Step dad wasting my time or what
I'm a step father. Been in this game for 6 years now. I can say my opinion it's hard. Very hard. Most under appreciated thing anyone can do. I put myself in this situation and have a hard time getting out. I've been nothing but good to her kids. Who are now 20-15-11. I started a relationship with their mother when I met them they were 2-6-11. They didn't have a father figure. The real dad only seen them when he was sober which was less then 10 weekends since I've known them and no contact for last 5 or 6 years. He hasn't wished happy birthday merry Christmas no gifts but guess what I have every single time. I've tried everything I can to get respect from her kids and show them blood isn't always thicker. But almost ten years later I am just someone who realizing I'm wasting my time. I don't get spoken to no hi or bye or good nights. If I come home from work there's no hi. Or anything. If I sit down to watch tv and one of them is in the room they just get up and go to their bedroom. Usually first words are what's for supper or I'm hungry. My common law gf works till 8pm some evenings so when I get home I'm responsible for making supper and cleaning up. I could vent for hrs. Haha. But it really set in on Father's Day everyone walked past me all day not one person said happy Father's Day to me until 830 pm that night when their mom got home. I got a card and a box of gummy bears to snack on. It was some effort. It was their mom thanking me for stepping up basically and making them sign the card but it's clear they don't care. The oldest who is in university didn't send a message or anything. But since she was 11 I've done so much for her. Teach her how to drive. Fix her car when she needed it. Help her move in and out of university after each year. Now i see it as being taken advantage of and I don't wanna go through it again with two more girls. Who already show signs of not appreciating anything. Continue to disrespect me silently. I'm stuck. My son who is my biological son is with me 50/50 I have so he is here a week then he goes to his mothers for a week. It's hard. I see my gf and her kids 365 days a year. I put a roof over their head I provide for them and I get nothing out of it. Am I being selfish ? Am I wrong to think things will get better. Should I ask my gf to pick her things and go on her life without me ?
Why has your gf allowed her
Why has your gf allowed her kids to disrespect you for so long? No, you're not selfish. Have you tried disengaging? Stop doing anything you divorced them, redirecting them to their mother and only paying your legitimate share of the bills ( not your fault their father is a deadbeat).
Engaging
I've just started doing the disengaging. I've been using this site reading up and learning a lot. The disengaging is definitely gonna open some eyes around here. I grew up without a mom. She left me with my dad to raise me and my brother. I know what it's like to not have a parent alive and not involved. It sucks. So I try and do best I can for everyone but after so long of receiving nothing but stress and bs. It's time to cut the wire to make other people happy and worry about myself and son. I like how there is so much response from you people. Different opinions and views and ways to help the situation you all are a blessing. Thank you
Time to pull back and dump
Time to pull back and dump the parenting back on to the parent.
I made it clear to 3 BDs that their step parent were to be respected. It shows between my bios and skids. Your partner has failed big time with regards to you and your role. You've been nice for too long.
At least stop paying for the ungrateful kids
Let there BF support them. I would not go any exter then food and some cheap no name clothing. Makeing understood at 18 and finish HlS. There are out on there own. L ife will bless you in the end somehow. Some way.
'But you must also understand it's your SO fault for letting this happen. She married a loser, you save her a$$. This how you get repaid. Of course this is not her fault. `
Your GF is the main problem. She let her kids disrespect you. She does not correct her kids. Stop doing. Anything for anyone who disrespect you. 20 yo out of the house. 15 yo some type of a job. Let him put all his enegery into a useful thing
20, 15, and 11? Step waaaay
20, 15, and 11? Step waaaay back. The 20yo and 15yo can babysit the 11yo. All of them should be able to cook. Quit making their meals. if they can't, time for their mother to teach them, send them to cooking class, or buy pre-made microwave/oven meals.
All three should be capable of doing laundry and cleaning house. Let them.
drop the rope.
drop the rope.
just wake up tomorrow and stop being their door mat.
Car breaks down? oh that sucks.
