What to do?
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When should you give up on trying? If someone says they are realize they have failed and messed up and are trying to change even going to counseling should you stay and try to make it work? Is it fair and healthy? I recently found out my bf has never been able to parent the way I think kids should be (rules, boundaries, structure). His family is the one that told me they have tried to get him to change. I just don't know if I should even try to stick it out if even his family failed. It sucks bc I think he's the love of my life and this is our only issue.
I can give more info if
I can give more info if needed. I wrote a whole long post out and it wouldn't let me post it.
Honestly, you aren't married.
Honestly, you aren't married. Don't try to fix people- it never works. People have to want to change behaviors.
He sounds like he wants pity and someone to come along and make it all better for him without putting in any effort himself. The catch is- when the kids and BM get mad at him for rules, expectations and boundaries YOU get to be the bad guy!
I am not sure how old you are or how much time your have already invested in this relationship. It doesn't overly matter though. Look at this as a life lesson and find someone that you have better compatibility with (hopefully without kids).
Welcome to the site!
Whether you stay in a situation with someone who says they are trying to change, depends a lot on how their behaviour has been before, and whether you believe that they mean it and that they are willing to put the work in. You could even set yourself a time limit - eg 3 months - and that you will need to see some concrete progress by this time. Some more info on your situation would indeed be helpful, including how long you have been together, your ages, the ages of step kids and how you see the problems.
I don't think you can
I don't think you can separate him from how he parents, in other words, the "love of your life" should be someone who you can respect in ALL areas of his life. It's not just about how he treats you, it's about how he handles his responsibilities in other areas as well, that should factor into your thinking. And honestly, deciding someone is the "the love of your life" should come after you've been together for a while in a settled relationship, not when you have love blinders on that make you filter out the negative stuff.
You will not find him so wonderful after years of dealing with his poor parenting. If he doesn't want to change, you can't make him.
That's a tough call. I mean,
That's a tough call. I mean, is he going to counseling because he wants to change.. or because he wants to make you happy? Are his actions matching his words. How old are his kids and how does he plan to fix the problems he caused? How deeply do their issues effect you?
Because a lazy parent is just setting you up to be the bad guy with his kids and any future kids. Think about that bucket of resentment you will tote.
His family tried.. why do you think he is more comitted now?
his parenting is likely only the tip of his dysfunction.. you just haven't seen all the ways it manifests yet.
Why don't you tell us why you think he is perfect otherwise. what makes you love him.
Ok so some backstory...I'm 34
Ok so some backstory...I'm 34, he 30. We met a year ago almost to the day. Been through hell. I got sick and almost died from sepsis and found out then I was pregnant(I never wanted kids and was on BC it failed). He had a 7 yr old. I almost died 6 months in my pregnancy from preeclampsia had to have the baby at 26 weeks and had to go through another surgery bc I was hemmorhaging and almost died 2 days after having him. He was in NICU for 103 days and has been home for 6 weeks now.
Problems were he had no rules
Problems were he had no rules and boundaries and structure when it came to his kid. Typical guilty dad feelings wanted it to be fun and vacation when he has her(every other weekend and every wed). We've worked through alot of stuff but his basic issue is really no consequence for an action. He will say no whining when she does or say excuse me 20 times but no follow through. Right now it's sleeping issues. She has started to just cry before bed bc she doesn't want to go to bed and then gets up multiple times to tell us she can't sleep which wakes me up and sometimes the baby. And all he does is bring her back to bed and come right back. In the beginning he didn't even want our door shut and she would just walk right in now we shut the door and she has to knock although in the middle of the night she just comes in. I'm a light sleeper and it takes me forever to go back to sleep whereas he can go right back. She has started this crying before bed since the baby has been home and I think it's just her lashing out about having to share her dad( we asked bio mom and she doesn't do it anywhere else). Instead of saying after the first time if she does it again there will be consequence he just tells her go back to bed....so there's no reason for her to listen. Last night it happened 4 times before I went to sleep thankfully. I am ok if she has a nightmare to come in and get him but to have an 8 yr old constantly wake us up wo tell us she can't sleep is ridiculous. Sometimes it's daddeee I want to tell you something. We agree to a plan like she needs to stay in bed once he lays her down for the night or a consequence will happen but then he backs out.
