Is being numb the result of a successful disengagement
Forums:
I just went through a horrible xmas with SD and family and just went numb after it. I feel absolutely NOTHING - no hurt, no exclusion, no sadness - just nothing!
Now that wouldn't be so bad in light of the Step situation and DH but I also don't feel happy. I really do feel nothing. It is like the last bit of emotion and any feelings I had were sucked out of me by a vacuum.
Will this numbness go away? Will the disengagment then be successful? I feel really weird right now.
Good advice above and I
Good advice above and I agree. I think you are disengaging, that you are protecting yourself and possibly you are grieving. I think disengagement is definitely a good option in some situations, and with that decision comes initial loss. It will definitely help in the long run, but as you are processing your feelings, there are many feelings locked inside like anger, loss, sadness and yes being numb. I know with me, I have decided to disengage but then every now and then I feel this intense anger at my DH. I agreed to this disengagement as it seemed my only option yet he carries on with his kids happy go lucky like everything is fine and that triggers these feelings. So yes hopefully this will improve your relationship with your DH over time, but that doesn't take away from the mixture of feelings you are having.
It sounds like you are going through the stages of grief and yes you will come out the other end and be okay, but just allow yourself to have all the feelings that go with it. The last stage of grief is acceptance and when you get there, you will feel liberated and free. I am not there yet myself, but from what I have read on these forums, I know I have that to look forward to.
I think the best thing is to keep coming in here and processing your feelings as there are wonderful supportive people in here who genuinely know what you are going through.
What I am really looking forward to with disengagement is that instead of preoccupying my time worrying about this situation, I can look forward to spending time doing something I enjoy!
Big hugs xo
I don't feel defeated anymore
I don't feel defeated anymore - I did at one time ....and, I did feel hopeless when I didn't know what to do when SD and DH were having their SM bashing talks. Now I know what I must do and that does help get through it.
I think being numb might be a protective measure to do what I have to do. Block everything out until I succeed in being free of the emotional chains that bound me to SD - because of DH. Now I know that I will let DH go if I have to. It really is up to him now.
"I just went through a
"I just went through a horrible xmas with SD and family". If I had to spend Christmas with the people in DHs family that were difficult, I would be depressed. Do you feel you could just stop spending time with SD if she influences you to have a horrible Christmas? I honestly thought I could never get out of going to holidays with DH, but I did. After making this change I have never been happier at Christmas than this year (in my married life).
You sound like you may be depressed. Have you talked to your Dr?
Another thing to consider is hormones. I know for me when the drama with DHs family died down I felt much more lethargic in my life period. The DH family drama was masking my lethargy. For me, I don't think it's depression. I'm in the peri-menopause period. The hormonal changes during Perimenopause and menopause can cause lethargy big time. I know other people my same age who are going through this too. I was very passionate about everything when I was younger, now I'm starting to feel like everything is just kind of level. Few ups and downs.
I do think life is too short to spend with your DHs family if they tend to ruin Christmas.
I hope you can start enjoying your life again! Hugs!
Read this, i hope it helps.
Read this, i hope it helps. Sorry you had such a dreadful Xmas.
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/behind-great-anger-is-great-pain-dont-take-it...
It is always darkest before dawn.
Let this numbness be your new low and your trajectory right now has nowhere to go but up.
May be you need to protect yourself better from those interactions
or - preferably - to get your husband to protect you. Have him read this piece.
My DH thought it was right on the money.
I found it for him today when he suddenly said something very similar about not giving his power away.
Really good piece, thank you.
Really good piece, thank you.
Thanks Pilgrim, I really
Thanks Pilgrim, I really liked what this lady wrote in the article!
OMG I just read some person's response to the post:
But the child didn't ask to be stuck with a step mother. I think biological parent should stay together or at least not start a relationship until their children are adults. The child is more important than a step mother.
No wonder SM's have such difficulties with these beliefs going on!!!
I have to agree that parents
I have to agree that parents should not re-marry or shack up until their children are out of high school. Neither parent. Children are shown to do much better with separated parents than those who come from step families. Of course there are exceptions but the majority of children would be better off.
You can date, even have stay-overs (trysts) when the kids are with your ex but as long as the kids are children you don't have any more than a friend as far as they know.
This forum and all its problems would not exist. No I'm not a religious person so this opinion is not coming from that perspective - just experience of my own and observation of others who have done exactly as I suggest.
If you, dear reader, want what is best for your children and haven't yet made the mistake of finding a live-in mate then don't. You'll thank me in due time.
Sorry, have to disagree
Sorry, have to disagree Orange County. Both my exH and I live with new partners, and it has worked fine for our children. I have lived with SO for 6 years and my kids have a great relationship with him. Having SO in their life has definitely enhanced it, because in their words, they get to witness their mom being happy and they get to witness what a happy relationship looks like. They also get along with my ex's DW as well. That's because I am not an interfering psycho BM! But it's true, lol.
The situation can work if everyone is open and honest about what is going on and the kids are given time and space to deal with their feelings. I didn't jump into a relationship, but I certainly wasn't prepared to wait 10 years to be with someone!
Anyway I must be one of those exceptions...
I can remember going through
I can remember going through the very same numbness just before I told DH that SD was no longer allowed in our home. I agree - the numbness is a part of grieving, but the next step is action. It's like giving your mid a bit of a rest before you raise hell. After our Christmas fiasco two years ago I decided to go to a therapist myself. I discovered that I was not as powerless as I thought.
There is absolutely no reason why you have to celebrate Christmas with SD, absolutely none. You have a year to look into other options such as taking a vacation or serving Christmas dinner to the poor. This might mean Christmas away form DH but it might be worth it.
Thanks everyone. I am still
Thanks everyone. I am still numb but I am not DEPRESSED. I was depressed a year ago plus but now I see things much more clearly. This helps a lot. I think I have been numb before (my dad's death, my mom's death etc.). I think it is more a grieving symptom. I may also be grieving the innocent love I had with my DH - before the betrayals and double talk with his princess.
I look at him differently now too - I still do not trust him 100% and hope that changes in the coming weeks (months?).
I do appreciate all the input and support in getting through this stage. The similar stories and experiences really help put things in perspective. We SM's who finally see the light can hopefully be happy again without the toxic Step shit.