Considering becoming an SM? Read first...
Hello everyone,
After 20 years of experience with an embittered, resentful, vengeful, and mentally unbalanced stepdaughter, I want anyone coming here for the first time to read this carefully and thoughtfully and understand exactly what things will look like if you become a stepparent when:
- The divorced parents do not cooperate in creating a healthy, safe setting to continue to coparent their children, despite their separation as a couple.
- The children have significant trauma issues resulting from physical or emotional abuse.
- The custodial parent is unstable, and there is a SIGNIFICANT chance that, without expecting it, YOU will become a full-time parent to troubled kids.
- You yourself come from a dysfunctional family of origin, and you might have post-traumatic stress without even realizing it.
- You are relatively successful in other aspects of your life (career, friends, finances) and are known for being empathetic, strong, and competent. You see yourself as a "problem solver" who can withstand challenges and adapt and grow from them.
- You LIKE kids. You either have or want kids. Maybe you even WORK with kids. You think you are GOOD with kids. Generally, kids like you.
Now, you are looking at this prospective love match and thinking about joining your life to his/hers. Or maybe you're two to three years in, and you are at your wits' end emotionally and physically, and your spirit and body feel like they are at war because you have digestive problems, inflamed joints, disrupted sleep, weight fluctuations, and panic attacks. The stress created by your skids has started to affect every other aspect of your life, and yet you STILL believe that this person with their train wreck of a family situation will somehow bring love and light to your life.
Here is what you need to hear: RUN. RUN, RUN, RUN LIKE THE WIND. EXIT THE SITUATIONS IMMEDIATELY AND NEVER, EVER LOOK BACK. Seek your bliss elsewhere.
How I wish I had. Now, I'm 20 years in, I deeply love my SO, we are too invested in each other at this point to turn back, and yet the pain is never-ending. The SD is as f*&^ up as ever after years of psychotherapy, medication, financial support, intervention, praise, support, expensive vacations, communication, etc. etc.
I just had to sit through another hour of "family conference," offering up yet amother apology tour, trying to avoid a family schism where SD would decide to never speak to SO ever again when all he has ever done is love and support her, while I've tried for two decades to do whatever I could to help her heal from her disasterous childhood at the hands of her mentally ill mother. MY EFFORT HAS CHANGED ALMOST NOTHING IN HER BEHAVIOR TOWARD ME, ALTHOUGH UNQUESTIONABLY, HER LIFE WOULD BE A DUMPSTER FIRE HAD I NOT STEPPED IN. She might not even be here.
She is as hateful and retaliatory as ever in her 30s, after I've now spent a third of my life trying to fix whatever is wrong with her life situation.
LISTEN TO ME. IT IS NOT YOU. IT IS THEM. PLEASE KNOW:
- In the situation I outlined above, you can never give the skids enough that it will finally be recognized and appreciated. You cannot fix this. You just can't. You can try, but the odds are not in your favor.
- I readily acknowledge that, where there are healthier dynamics, things can be quite lovely and different. And maybe if you're a trained psychotherapist, you will have some level of mad skills that will make you a great co-facilitator. But if you're just an average Joe/Jill seeking a calm, happy life with a loving partner, and you don't have any sort of background that will prepare you for the bile, blame, and toxic behavior that will come your way... JUST. DON'T.
- We are taught that children are everything, that they can do no wrong, that we as adults have to ignore their spite and dysregulation indefinitely, even into adulthood, because WE didn't have all the answers for them as the emergency responders on the scene. I say BU%%$$#, Just because we were the ones who showed up, sacrificed, strived, and suffered every kind of tantrum and bad behavior, and we made some mistakes along the way, WE DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ENDLESSLY ON TRIAL AND HELD TO AN IMPOSSIBLE STANDARD WHEN THEY THEMSELVES HAVE NEVER EVEN TRIED TO MEET YOU HALFWAY.
Again, listen to me, listen to me. You deserve more, so much more, than this. You deserve sunset cruises, drinks with friends, fun shopping at vintage stores, 10k walks for charity, porch swings, breakfast in bed, beloved pets, flower gardens, weekends at the beach. And YOU, YOU AND ONLY YOU, can give yourself ALL of this. You do not need a romantic partnership to have this. Pursue these things, guard your personal peace carefully, and in due time, ALL GOOD THINGS WILL COME TO YOU.