I'd be giving SO consequences
I'd be giving SO consequences. He needs to feel the brunt of his inaction.
You child whines? You don't stop it. I spend the weekend at my BFF's.
You can't keep your child in bed? You are up as long as i am. I'd have no problem poking him everytime he fell asleep until i did. Baby up - SO is up.
I don't think he's perfect
I don't think he's perfect other than the issues with his kid. I know he's not. I'm not either. We just literally have no issues besides that. We get each other and understand each other and have fun and like the same things and I just feel like I can be myself with him and he says the same thing ( and that has never happened with me). We both had messed up childhoods which is one of the reasons I didn't want kids bc I didn't want to screw them up and it makes it even harder to be with him bc I see all his faults and issues on parenting and it kills me bc I now have a kid with him and I don't want him to do what he's done to his other kid. But I can't control that completely and it kills me. This was an unplanned baby. We had only known each other 2 months when I got pregnant(it was first time I ever was on BC also). I thought I was doing the right and responsible thing. We agreed to go slow. We had same ideas about timelines for things like moving in or meeting his kid and then everything got flipped upsidedown.
Having "no issues other than
Having "no issues other than that", to me, is like saying, "Well, we have no issues except that he refuses to get a job," or "we have no issues other than his drinking". His parenting IS a huge issue, it's not a small one - it affects every area of your life, especially since you have a child with him.
Tog redux
I agree...would you give up in my situation? Or give it more time?
There is a plan for in
There is a plan for in between.
Move out. Get a place for you and the baby. Don't "break up" but don't invest you all and keep living together. See where you are happier. Try a 6 month lease if you can. A chance for him to step up and be the parent and be there for you and your new baby who is going to need a lot of extra help, I'm sure.
I own my house. He moved in
I own my house. He moved in with me. He has stuck to if he has to leave it means we are through and he won't be back. Only once the baby was home did he suggest he go back to his mom's basement. I refuse to agree to that bc everything will go backwards to how it was there and we'd have to start over once(if) we moved back in. Also I think it's crappy to do that now that the baby is home and I need help. Seems pretty convenient for him to leave all of a sudden when for months he was adamant that if he left we were through permanently.
That kind of seems like who
That kind of seems like who he is though, right? Once it is hard and once he has to DO something as a parent- backtrack and shove of responsibility.
I would probably still tell him to go live with his mom for a while. If he says its permanent, then that is on him. I doubt that will be the actual case after a week or so though. I mean I am sure that there are tons of chicks beating down a dude who is -30 and lives with his mom and has 2 babymomma now's door - and all but something tells me that he needs a REAL kick in the ass to get his life together.
I would really like the
I would really like the ability of tagging other users in posts.. I seem to remember a recent post from a young GF who was dating a realy lazy/poor father.. but she was sure that with time he would be able to become a "good father" to her future kids.. but that "she wouldn't be rushing to have kids'.
Life happens.. every time you sleep with a person you risk exactly this scenario.. having a child not altogether in line with your normal plans. My brother was in the process of planning his wedding with his GF and boom.. they had to move it up several months when she got PG.
It's so much easier to have the leverege to work these things out before there is that lifelong tie of a child. In this case, I would make it ultimatum level that he step up and be a father.. get counseling to help him do that and for his kid if necessary.. but if he can't/won't then OP would be better off just raising her child alone.
I don't know - now that I
I don't know - now that I know you have a baby with him, it makes it harder. But if you are unhappy, better to leave before your child remembers living with both of you.
