Trying to understand my husband
I realize there are two points of view/experiences in every situation, so I am trying to see things from my husband's point of view. But I'm having a hard time!
Last night, husband came home around 8 pm (after spending the evening bicycling with some friends). He popped into the house for like two minutes, then said, "I have to go pick up SD" and left. So I was mad that he couldn't spend a minute or two with our BDs (4 and 1). Then, normally picking up SD involves a one-hour drive. Two hours later, when he finally got home, I realized he'd gone all the way to BM's house to get SD. BM is supposed to meet him halfway. Of course then I was mad because he hadn't bothered to tell me he'd be gone that long.
Then, this morning, I found SD15's hair straightener plugged in and steaming hot in her bathroom. We have gone back and forth over this hair straightener and it was SUPPOSED to be banished from our house. Turns out husband decided to rescind her punishment. I am steamed. If one of our BDs had found that they could have been seriously burned. Plus it was sitting on a wood shelf. Fire hazard! SD does NOT get more responsible as she ages, but husband always wants to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Just frustrated.
hmmm
I dont get it either.
do you think SD snuck the flat iron over and did not tell dad?
I would be frustrated too.
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
No, he admitted
He let SD bring it back. But BD4 got up while I was taking a shower. She could have VERY easily have walked into that bathroom (the door is right next to her bedroom), pulled that straightener down, and burnt the snot out of herself. Not to mention the face that if I hadn't found and unplugged the straightener, it probably would have been left ON until about 9 pm tonight. And I did find a story on the Internet (and sent it to my husband) about a house that burnt down because of a hair straightener being left on.
Throw it out....
My girls have been told after the first time I found it still plugged in when they had gone to school....that if it EVER happened again, I would throw it out. I have yet to see it happen again because they know I am serious. If hubby & SD don't like your decision...too bad. Losing a house or having another child burnt is much more important. If SD/hubby don't like the rules, then keep the straightener at BM's house then....end of story.
Corie
omg yes
I have a straightner, I left it to go talk to my son it could have been maybe twenty minutes maybe more?? anyway I went back and I could smell wood and that iron had started to burn my hope chest.
I have not done that again.
Elizabeth, if you DH wants to have a family all decisions have to be made together, I know I dont need to tell you that but even with Bio kids if parents are not united then they are divided and conquered.
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
when I was a teen...
I come from a very large family. 13 girls and 6 boys - yes 19 kids. We all grew up in the 80's with the big hair. Anyway, mother has a rule, if she found your curling iron plugged in or left on she would take it for a week. On the second infraction, it was 2 weeks and a 5 dollar fine out of our allowance. The third chance was the last, you could kiss your curling iron good bye and if you bought a new one with your own money it started all over again.
I think only 1 or 2 of my sisters lost a few over the years but it taught us to be safe. With so many people in the house, you have to practice safety. Mother went around every morning after we all left for school checking for left on lights ($1.00 fine) and left on or plugged in appliances.
If you banned the iron, throw it away. Stand your ground, you have 2 other little bodies to take care of.
We have the same rule
If SD leaves anything plugged in (I even make her unplug her hair dryer so that she will get used to unplugging everything she uses) she loses it for a week. Also, if it's something that came from BM's and we don't want it here, we give her on or two chances, then we throw it away. Of course this causes problems with BM, we've told her then she needs to make sure SD doesn't bring it here repeatedly. SD knows better (it's usually trashy clothes and lingerie.) But for her grounding she also lost all her make up for a month. BM bought all of that but SD leaves it here because she's here most of the time.
What I don't get is how offended BM gets that we don't let SD bring certain things here that we don't approve of. We never call her to say "Don't buy this" for SD. But I almost think BM wants the stuff to come over to show DH up (like we care you buy her things to make up for you being an emotional wreck.) I think her getting offended is that she can't "show off" what she gets SD if we don't get to see all the toys.
In your case I would at least set the rule, give her a chance to break it (she will) and then take it away. The first time just till she goes back to BM's but let her know if it happens again you will take it for a week period.
She will try to tell you that you can't do that, but well...yes you can.
Of course you have to get DH on your side on this one first. My DH is pretty hard on SD so I have no problem voicing my opinion and having him support me.
Peace, love, and red wine
19 KIDS??????????????????
OMG! I can't even imagine that!!!!! And your parents could afford to give you's allowance??? LOL....sorry, just can't get over the 19 kids....I am in utter shock here!
Corie
I had a similar situation
My BS has a nintendo DS and he is not allowed to take it to school eventhough he can play it at afterschool care. The reason is because he had one before this one and it was stolen at school. So the new rule was that these items could not go to school. Just a note, both were purchased by BS with his own b-day and x-mas money. Well SS1 got a new IPOD with his x-mas money and SS2 purchased games for his DS that he bought at his mothers. Well both of the skids get to take their items to school - no questions asked. I have not brought this up yet. Things have been so peaceful at home I hate to start an argument, but it still is not fair.
