Are you a new stepmom? Here's my advice... (LONG post)

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For background, I was a custodial SM for three years to my ex-husband's three children (two girls and a boy, all under the age of 10). BM gave up custody for a while, saying she "couldn't handle it," so we had them full-time. I had no children at that point and had NO idea what I was getting into, truthfully. I was young and kinda naive.

I went into it whole-heartedly, thinking that I could make a real difference in these kids' lives. Their mom had basically abandoned them, and they needed someone to help take care of them. My husband (at the time) said he was on board, we were going to raise these children together, split all the chores and work, blah blah blah.

RIGHT.

We got full custody of them the summer of 2003. Then fall rolled around, and on the first morning of school, my ex said he was really sleepy and needed to get a little more sleep before getting up to go to work. (I worked, too, by the way, and had a 120-mile round-trip to work five days a week. His work was less than five minutes away.)

I said, "No problem! You go back to sleep for a bit. I'll get the kids up."

He said "Thanks baby," and rolled over and went back to sleep.

So I had the glorious task of prodding three very unhappy kids out of bed, getting them dressed, making breakfast, making sure they had everything they needed for school, etc. The ex comes strolling into the kitchen about two minutes before they had to leave for school. He thanked me for "being a trooper" and getting the kids up and ready to go.

Next morning, the little darling ex was sleepy yet again. Needed more snooze time. Again I was stupid enough to say "Don't worry about it; I'll handle it." Back to sleep he went. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The next morning, he said it again. I told him it wasn't fair that he got an extra hour of sleep. I was tired, too. He went off! "YOU need to help out and do YOUR fair share!" he said...And then went back to sleep.

I was so pissed off, but the kids had to get up and get ready for school, so I did it again.

This went on for weeks. WEEKS. I bit my tongue and didn't say much, but I resented the hell out of what this situation had become. It went over into dinner time, too. After driving 60 miles home (about an hour and 15 minutes with traffic every day), I had to come home to a trashed house, no dinner cooked, dirty dishes everywhere, and my ex and skids lounging around watching TV, wanting to know what was for dinner. NOBODY helped me cook or clean up afterwards. It all fell on me every single day.

It took a long time for me to wake up and realize that I was nothing more than a glorified maid and babysitter. If the ex wanted to take off for the weekend, he didn't give it a second thought. He just left me in charge of those unruly brats until he graced me with his presence again a couple days later. But if I wanted to go anywhere by myself? Oh HELL no!! Not allowed, honey!

Finally, FINALLY I got the guts to leave his ungrateful ass. He ended up giving the kids back to their BM and has had almost no contact with them since then. That was about eight years ago.

Fast-forward to today.

I'm remarried with two sons of my own, to a man who has three sons.

The first morning of school after we were married, I got up at 6:00am to get my kids up. My DH mumbled something about needing a little more sleep. Talk about deja vu! I just said "All right, honey!"

He comes downstairs about an hour later and sees my kids sitting at the table eating breakfast.

"Where are my boys?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said.

"Have they had breakfast?"

"Don't know."

"Are they dressed?"

*I shrug*

"Are they even up yet?"

"Don't know," I said.

Needless to say, he really had to step & fetch to get his kids out the door in time to get them to school that morning!

You know what, though? That shit NEVER happened again!

Long story short, if you're not willing to do a task forever involving your skids, don't EVER start doing it. You'll end up doing that, and more, for the rest of your marriage, and you WILL resent the hell out of it!

I'm not saying all bio-dads will take advantage of you, or will expect you to do all these things for their kids, but they will have no problem expecting you to continue doing it if you ever once start. SO JUST DON'T!

I'm going to use this

I'm going to use this advice!! Thank you!!

I didn't know it the first

I didn't know it the first time around, but having been a SM previously, I learned a lot of things that have helped me survive being a SM again. The only problem is, my three stepsons are more unruly, disrespectful, and slovenly than the previous three. I didn't know this before my DH and I got married. (We lived separately until after the wedding, and then I sold my house and moved in with him.)

We have the skids every other week, and I know better than to EVER do anything for them that I'm not willing to do for the rest of their childhood. I've caught myself several times, just before volunteering to do something, and I stop. Do I really want to help tuck those three in bed every night? God, it already takes DH about an hour and a half to get them in bed every night. (Mine? 20 minutes and done. That's what they're used to.) I damn sure don't want to prolong the process!

I know my DH probably thinks I'm a bitch sometimes, but I do it out of a sense of self-preservation. He doesn't understand, but I can't really help that.

Lol love this! And I'm a

Lol love this! And I'm a little bit in love with you for how you handled your second husband LOL!

I really want this marriage

I really want this marriage to work, so if I have to "be a bitch" (i.e., look out for my own self) sometimes, then so be it.

