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How do you deal with SO gone all the time because of SK sports

Stepmom26745294's picture

My stepkids have sports 6-7 days a week. Every night they have something and DH wants to be there which I understand completely and I admire that he wants to support his kids. But I have never heard of kids doing sports 6-7 days a week. The younger one played back to back baseball in two different leagues for over 6 hours last Saturday in 90 degree weather (9 years old)  

And this means my DH is gone. All.the.time. His ex signs them up for everything and doesn’t talk to DH about it which she’s suppose to but she’s controlling and that’s a whole other issue. Of course he wants to be there to support his kids but damn! I hardly see him. He works all day then goes to games/tournaments/swim meets every night and all weekend long. Last weekend one had baseball from 11-2 then the other from 3-6 on Saturday then on Sunday it was 6 hours then Monday a game and he got home at 8pm now tonight it’s 8:30 and he’s just driving home now. 

I miss my husband and I feel like we don’t have a family life! It’s really getting to me. He does make time for me in between but it’s like we can’t plan anything. He needs to look at their sports schedule first. It’s frustarting. I want to be supportive byut I have kids too and I’m sick of our lives revolving around these sports and I’m also sick of not having my husband home! How do we find some balance? 

sickofstephell's picture

We go to practices and games together. There is a lot of time to talk and have time together at practices.

Why don't you go with him?

Stepmom26745294's picture

I have kids too. I need to be home with them. I do go sometimes but the dirty looks from his ex is pretty annoying. Lol!! But, I do go when I can. It’s just not too often. Plus, that’s not how I want to spend my free time. Watching baseball is as exciting as watching paint dry to me. Ha!! But I want to support them so I do go on occasion but I can’t livd my life watching baseball every night. I just can’t do it! I have my own kids, my own things I need to do. 

notarelative's picture

What's crazy is a nine year old in two different baseball leagues! What's crazy is a nine year old playing six hours of baseball in a day! Add in practice time for each team and this schedule is insane. This is a nine year old whose first priority should be school, not being a professional little league player.

Stepmom26745294's picture

I agree. I think it’s horrible but his mother sees nothing wrong with it and she’s at every game and will say DH isn’t supporting them if he doesn’t go to every single one. It’s a horrible existence. But, BM wants what she wants. 

fedupinwa's picture

Overscheduling kids is crazy.  Kids need downtime too.  Of course they are going to ask to be a part of everything because it sounds fun and exciting until the grueling schedule hits.  I believe kids need time with their parents, not just coaches and teamates.  You are going to watch but missing out on actual time to teach your kids your values.  

Is your guy okay with the SKs being signed up for everything?  Is there no mutual agreements that need to be made first?  I would tell him how you feel, you are not wrong for wanting time with your SO and you should be as important as his kids if you have any future together.

Stepmom26745294's picture

No he’s not okay with it and yes there is supposed to be a mutual agreement but she does it anyway even if he says it’s too much. She thinks she knows best. Yes, she says they need downtime which always seems to fall on his time he’s suppose to have the kids. She will say “can you pick them up later, they need downtime” “can you drop them off early? They need downtime” but 6 hours of baseball a day he doesn’t need downtime. It’s an ongoing battle that we can’t win so he goes to support his kids otherwise she has said to them “see, your dad doesn’t support you. I’m so sorry boys” 

she’s very very sick. 

Ispofacto's picture

"BM, The kids are overscheduled.  Are you doing this to interfere with my parenting time?  I hope not.  I will pick them up at the scheduled time.  I am their father.  They can enjoy downtime with me."

 

Stepmom26745294's picture

That’s exactly what he does, then she works on to plan B. “Well that’s what the kids prefer so we should respect their wishes and stop forcing them to do things they don’t want to do” she did this so he said “please release my kids on my scheduled parenting time. I do not want to resort to a police escort to collect my children” then she ran to SS who was 12 at the time and cried that dad “threatened” her with the police and she doesn’t feel safe sending the kids with him if he’s threatening her. Omg. She’s not above anything! She will drag the kids into everything and does not care how much it hurts them. 

SteppedOut's picture

If it's an ongoing issue that your husband cannot hash out with his ex, perhaps the portion of the custody agreement regarding sports and extra cirricular activities needs to be reviewed and clarified by a judge. 

It stinks to have to spend the money on an attorney, but it will stink for her also. Clearly this will continue if she is not forced to change. 

fedupinwa's picture

I would revisit the agreement too.  If this isn't handled it can and will get worse.  BM has no life and is using the kids' activities to circumvent the parenting agreement. 

