain isolated for 6 weeks with their newborn. They are going nowhere and are ordering groceries online. 
 

Your baby will have no immune system. Will SD go and see BM after she's been in hospital? That's another layer of risk. 
 

BM constantly sent me sick SKs when I had a newborn. I was livid as I always had an ill baby. There is no way I would allow a school aged kid near my newborn right now.....

bravinit720's picture

I appreciate everyone's words of advice and encouragement.  I agree on two fronts: this does seem like a deliberate manipulation on BM's part, and my BF's handling of it will show his priorities.  
 

The problem is- BM is a very good manipulator and BF is a very big caretaker of his people (SD and me).  So, because she's managed to pitch her friends and family as such big losers, they can't be counted on to take care of SD.  (Conveniently they are not described as flakey losers during normal times).  This means my BF feels he needs to look out for SD to make sure she's cared for properly  

My BF stepped up to get his parents to care for SD for 2 days when labor starts, then pushed BM to get her mom to come for up to 5 days after that.  We still have to do the month leading into birth ourselves, so I've lost that time to cherish our last days solo together.  Which I agree, is a stunt on BM's part to make this time about her.  She was upset when she found out we were having a baby (after having been divorced from him for several years by that point).  So I think this is her way of getting back at him or me or both.  
 

But in the end, although he doesn't see how he's being manipulated, I still love my BF like crazy. If his worst quality is wanting to make sure his DD is taken care of (not by flakey losers) yet still making at least a week of space to welcome his new child into the world, that's something I guess I can live with (I've had much worse in partners).
 

It will, however, be REALLY hard to see his ex-wife with respect again after this.  A few weeks ago her mom was considered respectable enough to make a plan for having her as our childcare during COVID, but now she isn't good enough to help her own daughter out during a major (yet elective) surgery? These last two years her BF has been good enough to be called "partner" and make rules/reprimand my SD but now suddenly he's a loser who refuses to help w/ SD during her recovery? It all sounds like convenient BS to manipulate the situation.  
 

Wish me luck as I attempt to wrap up all my work (I run 2 businesses, yikes!), make a baby room, prepare for birth, and care for my loved but oh-so sassy SD (w/ a mouth ahead of her time)! Don't worry BF will be helping with all that and taking on the lion's share of responsibilities at home. I appreciate you all. 

tog redux's picture

I'm sorry - no. You are giving your BF a pass that he doesn't deserve. "Sorry, BM, I can't take SD for anything other than my normal custody time," is all he has to say.  He doesn't want her cared for by flaky losers? That doesn't pass the smell test. BM is her mother, and as such, has the right to leave her with whomever she pleases.  Your BF playing the hero at your expense is unacceptable. Unless those people she leaves SD with are on the sex offender registry, he doesn't need to swoop in and be Super Dad.  And don't think BM didn't know that's what he'd do - that's what she WANTED him to do - to show that his loyalty is to HER and SD, and not to you.

This isn't BM's fault, this is your BF's fault. He's allowing BM to manipulate the situation and making himself sound heroic in the process.  If you've had worse in other partners, that might be why you feel he's "made for you", because you are willing to accept being treated as third on his list of priorities, below SD and BM both.

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree it is a very simple statement that the BF need to make to BM. -Sorry but no. 

She can figure out what to do with SD on her parenting time. 

Just out of curiosity what is her elective surgery? Are we talking Bariatric surgery, Hysterectomy, or Boob job here? 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Another poster posted a link about the drama triangle. It's kind of simplistic but makes sense. I feel like her BF may like to play the "rescuer" role. With needy BM and poor little SD as the victims, that sets OP up to be the persecutor. If BM can manipulate him into thinking there is absolutely nobody else who can care for SD (when it suits her to do that - i bet she finds help all the time when it suits her to find help), that creates a bad situation. I saw it with my SO when BM basically held him hostage by using his house as no-questions-asked anytime drop in care. These "rescuer" types can't say no when they picture their little angel needing help. OP can either try to out-victim BM and SD by becoming even more needy and pathetic, or find a way to set boundaries without making herself the "persecutor." Having SD make all these little comments makes it even harder not to "snap" and become evil SM. If would be all i could do not to say "I don't want to hear another word about your mommy or her pregnancy!" 

