Should have gone away
Weekend before our Xmas Eve party SS17 wanted to meet me for lunch. So fine I went. It went fine, he apologized. Doesn’t even matter what else he said because words are pointless. I did say I want the best for him, but as a parent I have to make decisions on what I expose my 5yo too. And he won’t be around unpredictable or volatile situations. Told him actions are what I’m looking for. When he’s on meds, going to school, on the right path etc.
He came a few hours before the party. Weird when he walked in. Quiet, out of it. My DH looked at me in alarm. We had lots of prep to do. Opened gifts between skids and 5yo then he said he was going to lie down. Got up 15 min before the party. I was being fake happy. Watching 5yo like a hawk. During party SS isolated himself and the cousins played with 5yo. SS left early. (No one ever leaves early). Younger SS was home sick with the flu.
After DH said SS17 was being weird and he thinks he was high. And was bothered he left early. I told him about the talkbut said it doesn’t matter, all that matters is actions.
so now it’s skid weekend again and freakin DH calls from the car saying “what am I doing this weekend”? Why the F is he asking me? My stance remains. He said can he come for dinner. DH was going to pick up SS14 earlier but BM said he’s busy til 4. She planned that. She knows if he gets SS14 early she will be stick with SS17 for dinner. After DH talks to her he calls me to try change our no SS17 deal, said I have to give a little. I flipped the F out. Told him, things haven’t changed. He was high 3 days ago here, fighting with BM, not on his meds, nothing had changed! I said this is my HOME! And don’t you get it? He makes me uncomfortable and nervous! I should not have to feel like that in my home with s 5yo. I gave you an opportunity to not deal with this over Xmas. I said I would go to my family (another country). You said no. I’m alone here (no family here), you take off for a night with the guys, leave us alone, then call me with this sh%\ on the way back?! I don’t want this in my life. Just because you don’t want to have an uncomfortable talk with BM you come at me with this. No way. He’s not better. I’m nervous don’t you get it! I’m a female with a small child. I’m not changing my mind. (SS17 is man size).
DH thinks he’s not helping him during this time and abandoning him. Well tough. Did he call around for a better Dr yet? No. Did he call the residential programs I sent him? No. Did he write up a contract as suggested by our therapist friend? No. Did he seek out info, groups, books or therapists that are experienced in BPD suicidal ideation failure to launch teens? No
I REFUSE to take blame for DH feeling like he’s not helping. There is TONS of things he could be doing to help.
New Years is the next problem. It’s a friends party. All families usually go. All my DHs relatives and bffs. Skids usually come as does 5yo. But that would mean skids at our house after the party. I feel even more uncomfortable because SS in party mode seems like a bad idea. I could see him sneak drinking and then can’t drive home to BMs, long drive.
so I booked a hotel for 5yo and I. A fancy one, right by some local fireworks. It has a pool so 5yo will love that. Haven’t told DH. The price is a lot but less than his “night with the guys”
when DH got home today he wasn’t speaking to me. He left to see them for dinner. SS14 will be coming back, not SS17.
i hate how DH does this. Same ah&; different day. We talk, he agrees, then 2 days later it’s all out the window because of his Daddy guilt. Well sh&( I cant fix that because hello!! you kind of ARE a crappy Dad. He and BM made SS the way he is. I’m not the one going to be “giving in”. Line in the sand has been drawn.
I will also add that part of
I will also add that part of the reason he asked if SS17 could come to our house to dinner is so he wouldn’t have to drive up and get SS14. SS17 could drive him down.
Too bad!! We lived by skids and I drove 1.5 hours every day with a baby. 5 years! We moved. Now close to our jobs and not skids. So DH finds it a hassle to drive up.
Good for you! Stand your
Good for you! Stand your ground and protect your child.
Your DH will either get with the program or he won't, but your five yo won't be collateral damage.
Your and my experience with a
Your and my experience with a personality disordered, drug using SS are very similar. For me, I eventually got to the point to where I felt forced to choose between my marriage or the safety of my younger sons. My wife's youngest son is a wrecking ball. One time, I came home for lunch to find 5 cop cars, an ambulance, and a fire truck in front of our house, all with lights blazing. As I started toward the front door, I saw her son in handcuffs on the front porch. My first thought was that he had attacked and killed my wife. I went inside to find my wife standing there sobbing. She had asked her son to mow the grass. He went ballistic. She asked him to take his meds. He refused, called 911, and told them that his bitch of a mom was trying force pills down his throat. The 911 operator asked to speak to my wife. While she was on the phone with him, he went beserk and starting kicking and punching holes in the walls, screaming at her. The cops and everything else arrived soon after as a result. He was placed on an involuntary 5150 hold for that little incident.
Since that incident, I've felt like the house is an unsafe place with him in it. In my mind, it isn't a very big leap to go from attacking and destroying property to attacking and seriously hurting someone. I finally ended up telling my wife that if she is insistent that her son live with us, then I have no choice but to end the marriage. I simply won't sacrifice my kids to her out of control son. He left about 3 years ago and hasn't been back. He's over 20 now. He's tried to force his way back a few times by manipulating his mom, but I have stood absolutely firm. Until I see him in a neutral setting with my own eyes to see how he really is, he doesn't set foot in the house.
Teens Suck
Yep, that sucks. Teenagers suck especially when it sounds like they have 3 parents who don't want to be around them. They need to fall to learn how to get up.