BM Controlling - Help??
Hi folks, new to this forum so hopefully I am posting this in the right area.
Quick back story: recently married to my SO, he has two boys, 14 and 12. Their Mom hates me and has since I showed up (almost three years ago). In the past she prevented me from attending the kids hockey, was determined I couldn't attend school functions etc. Only recently she's reluctantly agreed I'm not going anywhere so she's stopped trying to blatantly prevent me from things. In the beginning she also directly told the boys she has no respect for me and doesn't like me. She is a manipulative, controlling person. Custody is primarily hers - we get every other weekend, split school holidays, etc.
My rant /issue: As happens with kids sometimes, items like homework or cell phones get left behind at our house from time to time, or the boys forget something at their Mom's that they meant to bring to ours. It's never been an issue before that the boys drop by their Mom's if they need to, to grab something. This week, one of the boys told us that their Mom got mad at him for stopping by last week to grab his snowboard. I asked my SO about it and he said he too had received a snotty email from BM saying that we absolutely had to let her know if the boys had to stop by, that she needs notice. My SO said "they live there, they shouldn't need to ask to come there?" She made a few comments about it potentially being "very awkward" (was she banging her BF in the kitchen ??) and we were lucky it had been okay. Yesterday she also got irritated on their phone with one of the boys when she overheard me in the same room while they were speaking to her.
I have never interacted with her, I've never spoken with her. She has made it very clear she wants nothing to do with me. I had hoped that we could be civil but it doesn't seem that will ever happen.
So my question is, how do I handle this ridiculous controlling behavior when it happens to the boys? I feel extremely strongly about never speaking badly about their Mom to them, despite my own feelings. They asked recently why I hadn't been able to attend their hockey games earlier in our relationship. My answer to them was "Your Mom wasn't comfortable with it." And when they added why, I said I wasn't sure. The answer of course is that she refused to acknowledge my involvement in her kids lives for over a year.
So - when the kids tell us their Mom is being this controlling, what is an appropriate way to handle it without bad mouthing her? It seems to be happening more frequently and I need a strategy. Thanks in advance.
The SM motto is "Ignore the
The SM motto is "Ignore the Whore"
The BM doesn't own the property that the school or sports function is at, so she has no right to say you can't go. Your DH needs to tell her to check herself and grow up, the only people she is hurting is her children.
If the kids ask again why you don't go to their hockey games, turn it around and tell them to ask their mother.
The kids should be giving
The kids should be giving their mother a heads up that they would like to swing by and get something. Just like they should give the same respect to their father and you in your home.
Doesn't matter that they live there, the weekends and holidays Dad has the children BM is not required to sit home in case the kids swing by. That request is not being controlling, it is merely asking for her time to be respected.
If the kids are on the phone, Bm will hear whatever noise is in background (sometimes even you) or they will learn to take the phone into their bedroom for a bit more privacy. Read some of the postings around this site. Some kids put the phone call on speaker phone. Now that's controlling
If the hockey and school function thing is in the past, leave it there and let it stay there. You said the first year, you're on year three. It's old news and she is no longer doing it.
How long was your Dh divorced before he started dating you and wanting to bring you to sports/school functions? Sometimes it takes a while for everyone to adjust. She has settled down on you attending. Let it go. If the issue once again raises, then it will be a concern.
Newsflash. BM will never be your best bud and 'like' you.
Yea, this is good advice. And
Yea, this is good advice. And continue to never badmouth mom. It will blow up on you.
☆THIS! Skids hear sh*t-talk
☆THIS! Skids hear sh*t-talk about SM from BM for years and years... but they are smart & eventually (if not completely PAS'd out) realize actions are much more real than words & that their own experience of who and how you are is how it REALLY is. You are doing a good job, and 100% correct in not bashing BM in any way in their presence. My SS17 visits his BM every few weeks... mainly to play whatever xbox-type of game she sits around & plays all day while she's collecting unemployment (and Child Support is garnishing $125/week direct-deposit). He's totally clear that her opinions of me are ignorant & her comments about his dad are lying resentments that SS rejected her in court 5 years ago and chose to come live with us. S is loyal like his dad, with a strong sese of justice & standing up for the underdog. However, if I'd ever indulged in sh*t-talking about BM I'm pretty sure he'd feel obligated to defend her. So I never put him in that position, and in spite of every other challenge with SS I know I handled this one right because he's always been able to talk to me about her because I will listen and sympathize but never start slamming BM.
I save those convo's for DH & StepTalk!
I see nothing wrong with
I see nothing wrong with asking that the children give her a heads up before showing up.
She is expecting to have the house alone. Yes she could be banging her boyfriend in the kitchen. That's her right as an adult and she has taken reasonable steps to ensure her privacy.
Though I'm in the boat of the kids should be allowed over whenever she is not being unreasonable to ask that she get a simple phone call first.
