Don't do it. I made this mistake leaving so he could visit with the spawn. But, stay with you ? I'm cringing ! I would never in a million yrs let either one of his spawn live here. I allowed his elderly dad stay in the heat index we just had but that was short stay but he went through my stuff and took over.  We got him air conditioning and sent him back. But, please his heart I think he's deserving of comfort and care. But, steps..... Just imagine spawn adults taking over. I mean it's a shame we can't trust them, trust they'll grow up or change even.  Stand strong and stand your ground. It's your home too

GOOD JOB!  I understand completely.  It's been 38 years of my DH ignoring it and finally 8 years ago, I decided to handle it without DH.  

DH did the same thing; he laid the blame on me.  I came back with "Don't go there!  It's not my problem, you raised this piece of work daughter, I had nothing to do with the development of her attitude, rudeness, and jealousy of every person in your life.  You handle it, but she's not welcome to visit, but only for a short few hours, in our home."    Again, stand your ground.  

You are going to be blamed for any incident anyway, just ignore their blame and keep it out of your house and away from you.  My SD57 has tried to destroy our marriage for 38 years, just mark your territory and stick to it.  Now is your opportunity to step forward and don't depend on your DH supporting your decisions, he probably won't, but he'll get over it in a few years.  We even separated because I set boundaries; I stuck to them and we are much better. 

Again, hang in there with your boundaries!

"DH says if I am not here when they come it will exacerbate the sitiuation". Exacerbate for whom? Not you that is for d@mn  sure. At this point with SD who cares. Stick to your guns on this one. Do what works for you.

I banned adult SD from our last house overseas and our current house just 1.5 hours from her. The distance is great until they want to visit, right?

Here's how I framed it very calmly for my husband: "You don't get to see SD very often and you should make the most of your visits. When I'm there, there's tension. There's always hurt feelings. SD really doesn't care for me, but she loves you so let's make your visits tension free. You know she would rather see you alone, so you see her alone in wherever you choose and I'll stay here. You'll have a better time without all that tension."

I don't assign blame, I don't say whose feelings are hurt, I'm just stating facts. I made it clear in my tone that this was how it was going to be and when he bulked, I reminded him that early on, SD demanded to see him alone and he always honored her wishes while I was left behind. I told him then that if he catered to her whim, his life would be split in two. All these years later, I am the one demanding that he see her alone, elsewhere, and now he had to honor my wishes. So that's how we do it now.

Don't leave your house for her visit. Insist they see each other anywhere but at your house. You cannot be displaced because SD can't play nice. It's a bad precedent to start. SD is still getting to see her dad, but there's a price to pay for her not playing nice. And your husband must pay a price for not setting SD straight in the beginning. You are not coming between them -- he can see her, but you can't be expected to make space for her when THEY have never made space for you. You don't have to say any of this -- this is what you tell yourself to stay firm.

Wait until the dust settles a little and then reason with him as I wrote above. There's little he can argue with, right? Sadly, you have to turn it around and show him there's something in it for SD because that's all these fathers care about. If your SD ever pulled that bit about only seeing him without you, that makes this reasoning all the harder for him to oppose.

Stand firm on this. It's fair and not a huge concession on their part after all these years. Trust me, when SD visits the next time and the next time, you'll be glad you set this boundary for this visit.

"DH says if I am not here when they come it will exacerbate the sitiuation".

This would be too easy for me.   I could "exacerbate the situation" 10x more than he could imagine if provoked in my home.

I think part of the reason my DH hasn't said a peep about SS33 and his GF coming back into our home is that he knows that it would not go well.  I'm not one to yell or curse - but I can use words like a fine scalpel.  It would not be pretty.

"You reap what you sow", meaning you have to eventually face the consequences of your actions. 

Every time I think I'm being too harsh and cold, in regards to my disengagement; I remind myself of this.

I have even reminded my DH of the above quote.  Nor is my SD's attitude my problem, I didn't raise the b****tch.

Why should you have to leave your own home because hateful adult SD and kids are going there? It is your home-a place where you should feel the most comfortable. Do not let your DH's brood drive you out of there. Do not wait on them, be hospitable or given them the time of day due to the hateful way Skid is to you.

