Adult StepChildren driving me mad
Evening everyone,
Just looking for some advice as this scenario is going over and over in my head just lately.
Long story short
I’ve been with my partner for 5 years, he has 3 adult children and in the 5 years 2 of them have tried to live with us twice each. Now the middle one is 20 and wants to live with us again when we go abroad for the summer and work (we do seasonal work in two countries).
A year ago my partner and the son who wants to live with us had a big argument and he was kicked out and went back to his mum, each time any of his children come the whole atmosphere of the house changes, our relationship changes and I don’t feel like I live in my own home anymore, children are lazy, we end up paying for everything and generally zero responsibility for anything.
I told my partner the last time he came and left that it was the last time I could handle it as that was already the second time and I stress and anxiety I endured made me ill.
Like I said now it’s all happening again and we have a conflict on what should and shouldn’t happen.
Thanks for listening
When you say they've "tried
When you say they've "tried to live with you," do you mean they did live with you and it didn't work out, or they requested to live with you and were told no? If the former, meaning this has happened 4 times, I think I'd make this my hill to die on and tell your partner its them or you. No way would I live with adults skids if I had experience and good reason to know it wouldn't work out and would be a miserable, stressful experience. You should be comfortable in your own home.
He's lived with us before,
He's lived with us before, twice, and this will be the third time now and previously it just didn't work at all. We gave him a job within our business and that didn't work either, he just slept all day. Won't do anything around the house, makes the whole atmosphere uncomfortable and wants wants wants like it's what he's owed. I don't want my partner to choose and I'm not making him but he needs to also grow a pair and make his child be responsible and self sufficient.
What does he feel will be
What does he feel will be different this time? Why does he feel you get no say in the matter? It's been tried already and didn't work out. I wouldn't agree to it again.
I think personally my partner
I think personally my partner is driven by guilt from when he left years ago and feels like he has to make up for it for the rest of his life and while when I met him and got involved I knew he had children he also knew that I had absolutely no baggage and I have caused no issues and to still think I owe a third chance just isn't right. I owe nothing now. It's not my place to tell his children at whatever age they are how to grow up but if he won't do it either then it leaves the situation how it is. By me not wanting his son to live with us doesn't make me a bed person it's just there is no more excuses to allow this behavior and to make everyone around him miserable. Although my partner is more tolerant he has previously got fed up with his son too because let's face it who wants to have to watch over their grown up children and still baby them at 20+
Gaslighting much?
"me not wanting his son to live with us doesn't make me a b(a)d person"
Absolutely corrent.
His repeatedly allowing this toxic failed young adult to invade your iife is absolutely wrong and may just make him a bad person. At least bad as your partner.
Take care of you.
Thank you
Thank you
This is make or break it time for you
How much do you love your partner? If you want to stay together, then this issue with the failure to launch absolutely must be addressed and clearly. You and your partner must discuss this in private and be brutally honest. Both of you need to clearly understand the others' goals and boundaries. In no case, can this lazy underachiever be allowed to sponge. Trust me from experience, if they are not forced to fly, baby bird will never stay out of the cozy nest and it will destroy your relationship
I wouldn't of stuck around
I wouldn't of stuck around for 5 years if I didn't want to make it work but last year I was at my limit with everything and we came to an understanding when his son left and now it seems like what we spoke about has gone out of the window.
I don't want to financially support him either but I have suggested that we get him a job and accommodation and help towards the costs for a while but it's like he must move in with us as soon as possible and all plans can be done once he's moved in but I know once he's foot is in the door we are back to square one
If He Moves In It Sounds Like This Will Be Relationship Suicide
and you need a "relationship autopsy" to find out what is needed.
If the son moves in you'll have a case of "same shit, different toilet" going on.
Nothing will change on its own. Change must be expected, facilitated and followed through on.
Good luck!
It will definitely be a case
It will definitely be a case of same shit different toilet and that's why I'm so against it for the third time. This is a change for everyone in the household and it doesn't matter wether it's a bad change the adult son still gets his own way because of guilt through the father. I always end up looking like the baddie when infact I'm the only one being realistic. Like I said I'm not saying we shouldn't help but how can you help someone when they won't help themselves. I said we can help financially support him but first he needs accommodation and a job but it seems we need to put everything on a plate for the third time and tip toe around everyone else's feelings apart from my in my own home!
Welcome to the site!
Your partner is not helping his failure to launch offspring, he is enabling, ie perpetuating their dysfunctional behaviour, and the longer he carries on, the worse they will get. He needs to say a clear "no" and so do you.