Your basicly the same as a babysitter to her. She's planed to have that night off for whatever. How would you feel if you did the same just do have a kid bust in.
Some fair comments, I'll try
Some fair comments, I'll try to address a few.
I have no illusions her and I will ever be 'friends. That ship sailed.
It was approximately 5 months after they officially filed for separation before me and DH started dating and another 5-6 months before I met the kids.
I'm only referring to them popping in to grab something, so I don't think it's necessary that she be "sitting at home waiting" , I'm just referring in general to them coming in to grab something quick. I appreciate the comment about letting the past issues go, I only brought it up because it came up recently with the kids.
Thanks for the comments.
Think of the 'dropping by to
Think of the 'dropping by to pick up just a thing or two and then leaving again' as Mom's house, Mom's rules, Dad's house, Dad's rules.
Perhaps not your skids, but some parents don't give their children of 12 house keys. Some parents do and find the kiddo loses it every chance he gets. Other kids aren't organized and forget everything they need (except for their heads as that is attached) and the kids spend the entire weekend running back and forth. Again, not saying this is the case with your skids, but this is one topic that is brought up on the site often. Jr, forgot his belt, here comes BM to your house carrying kid's belt. Jr forgot his homework at BM's, there goes Dad and Jr over to BM's to gather it up. Some parents don't mind, some do. Some parents have went to 'enough' and stopped the back and forth by saying kid can do without this weekend or requiring kid to make a written list to guide kiddo in what to pack so kid doesn't forget.
As with your BM, many parents are high conflict. Any small thing sets them off. On the otherhand, you're also read many SMs do not wish their home invaded when it's not the skid's time to be in their home. Or the two women have serious concerns such as BM or SM actually physically fighting (*we get all kinds of household extremes coming here and there are cases where exchanges have to be done in neutral place and/or the police station).
Being all your BM is asking for is a heads up phone call that the kid is swinging by, it's a pretty simple request to grant her. Next time the kids forget something and want to go get it, just have the kid call her. It's one less thing for BM to go crazy about and one less thing she will be able to blow up Dad's phone over.
When Dad picks the kid up for the weekend per the CO, there is some expectation that Dad intends to have the children during that time frame. Dad's time of EOWE is something that is court granted to him. He doesn't have to get the kids, but BM must have the children available for Dad to do so. With that thought comes the reasonable expectation that once Jr pulls away with Dad that Jr will be returning also per the CO... BM just may be doing housework in the nude at 10am on Saturday morning when Jr suddenly runs in the door to get his forgotten snowboard. Poor kid would be in horrified traumatic shock for the rest of the weekend
Just SHTFU at the get go by having kid alert her Dad is driving him over to get an item. Think of it as a courtesy thing. One less thing for BM to be a b*tch about. If you keep reading these boards, you will find some where NOTHING is allowed to go back and forth (except maybe homework), not socks, not pjs, not jeans. All kids take is the clothing on their backs. On the other end, there are BMs who pack their kid's weekend bag with all things of junky snack foods and/or tries to tell the Dad/SM what they must feed the skids while in Dad's home.
So yeah, for as annoying and b*tchy your BM is and/or appears to be to you it can and does get a lot worse in many other households. Some BMs spent their rest of their living days after divorce doing nothing but making their ex-D and his time with his children miserable.
Welcome to Steptalk. You'll learn a lot here and you'll find other SMs who go through the very same crap you do. You aren't alone.
Losing a key is totally
Losing a key is totally possible - the boys have access to their Mom's through the garage, and they don't have a key for our house. For us until they are driving there's no chance they can just drop by as we live a bit outside the city from their Mom's house. But maybe I am more relaxed about that? Personally I want the kids to feel like they can drop by, I want our home to be open and welcoming, but I understand drawing a line between welcoming a d walking all over.
My DH was like you. He even
My DH was like you. He even suggested to me that he ask his ex for a key for her house so the boys can run over and pick up a missed item. We lived in an apartment within sight of BMs home and all 3 (DH and 2 ssons) would watch out to see if her car was in the driveway so the boys could get a video game or a different shirt. RUDE!
DH didn't get it when I said he isn't married to her anymore and he is not to ask for a key. It is rude .... but it is for the boooyyysss. The boys will not die without a video game. They will not doe without their fav sports shirt. They will not die without a particular item unless it was medication and BM was always great at keeping DH supplied.
Still he didn't get it. One evening after some wine (well lots of wine) we were indulging in some adult activity in the living room. Remember, we had an apartment so you walk into the living room from the front door. I had put the deadlock on the door in a flash of drunken brilliance... and the door chain. Things were great and lots of fun until we heard a pounding on the front door. Their key wasn't working in the lock ... DDAAADDD!
