Venting
My S/O is self employed as a carpet cleaner. He makes good money when the clients are calling but when they aren't he has a lot of down time. Instead of using this down time to try to find more business he spends it with his daughter (3) because she's not in school. When I first met him he had no plans of putting her in school because he didn't go to preschool so he didn't find it necessary for her to go. He has her fulltime and always has to scramble to fine someone to watch her when a client calls. He can't rely on BM because BM will only take their daughter if it suits her mood or schedule. There is no legal schedule put in place yet and I'm annoyed to find that when it comes time to set this schedule in court, he has no idea what he wants. He just knows he wants to keep having FSD 98% of the time. I have no problem with this (not that it would matter if I did) other than the fact that he won't (not can't) do anything as long as he has parental responsibilities.
Here's an example: I finally was able to talk him into the importance of school for her. Socializing her, learning academics and also getting a little independence and separation for BOTH of them. Enrollment for the school he has decided that he'll send his daughter to is this month. He has known this since around April. He's supposed to apply for free childcare and he has not done so. He can go at anytime because like I said, he only works when he has clients. He has absoluteltly nothing to do today and he's not going to go. You know why? Because he'd have to take his daughter with him. BM is supposed to be "picking" (she doesn't own a car or have a license her bf drives her everywhere) her up today at 3pm so he's going to wait until tomorrow. He always avoids going places if it means he can't leave her somewhere else because he's afraid she'll get bored and start whining. I think he should take her and TEACH her how to behave in situations that don't readily revolve around her or playtime. I know she's a child and I realize that children don't always behave but I think to avoid the situations all together is just stupid. Especially when it's FOR her. Also, he's only sending her to school parttime to start because "it's total culture shock to go one day from no school to school everyday". So I guess out of the hundreds upon thousands of parents who send their children to school fulltime for the first time everyday HE'S going to end up with the most well adjusted child because she was "eased into it". This drives me crazy because I know I have absolutely so say in the matter. All I can think about is how it effects his work and just his life in general because he uses his daughter as an excuse instead of fuel.
Thanks for reading. He doesn't understand my annoyance. "I told you I'm going tomorrow" he says. I just told him that I'll add it to my "Don't concern myself with" file but I wanted to vent somewhere where maybe someone understood my point.
Run for the hills now, while
Run for the hills now, while you can.
That little princess is only going to get worse and you'll be in for a lifetime of taking a backseat to not wanting to upset her.
AAAAMEN!! This is a dead
AAAAMEN!! This is a dead give away red flag: "There is no legal schedule put in place yet"
Guilty daddy in my case never insisted on a set schedule, which allowed the BM to change entitlement sessions, err I mean "parenting time" as she pleased either dumping all three off as much as possible unannounced or withholding for weeks to "punish" guilty daddy for trying to parent them.
RUN.FOR.THE.HILLS.NOW!!! NOW NOW NOW!! I've had almost ten years with guilty daddy who hasn't seen his kids in almost 4 years straight now (they're all under 18 even as we speak) Has ZERO communication with them or the BM, Ran into ALL KINDS of trouble with false CPS reports, the IRS, you name it that I bailed him out of and got ZERO appreciation for it to THIS DAY! He's also gotten violent with me and threatened me when I suggest we go our separate ways. He blames me for the PASout. GET.OUT.NOW!!!!!
He doesn't want anything from
He doesn't want anything from his ex. I've told him over and over that CS wouldn't be FOR HIM and it's nothing to do with dignity or pride or anything but for his kid but to no avail. I completely agree with you that he should be looking for more consistent work but he doesn't want to. He wants to go to real estate school so he can start doing that since he doesn't want to be doing carpet cleaning for the rest of his life. Instead of finding more steady work like a 9-5 while he goes to school too he's going to keep doing carpet cleaning because he doesn't want to send his daughter to daycare/school for 8 hours. He claims that her being at school parttime is going to be temporary but I've seen the way he eases her into things. It takes him forever! He finally has her sleeping in her own bed but she still uses a pacifier. The kid is 3 f***ing years old. Almost 4. He also still has to be in the room when she goes to sleep. "Let me deal with it one thing at a time" he says.
"I've told him over and over"
"I've told him over and over" HE'S NOT LISTENING TO YOU AND HE DOESN'T VALUE YOUR OPINION yet another RED FLAG!!!
Here's my checklist: (read it and weep)
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.
If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.
Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?
Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.
How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?
THESE MEN WANT THEIR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!!!
This should be its own post
This should be its own post pinned to the top of this website! It scares me...
"It scares me... " And so it
"It scares me... "
And so it should! Think of it as being held hostage and you have the opportunity to escape early on or wait Wait WAIT thinking it will "get better" (TM)hint: it never does; until Stockholm Syndrome sets in.
I think you posted this same
I think you posted this same set of issues some months ago, and I guess you have made no progress since then in seeing that the situation is not going to change, and this guy is a lazy loser who (I believe you said) still lives with his parents (as do you). I recall your saying that you drive a long distance to see him on the weekends and often your plans are overruled by issues with the child. Wake up, sweetie, and date some real men with actual jobs and homes of their own. If you have to get into a step situation, at least do it with someone who won't expect you to support him.
"at least do it with someone
"at least do it with someone who won't expect you to support him"
Exactly! And beware the man who wants to move in with you that has outrageous CS obligations. You'll be supporting this guy for an eternity!