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does it boil down to our husband's trying to separate relationships?

coloradomama8171's picture

Hello,

 

I have just joined this group and after reading a few posts I feel a bit less crazy Smile My question is, I amwondering if the fathers are the real culprits? My husband seems to separae relationships - as in the one with me and the one with his daughters. Of course I feel like an outsider - I find my self upset with the SD's but really  - isn't the father driving this bus? I share my children's lives with him, as one - however I never get that from him when it comes to his girls, however he shares the realtionship with his son - so weird!!! Just wondering what y'alls thoughts are on this.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Hi. Could you clarify a bit more for people as in ‘share’? 

Its not always fathers ‘driving the bus’ sometimes it’s ‘what their children want they get’ even if grown up. The grown up kid can be the driving force but it is very difficult to have an opinion based on this info. - but yes fathers have a lot to answer for if they let their children boss them around. 

Do you mean that the daughters never come around the marital home to visit and only meet him outside the house?

Best of luck.

 

coloradomama8171's picture

Hi there!

Basically when they do come around I am excluded, kinda used to that and it is ok with me Smile

The thing that gets me is that they call him often during the day, he rarely shares any of the upcoming events planned or if he has planned a lunch date with one of them, or if they are showing up at our home and staying a few days. I think some of these things obtain to me as well! I would like to know when there will be houseguests for sure. I am expected to cook holiday meals, do all the clean up - but am never informed who is coming until last minute! So odd to me, I share everything with DH about my kids and grandkids and totally involve him. His daughters almost treat him as a boyfriend, I mean it is odd to me!

 

MissTexas's picture

details.

It's awful, but I've started doing that too.

Dh and SD colluded against me legally, basically leaving me destitute. I had no input to their legal attorney visits, I had to find out on my own.

Though I've never put him in a position that horrible, I have become more comofortable making UNILATERAL DECISIONS, and not telling him one thing about it, as I have been kept in the dark, so I am happy to return the favor. 

Like DH's do not tell wives, if I don't tell him what my plans are, then he can't get a plan w SK's. Like he does me, I have to guess what is going on all the time, and roll with it. What's good for the gander is also equally good for the goose. DH acts shocked if I'm not home and in bed every night by 9:00. If I'm not home by a certain time, he does call and inquire where I'm at or what I'm doing. It's never anything impressive...usually at the grocery store, or running other errands. 

But to recap, he keeps you in the dark because it suits him better. They always know DAYS in advance when their precioius babies are planning to visit. And yes, when SK's are around, I do not exist. That's also typical.

Winterglow's picture

Holiday meals - put your foot down. Anyone who hasn't confirmed their presence seven days beforehand will not be catered for and their invitation will be revoked. And MEAN IT! (My grandmother would lock the door before sitting down to a holiday meal and anyone who arrived late knew when the door wouldn't open that they were in the doghouse and also would have to make alternative arrangements...)

Alternatively, you could tell him that this year it's his turn to cook ... see how that works out.

Dovina's picture

why they do this. It all depends on the dynamics.

1. The daughters have "mini wife traits" and they do not accept you so best to keep you apart. As the joke goes " the only way my wife and mistress will meet is at my funeral"

2. He doesnt want to deal with your (rightfully so) comments, and certainly doesnt want to confront them on the disrespect they fling your way. Or worse you actually stand up to them. Best to keep you apart.

3. He doesnt want you to see that healthy boundaries are not in place and the grown DD's are treated as equals or like a wife.

4. He doesnt want you to see the backdoor deals he makes with them. 

5. Or for the really balless DH's, he doesnt want you to see how he is such a coward, and will never stand up to them if they disrespect him  or his wife.

  Call me jaded, but IMO these are some reasons!

 

CANYOUHELP's picture

Dovina,

That was the best rationale ever.....wow! Perfect fit!

queensway's picture

Yes I do believe Fathers are the real culprits. They can control things with the Skids the way they want. They keep secrets from us. Most of the time it is because their children are a holes. So they don't want us to know.

Thumper's picture

Nope it does not boil down to that.

Is it possible he is getting heat from the ex...

Edit to add..if there is trouble brewing,,,it usually comes from an ex.

YOU dont do anything with daughter...YOU should spend more time with daughter...YOU shouldnt talk about private issues about our daughter with your wife, its NONE Of her business. Daughter is OUR kid, not yours, hers and mine. Our daughter deserves to come first.....YOU know you should put daughter first you M F+++++

 

 

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

In many cases, yes it does boil down to the actions or inaction of the father. 

There can be other aspects, like a high conflict ex, alienation, meddling inlaws, etc contributing to a situation that is going to suck regardless, but on this site we see lots of men who are weak, ineffective parents or afraid of their exes.

I get tired of reading post after post about people who schlep all their own bad relationship habits from one failed relationship to the next. And don't get me started on men who expect the new gf to be an Instamommy, or parents who expect their new partner to open their wallets and support other people's kids. There really needs to be a remedial education component added to the divorce process that mandates parenting classes. And I don't mean coparenting, I mean how to raise your own d@mn kids.