DH had to clear the decks with my help. I headed to the bathroom and locked the door and DH had to find a bathrobe. They wanted a book and a video game. The book wasn't even required reading for school. DH had to help them find the items and not express his frustration because he had this open door policy for his kids. When they left I came out of the bathroom, he wanted to keep up with the fun and games ... me? Not so much. You know when you get interrupted and the whole things seems like taking up too much energy and you just want to sleep? Yeah, DH was rather unhappy.
So the next morning I told him that THIS is why the kids need to call first. Yes, it is their home and no I don't have a problem with them coming over. But it is common courtesy. After all, I am only their SM and I do not want to be home alone and someone coming through the door uninvited. Imagine walking from the bathroom to our bedroom naked and there is SSON with a couple of friends!
He then got the picture. Yes, the boys would call first. And they did. It isn't a big deal. And it also taught Ssons to get a little more organized. It is funny how long they can go without a game or a piece of sports equipment if you are not at home. Although one time sson#1 called and said he needed something and we were out. Sure, make sure you lock up afterwards. What we DIDN'T say was make yourself a pizza and watch TV with your friends as well! We knocked THAT one on the head pretty fast.
So consider her home her home, If she wants to walk around naked or hold a revolving Tupperware party or enjoy having sex with her BF in every room of the house this is her choice. She does not expect her sons to come through the door at any time. She expects them to be with their father. Imagine coming home and finding your ssons there in the middle of the day. Why? Schools out and they decided to come over to your house instead of their mothers.
As for the other stuff, this happens. They had only been split 5 months. I remember my DH going to the kids school carnival and asking me not to come along. His ex would be there and he didn't want to make it awkward. I was cool with that. It was early days and everyone was settling down. I erred on the side of caution. I was not going to get into a pissing match and territorial. That is just silly.
Forgetting something they
Forgetting something they need at the other house should be a very rare occurrence, IMO. They need to plan better and be more responsible. If the item isn't critical, they shouldn't be able to get it.
Don't take her request of the
Don't take her request of the boys personally. And if they ask why.... ask your mom...it was her request.
Don't take her request of the
Don't take her request of the boys personally. And if they ask why.... ask your mom...it was her request.
Bm deserves a heads up if her
Bm deserves a heads up if her kids will be coming to her house on dad's time. It's ridiculously rude to assume she doesn't deserve this basic courtesy.
I'm also confused as to how she prevents you from attending public functions at a public arena. If you want to watch kids play hockey, go. If she acts a fool, that's on her. I never enjoyed watching my skids in any school activity. I was super glad when I stopped going.
A couple grouped responses: -
A couple grouped responses:
- I agree they should plan better but kids are kids, and when they are with us, unless it's something vital (like homework or sports equipment needed) we agree with the "guess you'll do without." Their BM feels we are even a bit strict on that, but it is very one aided. If they boys forget something when with us, or forget it at our house after they've left, she calls/texts/emails insisting we bring the item to her house in the next 24hrs. However the same rule is not applicable if the situation is reversed. Which is partly what makes the whole thing so frustrating.
In regards to the comments about enjoying the freedom away from the kids and the ability to not have to attend events at all, I feel quite the opposite. I have enjoyed attending their sports events very much, haven't always loved the school functions (band concerts are not my thing) but I like to be there and to be participating in their lives. She made a huge scene with my DH when I had picked the kids up from school on his behalf on our regularly scheduled day - which turned into a demand that I not participate in any of the sports functions because she "was not prepared to let her make any decision or handle my involvement in their sports platforms". (I wasn't making any decisions. I just wanted to attend.) So to save my DH and the kids her wrath, I didn't attend for a while. I did start attending after a while, when my DH told her the kids had been asking and that she wasn't in a position to control my actions. She wasn't happy but she got over it eventually.
While I certainly enjoy the 'perks' of the step parent thing, only having the kids part time, I actually really enjoy it when they are there. They've fit into my family very well and to be honest I wish we had them more often
It sounds based on a few of the comments that's maybe not an overly common feeling in this community?
Your feelings are very common
Your feelings are very common for most stepmoms in the early years. Many of us have decades of experience. We simply realize if the bm is high conflict and makes it known to the kids that you are an intruder who is to be hated, attending all of the hockey games in the world won't prevent them from eventually hating you to please their mom. Many of us wish we hadn't tried so hard in those early years and instead focused on our own lives and what makes us happy. You can run around trying to make your DH and skids happy, but you will probably grow to resent them the day all of your efforts are thrown in your face and rejected.
BM cant control crap that you
BM cant control crap that you and DH dont allow her to control.
So stop allowing her to control and start putting your collective foot up her ass. Pummel her with a rolled up copy of the CO (figuratively of course) every time she gets shitty with you. Drag her ass to court for interference in DH's CO'd visitation.
Go to every event that you want to go to... and BM can FO.