What's for supper, I'm hungry? kitchen's that way.
Hands out for your $$? sorry, I don't have any on me.
Do for you. Do for their mom. for them? drop the rope. Don't pick up their messes, wash their clothes, buy them treats.
Started
I have been disengaging since I posted this. So let's see what happens. You're 100% right
So, stop tolerating it, be
So, stop tolerating it, be direct, and tell them how they will treat you with respect. Tolerate nothing less.
Point out how you have been there for them and they have never recognized that you are there and that stops now because they are now on their own. Tell them to find things to do until their mother gets home. Every day. They can take the bus from school to the library. They can come home, do homework, cook for everyone, then clean up.
Make sure that mom knows that you are done with living like a ghost in your own home and your life.
How do the girls and your GF interface with your son? That may be a factor of planting your flag on this issue and defending it.
Appreciaton should be a given to those who earn it. When that is not the case, then it must be demanded and nothing less than demonstated appreciation will be accepted. Failure to deminstrate, gets called out every time immediately in front of anyone present.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
The absence of appreciation from your GF and the ill fathered daughters is obviously impacting you and your willingness to continue to deliver. I understand that. Stepping up for a shit parent is not an easy thing to do. I could not imagine doing it for three kids with no appreciation from them or their resident parent.
I did not have that experience. My SS-31 has been mine since his mom and I met when he was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. I was the first person he ever called Dad(dy). He has always known his SpermDad though he is a massive POS. Not as bad as your SDs' dumbass POS father. But a POS in his own right. SS knows it though we did not badmouth him to SS. SS learned for himself how depraved his Spermidiot is and how shallow polluted the SpermClan end of his gene pool is. He has dedicated himslf to be a man of character, a viable self supporting adult, and living a life of standing in his profession and community.
He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.
Honor yourself by holding them to your expectations. Nothing less.
IMHO of course.
Lucky
You are a lucky one. I would love to have experienced like you did. To have the respect and gratitude you've gotten. Your partner must be a good one. I'm just expected to do all this crap now. But since I've posted this I've been disengaging myself from everyone and concentrating on myself and my bio son. He is the one who deserves my time. Not them. Reading through all the website here I see some people did good with good coming back to them. Then a lot of others seems to get the poop end of the stick. Sucks it take so long to set in that it's not worth it. You keep telling yourself it will get better and it may for a day or two but then it's back to same ol bs. I noticed the 15 year old bday was coming up a couple weeks ago and leading up to it she was talkative and friendly and after the bday it went back to normal. Ignorance. I feel it may of been because she wanted a certain something for her bday but I didn't do anything except give her money. No card no gift just a small amount af money.
I'm sorry you have lived this
I'm sorry you have lived this experience and that your SO has been found lacking.
Do keep focusing on your best life for you, and your DS.
My situation is a good one because I won the bride lottery and our blended situation is about as simple as it gets. She is incredible. Though it was no grand plan, she would not have tolerated anything less than us being equity partners including being equity parents to any children in the mix. Regardless of kid biology. Neither would I. As it turned out, SS-31 is an only in our marriage.
We recently discussed how we have had a great life together even 13yrs+ after our kid launched. It should never be all about the kids. The relationship has to come first. Always. Kids are the top adult responsibility, but not the priority above the partners and their relationship. Ever. When this gets upside down, everyone suffers and the end is far more often than not just a matter of time.
Sadly.
IMHO of course.
In pretty much same situation
Very good read.... I thought I was the only one going through this.
Been playing step Dad since he was 4 (he's he now 14)I feel the same as you I pay all bills put roof over his head pay for all holidays always pay for his share too drinks meals out I pay for him I wash his clothes fold up his washing to take up stairs go to all his football presentations etc even tho I don't really want to be there and feel like I'm not wanted there either.
His nan and grandad spoil him rotten seems to be because his real dad don't make any effort whatsoever.... he's rude and mean to my biological daughter who just turned 6, I want to lose my head with him but then mummy steps in to his defence..... my home I may add! They moved in when he was about 6!
