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Update post on "Being on the Verge of Divorce"

vidiot57's picture

Hi all,

  I made this post back in February, here :

https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/blended-family-issues/verge-div...

And wanted to do an update.. It is no longer " On the Verge Of Divorce" we were oficially divorced in September.. I did not want this divorce.. As I thought I had a great relationship with my wife.. But she essentially choose to prioritize her adult children over our marriage.. I made several attempts to reach out, suggested we go to counseling.. Seemed like she made her choice and she was going with it.. I thought I knew who she was.. but apparently I misjudged....She allowed the children (thats adult chidren now age 18, 21 and 24), to drive our marriage into a ditch... She is the ultimate enabler, overcompensating to her kids.. As I believe she has a guilt thing from her messy diveorce from her  first husband.. ( the Adult childrens real father). Anyway do not want to bore you with all the dirty details.. I have not posted since that post.. But I was here, a lot lurking.. And I have to say Thank You for this site.. It helped me feel not so alone, and it gave me great insight and comfort that I was not crazy, or a rotten SOB.. I was deomized and turned into the bad guy in all this.. But when its 4 against one.. That is what happens..And making someone the bad guy makes it easier to dispose of them..My advice to anyone considering marrying a woman with children..well...Is probaly I would  not do it... I know there are many cases where it works.. But in this situation where the kids were pretty much developed ( age 16, 13 and 10) when we met..I think I was doomed from the beginning..I did not marry just one person, but 4 people, and that is a lot of plates to keep spinning in the air at the same time.. I gave it my best  shot, I am poorer, but maybe a bit wiser.. And I have scarring that will probably nver heall But I gave ti my best..Thanks to all here..

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

hereiam's picture

I am so sorry that it ended in divorce but the marriage was unsustainable, as long as she continued to enable her adult kids. You are certainly not the bad guy, nor are you crazy for recognizing a dysfunctional dynamic and not wanting to be a part of it.

We all deserve partners who WANT to be our partner. That is not what your wife wants, she wants to be there for her adult offspring, no matter what the cost, with NO consideration for you. That's not a marriage. She is also doing her kids a disservice but that's another matter.

Live a great life and do what you need to do for you to heal, knowing that you absolutely did do your best.

tog redux's picture

Sorry that happened to you. I wouldn't put a blanket ban on dating people with kids, but exploring their attitude towards their children moving back home and being financially dependent would be a must. 

vidiot57's picture

Thank You.. Yeah..I know some can suceed at this.. And I tip my hat to them.. I wanted this to succeed more than anything.. But I feel like the deck was stacked against me big time..And I should have recognized that.. But there was a lot of Love there and optimism.. So you dive in and feel like you can make it work.. Sadly it did not..

tog redux's picture

I think if you learned anything, let it be that "love" is not enough - you really have to make sure you are compatible with the person in terms of parenting and other areas, too.  You sound like a romantic, and that can get in the way of taking a good clear look at who the person is in all aspects of their life.

tog redux's picture

Well, not everyone thinks that, that's why I said you were a romantic. Some people are more practical and logical about relationships. 

JRI's picture

When we marry, there are more than 2 people at the altar, I've found.  In our case, there were 7 people there: me, DH and, invisbly, the 5 kids.  I suppose it's true in a first wedding, too, but it's more true when there are children involved.  We are marrying those kids as well as our spouse.

caninelover's picture

I don't see it as marrying the kids (at least it shoudn't be).  But yes, they are a presence in the marriage that need consideration.

vidiot57's picture

That is the way I feel Mamabearof3.. My ex seems to think that choosing to prioritize the marriage, means that you are choosing to love your husband.. And screw the rest.. It is a weird false choice.. You can love everyone.. The marriage is the foundation of the family.. If it is not the priority.. the whole thing crumbles... I read a lot of web sites and forums in the last 6 months.. And there are a ton of woman out there that are in the children come first club.. Hence maybe the high divorce rate, with previous married people with step children.. I believe it is 60 to 70 percent failure rate in the US..

