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Husband acts weird around his daughter....

Step2M0m's picture

I have a 13 year old step daughter that visits on the weekends. However whenever she's around he becomes distant, sometimes territorial and defensive. She's an amazing girl I never had any issues with her. She's not overbearing or a hoverer at all. 

First episode I went to grab his face in an affectionate way in front of her and he jerked his face away from me. Something I do all the time with no issues.

Second event we were having a group conversation and he asked a question I answered his response was "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to her". I had no idea that was the case however seeing the amount of defensive attitude that came out of him when he said it. Lord I wasn't sorry.

The usual jist is that he doesn't even look at me when she's around not a hug nothing. He's as dry as tumble wheat in the dessert. We are that couple that grosses people out usually so yea I notice the change.

I mentioned it to him and he's says yes I know, so I asked do you not want to make her he says no, that she's doesn't get jealous. He followed through with I need to do something about that. Of course it doesn't.

I am lost on where to go here with this as I get no results it's just when Friday comes around I have to turn everything off with myself but then he notices and has an issue. I am not looking to make him happy about I'm trying to find a safe place for myself at this point. Its getting harder for me to pull myself out of the dead zones on the weekends now.

I need general advice.... HELP.

Kes's picture

Gosh, this is a slightly unusual problem in that the step child is not an issue but your DH behaves like a sullen teenager whenever she's there!   Perhaps he thinks it will upset her if she sees the two of you cuddling? I can understand him not wanting to "gross his daughter out" but it sounds like it's more than that  - he becomes hostile and distant?  I think you need to have an in depth talk about this, preferably during the week, when his daughter isn't there. Find out what he is afraid of, and hopefully reach a compromise. 

LaloB512's picture

I think DH is defending SD. I think she IS JEALOUS but DH knows its unwarranted and doesn't want his daughter to look bad. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

And they usually don't get better. 

I have a feeling that if your DH changed his behavior towards you and acted more loving, your SD would probably start acting up.  She is "amazing" and isn't jealous with you because your DH is CLEARLY showing her that she's the Alpha female when she's around.  

Many men (including my SO) are very deferential towards their "little girls" and it often doesn't change.  I had similar experiences with my SO hanging on every word SD says, groveling despite being mistreated/ignored by her, etc.   I decided to disengage and suggest you do the same. Read up on the disengagement section of this site for how others deal with it. 

My personal advice is NOT to announce it to your DH - start out slowly.   Ex. When SD arrives, spend a bit of time with her saying hello, being pleasant.  Then say you forgot you have some important errands to run.  Tell your DH you are not sure when you will be back, so they should go ahead and enjoy the day.

When you do find that you have to be in the house with both of them, find a way to go to your room and be alone.  Say you have a headache, stomachache, whatever.  Go to your room, close the door and disengage.

 

 

Missingme's picture

Very well said, but what if they enjoy her disengagement too much.  Is it possible that there is something Else going on?

tog redux's picture

I'd have a hard time turning my affection back on when he decided I was worthy again. 
 

I was confused by your paragraph about the talk you had. He is afraid she will get jealous and he thinks it's your problem?

Missingme's picture

Uh, just my opinion, but I feel that your husband has the hots for his daughter and it's likely always going to eat your lunch.  Sick world we're living in.  What sucks is that you're not sure about what you're sensing, so you'll likely stick around until you're no longer viable for someone who is emotionally sound to adore you.  Just my 2 cents based on what you've shared.  

Winterglow's picture

He needs reminding that this isn't about avoiding making a little girl jealous, it's about modelling what a normal adult relationship looks like. Tell him to knock the hot and cold towards you off.

Rags's picture

Time for the direct zero question about it approach IMHO.

Sit him down and inform him that the distant sullen affection free crap when SS arrives stops immediately or he and she are gone.  I get an occasional period where a person in an equity life partnership needs some space. But every weekend and only when the Skid is there...... Nah?  Not tolerable IMHO.

Then start calling him on it in front of SD each and every time he does it.  Start sitting next to him, taking his hand any time you are together, suck face with him overtly as you do when SD is not there, etc, etc, etc.... and have THE LOOK ready to flash at him if he so much as flinches.