Stepmama2321's picture

Wtf! Your 6 year old step says that to you? No wayyyy she came up with that on her own. BM is telling her to say those horrible things to you because she's a jealous witch! Then to plan a surgery on your due date just to be passive aggressive! What f*cking b*tch! I'd loose my shit. I'd say fine we'll have SD during our normal scheduled time but you're responsible for her on your normal scheduled time. Ya wanna plan a surgery? Go for it but find child charge you dumb a** good for nothing mother.

Survivingstephell's picture

There is no way to know you will have an event free birth. What happens if you or baby needs to stay longer in the hospital and SD is his responsibility?   No , just no to SD being there.  He needs to be able to focus on you and baby for at least that first week.   

Picardy III's picture

I find it very hard to believe an elective surgery requires a full month of child-free recovery. Bet if your BF calls her bluff, it will turn out to be a week or so.

lieutenant_dad's picture

"BF, either SD sticks to her custody schedule or I'm finding someone else to help me as a birth coach because you can't be trust to prioritize. BM created a mess that you're too eager to clean up, leaving me with the full load of this pregnancy. If that's how this is going to be, then I'm taking that full load and sharing it with someone else. BM's 'emergency' is hers to deal with, and she won't let anything happen to SD. But I'll be damned if I have to go through this alone, or wonder whether I'm your priority during the birth of OUR child. BM has people who can help her, and it's not you."

Then follow through on the plan to find another birth partner if he won't dislodge his head from his rectal cavity.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yep. Even when i had my second, we had our older child with grandparents for about a week. But i could say that, also being the BM. With steps, it's like the SM is expected to cater even more to the child and (other) bioparents. God forbid the SD feels less special or the SM is less than self-sacrificing! Also, when i had a hysterectomy (and idk what this elective surgery is, and i could be wrong, but i can't imagine the recovery is that much worse), i didn't send my young children (4 and 9) away for over a month. This child is 6! This BM is trying to be extra-catered to and cause trouble IMO by asking OP's husband to take the child for that long and at that particular time.  

shellpell's picture

Exactly this! I've see so many posts where SM is supposed to let skids rule HER pregnancy, HER birth, HER recovery time. It's complete madness. And that the baby isn't referred to as SM's child, but skid's sibling, thereby reducing SM's status within her own family. WTH.

Harry's picture

He can not let BM control your home.  BM can not just make SS your BF responsibly on her time.  If she want surgery, first should of asked what dates works for you.  Or it's her responsibility to find care for her DD.  It's her time.  BF should be asked first. But with you giving birth he really can not do it,

How long is BM going to take DD back.  You have a week covered,  but then no weekend visits of SD for a month. At least   Time for Happy Family bonding time. 

CLove's picture

He can say no.

My DH sometimes falls prey to the "hero complex" and wants to go rescue SD14, because of her mother out late or something. All this cripe about the BM family unable to help is just cripe.

Have a BIG talk with your boyfriend...ASAP.

Sandybeaches's picture

Meaning is this already happening? Is she already there? If she is not I think it is time talk to your BF and tell him that BM needs to either reschedule her surgery or not count on him and you to take SD at all. Not the month prior not the day of not for 5 minutes during it at all. She can scheduled at some other point in time.

Under the circumstances you are in your final stages of your pregnancy and should not have to take SD so that BM can have elective surgery and elective being the operative word. It is surgery she is choosing so she can choose when to have it. And I agree with the other she is having it during this time so that she can have the Limelight and be stuck right in the middle of your life.

As far as those mentioning custody orders I'm not certain if there is any custody order that can tell a person that they have to take a child for a long period Of time when when they are having a family situation of their own.  In an emergency of course a parent would step up but so that she can schedule something that can obviously wait t as it is elective she shouldn't get to insert herself into that part of your life and control things.

