I'm not even sure where to begin. I've been lurking around the boards for a few days now. And I guess I'm not going to vent anything I haven't already read identical vents from some of you.

We are engaged so for ease of reading I'll refer to him as dh. I have 3 daughters, 7, 11, 12, and he has a son, 13, and a daughter, 7. My kids' bf is not in the picture. His kids live with their bm and are with us for 2 wks in fall and spring and 9 wks in the summer.

We've had a couple pretty big fights in the last year. But nothing we don't work thru and grow stronger. For the most part we have a very strong, very healthy relationship.

Then his kids are here. And I question if we're gonna work out. Wonder if all my bending, twisting and turning may just be avoiding the inevitable. I wonder if we'll ever get along.

There seems to be an awful lot of whose kids did what worse than whose kids. For example. Awhile back he took 12 and 13 yo's dsi's away. The next day they asked me if they could have them back and mistakenly I said yes. Realized too late I didn't take them away so I shouldn't have given them back. Told him I did it and I will take them back from the kids and they'll have to talk to him about it. He said no, he'd let them keep them.

So the other day I asked his 7 yo to put her shoes up. She walks thru the door and steps out of them and just keeps walking. It wouldn't be so bad if she'd put them in the corner or up against the wall but she just steps out of them and in the middle of the floor they sit!!! So after a hundred times of asking her to put them away and being either ignored or being responded to with "I'm gonna wear them in a minute" I threw them away (which is what I've always done with my kids too). She pulls them out of the trash!

I tell him about what she did and that I would never ever let my kids do something like that to disrespect him. He went back to when my 12 yo asked me for her dsi back and I gave it to her even though he took it away.

His 13 yo told my 12 yo she was too inappropriate to be with his 7 yo. His 13 yo told her she was a bad influence and should stay away from 7 yo. His 13 yo called my 12 yo a stupid blonde. All my kids take a multivitamin at night. 12 yo has RLS and fish oil seems to help so she takes that. My 7 yo is ADHD so she takes one Rx and Melatonin (herbal sleep aid). His 13 yo told my 12 yo we were nothing but pill popping drug heads who solve all our problems with medicine.

At that point I lost it. I stormed into 13 yo's room and asked him who the hell did he think he was talking like that to someone. That 4 days in a row 12 yo has come to me, upset to tears, becuz of things he was saying to her.

Long story short, I laid into the boy. Red faced, top of my voice, highly highly ticked off laid into him. He was not going to simply get a slap on the wrist again. Well, dh made me leave the room. Cut me off, stopped me, kicked me out.

The next day, when dh and I were able to have a half ass conversation, he told me I was wrong for what I did. I shouldn't have laid into him like I did, I made him feel like he was an inch big and all he was doing was protecting his sister. I asked how. Apparently my 3 kids were trying to convince his 7 yo that she is a big girl, she doesn't need a lamp on in her room at night (7 yo's share a room, my kids were never allowed a light so they cannot sleep if the room is lit up). So I guess his 13 yo took my kids encouragement as attacking his 7 yo and making her feel like she was just a baby and he felt if they were being mean so was he going to be. In the end, he was told not to do it again.

Now this wasn't the first issue with his mouth either. Last spring he told dh that he called his bm becuz my 7 yo was being innapropriate and a bad influence around his 7 yo and he didn't think they should be around it. In the end of the "investigation" apparently 12 yo and 13 yo were having a conversation about sexual preferences, 13 yo says "I'm a lesbian cuz I like girls". My 7 yo overheard this and ran into the house saying what she had heard. And 13 yo hadn't even called his bm. I guess he was having this same talk with a friend at home, bm overheard and said it wasn't a conversation 7 yo needed to be around. So he didn't call bm after what my 7 yo did, he just knew she wouldn't approve becuz he'd already been yelled at for it at home. In the end, he was told not to do it again and they went their ways.

My kids are far from perfect. My 12 yo is a brat. She'll quickly speak her mind, often rolls her eyes and smacks her tongue. She pushes the line, but rarely crosses it. My 11 yo is pretty quiet. But she tends to half of a whole job on things. She'll do the dishes, for example, but not wash the cupboards. My 7 yo is a handful. Doc put her on vyvanse for the adhd but she was a zombie so we took her off. They're not perfect and they push their limits. But they know there are consequences to certain actions and behaviors and they watch it. I don't just slap them on the wrist.

He says we have the same goal in mind, and I think deep down we do. We just have different ideas of how to get there. My 7 yo can make her own sandwhich at lunch, wash dishes, start the dryer and dress herself. My 11 yo easily gives the dogs their medicines, scrubs the toilet and sets and clears the dinner table. My 12 yo can make a simple but hot dinner, seperate and start a load of wash. I trust they could all survive, comfortably, if for some reason they were on their own ( and they are for the hour difference between when they get off the school bus and when I get home from work). At home, his kids are in an afyer school daycare program. Before me, he took them to a friend when he was at work.

So though we may have the same goal of a happy, responsible, loving complete family, our expectations are very different. He said they're just kids being kids. I say there is a time and place to horse around and goof off. Walmart is not a playground, we don't run around playing tag or marco polo.

I feel like his kids disrespect and just flat out hate me. Im so sick of asking them to do something (put your shoes away) only to be told "I dont have to cuz my mom does it at my house". And when I tell dh this he says she probably does do everything for them and throws out there how my kids have told him he doesn't do something like I do it. Or when my 7 yo gets so mad she stomps away saying I hate you.

Somehow hos daughter telling me to f-off is justified becuz my daughter points out how he and I scrub the floor differently.

I could go on and on here but I'll wrap it up. I'm just frustrated and babbling. I love these kids like theyre my own but not a days go by I don't wanna just get in their face like a madman and tell them to call there bm and have her come get them. The disrespect is too much and then I just wanna cry when he says it's just kids being kids and I need to lower my expectations and not be such a hard ass.

Help.