Some issues require a zero tolerance approach.

Try it.

sandye21's picture

My DH used to do this when SD was visiting also. He didn't even want to be alone with me.  When we went on vacation he and SD would walk ahead of me.  They had little private conversations.  She wasn't pleasant like your SD.  At that time I was just plain stupid, trying to make a marriage work to a man who had no respect for me. 

You set the stage for how people treat you.  It is totally unacceptable for a husband to treat his wife as if she is in the shadows when the skids are present.  As Rags advises, sit him down and 'inform' him (not a request), that his overly distant behavior when SD is present will not fly with you.  Also inform him this is non-negotiable.  If he objects in any way, take another look at your marriage and ask yourself if you want to live with a man who shows this much disrespect for you for the rest of your life.

Rags's picture

sandye,

This was me early in our marrige (to my incredible DW).  I was still working through the demise of my first marriage.  My DW and I married 3 years after my divorce was final... almost to the day.  We met a few months past the two year anniversary of my divorce.

I did not ignore her but I struggled with basic affection.  Holding hands in public, hugging, kissing, etc.... I even struggled with it at home for some reason.  25 years later I don't understand what my deal was back then but... it was not sustainable and it was not fair to my wife or to me, or the kid for that matter.  He did not need a moody distant unaffectionate example of a man married to his mom.

I knew it was off so I fixed it.  I have always been incredibly proud to be my wife's DH.  And I relish in holding her hand or walking arm in arm when we are out and about.  But for some reason at that time I had issues.

I don't recall my DW every saying a word about it but I know it broke her heart which is probably what got my attention and motivated me to fix it.

My issues had nothing to do with a kid visiting or the Skid we were raising together.  It was just BS I had to work through.

 

Dovina's picture

My DH at the beginning would be like for his adult DD's benefit. He wouldnt even sit next to me when we were at her house. If I quietly said something to DH in her presence, ie: whispered can we leave soon, he would shout out WHAT? Made me feel I did not have any "back up" if needed from the extremely rude princess.

This has stopped after numerous arguments and letting him know that I am your wife ALWAYS. He did this as to not hurt SD's feelings...she was in her late 20's . We rarely socialize with SD anymore THANK DOG!! Not sure if she cant handle it, or its not worth it for DH to deal with her jealousy or my assertion to be treated the same always no matter who we are with. The end result, less SD for me works!!!! Plus I am happily disengaged.

You need to talk to DH and let him know this isnt good for your relationship or for his DD. She needs to become accustomed to you being an affectionate couple.

sammigirl's picture

Thank you for bringing this up.  I have yet to find the answer with my DH.  I just gave up and have moved beyond it.

40 years and it has not changed.  My DH even mixes a strong drink, when SD59 comes to visit.  He is cold, defensive, and actually acts like he is the only person in the room with SD, when she visits.

I have never understood it.  My SD can be a twin to BM in looks.  I think DH looks at SD and many things come to mind.  I also believe he still has feelings of guilt with his past, which was a very dysfunctional marriage and family life, who knows???  We have discussed it; DH swears I am imagining his behavior.   My DH is a narcissist,  so I pick my fights for sure.

I ignore the drama and no longer care about my DH's baggage.  I didn't create his past.

If you figure it out, let me know.  Interesting how some people carry their past with them forever.

Missingme's picture

Well, it seems obvious that your husband has been in love (or lust) with his daughter since she was a kid.  It's sick and evil and it happens.  I just can't imagine how you've dealt with your emotions over the obvious for so long.  My 2 cents, of course.  I'm sorry you've had to live with that reality for so long.  

SlyMd's picture

Your comment just sent chills through my body.  This man, my friend, I fear has the same lust for his daughter.  He is 59 she is 48 and he just moved her in his home.  Our relationship is practically over at this point....I can not compete with a man that has a hard-on for his grown child.  When he told me he was considering this and asked me my opinion, I told him thaqt there were several wrongs with this picture.  First it will interfer with our relationship, as he has told previously she has always been jealous of his female friends when she was younger.  When she initially found out about me, she sent me a friend request on fb and then out of the blue blocked me and her dad....she blamed it on hurting over the loss of his wife and his mother who died 2 yrs ago.......shes not 20 or 25 but 48 with 3-4 adult kids of her own. 

