It doesnt feel fair and it isn't.  I totally understand doing the heavy lifting and watching Mom get the glory for doing little or nothing.  I had that with my 3 SKs who we raised from elementary school age.  I think you have to look inside yourself for appreciation.  You know you're doing your best, you know (hopefully) that your DH realizes what you are doing.  

Looking at this from the other angle, my DH was the father figure for my 2 bios since my ex was a deadbeat dad.  It is the greatest show of love I ever received from anybody in my life.  It made us "deeper than dirt".

You're not a bad person for feeling like this, you're a normal human being in a difficult position that few understand.  The good news is that it's a temporary situation that will ease over time.   And, it's a situation that can deepen your bond with your DH.  Best wishes, Aurora, you're doing a good job.

Without putting her in a loyalty bind of choosing between the two of you, perhaps you could mention it.  That you're happy that she loves her Mom and its a good thing, but you would appreciate it if once in a while she would show her gratitude and love for you as well.  She doesn't realize she's taking you (and her father, whom she also didn't choose to honour) for granted, or that she's hurting the feelings of an adult.  Letting her know both of these things, without taking away from her mother makes her a more empathetic young lady and could be a good lesson in life.

Or it could put her in a stressful situation of having to choose WHO to honour, and trying to keep everyone happy all the time.  You'll have to be very careful with the messaging.  But I think it's worth doing.  If you teach her to value her whole family, and people's feelings now at 8 years old, the remaining 10 years might be a little smoother?

It must hurt to put so much of your time, resources and heart into her.. only to feel like you aren't as valued by her as someone you don't see stepping up in the same way.

I don't think it's uncommon for kids to yearn for what what they wish was the dynamic... mommy is the desire because mommy is less available.  By focusing these good things on mommy..  mommy will be a better mommy and love her more.

And.. it's a slippery slope to go down the "I do so much for the child, but she doesn't appreciate me road".  I want to be crystal clear when I say that parenting and caring for this child is her parent's responsibility.. when you do something parental for her.. care for her.. you are doing her PARENTS a favor.. you are helping them.. lightening their load.  so your SO should be overly appreciative and thankful that you are treating his daughter so well.. but while she may enjoy the good relationship you have.. she isn't mature to understand that you somehow want extra thanks for that from her. 

It's a tough place in stepland... and ultimately.. you need to maturely understand that your role in her life is almost entirely dependent on your relationship with her father.. you break up?  you will have no rights or obligations to this child.  She isn't your child.. she just is not.. not biologically.. not legally.  You can "love her as your own".. but in reality.. she is not your own.  That doesn't mean that having a caring relationship with her is not worthwhile.. but it's important to understand the limits of that relationship and not allow yourself to be hurt by ignoring them.

You may be doing a "better" job at momming.. but you lack the vital point of not BEING her mother... (or father).

It sounds like your SO has allowed you to step into the caregiver primary role in your household.. so it seems logical that she is aligning more with mommy than daddy.. 

I don't think there's anything wrong with your feelings.  They're yours, they're natural, and the way she's treating you relative to how you treat her hurts.  I get it.  But remember, what you do for her you are really doing for your husband.  It is HIS job to care for his daughter, and to pick up her mother's slack.  He appears to have placed a lot of that on you.  IMO children are entitled to care and attention from their parents.  If her mom doesn't step up, then her dad needs to.  If her dad pushes his responsibilities onto you, that's a favor you're doing for your DH, not for SD.

I had similar feelings, not because BM wasn't a good mom (she is), but because I was still playing the mom role half the time but could never compare to mom and dad.  As the SDs have gotten older and I've had my own DD, I've pulled back.  I still do most of the care and running them around on our time, but my emotional involvement and extra effort is much less.  My husband has not stepped up to pick up my slack, and the kids notice it and gravitate more toward mom's house.  That's OK with me.  Unfortunately that doesn't sound like a possibility in your case, but it might be time to try to force your husband to step up more.