I'm sure you get at this
I'm sure you get at this point, that he is not going to change. The sooner you accept that, the better off you will be. I WISH I had known that my DH was not going to discipline and hold his SD accountable. When I married DH, SD was 7 and SS was 11 and DH had primary custody. He was a great dad and I NEVER thought that a time would come that he would allow either of his children to be disrespectful to him, me, or anyone else. SS is in college now and he is a good kid. SD is now 16. When she turned 14, my life became a nightmare. She is just like her BM in that if you don't give her what she wants, she withholds her love. BM can do no wrong and they conspire together. And like others have said, guess who ended up being the bad guy? Me. Why? Who knows and it doesn't matter TO ANYONE.
I think that if you can accept how he is with his kid and you can learn to not let it bother you, you have a shot. That is not hard. This has been going on for two years in my life and I'ms still angry and it bothers me. And I go to counseling on my own to try and deal with it. My DH doesn't stand up for me, nor does anyone else in his family. It's hurtful and it's downright painful because I know that everyone else knows, including that SD, that I do not deserve it. I gave that kid everything but in the end, I was just some dispensable person. I was used.
It took a long for me to accept that DH would not ever change. I thought that he would ultimately see the error of his ways (the SD has turned out horrible - mean and selfish), but he refuses to see it. He likes to live in denial. My only hope is to one day just never think about her or what has happened.
Good luck. It's not easy.
I don't think I have it in me
I don't think I have it in me to do what you did. That sounds incrediblly difficult esp when the things directly affect me( lack of sleep etc). Can I ask why you decided to stay and not leave?
I would take over
He needs to step up his parenting game. I know for myself my sleep is important. I would probably take over and have SD7 in her room pretty fast. At that age, you are a parental authority to her.
He needs to give consequences and actually parent this child. She is begging for a parent...
It sounds like there might be more issues...
Can you sit him down and have a heart to heart about his parenting? Parenting classes????
I had a talk with him last
I had a talk with him last night about kids needing consequences for bad behavior. He freaked out and packed his stuff up to leave but then couldn't go through with it. It got ugly bc he said we would raise our son exactly how he did his daughter even though he's said many times he's messed up and wouldn't do it again like that so that set me off. I begged him to give him up and he could just go back to how it was with him and his daughter and he said he will go to court to get partial custody. I cannot be away from my son. He was in NICU for 103 days, almost died a few times and I was there everyday. His father only visited 2 to 3 times a week for an hour to hour and a half. He only feeds him once a day. I do everything. He's a heavy sleeper my baby is on oxygen. He has monitors to let us know if something happens. His dad sleeps right through it. He has never helped take care of him at night even on weekends. He won't enforce masks and hand washing around him(Drs told me to do this for the first year of his life. He can die very easily from something like the flu). I can't lose my son. I don't care if he came here everyday all day and slept here to see him but I can't just let him go to someone who hasn't taken care of him and honestly would sleep through issues. I don't know what to do.
"I don't know what to do. "
"I don't know what to do. "
Talk to a lawyer.
Document his "help".
Ask the doctors who have treated your son for a written explanation of dos and donts. Especially the most dangerous ones.
With all of his conditions I
With all of his conditions I can see a lawyer easily keeping overnights off the table for a year or 2 even. I have also heard of parents having to go through specialized training classes to be able to deal with all of the special requirements. Any decent lawyer will be able to buy you time. Start meeting some and get some advice on how to keep your baby protected. Then- hire one.
"Don't tell me, show me."
"Don't tell me, show me."
Or as the little green guy said "Don't try, Do!"
If you are thinking of being done at this early of a stage, moving forward is not worth the effort... most likely.
Any time the term "love of my life" comes up in a comment in relation to a person with shitty kids, who is a shitty parent, and is perfect "except".... I cringe.
In the case of blended family "love of my life" situations IMHO everyone would do themselves a favor by upping the standards that apply for the proverbial "love of my life". Shitty parents with failed family baggage who are incapable of correcting their crap are not "love of my life" material.
Again, IMHO.