 

piegirl's picture

I hope that you find a shoulder to lean on here Smile

As most replies have expressed, yes it is the inability of the father to stand up for his marriage, whether that is to assert you as a couple to the SD's or with the BM - it is a partner issue rather than a SD issue.

Good luck 

notasm3's picture

I have no problem with DH keeping his relationships with me and his son separate.  Since I banned SS from my life I am the one who is driving that. 
 

The relationships are separate but they are not equal.  

MissTexas's picture

to share their experiences, and be honest and open, what you soon learn when you're dealing w SK's and DH's is there is a lot of underlying guilt and unfinished emotional business going on.

My DH would run to adult middle-aged SD and tell her every detail of our marriage, which is NOBODY's business, and certainly not HERS. He would talk about me negatively with her, with absolutely no basis, as I have bent over backward to be nothing but an amazing wife to him. He would even tell me I have been his rock, a stellar wife in every way. Then WHY? Simple, because he is trying to give SD the "dirt" to show her she is number one with him, not his wife. DH's who do this never think their wives will learn the truth, so they keep brown nosing these girls, straddling both sides of the fence. It's really a sick enmeshement, and at the point personal details are shared on a regular basis, triangulation happens.

As much as we'd like to say "It's all SD's FAULT" it truly is DH's fault. He spins the drama and craves the attention it brings, I guess? 

His refusal to address his adult procreation's behavior, and abuses of both of us is not what I envisioned my life being like at this age and stage of the game. 

It is what it is. While I was honest, transparent, loyal, loving and giving, he was always moving behind the scenes, insisting, "She likes you, she REALLY likes you. She always asks about YOU." Yes, bc she's a classic narc and she feeds off these details. 

Disengagment may be the only way to preserve your sanity. I haven't had to put my eyes on her nasty ass in over a year, and that is a good thing.

These men have the option to have a wonderful, fulfilling marriage, but they ruin it all by letting SD's move into the wife's role, and the wife shifts to the child's role. Why? Guilt? Who knows all the reasons. I would certainly rather have a happy fulfilling marital life, as I LIVE with that person FULL-TIME, whereas I only see my kids here and there. Makes absolutely no sense, but make no mistake it IS ALL DH's FAULT, and SD's are symptoms to daaadeee's illness.

2Tired4Drama's picture

"WHY? Simple, because he is trying to give SD the "dirt" to show her she is number one with him, not his wife. DH's who do this never think their wives will learn the truth, so they keep brown nosing these girls, straddling both sides of the fence." 

I have a very similar experience in that my SO always compliments me as his life partner.  He has also claimed that SD has never said anything bad about me, ever.  But as you say, Texas, who knows what goes on behind the scenes.  I have no idea what the conversations between him and SD are like when I am not around.  He could be bashing me outright, or just making subtle non-verbals when my name comes up, who knows?  I think if he ever demonstrated to SD in words or non-verbals that I was not his priority then she would probably react positively towards that.  Thus, he would keep doing it.  I don't know this to be true, as in your case, but I could certainly see it happening.  

Its my opinion that my SO is fundamentally jealous of his very tenuous relationship with SD, and will do anything to protect it. 

Add to this dysfunction a BM who is a practioner of alienation against the father, and there is zero chance ANY woman will be able to have a successful relationship with the man's kids - especially a daughter.

 

jam's picture

My husband allowed his daughter to drive the bus. She would simply tell him she was coming down and then she would stay as long as she felt like it. I hated being in the dark and wondering when she & her kids would leave. My dh was afraid to ask her how long she was staying as he felt that would insult her or hurt her feelings. He would get upset with me for asking. To me it all boils down to fear. These husbands are afraid of their children and that leaves these adult kids in control. 

The last straw for me was when my sd came down with her 4 boys at that time and stayed FOUR DAYS. I worked my butt off cooking and cleaning while sd was more like on vacation. Her children also had a problem with bed wetting and I exploded after four days of wet beds. 

The next visit I INSISTED ON PULL-UPS. I did get some push back from sd but I am happy to say I won that battle. She has not brought her children to stay at my home in almost a year now.

Thisisnotus's picture

I am going to say yes! At least in my case. DH has kids, I have kids, and we have a kid together....no matter what it never ever feels like we are one family and I've come to realize that it is my DH's fault at the end of the day.

DH communicates with his Ex wife, with his mother and with his kids and what they are doing.....I'm not included and may found out at the last minute. 100% his fault.

Harry's picture

How many are going to be there for holidays ect.  That him showing you NO respect.   He does not respect you as a person, a partner, or wife.  Until you demand respect you are not going to get it.  You don't have to cook holiday dinner. If he does not talk to you about who coming over.  He can cook it.

you have to disengage, not do anything unless your basic requirements are met.  Who coming over, what time,  what time they are leaving.? If going to stay over,  how many days ? He has to go shopping for food for his kids., or family or friends. 
 

untill you do this it's not going to change. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

Completely agree with this. I would not lift a finger. I would be booking myself for a spa getaway.

"What did you say, DH? Skids are coming? Why didn't you tell me? I won't be home then; I am sure you can manage. Oooops gotta go pack!"

queensway's picture

Oooooops gotta go pack!!! I love this.