Better to stop it before it starts than to see your marriage fall apart from the bitterness and resentment that comes from continuing to do it. Whatever it is.

Remember, you are NOT their maid, you are NOT their babysitter, and you are NOT their slave!

If you have kids of your own (which I do), make sure to always make time for them! You wouldn't believe how easy it is to begin neglecting your own children just to satisfy the selfish and stupid whims of your skids. I've caught myself doing it several times in the six months I've been married, and I make a concerted effort to put MY kids' needs over my skids.

I make sure my skids are fed, cared for, and show them courtesy, but dammit, MY kids matter, too!

When a skid barges into my bedroom at 5:00am on a Saturday demanding pancakes, my DH knows better than to even THINK about looking at me to fire up the griddle! Hell no!

I got taken advantage

I got taken advantage of....he started up a business in another country. He started leaving me home alone with his kids 2-3 weeks at a time 4-5 times out of the year. No longer together.....

Yikes, ubrngout! I'd have

Yikes, ubrngout! I'd have run like hell from that situation, too! Sounds like he was just looking for an economical nanny!

I was an idiot!!! I did

I was an idiot!!! I did everything for those kids. When I say everything I mean everything!!!!!!! Trying hard not to be bitter about it. Work in progress.

I was the "super stepmom" to

I was the "super stepmom" to my first batch of skids, too. I took them places, went to all their school functions, cooked special meals for them, bought all their clothes and shoes, took them to doctor's appointments, stayed home from work with them when they were sick. One day, though, I realized how unbalanced everything was. These were my ex's kids, but he was doing almost NOTHING to help raise them.

It was like a revelation, a glorious light from Heaven shining down on me and saying "Damn baby, cut it out already!"

So I did. It was wonderful. The most wonderful decision I made until the day I finally had had enough and divorced that loser.

I believe that the need for a

I believe that the need for a nanny and sex partner drives most men into a second marriage if she won't settle for shacking up.

Not to put too fine a point

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I believe you're right. A lot of bio-dads realize for the first time how much menial labor is involved in raising kids, and they have no interest in dealing with it. Perfect solution (in theory)...just get married again!

Unless you marry a woman like me, who's already spent some time in the SM trenches, and won't fall for that shit anymore. Then, I guess, you're screwed.

You know what, though? It's

You know what, though? It's never too late to change it! Realizing the situation you're in, I think, is half the battle. Being able to step back and look at it objectively is the beginning of something wonderful, if you see it for what it really is.

Just stop. Only stop doing one thing, if that's more comfortable. Are you always keeping up with the neverending piles of laundry? Stop. Are you constantly picking up toys and cleaning up messes? Stop! Try to discuss it with your partner/spouse if you can, and let them know that you're no longer the only person responsible for these tasks, and then just...STOP!

I'm a neat freak by nature, but my skids would be happy rolling around in a pigsty if you let them. They're the filthiest slobs I've ever seen. I try to remember that it's not really their fault - their BM is the same way - but that doesn't mean that it's now my responsibility to clean up all their damn messes. It's hard, but I've learned to just step over piles of dirty clothes (that literally get left in EVERY room of the house), I ignore the trashed toy room, and I certainly don't feel guilty for not tidying up behind them anymore. Eventually DH gets sick of the mess and gets on to them about it. Sometimes they listen and clean up, but most of the time they don't, and he ends up having to do it. Either way, NOT MY PROBLEM!

That's where I'm lucky. My

That's where I'm lucky. My DH is as much of a neat freak as I am, and he can't stand a messy house. The BM was (and still is) a total slob. DH took pictures of the house while she was living there alone with the skids after their divorce. She'd literally just open the back door and pitch bags of garbage out on the patio. It took him an entire day (sunup to sundown) to clean up all the garbage and busted trash bags up out of the back yard (and the woods behind the house) when he moved back in after she moved out! He counted something like 60 bags of trash (some intact, some not) in the back yard, some looking like they'd been there for months.

He hated living that way and doesn't want to see his house get trashed again, so once I stopped cleaning up after his lazy ass precious snowflakes - and he got to see just how messy they truly are - he finally started trying (at least halfway) to get them to pick up after themselves. He doesn't follow through, though, and enforce any sort of rules or consequences. Most of the time they just blow it off when he tells them to clean up, and he ends up having to do the cleaning himself.

I take care of making sure my own kids are neat and don't leave crap all over the house, and it is NOT my job to make sure the skids do the same. If I tried to make them do anything, I'd just be more of a wicked stepmother than I already am. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, so I just don't even get involved in that nightmare.

But yeah, I realize how lucky I am that my DH is actually bothered by a messy house! If he weren't, we'd probably already have separated by now!