Unfortunately if your BF allows this and does not see what is going on it is going to be a very long life. These things will happen often especially once the baby comes. Your BF has to put his foot down now and understand exactly what is going on. I am very sorry for you it is a very stressful time and your BF should be worrying about the stress he's allowing around his pregnant wife.

Stepmama2321's picture

You seem like you truly care for your SD, despite the disgusting comments she makes to you but that's another story. It seems you agree with bf to take SD if it means keeping her safe from otherwise "unhelpful family/friends" of BMs. However, you WILL resent your bf and SD if this is what happens. When you're at the end of your pregnancy and wanting bf to give his free time to you, by massaging your back and feet, making food, cleaning the house, finishing the nursery, going on Target runs, and he CANT or SD has to be drug along and take from the special time, you WILL be angry. When bf isn't able to give you and baby 100% attention after birth when you NEED the support, you will be even ANGRIER. Don't let BM, and SD take from what is supposed to be a special time for you. Sure it's the birth of your child, but it's also the birth of a mother. That's something you won't ever get back. 

Lifer33's picture

And, if dh doesn't put his foot down you might end up like me. I didn't hate bm and only just tolerate ss before my dd was born. I do since. 

Dogmom1321's picture

No is a complete sentence and your BF needs to learn how to say it. He needs to realize he is not saying no to his daughter, but the BM. She either needs to figure out childcare, or cancel her elective surgury. Also, since it's elective, why can she not move it back? If it's not a medical necessity, then it's not a necessisty for SD to come live with you temporarily. 

bravinit720's picture

Hi All. Thanks for the input. Couple of clarifications:

*the elective surgery is a serious one. She's had the symptoms for over 10 years and they just figured out the problem.  The doctors said she could choose to do the surgery or not and could pick whenever to do it, but then as it got closer to my due date, her reports from the doctors changed to - she must do it now. Whether it's a month recovery, I do not know.  That could be utter BS. 
 

*right now BM tookSD for an extra week presugery, then we take her for a month (totalling just 1 extra week). And then BM's mom will take her for "up to 5 days" during/after my labor. At that point BM would be responsible for 2 weeks, so I don't know why we are saying "up to 5 days". 
 

I appreciate your warnings that this will keep occurring and that anger and resentment will build. I'm planning to talk with my BF more about the manipulation that is happening and setting a precedent for the future. I feel that SD is learning through all this that manipulation and lies get you what you want in life. That, amongst other things, is reason enough to squash this behavior now.  
 

i do feel like I'm on the hook now for having my step kid the entire time up until I go into labor, because I didn't say a hard no.  She arrives in a few days. She's a good kid, with quite the mouth.  So I'm just going to do my best to handle it.  I've been having tons of contractions and pain.  So this should be really interesting. The blended family feels so fragile. So many variables and outside forces.  But I signed up for blended family life, so here we go. 

Rags's picture

If BM is the CP, she owns the care and feeding on your SD whether she is in surgery, recovering from surgery, or not.  Time to put your foot down and inform DH that that period is reserved for the delivery and bringing home of your new baby and BM has no choice but to figure out the care of SD during your delivery and recovery time.

This is not rocket science.  Even in 50/50 situations one parent is the designated CP.  The other is the designated NCP.  The NCP has the advantage of being able to refuse visitation which leaves the entire onus of Skid care on the CP.  Make sure that DH has clarity and his marching orders and that he will not succumb to BM's invasive crap during your couple time with the new baby.

Congratulations on the new baby.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

There are some places that do 50/50 joint domiciliary, where nobody is designated. My divorce was that way.

But, if BM is the CP, she should absolutely be held responsible. It's like "You wanted it, you got it!" If a parent wants to fight to be the CP, they get it. For better or worse, not just when it's convenient! 

Stepmama2321's picture

So BM can't have SD due to recovery from surgery yet you are expected to have SD while recovering from childbirth, which may result in a surgery as well... hmmm that makes no sense to me.