Aggressive 21 yr old s/son am now contemplating disengagement
Dear all / am sitting in a chair outside our house middle of the night -broken up -Reading your posts and feeling like I belong to this human community - am sleepless after 21 yr old step son declared recently to his dad that he “hates my guts”, is “done with me” and wants me gone ! I have cared for him for 10 years - after his mother left him - I have loved him like my own (I have 1 daughter of my own who has recently moved out saying she can’t stand to be in the home anymore) I have covered so many of his costs, been to all of his milestone events growing up and spent countless hours helping him get through his schooling and degree course -hasn’t always been easy as he has shown allot of jealousy and resentment towards me but I have done my best to love him and support him and then this declaration to his father!!! -(I overheard the whole conversation) - OMG - devastated and now want to disengage completely - when I said I had overheard the whole hateful conversation he said he was glad I had heard what he said ...his father ( my partner for a decade) has said I need to step up , be the adult and talk to him - according to my partner his words of rejection were “silly” and just in the heat of the moment!!!!!! I don’t think so - I think they were was is really in his heart - can’t win no matter how much j do to help him - relationship with hubby now strained -thinking I need to get out - any advice?
I can see both sides.
I can see both sides.
If there were never an issue within your relationship with your SS then the heat of the moment explanation seems legit. Often times bio kids will say such things out of anger. If you acted and was accepted as a mother figure this could very well be.
And if so I would talk with him. Put all the grievances out on the table and work through them.
Now if it is the opposite and the relationship you have had with your SS was always turmultous then taking offense to his words is correct. And your DH not correcting him is wrong. If this is the case first talk with your DH. Let him know that what was said was uncalled for and disrespectful and demand he handle his adult child living in your home. If he does not then adult child can leave. And your DH is on notice that if he cannot put your relationship first as it should be he can go with him.
No need to disengage from an adult. This kid is grown and living under your roof as a guest not as a necessity. He can respect his guest hood or he can go.
I think there is some info
I think there is some info missing. Why does he hate you? Why did your daughter hate living there?
Call the locksmith, rekey the
Call the locksmith, rekey the locks, give him his wish with the caveat that he is the one that is gone.
Simple, direct, effective.
SS may have said it in a
SS may have said it in a moment of anger -- that he didn't say it to you means he might never have said it to you. He might have been letting off steam not realizing you'd hear.
I'm thinking of how many times I declared that I hated my bioparents, my siblings. I bet plenty of kids say the same thing about their bioparents at one time or another.
That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt you, of course. But without more info, it's hard to tell if SS was just having a meltdown that you shouldn't have heard or if he really meant it.
If the young man is having
If the young man is having those kind of outbursts then it is time for him to fly the coop. Kids are not meant to be at home as a child forever. What is he doing with his life? What are his goals? Sounds like it's time for him to pursue those. Definitely disengage mentally, physically and financially.
Time for SS to leave
I would not pay or do a single thing for him again. You don’t say things like that unless you are think about them. Pack his stuff and out in the driveway. Good by and good luck