I dated a guy with overscheduled kids and it was the worst!  Threww kids, each were in 7 to 9 activities per week: multiple dance classes, archery, crossing guard duties, band, softball etc. etc.  And BM was extremely involved, dance teacher for the classes, assistant coach for softball,  that poor guy was hated by all the parents because BM was such a great person, blech.  I left.

Thisisnotus's picture

My kids are fully immersed in sports but what I have learned having a blended family is that it is no longer possible to attend every single game like I would if i were still in my first family because we would all be there as a family.

my ex and I are both remarried and neither of us attend every thing because it’s impossible.

your dh has to find balance between you and his kids sports and realize that it’s not the end of the world if he doesn’t attend something 

tog redux's picture

He needs to stop letting BM pull his chain. You realize that her goal is to keep him from being with you, right?

He can just tell his kids that he will get to as many games as he can, and stop dancing when BM tells him to. The kids need to see that he has his own will and that BM doesn't control everything.

Stepmom26745294's picture

I do realize that. I get it!!! He does too. He’s disgusted by her but she lies to the kids so he feels like he needs to be there. The whole thing is so sick! 

tog redux's picture

He can't control her, he can only control himself.  So what if she lies to the kids, she will do it whether he dances to her tune or not. He can control whether he goes along with it. 

hereiam's picture

She will lie to the kids about some thing or another, no matter what. He can have his own talk with his kids and explain why he cannot go to every.single.thing.

ctnmom's picture

So in effect, she dictates what happens in your household. She has him hostage. He NEEDS to sit down with his kids and tell them he still loves them but he just can't make it to every game. That schedule is absolutely ridiculous, and I suspect she does this to keep him away from you.

Stepmom26745294's picture

I believe that to be true as well. This started as soon as we got engaged. They always did sports but not to this extreme. If he says he needs to make time for me she will tell the kids he’s selfish and loves me more then them. She’s a very very sick person. She sees nothing wrong with what she does. It’s sad for the kids and DH. 

Thisisnotus's picture

Yes to this! It doesn’t matter if it’s the sports or something else, BM seems to be dictating your DHs schedule.

 BM here did that during the first year we were together and he “obeyed” her out of guilt. Thanfully as time went on....BM dictates less and less of what goes on in MY family....i would say in about a year or 2 she will be completely obsolete thank god.

Stepmom26745294's picture

We have been together 2.5 years. Just got married last month and she’s getting worse by the day. We will have to go to court but attorney said we are looking at 9 months at least. Courts are ridiculously backed up here. Ughhhhh!!!

Ispofacto's picture

Court won't fix this, so don't bother.  She already requires DH's agreement to book the kids, and she doesn't have it.  So DH should enforce what he already has.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

I can see going to see them 2-3 nights a week but 6-7 is crazy. I agree with the poster above that said it is time to sit them down and let them know he will come to 1-2 games per week. 

Another note- parents who go to practices are just silly. Unless you are a coach, drop the kid off and come back in 2 hours. Since BM does the signing up, BM can take care of it. 

Stepmom26745294's picture

He doesn’t go to practices. He drops them off but between the two, they have games/swim meets everyday. Oldest gas one tonight. The youngest one was practices but that’s his Tuesday dinners (which all he does it take the. To practices for his “dinners”) Monday the youngest had a gage. Tomorrow youngest has a game. Friday is practice. Saturday and Sunday back to back games and pleat has a swim meet Sat and Sun morning. Youngest has games Saturday and two tournaments Sunday. It’s constant!! This can’t be good in their developing bodies. 

SteppedOut's picture

As to the "can't be good for their developing bodies" portion... My former employer's daughter was in soccer, volleyball, basketball (drama and band also...) year-round - both school-sponsored and private travel ball teams. She is now 17.5 in her senior year of high school. She just had HIP SURGERY; due to overuse. At first, she seemed ok... but as the years went by, she started getting a lot more strains and sprains, torn ligaments here and there. All kinds of crap all the time. He and his wife thought that if she was constantly doing something it would "keep her out of trouble". Not so much. But, now her joints have worn the hell out also.

ESMOD's picture

I think you need to present your husband with your problem and ask him what he thinks is a good solution.

Wanting time with your husband isn't wrong.  He has a lot of committments.. but it seems every one of them comes before you.  He needs to figure out how to set aside time for YOU... his child does have another parent present and cheering him on... he can't prioritize one family member's needs over everyone elses'

Stepmom26745294's picture

I agree and he will do it. I honestly never feel like I’m not a priority. I understand why he’s doing it especially now as we know we are going to have to go to court and she will say she’s supporting her kids and he doesn’t show up half the time because he puts his “new family” first. He doesn’t want things this way, he’s just at a loss on what to do. Attorney said “be at every game, every school meeting, everything!” So that’s what he’s doing right now. But I know he wants time with me. It’s not like he’s choosing this and pushing me aside. We are a team and right now I know this needs to be a priority but it sucks!! 