It is too late for me. I've invested too much of my life now, and I recognize that, while I've benefited my skids in ways they will never fully comprehend, it has been an incredible ordeal. I cannot honestly say that the sacrifices to my finances and health have been worth it.
The only silver lining: I finally "grey rocked" and stayed calm enough through this recent episode of bizarre lashing out that my SO finally, FINALLY, sees the situation as it truly is, and he finally, FINALLY admits that now, it's not me, IT'S THEM. If he had not come to this realization, I would have finally just walked, despite how catastrophic this would be at this point in our shared lives. It is an effing hollow victory, folks.
It's taken 20 years. Do you have 20 years? Would you trade places with me, right now, knowing what you know about what my life has been like?
If I get one person, just one person, to reconsider, then I think I will have some peace about this. Please tell me -- this post has caused you to think twice, and you're not going to walk in or keep walking, knowing this could possibly be you 20 years from now.
You hit the nail on the head
Your elegantly explained the facts. Unfortunately future SP don't believe this. They know better. That '''Love''' solves everything.
Yes ,,, your right, unfortunately I know this by living it too. Any newbie reading this because you are in love but see '''' the red flags'''. and are wounding if you are making the right move. RUN, RUN, I truly believe, that someone who breaks up a family and divorce. There something wring with them.
That they came involved with a crazy person, then had kids with them. And can't let go. They ''' truely hate the X ''. buy involved them to Christmas morning and dinner '''For the kids'' go to Disney with the X ''for the kids ''
Somemany good people out there just look
It amazes me that the failure rate of initial marriages
is rarely recognized by people entering into a first marriage for both partners. That someone entering into their own first marriage with someone who has been married or reproductively coupled before is not mentally aware of the odds is something that boggles my mind. I think that their own parents need to be informing and coaching them on the odds of any mix that applies. Of course no one wants to wiz in their own Wheaties regarding the luuuuuv they are feeling at the early and wedding stages of a relationship.
I have found no data on this particular caveat of the odds of marital success or failure for a marriage that is both a first and a second marriage. I have to think that risk of failure of a marriage between a first timer and a retread is at minimum in the same ballpark failure range as any second marriage and likely much higher. For reference. First marriages fail in the 40%-50% range. Second Marriages fail in the 60%-67% range. Third marriages fail an estimated 73% of the time.
In our marriage DW is the first timer and I am the retread. Though she was previously reproductively coupled. So at some level it makes sense that our risks or marriage failure were notably elevated. Fortunately we have avoided that tragedy. Though there are no guarantees, ours is looking good so far.
Love is not enough. There has to be quality at the core far beyond the tinglies of love. There has to be action, their has to be mutual respect, there has to be true quality partnership that makes the couple and their relationship the uncontested priority above all else. Sadly, many who bring the baggage are looking for a replacement mommy or daddy for their failed family spawn. It is not enough for one partner to be all in when the other is not in at all. It takes all in from both sides while keeping the baggage and the Klingons in their due places.
Harry, you are absolutely right. Everyone should know their worth and demand comparable quality from their partner.
Wonderfully thoughtful
Great insights, Rags. I hope everyone on this forum comprehends your words. Congrats on making things work. It takes a lot of wisdom and commitment. My DD SO is FINALLY understanding some of these things now (belatedly) so it's looking like we'll eventually get to a better place. I don't know about deeply troubled SD, but now SO and I are finally. FINALLY a team.
Thank you. I hope that team SA and DH triumphs?
I did find some data on failure rates for marriages that include SKids. Or more clearly, any marriage where one, the other, or both partners have prior relationship progeny.
Failure is as high as 70% in these marriages. Which is significantly higher than the failure rate of 2nd marriages in general (60%-67%).
Depressing stuff.
But forewarned is forearmed.