I get no benefit from being a step parent I feel awkward around him in my own home don't wanna say anything due to backlash from other half
but I'm tired drained and lost my life spending all these years bringing up a child that isn't mine along with a load of constant BS
He isnt a overly bad kid but that doesn't change the feeling I wish he wasn't around sounds harsh but that's how it makes me feel (sorry to say) he sent me a Father's Day message saying he sees me as his dad and he's grateful etc his dads a loser and I'm is Dad not him. But then totally plays up running to his nan running to his mum taking bs about me etc it's just all BS
the stress I feel being a SP is horrendous constant anxiety around mother father in law what's he been saying now bla bla bla
I hate everything about it I think the same at times do I just say you know what I'm done but then I won't see my daughter as much etc I can't just break up the whole family.
well similar situation
It's so hard but I feel your pain buddy
It kind of sounds like in
It kind of sounds like in your case it's the other adults (mom, grandparents) who encourage the crap. If SS gets attention, treats, sympathy, or let off the hook for bitching and whining about you, he will do it. If you train a dog by giving it a treat every time it craps on the rug, that's what it will do.
Downward spiral
Yeah putting in all the time and effort that after 9 years you know it's not worth it. But we continue. Why?? It's hard to just to end things bam just like that. Inside I'm screaming. But no one sees that. I'm talked to rudely and if not spoken to it's silent treatment. You feel it inside though. I explain to their mom my gf. That she needs to start acknowledging what is going on but she doesn't see only why she wants to see. She is the one that speaks on behalf of her children but the words don't match the actions. I've been thinking putting my house up for sale and just saying screw it im out. The 20 year old is now in university so I don't see her much. Only once a month maybe. But still the same. I'm just a stranger to all these kids. I have more conversation with the lady ringing in my groceries once every week then I have with the kids in a month. Just to get up and say I'm done is the hard part. But they'll never know what they had until it's gone.
Talk with a realtor and see
Talk with a realtor and see what's up with your property. You might be pleasantly surprised in this market. Time to put yourself first. 9 years is way too long
Though I am no fan of divorce
Though I am no fan of divorce, the hard thing is staying in a toxic relationship situation.
Ending it is the courageous and intelligent thing to do in these situations IMHO. Divorcing is something you just know IMHO. If it is a repetitive thought and there is not change or engagement together to resolve the thoughts, it is long past time to take action IMHO.
I lived my version of this long ago in my first marriage. There were no kids. Fortunately.
Ending is not easy by any means, but it does draw a transition line on your life map and better starts at that line. At least it did in my case, long ago (34yrs ago), in a world/life far, far away. I moved on to an amazing future and ultimately to a life of adventure and a love for the ages with my bride of 30yrs (in a month). My morally bankrupt XW has crashed and burned repeatedly since the divorce. I got out. Blessedly. Though she was the one who played the divorce card. Which I am eternally grateful to her for doing.
IMHO divorce is not something to think about, it is something to do, or not do. If it is something that much thought is repeatedl invested in, it just needs to happen.
IMHO of course.
I am sure my DW has had a thought of divorce at some point, I'm a complete PITA. I have, and she is an angel. Fortunately those brief thoughts were decades ago for both of us. Just the thought drove intense connection, recommitment, and commited action and effort from both of us when those thoughts arose. We laugh about those fortuntely brief events now but they were terrifying then.
It cannot work when one partner is all in and the other is not in at all. Success takes two of you. Though failure only takes one to not be all in while the other is all in. Unfortunately the all in partner is the one who tends to suffer the most.
You are missing the point is your GF ,,SO
Is mostly to blame. It's her job as bio parent to teach respect to her DS. what she obviously didn't do. At this point you lose. This kids are not going to change. I would explain this to DW. letting her know you are fed up. You will not be taking care of ungrateful kids. Until they show respect. Things will be different. No more money to her kids. No trips, vacation, cars, or college. These kids have two BP. You are not one of them. BP will from now on take care of them.