Stepmom26745294's picture

I agree and he will do it. I honestly never feel like I’m not a priority. I understand why he’s doing it especially now as we know we are going to have to go to court and she will say she’s supporting her kids and he doesn’t show up half the time because he puts his “new family” first. He doesn’t want things this way, he’s just at a loss on what to do. Attorney said “be at every game, every school meeting, everything!” So that’s what he’s doing right now. But I know he wants time with me. It’s not like he’s choosing this and pushing me aside. We are a team and right now I know this needs to be a priority but it sucks!! 

 

In other words, she going to say he shouldn’t get 50/50 and they should be with her because he works and has us and doesn’t have time to take them to their activities and she out then first and it’s what best for them so they should be with her most of the time. 

ESMOD's picture

ahhhh.. ok he has to do this as an end game due to come upcoming court procedures.  

First... he needs to absolutely track and log the time he is spending on this.. it might surprise even him that it is so much..

But.. second.  It sounds like this may not 100% be a long term situation.  It seems like BM, herself, will get sick of the time needed to fully play out this situation.  I imagine that after the court issue is behind her.. the kid magically won't have as much going on.

So... what you need to do is temporarily figure out how to deal with this situation. 

Consider it temporary.. to an extent.  Discuss this with your husband that you understand he feels that he has to do this "now" for court.. but that you expect he will have a more reasonable balance with his time after things are settled.

So... do what you can to enjoy what time you do have.. sure.... go with him and bring your kids.. bring games and things that THEY like to do.. play soccer on a side area... pig out at the concession stand etc..   And... find some diffrenet activities that your kids might like to do..and you might enjoy doing with them.. an art class etc.. join a gym with childcare so you can workout.  basically.. don't put yourself and your life on hold.. learn a 2nd language.. paint a picture... I know it's cold comfort that you would rather be with your husband.. but he is playing a long game here... and you need to do that as well... take care of yourself and make sure that you and your husband are on the same page with long term goals.

It wouldn't hurt if you planned some things that you knowwww his kid would like to do on game-days.. trips to the zoo.. local theme park.  just you and your kids.. the boy may start regretting all the obligations because he misses out. I'm not saying your DH will go with you.. but it might still put a bit of envy in the kid's heart and work in your favor.

 

Stepmom26745294's picture

Thank you! This is great advice and exactly what I needed right now. 

Rags's picture

Time for DH to introduce the SKids to clarity that BM is a manipulator and is the one who is failing to get them to their extracurricilar activites. He needs to review the CO with them so they understand clearly what is dad's time and what is mom's time and that mom cannot sign them up for activities during dad's time and if she does it is entirely on her to transport them to those events.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Stepmom26745294's picture

That’s what she wants though. She wants to take them on his time. She intrudes on his time every chance she gets and she wants to try and prove he can’t get them where they need to be so she needs to pick up his slack which isn’t the case but it’s how she will present it. She HATES if I drop them off or take them anywhere. It makes her insanely mad if DH says “we got it covered, I’ll take and my wife will take the other” last time he says this age literally threw our front door open screaming she’s their mother not me and she has every right to do whatever she wants with “her” children and she can take them any time she pleases. She did this in front of my daughter and scared her. So now she’s not allowed on our property. 

Rags's picture

Hopefully you called the police and had BM frog marched off of your property in cuffs shrieking her banshee shriek while her children watched the drama.

Next time, do it. 

DH needs to stop tolerating her crap and put his foot up her ass and keep it there. His kids need to see their father being confident, confronting the toxic harpie's crap and start seasoning their children with the facts in an increasing age appropriate manner.

smh

Stepmom26745294's picture

She wound LOVVEEE if I called the cops on her in front of her kids. She would be thrilled! She would use it to her as advantage. She does no wrong remember so this would be her big moment to prove to the kids just how evil I am and what a victim she is. She is not above dragging the kids into the drama and lying to them. She does it all the time. She has a birthday party for SS and she did not invite us. Okay no problem! But SS wanted us there and instead of her saying “I won’t invite them” she told SS we won’t show up because I hate her and won’t “let” their dad come. That was an outright total 200% bold faced lie. We told him if he wanted us there we would come to support him. Not that we would ever want to be around her but our kids have gotten very close (which she hates and tries to sabotage that relationship too) so we would suck it up for an hour and attend his party. He was very confused poor guy. She’s the biggest nightmare of my life! DH is so stuck and overwhelmed. It’s very hard 

Climbmountains91's picture

6-7 days of sport is to much in my opinion and why should you have to go to the games and watch "paint dry", I'm with you on that one I wouldn't do that either. I think maybe you need to have a word with him, yes he has kids with someone else and it's great he's so involved but he has he's real family aswell so there deffo should be a balance. 

shamds's picture

to force your mans hand to drop for her every whim, she is controlling him. 