Full disclosure, these are all things that never even entered my mind when DW and I started our adventure when we met 3yrs after my divorce was final from my first wife. No kids. Blessedly. Good thing too. I don't think I would have ever jumped in if I had known the odds. I would have missed out on the most incredible blessing in my life.
“Love is not enough”
- I would reiterate that it's such an important concept, and it applies anywhere love applies. Love for your job or your clients/patients is not enough if you have a demon boss from hell taking away all your supports and cranking up the hours to the point where your health and relationships start falling apart.
Love between you and your partner is not enough, because for some, love is always associated with violence, control or denigration.
Love for your sports/hobbies is not enough if they are likely to cost you your life/health/finances/family relationships.
Love for what's familiar/safe/your comfort zone isn't enough if you're most comfortable with chaos/pain etc.
"Love is not enough" should be a slogan taught at schools and occasionally displayed on buses and billboards.
Even in the relatively "best
Even in the relatively "best situations", steplife can be difficult for women, especially
Your spouse has a tangible link to their ex.
Gender roles and natural instinct can put the SM in a position of caring for kids without full autonomy or authority.. even if their spouse is supportive.. remember.. there is still the EX.
As you point out, if the EX has problems.. those problems can become your househould's problems... and likely will negatively impact your household at some point.. in varying severity.
Gender bias in court. Men are ATM, Mother is vital to the children's sustenance. May be changing to an extent in more modern times.. but still very present in our legal system. A SM is walking into a situation where man is normally encumbered financially.. which unfortunately often leads to the two geniuses to think moving in together ASAP is great to "save money" raising the bar to someone making their exit from the relationship.
also to the gender issue... men are often put in the position of "begging" to get their time with kids.. and are put at a bargaining disadvantage.. even perfectly capable fathers are often allowed to be iced out.. A few on this site fit that bill for sure. Many men just can't or don't parent effectively as a result.
Genetic input.. tendencies to mental issues are often hereditary.. so that kid has 50% of the Ex propensity for issues.. they have issues.. your skid is likely to have them.
Then, there is the whole issue of people that have gaps in their behaviors that cause their relationships to fail.. when you marry someone who has had a major failure (breakup with kids).. then there is a chance you are inheriting those poor relationshp skills into you rhome from them too.
Finally.. personal awareness is key. If you have a high need for control and order in your life. Don't do it.. in steplife.. even the decent situations.. (which I actually have at this point).. there may be things you can't control.. you will have to accept them.. or if it is going to cause too much heartburn.. you are not cut out for "the life".
You're so right
@ESMOD, yes, absolutely. I was NOT cut out for the life. I definitely did NOT have sufficient self-awareness 20 years ago. I should have seriously talked to a professional and asked, "What will this really look like? Am I the right person for this particular situation?" I didn't do it. I was a dope. I thought I could solve all of SOs problems. That's completely on me.
We want to be helpful.. esp
We want to be helpful.. esp when we think the situation isn't their fault.. but in the end.. people solving their own problems is probalby more beneficial to them.. they learn to set boundaries etc...
I will note that it seems to be more prominent that stepmoms have the bigger issues. Sure the stepdad may deal with some attitude or ungratefulness.. but not as often are they truly tasked with parenting their stepkids...
And.. the BM who has custody has more control. I know that Rags is a stepfather on here... and often gives very blunt advice to go hard core on the cO etc.. but his perspective is coming from a situation where his wife had the full custody.. it's a lot easier to wield the whip when you are the one holding the cards (kid)..sometimes it just isn't a great option.. no matter what some BD's do.. they are hamstrung.. even if the keep the CO to the letter.. there are still ways that their spouse can be neg impacted.
I absolutely have the Unicorn SParent life. No doubt about it.
My DW is the CP with sole physical and legal from SS-32's birth. During the CO years, or any other time for that matter, we have niver lived nearer than 1200 miles from BioDad and his family. Even with a visitation schedule BioDad was rarely involved even during his COd visitation time. Generally SS only saw his BioDad for a few hours on any visitaiton whether it was a week in the winter, a week in the spring, or 5wks in the summer.
Absolutely the bias in favor of BMs was a huge influence on my StepDad adventure. An advantage that few SMs experience.