 

MissTexas's picture

witness. We all seem to just dissolve upon their arrival. At first, I wondered if it was really so, but with each visit, there was no mistaking it. DH would cook her favorite foods, and make sure the sheets were fresh, lights were on in the place she would sleep, make sure I'd gotten air freshener SHE likes for her stay, and ON AND ON. 

Like Sammi said,"If you figure it out, let me know." More than a few of us have been scratching our heads, trying to figure out how we can be so important until SD's show up, then we just seem to evaporate. It's the closest thing to the reversal of evolution I think I've ever eperienced.

sammigirl's picture

It is a subject I would love to hear a marriage therapist give answers.

My DH would never go to a marriage therapist,  and never will consider any constructive criticism.   He and his DD have their lives perfect, everyone else is nuts.  

Six years ago I disengaged from their relationship, they are welcome to enjoy each other, without my input.  

I actually enjoy being silent; they both hate the fact I no longer care.  

This is how I view my SD and her family visiting:   

SD is a repairman.  DH is disabled and she visits only 3-4 times a year, now that he is a sick man.  So her visits temporarily repair him.  Good for her!  She threw a big fit, because she wanted DH to herself.  I never stopped that at any time.  Now SD doesn't want the ugly that comes with disability.

I take my marriage seriously, I didn't marry her.  DH has been told all of the boundaries I write here on steptalk.  With that said, he will never know I am a steptalk family member.  There are no secrets concerning our problems, brought into our marriage, due to the "step mother" label placed on me.  DH knows exactly where it all stands. 

I should have never engaged with SD 40 years ago.  I should have always had boundaries in place.  Just saying for you that are new step parents here. 

Without this site, I would be in prison.  Thanks to all of you here, I am free.  I will never leave here.  I read daily.

One thing that did shed light on this for me.  DH once told me I was trying to turn his DD against him.  I had ask him why he had never addressed her about showing me respect.  His answer was if he addressed her behavior,  she would walk out of his life.  My DH has never stood up to his daughter, although he has his sons, thus they show respect to me.  He has never had to address his 2 sons concerning me.  He taught them respect long before meeting me.  I pointed this out to him.  His answer, "I am not going to address SD!" 

It's wasting your time to give it your energy.  They are very afraid of losing their DDs.

 

 

 

Missingme's picture

I'm truly sorry that you're in the predicament you are that you'd have to rely on this site "daily" for what you say is freedom.  I don't consider it freedom to be bound to a social site daily that deals with so much agony on the whole.  Anyway, I can't imagine having to come here daily in order to stay married to a complete emotionally-deficient idiot.  Best to you.  (Ps, I hope one day you'll muster the courage to leave him and get what you deserve-a man who's emotionally available.)

sammigirl's picture

You misunderstood my humor....when I say "freedom", it means this site and my therapist here, have prevented me from committing murder, thus going to prison, Lol; it was a thank you to everyone here that has helped  me.  I give myself freedom, from what I learn here.

We have been married 40 years.  The only problem we have ever had, DH's past marriage and total dysfunctional life he developed with his ex and three grown children.  

After spending time here and the support I received here, I woke up one day and realized it was not my zoo.  Seriously! I literally realized I was causing my own misery by carrying my DH's baggage.   

My DH cannot let the past go.  I have no problem letting go.  My previous marriage, the death of my two teen sons years ago, as well as the cause of my DH's total disability, is in the past. 

With this said, I move forward.  I am that type of person.  I do not move forward without tears, grief, regret, or anger.  I overcome the weight of the baggage and love my life for me.

My DH carries heavy baggage.   This is his problem, I keep it out of my marriage.   I didn't cause his problems.  I didn't create his past.  I don't care if he is enmeshed with his grown DD.  He loves me, I love him.

I have uncomfortable days, it is part of life.  My SD is out of my life, except for occasional visits to her ill father. 

