Need advice on upcoming marriage of SD33 in another state
Hi all it's been a long time since I posted on here. Well, one and only SD is going to be getting engaged here shortly, per her SO's call to DH asking permission to propose while they are in Hawaii on vacation. Here's the thing, and believe me I have done a lot of work through therapy and yes, prayer, to have a better and more loving and forgiving attitude towards SD. She has matured a lot and has a 6 year old from son's baby daddy (she has been dating and now living with the new SO for about 3 years now). Not trying to get ahead of things, but just need advice for how to handle the potential minefields that could await. If SD has her wedding in her hometown/state that is about 1,200 miles away from us. Her BM lives there as well. Naturally I want advice on dealing with BM (whom I have never met btw and never wanted to!) but also I want to put some boundaries around this highly awkward (for me) situation.
I am willing to go and put on my best, but I only want to be there for like 4-5 days max, which would include all the festivities. I also want to stay in a hotel or airbnb an not with SD. The challenge I face is that DH will want to make a long trip out of it and stay with SD, since he hasn't seen her or SGS in 3 years. Long story short, but SD hadn't made the effort to visit us since 2010, and that was paid for by my MIL when she was alive. (You see the $ connection right?). She never even came to her grandma's funeral because she would have had to pay out of her own pocket. I feel like I need to stick to boundaries above and if DH doesn't agree, then he goes alone. We are also retired now and on a fixed budget and would have to board 2 dogs. Cha-ching! I would actually prefer not going, but I honestly want to try and compromise. your thoughts please? Thanks!!
Go for just the wedding festivities
Go for just the wedding festivities and stay in a hotel. If DH wants to go earlier or stay later, he can do that and stay with SD when you are not there. Maybe you will get lucky and it will only be a rehearsal dinner and wedding and not a lot of other activities.
Not to be blunt but are you
Not to be blunt but are you sure you would be invited?
If you are then i would completely understand why dh would want to extend the visit, regardless of sd's penny pinching ways, she IS his dd and he hasnt spent much time with her or sgks either in last few years. So let him,doesnt mean you have to stay-use the dogs to excuse yourself and fly home solo or go to a lovely nearby spa, order room service,hog the tv, raid the mini bar, sleep star shaped -use excuse they (dh,sd,sgks) need quality bonding time.
I am pretty sure I would be expected and invited
to the wedding. She is not that outwardly unkind. Fake, check, Manipulative, check. But not dramatic or nasty. I guess I just have diengaged from her due to past issues that even making an effort is a struggle. Bonus issue and point of resentment is that at 13 she was supposed to be in our wedding and backed out, with the blessing of BM. Todate, she says she doesn't "remember" that at all. Really? Maybe I still have issues with that?
Thanks! Actually I'm hoping she will go to Vegas!
I would totally be on board for a bang bang wedding in neutral territory! But I have a feeling she will rethink her prior comments on something small and simple if she ever gets married.
5 days for a wedding?
5 days for a wedding?
I am team 2 days andget a hotel.
DH can stay a few days after the event.
I would generally not go to
I would generally not go to any events with the SDs, but a wedding would be the one exception - it is just such a hostile act not to attend. But I would just go for a couple of days, stay in an Air Bnb - DH can stay for more days if he wants, or go earlier, like Rags says.
We live about 3 hours from the nearest airport
so the challenge of going separately is real and costly. He has talked about driving up to visit her before, but that for me is a nonstarter. I totally agree with you but logistically it would be pretty costly to go separately.
Don't over think things. You
Don't over think things. You go for a couple of days, stay in a hotel then head out the day after the wedding - after all the dogs need taking care of (that's your excuse to head home asap). Your husband can stay with you if he wants at the hotel and if he wants to stay longer or shorter then he can.
Most weddings are not arranged overnight so you can save up and prepare for the expenses. It may cost some money but this is something that is important to your husband. Just make sure if he contributes to the wedding or wants to get them an expensive gift that it is within your means and he doesn't go overboard.
So your DuH thinks his newly
So your DuH thinks his newly wed daughter is going to want daddy there for an extended stay ROFLMAO! Ever heard of honeymoons? And if she's as mean with money as she seems, she is NOT going to want to put him up at her expense!
Aim for the weekend for yourself, get a friend to keep an eye on your dogs, and let your DuH look after himself.
Boarding two dogs to go see
Boarding two dogs to go see SD? No way. I'd stay home alone with the dogs. I don't care what my OSD was doing. My DH goes to see his princess and I stay home and scoop cat litter with a smile.
Your DH wants an extended vacation with his DD, while she is executing wedding plans. He's not thinking clearly and he's getting rose-colored glases that his little girl is getting married. The engagement has not even happened yet. So many unknowns, and you should remind him of that. They might elope; he might not be invited.
The max I would do is let him go out and grovel on his own, then you fly out separately for the wedding/reception, then fly home the next day.
Look great, smile, do not drink, be polite. If you get any shade thrown at you, just start laughing. That always gets them.
Stand your ground and boundaries
Go to the wedding and the few festivities the days before but insist on your own hotel room. Take the dogs with, you can find hotels that allow pets and use that as an excuse for hotel stay if needed. I doubt SD wants to dea with two dogs and two people staying with her right before her wedding.
Mid your DH wants to stay a few nights with SD let him, alone. Just kick back and enjoy a few days of relaxing while DH runs ragged for SD
DH staying with SD before
DH staying with SD before (and after!) the wedding is just nonsensical. Even if it's a small wedding, SD will be running around doing wedding things, and likely with BM. Think that through and he'll realize that he'll just be in the way.
Go for the wedding. Stay in a hotel or B&B two or three days. Then if HE wants to go back later for a visit and stay with her, he can do that himself.
I know, and no doubt I am jumping ahead
and hopefully she elopes! I just know my husband and how he always wants to stay a week or 10 days when he goes there. We shall see. I am going to stick to 4 days max and if that doesn't fly, I will tell him to go alone. Might have to fib to everyone as to why I am not there, but traveling separately is not an option due to cost/logistics.