BMs drive the "love" train - mostly true?
My exH never had children nor did I. We've been distant but amicable since the divorce. More distance since he remarried about four years ago which is perfectly understandable. I've been with my SO for almost 10 years, so I was happy my ex found someone he is happy with. I have no ill-will towards him.
He married a woman with a grown son, who is married. The stepson recently had a child of his own. My ex sent out a blast email to everyone a while ago saying he was cutting back on his career/work and was looking forward to spending more free time with his "grandson" and his stepson and wife. He appears to have been fully accepted by the stepson/wife, and is filling in role as a grandfather. You can even see it in the family photos they post - my ex appears to be fully integrated into the family.
We all know that every situation is different but I do wonder if there are statistics showing it is easier for stepfathers and stepsons to accept each other? I think the role of the BM is paramount as the skids (whether child or adult) will react according to the BM's attitude.
If BM encourages skids to love her spouse and fully accept him, do most skids do so? Since most BMs want their kids to "love who I love" do they tend to accept stepfathers more readily? In other words, if mamma loves you then there is a greater chance the skids will, too.
Not to stereotype, but female jealousy and maternal territorialism plays a great deal into this I think. In my own situation, the BM had the skids and her boyfriend fully integrated before the divorce was even final. Her boyfriend moved into the home and lived there for years so the skids developed a relationship with him.
Yet BM passively discouraged the skids from visiting us while they were in their teens (PAS all the way) so despite whatever my SO and I did or didn't do I was never going to have even a basic relationship with the skids. As StepAside said once, "Your relationship with the skids won't be better than the relationship they have with their own father." In our case, there is virtually no real relationship with the adult skids and my SO. That's why I have disengaged after almost 10 years, albeit quietly. Hasn't been hard to do since I never really had a relationship with either of them, anyway.
I know for darn sure that if either of the skids gets married and has children, I sure won't be in any family photos nor will I ever be in a position where I am even considered pseudo "grandmother" material. It is directly related to the BM's attitude and the skids lack of relationship with my SO.
I think my ex is a case in point - he has been in his stepson's life half the time I've been but already has a position of honor in the family as a "grandfather" because his wife is accepting of that role. Maybe that's why we only see a fraction of men on these boards - most don't have the same level of problems with skids because Momma loves them, so the skids follow suit!
"The person in the chair"???
"The person in the chair"??? Indeed, how awful. Did your husband say anything when they referred to you that way?
I agree that the attitude of
I agree that the attitude of the BM plays a huge role. I also agree that the general female territory plays a large role in why it is perceived as more difficult for stepmoms than stepdads.
I also think, and I'm pretty sure I read this on one of StepAsides blogs or comments, but it was something to the effect of "relationships with step parents mirror the relationship that the kids have with the bio parent"
I never thought of it before reading that comment, but ever since it is engrained in my brain that this is fact. When I read stories on here about the DH, I constantly think "no wonder there are issues with the skids" It seems like when the relationships with the parents are healthy parent-child relationships, it is easier for the step parent to be accepted and integrated (of course this is generally speaking, there will always be exceptions)
Yes, unfortunately, I believe
Yes, unfortunately, I believe this is true. When I consider my bio son, who's stepmom means nothing to me - as in no joy or jealousy, no like or dislike - he is fully free to love her and be with her. It's weird, but it find it touching when she does something kind for him, I like that he's treated well.
My BM, however, passively expresses her dislike for how daddy and sparkle do things... Been like that since day one. So what happens? Of course kids stay closer to BM. And her hubby is THE. BEST. I used to find this disheartening, back when I really adored and cared for them. Now I understand that it is not about me, and so I don't worry about it anymore.
Sparkle - when the SM does
Sparkle - when the SM does something nice for your son, do you ever communicate that to either her or your son? Like, "That was nice that SM took you to the park." No gushing, just a statement of fact that you approve of SM's action. Or if you see SM, you simply comment that you appreciate what she has done for your son?
I always mention it to my
I always mention it to my son. She has taken him to buy running shoes - he's an athletic 14 yr old so that's an involved trip to find the right shoes - and they'll go fishing or swimming when his dad is working, etc. Whenever my son mentions these things, I genuinely say "That's great/nice of SM! Tell me about ____!"
I haven't ever thanked her directly - I leave her alone! Lol, I'm conditioned by my nutter BM to leave the poor SM alone!
She may appreciate it ...
She may appreciate it ... while there is no need for SM/BM to be BFFs, I think the SM would like to know from time to time that you appreciate what she does. Although your BM is a nutcase, it sounds like your son's SM isn't - so maybe a thanks to her once in awhile would be a kind thing to do.
Very true!
Very true!
This SM doesn't appreciate
This SM doesn't appreciate nutter BM's "thanks."