As soon as I let it go, I had full attention of my DH.  It is good.  Of course when SD comes around, my DH gets all wound back into his past with her.  It doesn't bother me any longer.  I have moved beyond their woes.  SD has no idea what happened with me, because I have changed since total disengagement 7 years ago.  It was not easy, but I am much happier, I am back to being true to me.  

DH and SD continue their misery, that will not change. I have changed!   Hugs...

sammigirl's picture

Without your wisdom Rags, I would be sitting in prison, LOL.

Hugs and again Thank You.

piegirl's picture

Oh Sammi, I long for a day when I can get myself to the place you have worked hard to get to. This journey is definitely a day by day experience - nothing that is anywhere near normal or usual. For me that is the hardest part - it's just so foreign and the goal posts keep changing! 

sammigirl's picture

Missingme: You did not offend me.  I always read comments here knowing all the facts are not understood.  This is a therapy site for me.  I am open to constructive input.

Absolutely no problem.  A also answered your message.  ☺

Disillusioned's picture

Great advice on here, agree with Sandye, Rags and the others who suggest a sit-down frank dicussion about how your DH's actions are making you feel 

And yes I think many of us have experienced it and it's so confusing

My situation is similar to sammie's in that my DH did this also, but strangely only with YSD

When DH & I first met and both SD's were visiting EOW, etc.. he was pretty much as loving and effectionate with me when they were around as when they weren't (appropriately of course)

When OSD was moved in with us full-time, DH was still the same with me.

Even despite all OSD's jealousy and temper tantrums, DH didn't put me on the back-burner

But once OSD moved back in with BM and it was only YSD coming over EOW, and at that time hit her mid-teens, everything changed with DH & I every time she was there

From the moment she arrived DH changed how he treated me, everything was about YSD to a rediculous degree. Every conversation with with or about her. Everything we ate, everywhere we went, everything we did catered to her and only her. 

If I was in the middle of saying something and YSD interrupted me, DH would immediately respond to her and cut me off as well

Generally YSD was fine with me - like someone else on here pointed out with you, probably because like you SD, mine also knew she not I was the alpha female when she was there - but on the occasions when she wasn't fine but was a disrespectful brat, DH did nothing much to support me and continued to kiss her butt

I had many a frank discussion with DH after she left and even some arguments where he tried to turn it all around and make it seem it was me that had the problem

Despite lettting DH know that his treatment confused, hurt, angered and humilated me not to mention made me feel an uncomfortable third wheel during her visits he continued to do it, he even seemed to crank it up to the point that I wondered if he enjoyed it to an extent...some DH's like to think their wives/daughters are jealous and competing for their attention I think Sad

What finally started to change his behavior is I started leaving and hanging out with my friends and family on her weekends

I always made sure to spend enough time with her to let her know I was happy to see her, make sure she felt totally welcome, and then after making sure to emphasize how much I hoped she and her Dad had a great visit together, I would go spend the weekend elsewhere - and make sure to have a wonderful time

DH wouldn't hear from me until the Sunday night when I got home or on occasion I would go right from my friend's place to work on the Monday and DH woudn't see me at all until the beginning of the week

And I wasn't fall over backward happy to see him during the week either, not angry or upset, just happily distant and preoccupied when he of course, now that SD wasn't around, was all lovey and affentionate and wanting my attention

Eventually DH (and SD for that matter) were making it clear they wanted me there during those weekends (I think without me there cooking, cleaning, and facilitating everything for them to have a wonderful visit together they were bored on their own and had no one to put on the wonderful super close father/daughter act in front of haha) and DH started making an effort...SD not surprisingly wasn't so fine with me when not all attention wasn't on her every second of her weekend with us after that!

Over the years though DH got better at being able to treat both daughter and wife appropriately, and YSD got better and better and suppossedly just adores me now (that's a different post haha) 

OSD is now married with a family of her own but DH still suffers from major butt-kissing with her on visits and weekly phone calls, but he is way better at being a loving respectful husband to me at the same time which is great and makes it all a whole lot more tolerable 

Take some action with your DH and talk about how this is making you feel, and if that doesn't solve it then maybe give him a little taste of his own medicine - but make sure to do it cheerfully with no drama LOL 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Excellent advice.

