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Friends I need your input on my ADULT SKIDS

CanadianNonna's picture

Hello everyone, Im struggling with my two steps, SD age 34 and SS age 36. I also have a Bio Son "A" who I am very close to. In fact his wife is like a daughter ("C") to me. All 3 kids are married with kids. They each had their first baby in 2018. Also in 2018 my closest friend who was a sister to me died of cancer. While my friend was in her final weeks of life my DIL gave birth and almost bled to death from a rare condition. She was in ICU for a week and lost 4 litres of blood. I moved in with them a 6 hour drive away for 3 weeks to help with the baby while she recovered. My friend died a month later. I spent many hours driving long distances to be with my friend, help my DIL and try and see my DH. As a result I didnt spend a lot of time with my SD and SS or their new babes in 2018. After the worst year of my life and heartbroken over the loss of the one person on earth who knew me inside out my SS and SD sat me down at XMAS 2018 and told me essentailly what a shit i am and how i favor my new biol gradnchildren over their new babies. Also I gave my 36 yr old  SS legos to my bio son and he wanted them back for his kids. I did no such thing. THE skids left their stuff at our house for years and when we retired and moved they came and got it. My son moved out at 19 before i got married and never had stuff at our new place. IT was ridiculous. I was very upset and of course my DH didnt put them in their place - i had to do it. Up until then I thought we had a friendly  but distant relationship....my response to this was to ask them what my favorite colour was and other questions that would show a basic level of interest in me and of course they had no idea. I then explained its because i am not their parent and we have never had much of a relationship so of course Im going to bemore involved in my own sons life and my bio grandie. I like my step grands - they are kids and little sweethearts but its not the same. ALso my skids have a massive extended family on their moms side and tons of support whereas my son and DIL only have me (my sons dad died and my DILs parents are terrible). It really hurt but what hurt more was the lack of insight into the fact that DIL almost died and my BF died for real only months before this!! its not like i was on vacation for gods sake. they knew all this.  I told them that and said they were being insenitive and i was going to act like the conversation which was out of line never took place. I never got an apology. Then this summer the SD  and hre family wanted to come here from the US prior to the 2 week quarantive being up. I have asthama but im fit so i look healthy. I said no way and even had to print out the govt rules stating that its a mandatory 2 week quarantine. they came to our town in canada and got an air bnb and walked all over town the last 3 days of the quarantine. SD married an american and they were not even supposed to be here. So heres the issue: I am unconfortable around them now because i know how they really feel about me. I have lost trust in my husband after the quarantine incident and i just cant let the issues from what is now almost 2 years ago at XMAS go. Am I being too stubborn? Should i jsut forget it or should we try and resolve it? Ive changed my living will to my son from my husband and my will - it was splitting our assets 3 ways but now all my stuff goes to my son only. so instead of 1/3 of our house he gets half. My DH does not know this change was made. We have been together since 2003, married in 2006. this is really weighting on me. im actually relieved they cant come for xmas because of covid even tho id love to see the kids. i cant wait until the step grands  are old enough  to come on their own. I love kids and when they are here i paly with them to avoid the parents. one more thing - my son and DIL and 21/2 yr old moved to our town in jan whereas the skids all live far away so when they come they are here for a week and its incredibly stressfull. thx for your input.

Stepmummingfun's picture

I am so sorry to hear of the huge difficulties you have had to deal with and the toll they have taken on you. So incredibly hard. The way I see it - and I am rushing so it will be brief. You need to take care of you and spend your energy on your immediate family - which means trying to find a way to reconnect with your DH or if you can't then how you tolerate separating or making the most of what you have while you choose to stay there. I am assuming that DH has bought into their 'hurt' re you not being as available to them, whereas it is more likely just another way to denigrate you without them looking bad.

You don't need to buy into their (SK's) behaviour but instead look at how to heal from the trauma. Focus on what is really important to you. The attachment isn't the same with SK's. You can care, love etc - but the attachment isn't the same! Take care of you. 

JRI's picture

The main question is, how is your relationship with your DH?  Is it solid, do you plan to stay together no matter what?  If so, I would let go of any expectations about the SKs, dont wait for any apologies, just let it go.  All you owe them is a polite, civil demeanor.  Don't worry if they don't really know you, they don't care.  I would avoid any in-depth conversations with them and leave them to have their  relationship with DH.  Concentrate on him and your bios.

tfsimmons's picture

Dear StepSister - While there is much knowledge to be learned and shared on this site, the raw sadness of your words cannot be soothed here - at least not yet...  Please find a grievance or even general professional counselor to help you deal with your deep loss and identify the shortcomings of your DH and crappy SKIDs.  You will find the clarity and compassion you need to move forward and make the best decisions in time.  First things first - and - going to the church of your choice absolutely strengthens the core of who you are and encourages your purpose in Life.  Stay strong and God Bless.

simifan's picture

Your DH should have stood up for you and put his children in their place with their entitled behavior. The fact they didn't even know your favorite color is very telling. I would be extremely disappointed in my husband and lose a lot of respect for him. I would suggest couples counselling for you.

Peach's picture

You need to concentrate on your DH and drop the rope with the SKs.  If he won't go to counseling to address these issues, then consider your options there too.

still learning's picture

Even during a time of grieving for you it is all about skids, this should tell you all you need to know.  Your DH just like most of ours will betray you in favor of his children.  Know and expect this, lower your expectations with him but set firm boundaries.  There is likely no resolving this one way relationship with skids. I'm sure they like their mother more than they like you but you're expected to fawn over them and their kids?!  Legos? Really?  Skid is really digging to find something to be slighted about.  Practice baby steps of disengaging. It's hard at first but gets easier with implementation and time.  Sorry you've so much loss in such a short time. (((HUGS)))

Kes's picture

So sorry about your friend - your SDs showed their true colours after your awful experiences - my advice is remain disengaged and hold them seriously at arm's length from now on.  Be civil but cool, is what I would do.  

tog redux's picture

Good for you for standing up to them! Your DH needs to do so as well.  Otherwise I'd have little to do with them.  Certainly don't allow them at your home. 
 

(By the way, Americans can be in Canada if they are married to a Canadian, but they do need to quarantine just like a Canadian who visited the US would have to). 

CLove's picture

You lost so much and your DIL is so lucky to have you there beside her!!!

I would focus on those that love and appreciate you, first and foremost.

Disengage. I  know its hard because you love the skgrands, but pretty soon they will grow up and take on the attitudes of their parents. 

Also, great job with the will situation. And its time for some major heart to hearts with your husband. He really needs to have your back with his toxic spawn.