The woman has called me (and the clothes I wear) variously "tramp", "hooker", "butch", and "dyke". She has insinuated or flat out told DH that he is a cheater, or that she hopes I cheat on him. According to BM, I am just DH's wife, and nothing to SD18.
So when I took SD18 to get a prom dress and BM thanked me, (via SD18) I expressed my rejection of that two-faced trash to both DH and SD18.
I do what I do for SD18, NOT for BM. BM can kiss my pasty ass. I'm picking up her slack. And if she DARES to approach me, I'll tell her so.
"The more issues the BM has
"The more issues the BM has with control and her own insecurities, the worse off you as SM are going to be."
Omg, I laughed out loud - so true!
I don't know why, but reading this suddenly reminded me of when she told my husband that, with me, he had become the man she used to love. And the crazy was fully released.
Absolutely true, I think. So
Absolutely true, I think. So much of this is driven by jealousy. While women do tend to be better at exhibiting jealousy, there are certainly scores of men who have jealousy issues, too. To include violently so. But it seems to manifest with the women in their lives not so much their kids.
BMs are typically bitches
BMs are typically bitches with double standards and agendas.
The BM of my SS threatens my SS in regards to him calling me mom - or stepmom. When my SS is with me he refers to me as his mom. However, BM insists SS calls her boyfriend (also her 2nd exDH and father of her two younger kids), stepdad and not his first name.
Being around his BM stresses him out because she is big into forcing her opinions and titles on him. When he's home, it's relaxed and he gets to decide what's comfortable for him.
The statement "relationships
The statement "relationships with step parents mirror the relationship that the kids have with the bio parent" is so true. In my opinion DH did not open himself up to SD when he married me. While he was married to BM, SD was treated like a princess, perfect in every way. It seems as if the divorce made him uncomfortable to be around SD. I don't know if this was from guilt or what. Many times I was told I made SD uncomfortable, and reflecting back, it really had nothing to do with me.
I only wish I had an answer to 'female territorial' behavior. It creates unwarranted jealousy in step-families, families, and sometimes even relationships with friends. I have encountered it as far back as grade school, in the workplace, and even today in my family. I know BM loves SD very much but it is very tiresome being the object of her and SD's jealousy. The last time I saw BM (which is rare), she was openly hostile to me - I will never know the reason. SD was so jealous that when DH wished me a Happy Birthday in her presence she became irate with me. There were many, many instances where SD displayed to me that she thought her father was her 'territory'. And there he was - not knowing how to deal with the drama, hostility and competition. So he did nothing which created more hostility. Now I realize that my 'no-contact' policy with SD is the best for me. Maybe not for DH, whom she doesn't acknowledge anymore. He is free to visit her but there has been no visitation in over 3 years.
There have been recent posts from SDs who complain that their father doesn't communicate with them, many times the SM is to blame. I wonder if today SD is saying that I have brainwashed her father.
"If she's does nothing she is
"If she's does nothing she is jealous." I had to defend myself from false accusations BM made about me breaking up her marriage. I did even meet DH until years after their divorce. I agree if the BM feels good about herself she will create a good environment for communication between skids and SMs but I've read time after time on this site when a BM definitely showed she was jealous, caused all sorts of problems - and it wasn't like she did 'nothing'.
This is definitely true in my
This is definitely true in my case, BM's BF who she moved the girls in with after SO quit paying their mortgage and sold the house, that relationship is great. Of course, they are living in his house and this frees up al their mom's money to enable them more. They have left me out of a few events that it was okay for BM's BF to go to, but not for their father's SO to go to. We have been together for 10 years now, and it's really not much better. I will never be close to them because I guess I hold grudges, but it's happened too many times and blatantly so I won't let myself get too close to them in order not to care if they pull these stunts again.
I hear ya, Hanny. I have
I hear ya, Hanny. I have never been close to skids and never will. That's why "disengagement" is important even though it's mostly a frame of mind, since I don't see the skids much anyway. But disconnecting them in my mind is an important step, because like you, I know the BM's gravitational pull is paramount. Any other female will be relegated to essentially invisible or an object of bullying and manipulative maneuvers.
I have found this to be true.
I have found this to be true. It certainly is in my case. There are also not as many "wicked stepfathers" in children's literature either. Heck society has been telling kids that stepmothers are awful for years. Then add an angry ex wife. Let's face it, she does not usually want to see her husband happy because that means that there is life after her, and she certainly does not want to see her kids liking the enemy because them she might not look so good. After all their dad chose this women after he left her, what if kids do the same... It is all immaturity and jealousy for the most part. It is easier for men, I think. My child loves my husband, buys him gifts, makes him cards, asks for his advice and loves to be around him. He is nowhere near as out going as I am, and is adored. Me, if I try, don't try, or stay somewhere in the middle the best I get from my husband's kids is an answer to a question if I ask. Never a card much less a gift and never do they want to speak to me much less ask my advice. Then my husband makes it worse by being sad that his kids don't enjoy me the way my child enjoys him. I guess that is my fault too. It is all too easy to ignore that they have no real reason to like me, and they probably know that being kind to me will not sit well with their mother. Does it hurt, you bet it does!