Leave them to it. Be breezy and matter of fact about it, and make sure you're busy filling your life up with positive people and experiences on those weekends. Don't offer yourself up for mistreatment!

still learning's picture

they were bored on their own and had no one to put on the wonderful super close father/daughter act in front of haha) 

LOL!!! The whole scenerio made me laugh.  I mean who acts that way around their parent every minute of the day??? ss33 and DH did this when we first got together. It was always about how clooooose they were and "my father this..." and "my father that..."  He was over all the time and this show of how amazing their relationship was was constant. I disengaged for my own santity and left when I knew he was coming or took off as soon as I could on surprise drop in visits.  Funny that when I stopped paying attention the visits suddenly stopped.  They went back to the six month intervals where ss would show up and need money.  

Even more ironic is that DH now tells me that he has a hard time communicating with ss33. Gee, it wasn't hard at all when the two of you were using me as the buffer for your relationship (thoughts in my head never said).  

sammigirl's picture

My SD even put DH on her cell phone plan, so they could text, call, always stay in touch.   That was six years ago, he is still on the plan.

The only time DH hears from her is bad news, like if an old friend dies, or somebody has problems.  SD lives 3 hours away, thus now visits her disabled Dad approximately 3-4 time a year.  She is in town at least weekly to visit SGD35. 

All the "staying in touch", cell phone, accusing me of keeping her from spending time with DH was a show.  I disengaged six years ago from their relationship,  and she stopped contacting her Dad.  I had never interfered with her ever, they always had free rein.  It was a jealousy game.  When I wouldn't play, her Dad is no longer a part of her life, only out of obligation.

I gave up trying to understand the problems they have.  I walked away with no words thank goodness.

They will always have the bond, I understand all except the mini wife part.  SD acts as if she is DHs GF.  Yuk.

 

sammigirl's picture

I know this works!  Several times I have had other engagements planned.  SD is in town and decides to visit DH; she knows of my plans, through texting with her dad.  I keep my plans and let them have their visit.

My SD thought, the fact that she planned while I was away would upset me;  while, in fact, it gave me pleasure to know someone was here with DH while I was away enjoying my down time, from caring for DH.  

DH has a much better attitude, even now when she visits.  I don't play their game any longer.  I have no concerns with it all.  Our life has made many changes, this is just one of those changes.  

I have made my own life, which does not include their dysfunctional behavior.

All I know;  it is DH's loss.  I have moved on, he is still stuck in his past.  I love him for what it is.  Making it tolerable is my choice, not DH nor SD's.  I am enjoying my life.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I definitely do the same. If I were around, OSD and YSD would start talking about the glory days trying to upset me. When I removed myself, I could see them spinning their wheels because they had no way to get at me.

YSD has decreased her visits now that there is no drama when she visits. I save activities for when she is here - returning shoes to the store, going to see a friend. 

OSD finally graced DH with a phone call yesterday. She will answer the phone once every 6 months. I don't even like hearing his voice when he talks to her......it's just as fake and syrupy as she is and he has this fake laugh he puts on to validate the stupid things she is saying (she never asks about him, she just keeps talking about herself).   When I heard it yesterday I felt myself start to cringe then just went and took a shower!

sammigirl's picture

Our SDs are twin sisters...as are our DHs just alike. 

Ugh...it is so juvenile.

Rags's picture

Oh, the fake laugh.  I hate the fake laugh.   The women in my IL clan, including my wife, have this fake laugh that is like nails on a chalk board to me.   I love my DW's true laugh.  The fake one is nauseating.  The funny thing is that when she is around her mother and sister she recognizes it and does not do it.  It is kinda odd that she will do it occassionally when she is not with them.

Missingme's picture

Ah, yes, the "good old days tactic.  They love to pull out those cards any chance they get.  Totally understandable to do it once in a while, but it's far too often and as if there was no life at anytime after those days when their BM and BD were together.  When you step back from the anger it can cause, you have to feel sorry for SKs that they're that miserable.  

