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Bats**t crazy, an update and a thank you

Biostep7777's picture

In today's episode of bats**t crazy.... lol!!!! 

BM is still insisting DH is late for everything when he isn't 

She is saying she's concerned over the reason DH was late dropping SS off at practice last week. (He wasn't late) the thing she's so concerned about? My daughter and her friends went for a walk around the neighborhood and took a wrong turn and got lost. I taught DD  how to drop a pin a long time ago for anything like this. It's perfectly acceptable for teenagers to take a walk in the safest suburb in America) they just weren't paying attention and went down the wrong street. She did exactly as I taught her. She calmly called me, told me they took a wrong turn, that she dropped a pin and they were waiting for my arrival. I was very proud of her and no clue what HCBM is concerned about? Crazy. She's insane! I took my car which had SS things in it so they left a few min later but again, they were NOT LATE. I'm so sick of her!!! 

Then she said DH didn't pack SS bathing suit so....wait for it....if HE can't find it, she expects DH to REIMBURSE HER. Haahahaha!! SS is 15!!! That is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to bring his bathing suit. DH doesn't own her crap if SS lost HIS bathing suit. Crazy crazy craaaazy!!!

Then she told DH that she feels she should help out on Thursdays and instead of DH picking them up at the COURT ORDERED PICK UP TIME that she should be the one to take them to practice and DH can pick up.! 

But I did want to say, thanks to all the great advice to BIFF her, DH did great. He BIFFED THE SHIZ OUT OF HER. 

he said: 


"Your statements are not accurate, SS was not late, I'll tell SS to find his bathing suit to return it and I do not need help taking kids to practice. Thanks for the offer though" 

She is losing her mind emailing him demanding why SS was late, he better answer he, why is he being so difficult hahahaha!!!!! He is completely ignoring her. She's throwing an absolute tantrum so THANK YOU!!! This has truly helped so much. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

She "feeds" on getting him to react. As he begins not reacting to every text, she will ramp it up in order to get her "fix."

He needs to practice BIFF, and he needs to quit responding to every text, email and message. She will get worse before she gets better. Once she sees he won't always "take the bait" - she might back off on trying to communicate so much.


CastleJJ's picture

I'm proud of you guys for taking control and BIFFing this b****. She will continue to have these tantrums because DH is taking away the conflict that her narc personality feeds off of. Reactions are everything with these HCBMs because it shows DH's vulnerability and makes BM feel like she is in control. Expect it to get worse before it gets better, but if you continue to follow the court order, BIFF, and ignore, eventually she will fizzle out (and if she doesn't, you'll learn how to manage her shenanigans much better by then). 

Continue to document, continue to follow the CO, and continue to "check-in" on OFW. Documentation and evidence is your friend right now. 

CajunMom's picture

She's seeking interaction, something she sorely needs. In my small support group of SMs, we have rules. We don't respond to texts, emails or voice mails that do not require a response. On things that do require or need a response, we have a 24 hour waiting period (unless its an emergency type situation). When we do reply, we write out what we want to say, then we have the task of taking out as many words as possible. We often post in our private group so the others can help us re-write the response. The replies are short, direct and to the point. And we do NOT address the same topic over and over. ONE TIME. Let them scream into the airwaves. 

I agree with notsurehowtodeal....she's feeding and your DH is the one to withhold the "food." Continue to document, use your OFW and forward to your attorney. She's nuts.

Biostep7777's picture

It's frustrating because she will ask a question and he will answer and if she doesn't like the answer she will demand that he explain himself and of course he doesn't so then she keeps emailing saying "you will not respond" sooooo annoying! So now he will end with "this topic has been resolved so I'm closing out this conversation" if she asks again he will say "see my email from ___ where I already addressed this" 


God she needs a hobby or a boyfriend or anything to occupy her sad existence. She's pathetic. Always trying to make DH look back because of her own insecurities and selfish reasons. But it's "always about the kids". Lol. Yeah okay. 

tog redux's picture

Sounds like he's handling it well. I like the, "We've already discussed this, I won't be responding to any more emails on this topic."

Once court is done, those will get ignored, but for now, play the game,:

Biostep7777's picture

Exactly!! These BIFF statements are genius though! I wish we did this all along. It's still responding but just saying "your statements are not accurate" is enough! I think he felt like he had to "set the record straight" in every texts/email that she lied in and it's a lot! Overwhelming a lot. But just saying that's not accurate actually is all he needs to do. If it's brought up in court... we address it then. No...DD did not "run away" she went for a walk with 2 friends and they took a wrong turn. She did the exact safety measures I have taught her and I actually could not be more proud of her! I am not the mom that wraps my kids in bubble wrap. I teach them how to keep themselves safe, how to protect themselves and I throw them out if the nest. lol!! Three teenagers taking a walk in the safest suburb in America with their cell phones staying together in a group with safety precautions taught to them is not "concerning incident" you crazy person!! Lol!!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

BIFF is a form of communication recommended for dealing with hostile/ HC individuals. The acronym stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.

Biostep7777's picture

Brief, informative, friendly and firm. 

there's a book. There's also a coparent version! I'm reading then now. It's just basically short one/two line responses that don't feed the narcissist supply. Things like "your statement is not accurate" and "thank you for your opinion, I will take it into consideration" also just answering the needed questions in the HCBM emails and ignoring the digs, insults ect. For instance: in this situation BM is insisting that DH was late to drop off SS bevatae of an "incident" that happened in our house and she said he was swearing "angrily" (literally none of this happened) she went on and on for paragraphs! So he replied: 

"your statements are not accurate. SS was not late. I'll talk to the coach directly about practice time expectations. Thanks" and ignored the rest of the garage she was spewing. She is freaking out now demanding he explain why SS was late yadda yadda. Omg. She's a mess. Lol 

Rags's picture

The most brilliant advice I have ever received was regarding business communication.  It applies just as brilliantly in bleded family communications and communication with the toxic opposition.

Instead of "You're wrong." Use ... "That is not entirely accurate." Then correct and advise.  This works great for sharing the facts with Skids when they suffer from a PASing opposition parent.  e.g "Mom says you cheated on her with StepMom and StepMom ruined out family."  "That is not entirely accurate. You know Uncle Steve... your mom cheated on me with Uncle Steve.  So your mom and I divorced on X date.  I did not meet my wife (StepMom) until after your mom and I divorced so there is no way StepMom could ruin the family. Your mom already ruined the family. So, keep in mind all of the things your StepMom does for you that your own mom doesnt' tand remember that your mom is the one who failed out family."

Instead of "No" in response to a request.  Use.... "I will look into it and get back to you with what I can do."

This deflates immediate tension and defers interface to make it more controllable.   Getting back to someone does not mean you will agree to do anything and if you do, it is entirely on you to set your level of response and participation.

The third element is ... the commit to commit.  "I will look into it and get back to you by X day on what I can commit to."  Then respond as promised.  Again... no need to do anything other than to get back on the day that was promissed to tell the opposition what you will do. Which can be .... nothing.