Blended Family Gatherings
Hi all! I am new here and in desperate need of advice. I am a single mom of two boys (one adult and one tween) and my SO is single dad to two girls (teen and tween). We have just started blending our families and things on that front are going fairly well. The kids are very different and have different interests, but they are all respectful of one another and have found ways to connect. We are very lucky!!
My kids' dad met my SO prior to introducing to the kids and all is friendly between the two. We have done a joint birthday party for one son and dad has no issue with my SO attending scout and sports activities for our son. However, we don't "hang out" or have family dinners or anything. We keep things separate but friendly.
At least one of my SO's daughters would like a more blended family with events including her mother and her mother's new BF, kid and ex-wife. She is very vocal and doesn't understand why the request is awkward or difficult for her dad and I. BM trashes my SO to her friends and we live in the same community. She is very rude, disparaging and does not respect boundaries. I don't think what SD wishes is actually possible. How do I suck it up and suffer through these "family" events? Help please!
She doesn't call the shots.
She doesn't call the shots. Just have your SO tell her no, that's not possible.
That child is just delusional
That child is just delusional (seriously? The new bf's ex-wife? On what planet does this child live?!). The answer is a simple "no". No discussion, explanation, or negotiation necessary.
Welcome to the site!
Yep, seriously delusional. A big NO.
Woah, I've heard of these
Woah, I've heard of these situations but never seen one myself lol imagine you go and the web that ensues - you're at your bfs ex wife's house where her bf is there along with his ex wife and her new bf. You'd just have to invite your ex husband and his new gf and that gfs ex husband and new gf to complete it all. That's so confusing that.... just no....
BM's opinion
Back in the day, I hated the sight of BM but would be polite if I had to see her at a kid function, she did the same. SD always had the fantasy "everybody gets along" when that wasn't really the true situation. Flash forward years later and BM remarried to Clueless. My DH , the original Mr. Charm, always maintained a friendly attitude toward Clueless. Once, after some kid event, as we were leaving, Clueless said, " We ought to all get together sometime and go out". Before anybody could say a word, BM burst out, " Oh, God, no!" Lol.
Your BM might feel the same.
You don't "suck it up" and
You don't "suck it up" and endure these family events. Your SO needs to tell his daughter that it won't happen. No explanation necessary.
I do NOT understand why parents find it so hard to tell their kids NO. It won't be the first or the last time that this girl doesn't get exactly what her heart desires. It's a growing up experience to learn to deal with disappointment. Allow her that experience.
Definately don't invite BM
Definately don't invite BM and her entourage if you don't want them there.
I would tell SD that you and her mother are not friends and so you will not be doing things together. If she compares the situation to you and your ex's, I would just say that sometimes when relationships breakdown people stay friends and sometimes they don't.
Thanks all!
I appreciate so much the support and feedback. I should say that we have been effective in curbing visits from BM and explaining why she's not invited to cookouts and such that we host. This next event is specifically for SD15's events (her birthday and school celebrations) that are being hosted at BM's. She is asking for us to attend (including my sons).
I'm the only one who is saying no. BM extended the invitation (although I suspect she prefers not). My SO would like to comply, but says he will support whatever I choose. He does not want to attend without me. I'm afraid with everyone else willing, I'm the one who looks petty and childish. But as this is the beginning of us working out these arrangements, I'm not thrilled about the precedent setting. Why can't we just host our own celebrations and go our separate ways? Ugh.
I assure you that you won't
I assure you that you won't look either petty or childish just because you choose not to fraternize with bm. Holding separate events is not only acceptable, I'd say it's pretty much the norm for many people. Don't allow yourself to be bullied or guilted into doing things you don't want to. Like you said, consider that this might set a precedent...
I think it really depends on
I think it really depends on what this means: "BM trashes my SO to her friends and we live in the same community. She is very rude, disparaging and does not respect boundaries."
There is no way that DH and I would do anything at BM's because she's been horrible to DH, successfully alienated SS from us for years, cost DH tens of thousands in court costs, etc. But if she weren't that bad, and I had a good relationship with SS, I'd consider doing occasional events with BM, like you do with your ex.
You don't suck it up.
The naive SKid does not dictate your blended family dynamics so don't allow her to dictate them.
No BM involvement beyond what you and your SO agree on. Skids, regardless of their biological flavor, get no say in the leadership of the blended family nor in the level of engagement between the halves of the blended family opposition equation.
Since this Skid is completely clueless, explain in great detail why there will not be the yours, mine, the X, their new partner, their new partner's X, etc... blending. Explain that BM is toxic, nasty, and full of vitriolic crap. Provide comprehensive specific examples, and lather, rinse, repeat until this clueliss Skid gets it or ... drops it for good.
Good luck.
My youngest step is like this
My youngest step is like this. She's extremely loving a wants everyone to get along. Maybe the adults could be willing to go to a movie with the kids? It's an event that limits as much interaction as possible. I totally understand why you would never want to do anything like this. We tried it and the ex completely ignored me. It may suck but it might open her eyes to how they treat you and your SO.
Update
Thanks all for your advice and support. In the end, we went to a restaurant (I felt it was crazy with COVID, but preferred over the Ex's home). I went to support my SO but didn't make my own kids attend. There were a couple of very uncomfortable moments, but it went ok in general.
However, I'm still concerned we have set a precedent that I am uncomfortable with and a bigger talk is now on the horizon. We were all set to put my house on the market and buy a larger one to merge families and then get married and now I think we need to put it all on hold until we can agree on what that blended family life will look like. Not giving up on SO, but not so sure about blending families.
BM tried this!
BM tried to convince us we were one big happy family now , not two separate ones. The only thing I was firm on when we married was this was a big hell no. Divorce means divorce, things change, it's the price she paid. She has her parties we have ours. I think she got the point when MY kids awkwardly accepted Christmas pj's from this woman they had never even met. They were even adults by then!