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50/50 Custody/daily transition

blended4213's picture

Does anyone else have the kids daily for part of the day? I think we have the strangest custody agreement. I guess it is good in that I have a break every day for part of the day from the stepkids. I don't think I could handle full time. But the daily transitions and back and forth from one parent to the next is a lot. When the kids get dropped off here they are even more hyper and acting up and it takes them a while to get used to things. It disrupts my kids and I too, as selfish as that sounds. Like if it's almost bedtime and we are watching a movie, I feel like we need to finish up or the stepkids will start watching and start talking and ruin it. So I try to get them and myself to bed before they get home. Or if they are dropped off in the morning and I just woke up, it stresses me out so I try to get up early and have my coffee then hide. I don't know any tips for this. DH and BM are not planning on changing this custody schedule but I think it is kind of selfish on their part because they just want to see the kids. I don't like the back and forth and am trying to get used to it still. 

JRI's picture

I'm a 75- year old BM & SM of 5 so I am not up on the current custody plans.  But i truly understand your transition issues.  My 3 SKs arrived every Friday and it was so difficult.  They weren't bad kids, but it was so tumultuous.  Things would quiet down after a day but we'd start all over the next weekend.  Years later, i heard the same was happening at BM's house.  I just can't imagine if this were a daily event, like you have.  Wow.  No suggestions, just tremendous empathy.

ladybug3's picture

I thought our custody arrangement was bad. Splitting the days is insane and I can't believe any judge signed off on that. SS is with us every Tuesday and then every other Thursday - Monday. That lone Tuesday is disruptive to our schedule and his as well I'm sure. I can't imagine how hard it must be on the kids to switch households every single day.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Jesus, that sounds horrible. Who decides when they come and go? Is it at the same time daily, or does it vary? I completely understand your feelings. Each transition is stressful, with an opportunity for contact and drama, and the feeling of having no control over who comes and goes from the house is horrible. IMO this is selfish on the part of the bioparents and keeping the kids constantly moving is probably hard for them. 

Rags's picture

This is just insane.  Time for a change to EOW.  50/50 does not mean half of every day. At least for people whose life extends beyond a codependent toxic connection between Xs and a way too kid centric existance.

halo1998's picture

plan.  I did one week on/one week off.  We had what we called "decompression day"..the day of transition where the kids acted up etc till they settled down.   DH in the beginning had every other day..the skids never knew if they were coming or going.  I couldn't imagine every day.  How can you establish a schedule and routine with the kids if they change all the time.  Eventually DH went to court and got one week on/one week off.  Also minimizes the amount of intereaction with the exes...

blended4213's picture

Writing that last post makes me realize I am having a hard time accepting my stepkids. Does anyone else feel this way? I did have good intentions in the beginning but have begun to have negative feelings towards them for so many reasons I won’t get into now, and yes I’m working with a counselor. It feels so much better when it’s just my kids, DH, and I, and the minute his kids arrive my level of stress goes from zero to 100. It is good to partly vent but I really want to fix this!

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Is it them, or the situation you can't accept? I think if the situation changes, your acceptance will grow. The constant disruptions in your schedule are not their fault. Even behavior issues that result from Disney parenting are not their fault. The bioparents created this. It's them (their actions) you shouldn't accept. Figure out what it would take for you to be ok with the situation and work toward that, with your husband. If he doesn't help, he is the problem, not the kids. 

Rags's picture

Many of us have had these feelings.  Accepting the progeny of someone else is IMHO not a natural behavior for most mamals.  Humans being mamalian, it is not unnatural for a step kid to fall into the category of intollerable at a base level for a SParent.

I struggled with this myself early in the relationtionship between my wife and I.  Fortuneatly humans also have intellect and can make decisions including to accept the offspring of a spouse that we are not related to biologically.  It became clear fairly early in our dating that my DW was my life partner.  Fortuneatly my DW agreed with me.  I knew to have the life that we both wanted that my SS would need his mom and I to be his foundation and that to give her, SS and myself the life I wanted for us that I would have to accept and raise him as my own.

So, we became the three musketeers.  

What worked for me and for us was for me to be all in as not only my bride's usband but also as my SS-27's dad.  I had to make some fundamental changes and step up as his dad. So that is what I did.

If I had not stepped up I would have failed my wife, our son and myself.

I have no regrets. In fact, I celebrate the life we have had and continue to have as the three musketeers.  SS-27 is a man of character and standing in his life, career and community.  His mom and I are proud of him.

5 years ago he aske me to adopt him.  We made that happen.

 

 

JRI's picture

I, like you, struggled to accept my SKs.  The transitions were so hard and i only had that weekly, not daily, like you.  I got more and more depressed, between the transitions, mini-wife, BM, Disney dad and sheer numbers (5 kids all within 6 years of age).  Going to counseling helped so much.  The 3 big takeaways were: engagement, assertiveness and more one-on-one time with DH.  I now realize that much of my resentment was really resentment of BM for being such a pos as to dump her kids and DH for expecting me to accept them.  Our situation started to improve gradually as I engaged more then improved substantially when they all came to live with us, ie, no transitions.  Is thete any chance your custody agreement could be amended?  Maybe BM has  a similar situation?

blended4213's picture

That is very helpful! BM is horrible and probably causes most of the issues. I can’t see her agreeing to change the agreement, but am so glad counseling helped you and maybe there is hope for my situation.

I have very similar situation also with Disney dad, a lot of kids (7 total and fairly young) and tons of resentment. It does help me to talk with a counselor just to sort out all the feelings from stress and overwhelm.

Thumper's picture

What possible reason could dh and his ex offer to justify this mess. I have to ask, does dh pay child support too?

 

blended4213's picture

Thankfully I talked him into changing this so no child support, but yes, in the beginning he did pay her so I’m very glad this has changed.

Oldrosie's picture

I harmoniously co-parent my BD with my ex 50/50

that transition doesn't sound good for anyone.

We found one week off and one week on was too long without seeing our daughter and her seeing each of us.

so we've settle on this routine.

parent 1 Monday/Tuesday 

parent 2 Wednesday/Thursday 

alternatating Friday/Saturdays/Sunday (and night) 

this means she's with us for about 4/5 days or 2 days 

It works really well for us