Rags's picture

Love the husband and screw the rest.  My XW didn't do the first and excelled at the second.  Literally.

Rags's picture

When good people marry toxic people the journey to freedom and normalcy can be difficult.  I was shed of that experience 31 years ago.  She went on to three out of wedlock children, two pregnancies resulting from cheating,  and is on at least DH #3.

Congratulations on your new life adventure. 

pete1972's picture

Only I haven't reached the divorce stage yet.

DW spends all her time running after my SD29 and her son and it doesn't matter what I want. I have no input in her eyes as to what goes on under my own roof. I considered divorce on a number of occasions but haven't quite 'broken' yet. I'm now doing what I want to do when I want to do it. If the SD needs something done, ask someone else... I don't give a damn anymore.

Like you, I only ever wanted the best for them but the way my DW runs after them they are turning out to be spoilt, selfish, entitled adults. Not my problem anymore...

Good luck with the future, I hope you'll find someone who appreciates you - which is all I ever wanted.

vidiot57's picture

Sounds like a carbon copy of my life.. Hope it turns out better than my results were.. One of the things that happened.. They created a narrative that I did not like the children ( adult children) I may not have loved them like they were my own flesh and blood.. But I took care of them and provided them with the best situation they have ever been in  their entire lives.. I knew I was screwed when I asked my wife to go to counseling together to try and work on our marriage and she told me.. "The therapist cannot make you like my children" so the answer is no !!!

caninelover's picture

to hear about your divorce being finalized.  Just know that you are wiser now and better days lie ahead for you.

Leave your ex and her kids to enjoy their enmeshed codependent life together.

TheBrightSide's picture

I was married to a man when I first joined this site a thousand years ago.  We have since divorced.  I too am childless.  I'm in a great new relationship now with a man and some teens.  Its wonderful and its 4 years in.

There is hope.

vidiot57's picture

Good for you.. Like I said, it works for some people.. My wife did not share the same value system that I have.. Her views are that the children come first( those are adult children) and the marriage was secondary... We were together for 7 years and married for six happy years, and our marriage collapsed in one single day... It was a great nmarriage except for issues cocerning her children ( again these are adult children) We could not overcome this, as she did not even acknoledge that this was an issue.. I cannot try to work on a problem if one of the parties refuses to see it.. I thought we were soon to have an empty nest, and free to start enjoying our lives and each other.. Very sad..

vidiot57's picture

Thank you stepmomnorth.. Hopefully I can put this behind me.. Without being to bitter about the possibility of having a healthy relationship... 

melancholyvt's picture

Well this sounds familiar. My DH has always put SD on a pedestal and I've always felt like the outsider, an accessory, a financing mechanism, a maid, and a personal assistant. The triangulation has always been a major issue. I was at the point of "perhaps it's time to walk away for my own health and sanity". I had brought up counseling multiple times only to be met with "I did that with <BM> and it didn't work" (this comment and ones similar to it have always created tension). Finally, DH saw the seriousness of his actions/inactions. Time will tell whether recent changes will last... 

I'm sorry that you went through this time and that she obviously didn't value you enough to create boundaries. Know that that is her failing, not yours. Learn from the experience and know what to watch out for in future relationships. Boundaries and priorities are important. 

vidiot57's picture

melancholyvt Thats what is great about this website.. I could come here.. and not feel alone... I could read that others were going through the same selfish behavior of the thoughtless spuses and dysfunctional stepkids..And it was reinforcement that I was not an anomaly... Thank you.. Hope your works out better that my marriage did.. At least your spouse is giving it a try..

Harry's picture

You are there to keep the Happy Family going. The kids can do no wrong. Kids come first.  Deep down they know because they hide it when dating.  Only after you actually get together you see the real person. 
First thing is to tell you  You are wrong, kids are wright,  you hurt there feelings.  You try to do better. But it's never enough. 
What gets me is BF does nothing. But you are the wrong one 

vidiot57's picture

Sounds like a man that speaks from experience..Makes me wonder how many others out there are still hoplessly living this ??