RisingtheWave80's picture

"think without me there cooking, cleaning, and facilitating everything for them to have a wonderful visit together they were bored on their own and had no one to put on the wonderful super close father/daughter act in front of haha"

THIS 100%. When SD visits if I wasn't around I am not sure what they would do, I have to engage them both in conversation otherwise they would sit there looking blankly at each other

sammigirl's picture

I also had discussions with DH.  At first he denied it happening.  I let the denials go.  Now we are better.  DH is much better at including me.  He also sees how SD treats me, now that we discussed their actions.

At times the conversations revert back to their past.  I do believe this is some of the reason SD visits less.  She is not the center of attention.

 

notsobad's picture

DH did this to me with both SD and SS when we first started dating.

No touching, no kissing, no hand holding, actually pulling away from me when they were around.

I spoke up because I'm like that. He said it was because he coached SS at HS bball and the coach, who is a good friend, implimented a no PDA rule for his players. For HS students it may or may not be a good thing, not something I was willing to get into but I pointed out to DH that neither He or I were in HS. He said he wanted to set a good example for the players.

So I agreed to no PDA at the games but that was it. When he wouldn't hold my hand as we drove somewhere I would point it out. When he wouldn't kiss me when the skids were around, I pointed it out.

At first he was really hesitant but we had a good long talk about it. He eventually said he didn't want the skids going home and telling BM that we were All Over Each Other. When I told him we were just a normal loving couple and that the skids should see a normal relationship for once he finally got it. BM was going to do/think/say whatever she wants. Nothing was/is going to change that. Why should I have to change my behaviour to accomdate her?

jam's picture

I had a similar problem with my dh when we first married. When his kids where around he would show me absolutely no affection but when they were not around he was very affectionate. Once I was standing at the kitchen sink and my dh came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me in bear hug fashion. My ss then came in the room and my dh let go and actually pushed away like some guy caught cheating. Another time my dh purchased me a ring. Although it wasn't terribly expensive it was very nice and I was so happy & felt very loved. I don't remember what the occasion was but what I do remember is later that same day my dh & I were sitting on the couch and my ss was sitting in a chair. We were watching a movie and I at one point briefly was admiring my ring. My ss then asks if I had gotten a new ring but before I could respond my dh quickly answered, "yeah but it's nothing special, just a cheap ring". Suddenly the joy I had when dh surprised me with it was totally gone. That statement really cut deep. Like I wasn't worth anything nice.

When I confronted my dh, he let me know that my ss had told him it made him uncomfortable to see his dad giving me any affection. The fact was my dh was afraid of his children.

My dh has three children. Two daughters and one son. We have not seen or talked with the msd in 12 years, we have not seen or heard from ss in about a year now. He is in and out. The first estrangement was a year and a half, the second was 3 years, and now I have lost track of how many times he has chosen to be out of our lives. When the ss married we were on one of the estrangements and not invited to the wedding. The ss changed his last name to his brides. We do have a relationship with the oldest sd but it has not been an easy one. Bottom line, my dh kids are very arrogant and I think it is his own fault. When kids are made to feel that everything is all about them it creates arrogance and self-centeredness and when you do not satisfy their emotions, their feelings, and their wants, they walk out of your live until you see the error of your ways (sarcasm intended)

Good Luck

CANYOUHELP's picture

My husband turns into a different man around his.....In fact, it is so bad I cannot watch it or be around it; it is that bad. I had no idea I married the man he turns into-- before I married him and he was quite good at hiding it until their claws came out after we bought a home together.  Then, it is like a bipolar personality disorder jumping into his body at the first expression of daddeeee, which need not be an eighteen syllable word. However, it works on his ego psycho...perfectly. 

I have accepted this is my norm and this is the real daddeee too, bipolar and all.  I stay away and it is peaceful; it would be wise to keep me away because I am not going to be a doormat to any sarcastic, rude human beings, regardless of who he is related or not related to.  Life is too short to be miserable and abused.

 

sammigirl's picture

I try very hard to be tolerant because my DH's adult kids come to visit,  due to DH's disability.  

I am civil, but never takes long to wish the visit ends.