My kids (17&15) do this with their father! I'm the one that does the heavy lifting but he gets the attention. I've learnt that it's because they know I love them unconditionally and will always be there to do it but they can't say the same about him. It's sucks but it helps to know it's because they are secure with me that it happens.

That will start to inject some clarity into the situation.  I am not saying to abandon your place in this blended family, however, when "ask your/her mom" becomes the default answer to any requests from SD or DH, clarity wil ensue.

When SD experiences the repeated clarity of disappointment in her mother, the value she sees in her relationship with you will invariably improve and it will become clear that YOU are the only REAL mom she has.  

I was the CSP and raised SS-30 with my DW from the time he was 2yo. I am dad, always have been, always will be. Our blended family situation was a long distance visitation schedule with a SpermClan without the resources or more accurately, the will or interst in SS, to participate.  SS knew his Spermidiot. He also grew up with the heart break of non participation from that dipshit, being an add on to the SpermClan as the Spermidiot added 3 younger also out of wedlock half sibs by two other baby mamas.  Then being the manipulation conduit used by SpermGrandHag to try to keep my bride under control.

As you have been for your SD, I was the dad at every school event, parent teacher conference, graduations, promotion ceremonies, etc, etc, etc... no one from the SpermClan ever showed up for any of it.    When he was 22 SS asked me to adopt him. We made that happen and got papers documented what had been absolute fact for nearly his entire life. I am dad. 

Stay the course, give clarity (SS was tuned to the facts at increasingly comprehensive lepvels from the late single digit ages on), and be her mom.  Kids are smart, they can figure it out. At least the ones who are worth a shit.

IMHO kids need the facts of the crap perpetrated by the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool so those toxic minpulators are mitigated as Unicorn parents and mitigated as risks to the adult outcome of CODs.  My son is the only success in any generation in the SpermClan.  His two yougest half sibs are either incarcerated felon convicts or being tried. Spermidiot spawn #2 is barely viable  as an adult and in saying that I am being generous.  SS is kicking ass.  His mom and I are very proud of him.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

I agree with Rags. "Ask your mom" or "what did your mom say" or "is your mom going to xyz" really puts it into perspective for them sometimes. Also a few things to consider:

1. If BM is truly a HCBM, the child may be praising BM and giving BM all the glory in order to save herself from BM. What would happen if BM found out the child chose to write the letter to you? or your DH? Is shes the type to mention it or guilt trip the child for doing that? Children learn very quickly what to talk/not talk about when they have a HC parent.

2. She is a younger child. They are self-centered by nature and don't understand how their lives just magically come together. They don't see all the moving parts or how much it takes out of us to make sure they are constantly provided for, and since you always make sure she has everything, she has nothing to compare it to that would put it in perspective what she has. 

3. Lastly, from your post and as is common for HC-parents to also play the role of "Friend" instead of "parent"; and you know how little girls are about their "besties". Disney parents that are seen more as friends but with money to blow and a good time to always be had. If this is the case, there unfortunately isn't much you can do about that. That's one of those "you reap what you sow" and BM will have to account for it when her child no longer respects her as an adult when they have a disagreement. 

Aurora, you are doing such a great job! Keep going. You are teaching a little sinful human what TRUE unconditional love is. You love when she doesn't deserve it. You fight for her. YOU are stability and support and consistency and reliability in her life. As an adult, she WILL remember what you contributed to her childhood and especially, HOW you made her feel. Give up the glory. Give up the credit. Keep sowing. Keep planting. Keep watering those healthy seeds that YOU are planting in her life. And even if you never get anything back...YA DID GOOD.

Your SD and DH are lucky to have you and your SD will come to realize this - but she has to do it on her own. Any pressure (no matter hiw slight) will derail things. My DH and I experienced something similar. My kids were 10 ans 12 when he came along. Their bio dad isn't a bad guy, but he put in very little effort as a parent. DH and I did all of the heavy lifting, with little acknowledgement, while bio-dad got accolades for doing the minimum. DH wasn't recognized on Father's Day for years, but ex's wife was recognized on Mother's Day (with my encouragement and prompting) even though she played a small role in their lives. At the time, I believed that my kids were caught in a loyalty bind. Loving and appreciating DH made them feel like they were slighting their dad, and threatened their belief that he was a "good dad". Now that they're young adults, they've been able to talk about it.  They've worked through their feelings about who their dad is and what he does and doesn't bring to their lives. They understand that he's a flawed human and that that isn't their fault and shouldn't be a reason to deprive themselves of a deeper parent-child relationship with DH. I truly believe that they got there because we gave them the space to do so. Hang in there. You're doing the right thing. 

