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Whose Ex Is Worse?

Swim_Mom's picture

We've been married 3 years, together for 5. Because he pays his ex so much maintenance (like $5000 per month plus child support on top) I am hugely resentful (but it ends in 6 months can't wait!! Smile ). She is also a sanctimonious, condescending bitch to DH and treats him like a child or at best a babysitter despite the fact he's a great Dad and has a very nice relationship with each of his 4 kids. Nevertheless I've only met her once a couple years ago at a graduation for SD; DH rarely hears from her, and she really doesn't create that much drama. Compared to some of the BM's I've read about on this board she's a saint. My issue is if she were to impact me from a financial standpoint - and she has not yet; even when it took 18 months for her to get her refinancing in to get DH off of her mortgage. We keep our finances completely separate and split all household expenses - I have never had to make up any difference and hopefully never will - because I could not handle it if I had to make up for a shortfall due to that batshit crazy bitch getting the sum of money she does. February 1, 2020 is the last one - she'll be living off of savings in her piece of shit falling apart house she "had" to hang on to for SS. I want popcorn and a front row seat for when she becomes a bag lady :) 

My ex used to be the "good" one meaning we had a much more amicable relationship and could actually coordinate when it came to our kids. I never received maintenance but did receive a good amount of child support - got a big promo at work immediately after divorce so it was fabulous for a few years (it was the legally required amount in my state, which was flat % depending on number of kids and did not take mom's income into account).  As a result I stopped charging him years ago for his half of out of pocket medical, sports, school fees etc. - not insignificant with 3 kids. So fast forward a few years - I always felt I was reining in ex-H's spending while we were married but had no idea how bad he was - he made a lot of stupid choices and never lived within his means.  He's also had to take a major salary cut due to a number of factors, some his fault and some industry (financial industry has become very commoditized). So now he can barely pay me CS for last under 18 kid, DD, and he pays my older 2 his half of college expenses month by month. I keep waiting for them to say "Mom, Dad's not paying".  And the kicker of all of this - he cashed out DD14's college account a year ago Sad With the "promise" he will still pay and I will be responsible only for half of room and board (we've used those prepaid tuition programs with great success - tuition paid when they were babies and for the first 2 they are going to one of best Engineering programs in the country and I barely notice I'm paying half of college!). So I have to expect I'lll be paying all college at some point.

Sometimes we can joke about which one is worse, but lately I"m just in a f-ing rage about both of them. Why is it that people who live within their means and make intelligent choices end up having to pick up the slack for those undisciplined overgrown children who do not?? It is so unfair! The only good part about my ex imploding in the last year is DH and I are more balanced in our baggage now!

 

 

 

tog redux's picture

I'm a little confused - you resent the money DH has to pay in CS,  but wish your Ex could pay you more? Seems like a bit of a double standard. 

Rags's picture

We still bill the SpermIdiot for his half of uncovered medical expenses 9 years after SS aged out from under the CO.  A

And we charge him interest.  Twice a year we send him a gull statement and a bill.   We won't ever stop.  Just to keep our ability to nail his ass to the wall ongoing.  If he ever fucks with our kid (SS-27, I adopted him at his request), his ass is getting sued. 

We attempted to get it through our ongoing CO but... the judge did not have the balls to order that they pay it rather than continue to avoid it.   He instructed us to take it to small claims court. It is now $10K+ and out of the purvue of small claims.

They know it is over their heads and they know not to screw with SS or we will sue them for it. Until then, or hopefully never, they get a statement and bill twice a year.

You may want to maintain that leverage since your XH has difficulty maintaining clarity on his financial duties to his kids.

Swim_Mom's picture

The amount he has to pay her is huge - it's ridiculous.  I'm simply speaking of the fact DH has paid every dime required by his marital settlement agreement while my ex has been defaulting more and more the last couple years. So basically as a married couple we are getting screwed by both of them hence the question whose ex is worse!? Depends on the day in our house.

Rags's picture

They are both pathetic.  However, every individual's X is the worst.  To them.  Unfortunately bad X quantifiers are not just financial.  Their crap can destroy children.

STaround's picture

And unless I am mistaken, if your custody was agreed to in your present home state, your ex can be ordered to pay for college. 

Stick with the CO.  He is entiteld to see his DD on his time.   If he wants time changed, he has to do more than download from the internet, he has to apply through the court.