Hmm, DH's have such a hard time with rules when it comes to THEIR kids. Ugh. Rules are rules and punishments are punishments - and they should stick no matter who sets it. Especially when it comes to safety. Toss it in the trash!
He gave it back
He gave back the hair straightener last night. No punishment. I was so mad, but he doesn't care. What he wants goes. What I want goes out the window.
Maybe you need to sit them both down
Rules for safety comes first. Maybe you need to sit them both down and give them the rules. If xyz, then it gets tossed next time. It is crazy but I find myself teaching basic things to my husband. He says, we're out of toilet paper downstairs. I say, well I find it is better to replace it when I realize it rather than when I need it again. Same with wrapping up the cheese, or using scissors instead of a knife. You might be asking if I am married to a grown man. Yes and he is wonderful but there are just some things.
I bet you are pretty pissed that he undermined you. But if you state the rules for both of them to hear and make yourself clear as to why, I wouldn't worry too much if I looked like the bitch at that point. You are trying to take care of little ones who don't know better. You are the woman of the house. If he continues to undermine you on something like this, well I'd say you have a few bigger fish to fry. I'm sorry to say that but that is just unacceptable.
I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
–Henry David Thoreau
I told him
I couldn't stop him from giving straightener back to SD but that if I found it plugged in again I was going to smash it with a hammer and put the pieces in his car. And I was NOT buying her a replacement.
I'm sure he doesn't think I'm serious. I guess he'll find out otherwise.
He actually had the nerve to say that if one of our BDs got burned, SD "will have to live with that." I'm sorry, but it is BD who will have to LIVE with that, not SD!
how about
smash him with the straightner..
"just live with that?" WTF??
a burn like that could leave a serious scar!!
he cant really mean that? let him burn himself with it.see if HE can live with that.
damn that makes me angry for you!!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
Wow, its been awhile
I can see a few things going on, here forgive me, and please do not take anything I say offensive.
I think you are jealous in a way that he spends so much time worrying about his 15 year old and you feel that he doesn't have to worry about your children you have together. Which I can see, and I am pretty sure I would feel the same way, except me and my hubby will never have kids together. Maybe he feels he doesn't have to worry about the children you two have together because you are a good mom.
Fathers also or at least in my experience, my husband babies his daughter who is 17 and yes I could puke. She does no wrong, ever, she has no responsibility and although it did make me angry because he always asks my kids to do things, I had to start to look at it differently, I am sorry but I wouldn't want my kids to be like his, they are both very irresponsible, because the parents and grandparents always bail them out, pay there way, what have you. My kids, I want to teach to be strong independent can take care of themselves, because mom taught them right. If my daughter is anything like my SD I am not sure what will happen, well I just won't tolerate it at all.
Your husband on the other hand needs to remember that #1, its your home too, #2, that you should have a say, and #3, that your daughters are just as important as his first child.
Us mothers on here do not love our first kid anymore then any of the rest of our children, and neither should he. Your angry with your SD when you should really be more angry with her dad, your husband who lets her be so lax with responsibility. Its him, not her, she will do whatever she can do because he lets her..
Hold true to your word, you already warned him, smash it next time and hand it to him. If he gets mad he shouldn't you already for warned him about the actions you will take.
Thats all I have to say..
Best of luck...
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"
It sounds like your husband
It sounds like your husband has classic guilt of not being with his daughter all the time. He therefore has a hard time not giving her everything she wants. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and so he spoils her so she will love him. The daughter probably knows she has Daddy wrapped around her finger too.
Have you tried sitting your husband down and calmly discussing his feelings? He is going to probably say you favor your kids or are mean to her. Be careful. Don't argue, just listen. Then tell him he has to listen to how you feel. Let him know you are one family and you all have to respect each other and have rules for the kids safety, not to be mean. The adults have to be united in running the household.
Good luck
i have a similar situation
My SD likes to light candles in her room. This scares me to death-i just know she is going to forget about one, or the dog will knock it over. My DH spoils her rotten but he did listen to me about this. I mean does he want your house to burn down just to teach her a lesson?
I would throw it away, smash it or whatever it took. I'm assuming you already talked with her and it didn't work. Don't they make these things with automatic shutoff? Best of luck to you with this situation.
Admin who is ruby 24?
Admin who is ruby 24?
Anyway-Elizabeth I would throw that iron away also or stuff it up his arse. Doesn't your husband understand how dangerous that could be for the little ones and your home?! If he turns around and buys her another make sure to tell him to get the ones that automatically turn off within so many minutes.
spammer. I'm blocking her.
spammer. I'm blocking her.