Your house, you call the shots. Tell your DH to meet them elsewhere and that they can stay elsewhere, otherwise he can find a place to stay too.

Let your SH know he needs to grow some and any toxic remark made toward you by his brood needs to be addressed by him.

good luck

Do not agree to his emotional ploy. YOU protect yourself and let HIM deal with the fall out of his sad parenting.  You stay at your home in peace the entire time he desires to visit with her.  She needs to learn to play nice if she wants to be in the game.

I asked him to walk me through what that would look like.  Answer:  “fine they can’t stay with us” implying it is my fault.

So I guess that we all know where SD got her manipulation skills.  DH is playing you just like SD is playing him.  

For me, I found that trying to reason with this kind of person is impossible.  They cast off blame and responsiblity like flowers pedals at a wedding and then wait and see if you will pick one up.  If you do then Eureka! it is all your problem.  My DH was much like this.  His mother was like this and his darling daughters are too.  

I chose to stop playing.  I don't pick up the guilt nor the responsibility.  When he says "fine they can't stay with us" I smile and say "I think that is a good decision".  Walk away.  Change the subject.   Let him bring it up next time.  When he does, look puzzled, "I thought the matter was settled - they are staying at a hotel".  If DH wants to have an adult conversation he has to start acting like one!

As for time with them during the visit - make it at some place other than your home and drive separate!!!  If it gets too much simply state that you are tired, need to lemon pledge your cupboards, have a headache, want to let them have time alone together, or anything else.  Get in your car and go home.  Go home without DH.  He can stay and visit.  

When DH has to deal with his snarky daughter by herself he might have a different opinion of her.

I don't have to deal with my SD57 much at all now.  What worked for me, doesn't necessarily work for everyone.  

I was honest with DH and told him I didn't want SD57 in "our" home.  I also honestly told him I would be civil, so that he could visit with her, although I hoped she would not stay long.  I also informed DH that "one word or action of disrespect from either of them and "they" all are out, while I held the door for them".  I mean it!  DH knows I mean it!

I treat SD57 with no reaction at all, when she visits.  I do not visit with her, I do not hostess her, I do not offer her the time of day; I do not fix a meal for them, I do not even offer them a cold drink...absolutely nothing.  She stays less than an hour to visit, approximately 4 times a year.  That said, she still cannot help her snarky remarks, when she does visit.  I ignore them completely and laugh to myself, because I know our peaceful life, she hates.

SD tells DH "I don't feel comfortable visiting in your home".  Surprise...surprise.  For 30+ years my SD57 was extremely passive aggressive and rude to me and I tolerated it often, for DH's sake.  That is over forever.  What "SD feels" doesn't concern me; you see I don't care any longer what DH or his grown children think or say.  It used to infuriate me and the fight was on; not for the past 4 years.  I am over it all.  I woke up one day, had enough, and took a stand by setting boundaries for myself and disengaging from my SD and DH's games.  My marriage is better for it.

I set the rules, they follow them, or I see them out the door.  The same rule applies to my family or anyone that steps foot into our peaceful home with an attitude.  They are out!  

Take this opportunity to begin to set boundaries in your own home; include anyone that brings hate and discontent into your home.

"I set the rules, they follow them, or I see them out the door.  The same rule applies to my family or anyone that steps foot into our peaceful home with an attitude.  They are out!"

Absolutely!!  Toxic should never be tolerated. Even from family.  Particularly from anyone in the blended family opposion including SKids if they choose to be the opposition.  They choose to be toxic, they choose the consequences.  We bring the pain.... and I for one have some fun when I bare their toxic asses.

Get the pool cleaned that day- or invite your friends over for a pool party so there's no room for them- failing that pour in lots of acid or something... just joking obviously,but creativity is a marvelous thing!

No. No pool. This is just another manipulation tactic aiming to invalidate your feelings and circumvent your boundaries. No means no.

After reading so many of these posts, it seems we are all living the same life...I never know how widespread it really is.

Check your inbox...there are more developments...

Always finds fault with us, unless we kiss there ass,  then that not nice enought. Screw him, let him take his kid someplace else