Your feelings are totally valid. I felt the exact same way about SD13 before I disengaged. I was doing ALL the parenting. Even DHs workload. All I ever received from ANYONE was criticism. BM claiming I was taking her place (even thought she never stepped up) DH for not being "friendly enough" like pals with SD, and then from SD herself with the talking back, rudeness, taking for granted, and manipulating everything to her benefit. Everyone told me "she will realize one day" and to keep on trucking through. I just simply couldn't do it anymore. We don't interact much at all. And she has no relationship with our son (almost 3 y/o). I just focus my energy on him. Maybe SD will "realize" when she is older that all I was trying to do was help with raising her... but with high conflict BM that tries PAS., I highly doubt it. I'm finally okay with if that's how SD wants to view me, then that's okay, I have no control over it. I'm done trying to justify my actions. 

I care about behavior. Shit behavior returns instant consequences. If my mate will not step up and get it done before I have to, then my mate can have my back and I will take care of it. But it is addressed instantly if not sooner.

That is with kids. If an X is toxic, I go scorched Earth on thos POS people. That they are the Skids other parent, gives them no quarter. 

IMHO it is much easier to focus on behavior. That way there is no need to invest emotion or any level of give a shit about the choice made to behave contra to standards of behavior and standards of performance.

Shit happens. Everyone has shit to deal with periodically in their lives. Divorce, or a visitation schedule are not acceptable excuses for kids or an X to behave like assholes.  So, I don't tolerate it. Their choice to behave toxically is also their choice to experience the abject misery that their choice delivers.

IMHO of course.

Set the standards, enforce the standards, and do not waste any time or emotion on why the X or the kids do what they do.  This includes holding a spouse our standard of parenting and discipline. Since the kid and the X would not be doing what they do if our mate was effective in dealing with that crap.

And no, you are not a bad person for feeling as you do. 

Take care of you.

SP will never truly be a parent only in there mind.  Just ask any government organization.  Ask the school what's your rights ? Answer none.  The same as the babysitter.  Ask a hospital,  SORRY.  Better not, they can't talk to you.  But they can ask SD are you abusing her ?  Do they ask this about BM.  NO ... They can't talk to DD with out BAM being there.

Just the.  PTSD ... You support SK, Yoi pay for that medical insurance, that hospital is taking. And you are asked to leave the room .  

I have SD 9 and 11. I went through the motions of this also. I had a very traumatic childhood and was always with my father. Just as my SD's are always with us. BM does not have full custody they live and go to school here in our district I have helped raised them since SD's was 2 and 4. We went through moments and periods like this and I felt so hopeless so alone and no one to turn to that is when I came to these forums. I hope you get the affirmation and reassurance you need. 

First off hats off to you for being the step up parent, the solid rock and the soft place to land for your SD. I know it may not seem like it now but as long as you continue doing this in humility and love and not to seek approval from her... I promise you one day your heart will burst wide open because she will turn to you. 

I personally feel that your SD is looking for validation from her mother and longing for that bond she might have once knew with her or the one she so desperately craves/needs. While you are filling those voids... a Daughter will always cling to its mother... NOT ALWAYS but most often times they do. My mother was horrible to me, my father was always the parent, but I longed for a connection to her. I had Aunts who helped raise me and loved me and treated me as their very own but it was just not the same. I still to this day in adulthood run to my Aunt who helped me the most I have no real connection with my mother.. I love and respect her because she is my birthright... she helped give me life and got me here.. but thats it. 

I promise you this too will pass and eventually you and your SD will be closer knit. Please don't give up, its not going unnoticed!