He left me
DH suddenly left me because his kids are voicing that I ruined their relationship with their dad. They gave him an ultimatum and he chose them.' They are 19 and 20 years old. DH and I have been married four years. Everyone will tell you I have been great to these kids. They have had problems adjusting to our marriage since day 1 bc they were close with their dad before I came along. Their mom is manipulative and horribly controlling person that controlled DH before I entered the picture. I swear he was married to his daughter and I felt like the other woman. He doesn't want to try. He doesnt want counseling. He doesnt want to be married. But he says he loves me. I am standing here in complete awe that he did this to me... and to our other half the family (we have 3 more kids).
My heart is broken.
I am so sorry you seem very
I am so sorry you seem very heartbroken. It saddens me greatly to read yet another post where adult, grown up children think they are entitled to have a say on a parents relationship.
Get to the bank first thing in the morning
Get to the bank first thing in the morning - or get on the internet now - and check on your accounts. Move at least 1/2 the money in all your joint accounts to new accounts at a different bank. Get all of your important papers together. Contact the 3 best lawyers in town and make consultation appointments with all of them. If he has moved out, change the locks.
You need to take steps immediately to protect yourself and your kids.Start reading up on child support in your county. You can file for immediate support for your kids, even if you haven't started the divorce process.
For the time being, quit talking to him. He is trying to confuse you when he says he loves you but doesn't want counseling or to be married.
Correction manipulate not confuse
I'd say he's trying to manipulate you so you don't take immediate action to protect yourself with the 'I love you still' nonsense.
Dont fall for it. Lawyer up and do everything you can to protect yourself.
The only thing I would add to
The only thing I would add to this is call your best girlfriend up and show her this advice so she can help guide you through this. You are worth more then any man who would walk away so easily. Best of luck to you.
Absolutely what
Absolutely what notsurehowtodeal said! Great advice!
Now me, I'm the vindictive type. I'd let it be known on social media that your husband abandoned you and three small kids with no warning... and wait and see what happens.
What kind of a "man" walks out on his wife and three young children just because his adult kids say that he has to?
What kind of a "husband" says that he loves you but that your marriage is not worth bothering with?
Take this spineless apology for a human being to the cleaners!
Also ask your attorney if you
Also ask your attorney if you live in an "alientation of affection" state. This guy is an a$$, allowing his adult children to sway his opinion of the marriage and abandon a wife and three children.
Are the three kids his? Just
Are the three kids his? Just asking since 3 kids in 4 years is a lot, and am wondering if those three kids are your bios and not his? I hope so, anyway. I hope he wouldn't walk away from 3 young kids because his other kids are demanding it.
That was my question too.
That was my question too.
My response will greatly vary based on this.
Sorry to hear you are going
Sorry to hear you are going through this. It is very painful. My partner has just left too. I hope you are ok. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Massive massive hugs from me to you hub in this absolutely
horrible time...
my ss about 2 yrs ago gave his dad an ultimatum at age 20 that if dad kept asking him to acknowledge me and our 2 young kids together, be decent/civil/respectful etc that he would run away from home!!!
Hubby caved in and even blamed me on making his kidult at age 20 wanting to run away!!
oh boy did hubby cop it from me!! Ss was so full of crap, wants to run away from home with no job, no savings no home no nothing!! What he expects daddy to provide the rent??
ever since then i disengaged fully... no way was my hubby abandoning us. The ridiculous thing is his 3 kids with exwife treat him so horribly with disrespect and just abandoned him... yet they expect he choose them over us when we love him unconditionally and hubby loves our 2 kids way more... our kids calm him!!!
op, this man of yours will be miserable for life having 2 adults control him but in old age abandon him because its such a burden.
some of these idiots just don’t think!! The person they kick to the kerb is the one who has been loving, caring and supporting them whilst skids have not!!
This is why your marriage did
This is why your marriage did not work: He was "married" to his daughter(s) and you were the other woman. Make no bones about that. Whenever I see an us vs. SM or pick-me, pick-me over SM type situation with SKs (SDs in particular), you find a weaker, enabling DH. Manipulative, controlling BM and weaker, enabling DH = step hell. You also find a DH who treats his kids (again, SDs in particular) more like a wife and his wife more like a child. Your husband is the one who set it up this way, for you and your SDs to be in competition, because he equalized both of your roles, and more than likely, elevated their role to alpha-female, full-time wife status (sans s-e-x, of course) and diminished your role to that more of dad's piece on the side.
So, it had little to do with you yourself and everything to do with your DH, his kids, and, yes, even his ex-. Very unfortunately, tho., because it quckly turns into an initial family vs. SM deal and DHs love to play the "po' whittle ol' me" role (when they were the very one to set it up that way), SM gets 99.9% of the blame. Now, you'd think it would be obvious that you treat a wife like a wife and a child, no matter what age, like a child. But, for some !#@$! reason, these what should be obvious roles get messed up and even reversed in step-families many a time.
