Adult SS struggling with adult problems
This is my first time using a forum so please forgive any missed abbreviations. Going to give some back story but I'll try and keep it short.
I have been a SM for 19 years. I was 19 when I married his father and he was 5. My husband is a recovering alcoholic, alchohol is what killed his first marriage. My SS is now 24 and has always been such a good kid. We had a rough start. He was an only child and the center of his parents world. He didn't like me and most certainly didn't like his new sister. Jealousy was at an all time high. He wanted his parents together and made it known. When he was 9 things started turning around. His BM had another child and SS was settling into our routines. As he aged he and I became friends. I've never disciplined him or stepped in when his mom and dad had to work together on anything. I love you's are few and far between for my SS and myself . He has graduated high school and college, both times I hung back to let them enjoy the moment of their son reaching these milestones. I was the one taking the pictures of SS, BM, and my husband. He has a full time job and is co owner of a gym. We are very proud of him. He and his girlfriend of 3 years, whom I adore, have separated by his choice. She wants marriage and children and he isnt ready. Also, his grandfather on his moms side is dying, will be any day now. SS is extremely close to him. The girlfriend has told me his drinking alcohol has gotten to be an issue, falls asleep with drink still in hand a few times a week.
His heart is broken right now. He has called his dad to come talk to him about all of this, while i was at work. His BM filled me in on some of it and the girlfriend the rest. He and I havent talked about any of it. I want to be there for him but I dont know or cant find what my role is in times like this. When his grandfather passes, do I go to the funeral home? Do I attend the service? Do call him or let his parents console him? Do I talk to him about alcohol? Do I just stand with my hands clasped waiting to be needed? I love this young man like my own, I am so worried. I am hurting because he is hurting and I want to help him like I would if it was my daughter.
Yes, go to the funeral,
Yes, go to the funeral, express your condolences and offer support if he wants it, ie, "Let me know if I can help in any way". Then let him decide whether to take it.
It sounds like he appreciates you as a stepmother because you've not interfered or gotten involved in parenting. That's a big deal, and while he may not see you as a parent, I'm sure he values you in a different way.
Personally I think you've been a model stepparent and you should be proud. You supported and cared for him, but didn't try to compete with his mother or push her out in any way.
If you’ve been present at family events where his grandfather
was and on friendly terms then you going is just for support.
if you haven’t been present at these events then unless invited i wouldn’t go. Emotions are high at a funeral. Just pass your condolences and let them know if they need someone to talk to or help that you are there for them (including ss)
Imposing
I haven't attended events with them. When our paths crossed at school functions we rarely spoke. Although my SSs mom and I have a good relationship now, we didnt in the beginning and her family has never made an effort to get to know me or acknowledge me. I cant help but feel I would be imposing on a family that hasn't ever really acknowledged my presence and doing so at their weakest and rawest time. Which if I thought my SS wanted me there I would face them all but I feel that I would hinder his grieving with his mom and their family. And I also dont want to appear cold and uncaring. I just dont want to cross a boundary. Another time I struggle with my SM role.
Why not call
Why not call him to express your condolences and let him know that you that you would like to attend the funeral to support him but do not want things to be awkward. Ask him to think about it and get back to you so that you are not putting him on the spot to immediately respond saying it would be OK for you to come.
The facts are never a bad
The facts are never a bad thing. Facts define life, to maximize life facts are critical.
Share the facts with SS. Apparently no one else will.
He broke off the relationship with his long time. His pain is his fault. He will lose his GF. We all do at some point. He needs to embrace that rather than self medicating in an attempt to avoid that part of life.
IMHO of course.