If she is still in “project alienation mode”, no matter what hubby does she will find a way to spin things his way.

alot of men find it hard to be at peace with their decisions and setting down firm boundaries and so guilty parenting comes into play. Just this week i was walking to the shops behind my house and there is a park, kids playing soccer almost every day there, not 1 in parent was there in training. Kids went there right after school. If ever i have only seen 1 parent.

by having a parent there every training session, they teach their kids that they are the centre of attention and everything revolves around them and that isn’t healthy. They need to understand and learn that they have other commitments and errands to do.

how else do kids learn what a healthy relationship is? Are they willing to neglect their marriage by revolving everything around their kids?

2 of my skids are adults, they have no respect for others. They do not tell us in advance their plans so we always book our mini getaways away from them and if ss happens to be home, we do not change our plans to accommodate him. Thats part of being respectful of others time

currently your husband is the exwifes puppet. She has got him where she wants him and will keep pushing and pushing. He can say he knows its wrong but she’ll alienate them but by doing that he is saying you are expendable out of those 2 choices and that you aren’t as important as his kids and the exwife. No woman or man wants to be treated that way...

you need to set firm boundaries, its not unreasonable to say i want 1 date night every 4 weeks and plan it, whatever kids activities are on or ex-wife demands do not change that. Unless the kid is in hospital or something major like highschool graduation, your plans do not change

if he can’t make that work, he shouldn’t have married or gotten into a relationship 

Stepmom26745294's picture

I get what you are saying but I don’t feel neglected by him at all. We spoke to our attorney and this is the advice he gave him because at some point we have to bring her to court. This isn’t his choice. His eyes are wide open tinher manipulations. But, he has to do what he has to do right now and I get it. He’s stressed out trying to make sure all of us feel important. But it’s overwhelming right now and he hardly has parenting time with his kids so he has to show he’s available to get more time. He is very attentive to me and I am the center of his universe and I feel that everyday. It’s just hard right now. I miss him and he misses me and it seems like she’s getting what she wants but it’s a long game we are going for. I hate it though! He’s at their games. Not practices. She’s completely obsessed with them playing sports and they do sports every spare minute they are not in school. I honestly don’t get it but it is what it is right now. If he only goes to one or two games she will take note and go to court and say he’s not available to get them to their sports and judges for whatever reason are huge on extra curricular activities and parents are expected to take them and be there. If he’s not, it will look bad for him. Of course he wants to support his sons but not 6-7 days a week. 

irishtwins1617's picture

Holy cannoli I could have written this...I know EXACTLY what you are feeling and going through.  My step kids are fully immersed in sports and Dad is gone ALL THE TIME!! We have two toddlers together and I am basically a single mom - he even left the hospital after I just literally had our first child together because he had to attend a pizza party for his daughters gymnastics team.

WHAT?!

I was so angry, hurt, upset, etc.  But this happens all the time - we can't schedule anything either without looking at the sports schedule.  It makes me feel like I am living my life based on my step kids' commitments, and my children only see their Dad based on this schedule as well. 

Even if he could only attend games on the days he is scheduled to have them, that would make life so much easier.  These sports nowadays that kids get into are basically full time commitments, that either the whole family has to be committed to, and that's just not possible with the dynamics of modern families. 

However, I just wanted to say I feel your pain.  I am also a little jealous because my partner isn't that attentive or trying to "make up" his hectic schedule- it is basically "it is what it is," and he won't tell the bio mom to STOP signing them up for things all the time without any consideration from our end. 

I might be missing this, but what exactly is the custody schedule?  Would it pain him too much to only attend the games/practices on his days?  This might be a wake up call to bio mom that Dad isn't going to bend to every whim and isn't going to sacrifice anyone in his family for the other - yes, he is still there for his kids, he is also there for you, and also there for himself- I wonder how ragged he is running himself as well.  He could always send a quick text to his kids after the games he doesn't attend to ask how they did or to give them positive praise. 

But, yes, I feel your pain girl! 

 

Wooltoque1989's picture

I so get this. My SS plays hockey and he is only 8. The practices and games are insane. My partner coaches so going to practices or games is just watching them on the ice and taking care of my SD. I'm having a baby soon and I'm so stressed that he will be gone all the time with SS and my only option is to tag along with a new babe. 

We go to couples therapy and the only solution seems to be for him to agree not to go to every practice or game - to make space in our family for my needs and our new baby. So far...this hasn't been easy to implement but there is no other compromise we have identified.