We get demonized in modern horror movies.
I am always amused by the number of Step Father movies available on demand. We apparently are Skid slasher beast evil incubus husbands.
I was the BM and helped pave a positive path...
Back in 2007, my exDH got remarried several years after our divorce. Our son was about 12 yrs old when they married and we bought homes only 20 minutes apart while all three of us raised our son. I would and still do tell my son he has three wonderful parents. As a busy professional and being secure with myself (no jealousy over exDH's new wife*), I supported and encouraged a healthy relationship between my son and his step-mom. I earned twice the salary as exDH, never hit them up for money, never raised the (minimal) child support in the 13 years it was paid and our son was with me 85% of the time as they enjoyed their newly married lifestyle together. My son would ask me questions about how to handle certain situations when he was there and we would have conversations that were focused on positive communication. I wouldn't get involved with the family dynamics that went on in their home as I knew no form of abuse was involved. ExDH and I had good communication when we had to discuss or clarifiy anything about the boy. When step-mom and exDH had a couple kiddos, I would encourage my son to help her with his two little brothers especially when his dad was working out of town. I would encourage our son and his gf to babysit both little brothers while exDH and wife go on date night. Both teens learned how to change diapers and keep two active little ones safe for a few hours! Our son was 14 yrs old when first little brother was born and said he was struggling to bond so we processed those feelings as they came up. We shared holidays, the kids' birthdays, step-mom and I kept track of our sons school events, meet up at the parades, I would take him shopping for a little gift or help him make something she might like for Mother's Days, and we all participated in events at our church, etc. Nothing was expected or seemed forced. I didn't want her to feel excluded, I wanted her to be respected and included in our sons life because she showed genuine interest and it was coming from a good place in her heart. They would invite me over for holidays, I didn't expect it and never overstayed the visit, when my exDH would bring up 'remember when...' and I would not encourage the story to go on because we don't need to go down memory lane and especially not in front of her, out of respect for her feelings. I dated on the weekends our son with with them and didn't bring another man into our son's life while he was still in school.
*When I was stationed overseas, I was planning a trip to Poland to shop, an almost 7 hour drive one-way...exDH's (then gf/now wife/sons SM) wanted to go per exDH. I had one colleague going with me and I agreed she could go too, what he heck, girls trip. Well, my colleague didn't show up to meet at 1:30am to start the drive, so exDH's then gf/now wife/sons SM and I drove together. Um, ok. So I encouraged her to recline the seat, turn on the seat heater, take a nap, here's a pillow! Nope, she stayed up and we chatted the entire trip even after a very awkward first few minutes. We stayed overnight in a hotel in Dresden after shopping all day across the border in Poland. I learned she is a history buff and researched Dresden and did a walking tour for us and had a few suggestions for dinner near the hotel. I'll have to say that I learned (and told her this) that she and my exDH had so many things in common and I was happy that they were both so happy together. So, if you want to get to know someone, take a road trip and shop all day!
So I ended up on StepTalk earlier this year after I made the mistake of marrying a guy (not a man)...I'll call him exNarc, that didn't pave the way for me to be a responsible adult in the lives of his two daughters. The little bitches were 15 and 19 when he and I met 5 years prior to that mistake marriage thing. I was ignored by the two little bitches while their daddddyyyyy did nothing to help. All the while as I watched exWhoreBM and her hubby (the one she had an affair with) snap photos, be besties on social media and get hugs from both little bitches while I was treated like I was invisible. ExNarc was in on the fun...except me, being ignored & holding back tears. Queue in total lack of empathy. Ends up exNarc really does have NPD and some BPD traits thrown in for extra drama. And that hot mess of a family does drama! The good folks here gave me the kick in the pants for marrying him, tolerating their bullcrap and the final kick in the pants to get me out of the house of hell (after my mistake marriage that lasted less than two months). I think a lot of men say they will make for an easy landing when StepMom has a permanent place in the family once they marry, but in reality, most men don't know how to pave the way for a smooth landing. I learned on here what enmeshment, parentification, gaslighting and triangulation meant in these unhealthy relationships and I decided that the exNarc's family dysfunction was not a good fit for me and exNarc was becoming physical as his mask kept slipping off when I would stand my ground about the disrespect from the exSD20 and exSD23 (aka DaughterWife). I left because I had no reason to stay...not.one.reason. When we think things will get better or we want to see the good in people...we really need to take a hard look at ourselves and why we allow ourselves to be disrespected, ignored, slighted, excluded, etc. Y'all helped me see the light!!