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Am I a jerk or a genius?? Lol!!

Biostep7777's picture

I posted a whole back about my SS having a fit because I took my kids to the beach for the weekend for my daughter's birthday and he wasn't coming. The reason being is because he had sports that weekend so already had his commitments. DH explained to him that sports is his priority so dad is taking him and traveling is my and my kids priority so that's what we are going to do. We shouldn't have to not go do the things we enjoy because of his commitments plus their mother causes such drama over the sports and states they are more important to them than anything (which is bull! It's more important to HER than anything and they know to please mommy dearest) so we are giving them what they want. 

So, my other daughter's birthday is this month and we are going on another girl trip. I also booked a cabin for spring break and we have had plans for Disney since we had to cancel last time because of Covid in the summer (they are not coming because they claimed to hate it when we took them a couple years ago after we got back and they went back to mom. They had the most amazing time and loved it but they know mom disapproved so they said they didn't really like it after all) Well we are huge Disney fans so guess what? BYE! I have HAD IT. We love to travel. I work and I save and this is what I want to spend my money on. My kids get a lot out of these trips and I LOVE that they have the travel bug like me and it's a wonderful bonding experience for us. I WILL NOT let them miss out because SS's want to play sports all weekend. If that's what they choose? FINE! But no way in hell are we going to sit at home and not do anything because of their choices. DH is completely supportive and says go have a great time! I can only imagine the uproar this is going to cause but I do.not.care. I will not sacrifice myself and my kids for ungrateful children. They think they should have it all and we shouldn't go if they can't. Ummmm no. I'm so excited for out little adventures and I can't explain how good it feels to disengage, let DH handle their outburst and to go enjoy time with my kids! Freeing! 

Biostep7777's picture

Yep. We are not going to miss out on things because they made something else their priority. That's what they choose to do. Dad is responsible for them and I'm responsible for my kids and their interests. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Your kids shouldn't have to miss out on Thier childhood because of decisions your SKs BM makes.

DS has always gone places and done things with me. It wouldn't be fair for his life to change because of SKs. I also enjoy going places and doing things. I work hard and like to play hard. I am not giving that up because of someone else's children and their parenting choices. 

tog redux's picture

Yes! Now you are getting the hang of it. Good for you. You don't have to miss out because DH spawned with a crazy person.  Also, be sure that you and he take trips with NO kids so you get your time together.  This is how you don't let BM ruin everything for you.

shellpell's picture

I never understood SMs who made their kids (whether half or step sibs to skids) wait until skids are there to do fun stuff! I never have and I never will. It teaches your kids that skids are more important and that life has to wait for them. No way no how. We have limited time on this earth. I intend to help my kids enjoy their childhoods.

lunamaze's picture

Put yourself in her shoes. Come at an angle as if DH's kid is your own. It's not that deep. 

LBS714's picture

I do the same. I have 2 girls and I am all they've got (bio-dad ain't in the picture), and my DH has an ungrateful spoiled demon child for a son who I LOATHE. I also take my girls on trips, beach days, without the son bc why should my girls miss out if he goes to his bio-mom's house or has a trip with them?? I 100% support this! 

Zenmode's picture

I can only imagine what it would have been like if DH and I had co-parented his kids. The oldest SS 40 something years old has repeatedly shown how resentful he is of things I do with my OWN grown children! I've  since blocked him and his wife on my social media because I think they were using it to keep track! LOL

Rags's picture

Bravo and well played.  Kids choices to join in the bullshit of a PASing parent in the blended family oppsostion should be met with consequences.  Their playing both sides of the blended family equation should return consequences. They may get the reward of BM praising their joining of her PASing bullshit, but that costs them the joy and benefits of enjoyable activities with your family.

Well played.

Clapping

Enjoy disecting the crap that BM is building and give the SKids clarity that their choice to cater to BM's crap will have the conseuence of not participating in enjoyable family events with Dad's side of the blended family equation.

Stick to your guns.

Diablo

BioM4SM4's picture

When my Hubby and I blended 7 kids 8 years ago we made it clear to each set of kids that life isn't "fair". There ARE going to be different priorities, gifts, and events that do not match up for both sets.

We encouraged all of the kids to participate in whatever they were offered, and requested that they work on being happy for things that the other kids got to do that weren't available to them. 

Mostly it has gone well. I do think that if you explain your position to all involved with kindness as the intention, and expect the adults and children to act respectful of your needs to continue to behave normally as a parent to your child, the parties can adapt. Be honest with them as well.

I would never have been able to stop being the parent my kids had gotten used to to gain a marriage and step kids. I would have been cheating them out of the promise I made when I began raising them.

Stay true to who you intend to be to your children, and offer what love you can to your step children. But you are human. There can be limits. 

bananaseedo's picture

This is good!  Keep on living your life.  I recall SD and my in-laws getting all upset the couple of times I travelled with my bios and dh w/out her.  SD would take trips all the time with her friends, her bm, and my kids would get that one trip and they would get pissy she wasn't included.   Like how many trips does she deserve?  

I had 3 vac w/her over the years- one when they were small (she was 9), the other they were teens, a couple camping trips.  Every one with her was absolute HELLLLLLL so I wasn't about to feel any guilt for the couple times I just when with DH and my bios.