A wife and child are two completely different kinds of love. There should be no completition and there should be no choosing. There should just be loving and treating a wife like a wife and loving and treating a child like a child. Just like in initial families. No kid in an initial family would ask dad to take his wife (mom) out of the picture or choose, and if the kid was dumb enough to even try, dad would laugh in his face. Yet, this "choosing" deal seems to come up quite a bit in step-situations, and of course, the assumption is it is Evil SM to blame.
Your DH does not love you. He loves himself foremost, because his main objective is to make things easy for himself period. He is not husband material. He is a mamma's boy lackey Disney dad. And I hate to say it, but many in the US would say that is what a divorced dad should be--a patsy to his kids and someone who kowtows to his ex-, regardless of whether he is remarried or not. Sucks! Yet another reason to never become a SM. Best of luck to you OP. I pray soon you will realize that rather than you suffering some sort of great loss, you have instead had DH give you the "gift" of releasing you from his initial family prison. Now, go see a lawyer and make the most of this "gift."
"A wife and child are two
"A wife and child are two completely different kinds of love. There should be no completition and there should be no choosing. There should just be loving and treating a wife like a wife and loving and treating a child like a child." Those were my exact words to him when he said his kids came before our marriage... that his kids were his first priority. I have a constant knot in my stomach. It feels like he died. He would not agree to counseling. He couldn't tell me what I had done wrong or what was wrong...Other than he loved me, I didint deserve this, and he didnwant to be married anymore, and he did not forsee changing nor for it to get better. And poof. He is cold to me through text- which has only been a brief exchange of when can I get the rest of my stuff. He bought a car, bc the car he drove was in my name. The three remaining children were not ours together and they are victims. He told a mutual friend that he wanted to remain in touch with them throughout their lives to see how they were doing. Can you believe that? He seriously walked out on me and them. They hate him now for hurting me. There was no sit down with them about separation, or the fact we were going try to work this out... like nothing. No reconciliation. Just detatchment and coldness. I swear I was staring at a stranger. And, we had just been had a great weekend filled with intimacy and laughs and I love yous. But he is gone. Seriously gone.
He commited to me. Married me. He made a choice to commit. Now, he thinks he can just decide to he doesn't want marriage and leave? I am so hurt.
"A wife and child are two completely different kinds of love. There should be no completition and there should be no choosing. There should just be loving and treating a wife like a wife and loving and treating a child like a child." Those were my exact words to him when he said his kids came before our marriage... that his kids were his first priority. I have a constant knot in my stomach. It feels like he died. He would not agree to counseling. He couldn't tell me what I had done wrong or what was wrong...Other than he loved me, I didint deserve this, and he didnwant to be married anymore, and he did not forsee changing nor for it to get better. And poof. He is cold to me through text- which has only been a brief exchange of when can I get the rest of my stuff. He bought a car, bc the car he drove was in my name. The three remaining children were not ours together and they are victims. He told a mutual friend that he wanted to remain in touch with them throughout their lives to see how they were doing. Can you believe that? He seriously walked out on me and them. They hate him now for hurting me. There was no sit down with them about separation, or the fact we were going try to work this out... like nothing. No reconciliation. Just detatchment and coldness. I swear I was staring at a stranger. And, we had just been had a great weekend filled with intimacy and laughs and I love yous. But he is gone. Seriously gone.
He commited to me. Married me. He made a choice to commit. Now, he thinks he can just decide to he doesn't want marriage and leave? I am so hurt.
Of course you are hurt,
Of course you are hurt, he did a very hurtful thing. Are you sure there isn't someone else involved in this besides his children? For some reason, I'm getting "other woman vibes" from your post. You are hurting, which is natural. You need to tap into the anger that is lurking below the hurt and start looking out for yourself.
If he already bought a new car, he is spending marital funds behind your back. Contact a lawyer and they will explain how the laws cover that in your state. Seriously, you have got to immediately start protecting yourself financially. Where is the car that is in your name? Make sure you have possession of it.
Have you moved out - you said you need to get the rest of your stuff. Were you renting or do you own your home? If you own it, check with a lawyer about whether it is wise for you to move out or not. The man just left you, what is the rush on you moving out? Why is isn't he the one moving?
Go for his throat!
If he left.... rekey the locks and take the house. Raid every penny from the accounts and get them in your own accounts in a completely different bank.
Get the most aggressive successful divorce attorney and have consult meetings with the next best 9 in your city to keep them fro working for them. That would be conflict of interest.
Go to war, take care of your young kids.... and have fun destroying this incestuous moron.
He is dead to you by the way. Give him zero thought and get on with your life. Protect your children from this incestuous idiot. He is so in love with his own children that he cheated on his wife with them.
Bring the pain and have fun!
Once again, agree with Rags.
Once again, agree with Rags. Take every dime and stash it in your name NOW. Well lyou may have to give some of it back to him, through the courts, latter; I have found that women do better if they have the money to live on during the divorce.
Are you ok?
How are you? I hope you took the advice and lawyered up, protecting yourself and your children.
I feel sad for you. I'm sure
I feel sad for you. I'm sure you've been told plenty of times, but it's not your fault. Rarely do SKs accept their stepmom. Only 20% in fact. Please don't beat yourself up and stay close to your real family during this time. Gobs of hugs!