CANYOUHELP's picture

My husband turns into a different man around his.....In fact, it is so bad I cannot watch it or be around it; it is that bad. I had no idea I married the man he turns into-- before I married him and he was quite good at hiding it until their claws came out after we bought a home together.  Then, it is like a bipolar personality disorder jumping into his body at the first expression of daddeeee, which need not be an eighteen syllable word. However, it works on his ego psycho...perfectly. 

I have accepted this is my norm and this is the real daddeee too, bipolar and all.  I stay away and it is peaceful; it would be wise to keep me away because I am not going to be a doormat to any sarcastic, rude human beings, regardless of whom he is related or not related to.  Life is too short to be miserable and abused.

 

MissTexas's picture

thin air.

This is what being under the spell of the "golden puss "pus**y control looks, feels and behaves like.

Divorced daddy guilt makes wimps of these "men." They'll do anything to prove their undying loyalty to thier mini-wives.

Of course when they leave, things are expected to pick right up without missing a beat. You are dubbed "wife" once again. Carry on as such.

There are not part-time marriages. You're either ALL IN, ALL THE TIME, or you're NOT.

sammigirl's picture

Everything I read here spells guilt.

Dads feel guilty for their family split.  They are afraid of losing the love of their children.  

My S.D. feels I have taken her dadeeee... away from her.  She doesn't accept that I have made her dad happy.  My DH knows she feels this way.  She has related to him, through her actions, he must make a choice.  Therefore, he doesn't dare show me affection in her presence.

So he feels guilty about betrayal.  We could have all been friends, leave the "family" scene out.  I thought we were for many years.  Then 7 years ago SD had a melt down and wrote me a 2 page hate email, telling me she always has been jealous and has always hated me.

UGH!  I am happy to be disengaged from their whinnying.

Olivia2020's picture

Yep, my (soon to be ex) DH would act these ways toward me around SD24 but it was worse, every day, when we got married and she was living with us...but I only stayed in the house he and I bought for only 45 days and left a few days ago. I didn't have other kids (my son is grown and on his own) or a long marriage like a lot of folks here so leaving was the most viable option to protect my sanity. Also I couldn't handle being snapped at by him (like you described), ignored, zero affection in front of her, and watching them in their own liitle world when she would emerge from her room to see daddeeeeee. Privately, I would talk to him about how I felt left out and like a third wheel around them and he became defensive of HER...of course...but it was him that wouldn't set the healthy boundaries (like he promised before we married). I explained that SD will do whatever she is allowed to do and being the queen bee in the house wasn't working for me. So while some folks can live with disengaging other folks have to leave the dysfunctional environment. Seems many DH's are not going to change for anyone (why should they, what they have is working for them), have very few if any boundaries with the SD, overindulge SD from guilt as a form of 'parenting' that ends up being entitelment to the SD and SD knowing DH's spine collapses and knees go weak when the SD is around. 

I hope you find your peace and know that we are here for ya! 

StepUltimate's picture

You are an inspiration. I hope you are doing well. 

sandye21's picture

Research has proven that when DHs have inappropriate emotional relationships with SDs, it creates problems when SD is choosing a life partner.  The degree of DH's influence will be passed onto the marriage, or her decision to marry at all.   Instead of searching for a normal relationship, all sorts of unnecessary garbage enters into the scenario, resulting in an unhealthy situation.  As discussed many times, a parent's main goal is to nurture a child into a responsible, mentally healthy adult.  A DH who fails to guide SD in her role from 'his little girl' to transitioning into the potential wife of another man is doing the young woman no favors.  Being 'Daddy's Little Girl' as an adult, she will not have the capacity to properly nuture her own children. 

I saw this in my own Mother.  I'm sure my Grandfather had good intentions but the effects of the relationship they had with each other has touched generations.

ldvilen's picture

Wisely said.  "The Lord...visits the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation. "

Olivia2020's picture

'Baby Girl' that is 24 yrs old and has a bf that is left out of the long hugs and intimate conversations with daddeeeee will NEVER live up to the unrealistic and unhealthy relationship that daddeeeee fostered with Baby Girl. I've seen it already. Poor young guy has no idea what he's in for with Baby Girl.