Even with that, I am a proponent of enforcing the CO, firm boundaries, keeping an X in their place, and instant compliance to standards of behavior and standards of performance from the moment the SKid arrives until the moment they return to the other BioParent. Whether the SK is resident or a visitor.
Continually investing in cogetating why an X or a SKid does what they do is exhausting and detrimental to our own quality of life. What they do is far easier to deal with.
BioDad's are at a huge disadvantage. Even with that disadvantage I think that holding the opposition accountable to compliance with the CO and parenting the kids when the kids are present to the BioDad's standards is critical. More critical is that the BioDad has clear standards. Following a CO is not that complicated. Forcing the opposition to follow it is where the challenges come in. As an NCP that is a much more daunting proposition than it is for a CP. When the court bias in favor of BMs comes in, as a man not tying a knot in it at puberty becomes a potentially life long regret for men who fall into the 50% failed marriage demographic.
Our situation had a bit of an odd bias caveat to it. The court of record was in SpermLand where bio paternal grandma was heavily networked into the legal community. She had a cleaning business that focused heavily on housekeeping for offices of law offices and judges offices. DW was awarded full physical and legal when she filed a paternity motion against BioDad before SS turned 1yo. No visitation was requested or awarded. She left the state with SS on her hip for university a few weeks after his 1st B-day. When the small town grapevine returned to bio paternal grandma that DW was dating someone, she immediatley filed a custody motion (forging BioDad's name) to take SS from DW. That set the map for the next 16 years of our lives. The courts clearly wanted to apply bias in favor of the local party (BioDad) but the inherrent bias in favor of BMs countered that which IMHO pretty much set the scale based mostly if not only on the merits of the case. DW could have changec venue to Texas when SS had been resident for 6mos which would have likely increased SS by 10X. Though it would also have likely increased visitaiton by nearly 3X. So, we kept the case in SpermLand.
I was fortunate to have escaped my failed marriage without issue. Had my XW and I had a child, I shudder to consider the shit storm that would have forced me to live.
Wow
You have quite the story. What I see is the investment of YEARS, DECADES, it takes to smooth things out.
3 decades and counting... so far.
The last two years have been challenging as SS-32 is struggling with some mental health issues so he drops out for extended periods of time and only rarely checks in. DW and I bug the crap out of him until he calls to check in. Then... months go by.
He works, then he locks himself away in his apartment with his demanding cat and claims to have online friendships with his gaming crowd who has never met IRL. He is in the military so fortunately he has a legal obligation to serve per his contract and the entire system he works within is designed to hold him accountable. In that realm, we are relieved that he is not in a situationw here he can cause himself major damage professionally. At least so far.
We balance between our own mental health as it relates to our son, and living our best lives together.
It is mostly very positive but when it comes to our adult son, it is challenging.
Unfortunately, there is no best practice SParent manual.
Even if there was one, and though best practices work everywhere, they have to be localized to be optimal in any given situation.
Even the "experts" offer little more than opinion if anything. Everyone knows the addage about opinions.
This is proven by the disparate experiences that countless STalkers have had with therapists or counselors of any flavor.
Though there have been a couple of times that I was questioning what the hell have I done, I would not not change a thing about remarrying,being a SParent.=m etc... Other than some things I would change about how I acted. Ceteris paribus. If, I had the same bride, and the same kid to do it all over again with from day one.
That said, I think the basics are pretty clear. They are not significantly different than the basics that IMHO should be present in any marriage or any family. Commitment, mutual respect, equity partnership, being equity parents, holding ourselves, each other, and any kids to reasonable standards of behavior and performance, setting and defending boundaries with anyone that interfaces with the family.
Anything to do with people is inherently complicated. Simplifying the interfaces minimizes the complication that people represent. That keeps the complication within the person and focuses on only allowing compliant behaviors to transition across the interfaces. Recognizing feelings and tolerating related unacceptable behaviors are two very different things. We cannot tell others what to feel, or what to think, but we can absolutely stop their feelings and thoughts from adversely impacting our lives, relationships, home, and family. They have a right to their feelings, and their thoughts. There is no right for others to accept or tolerate the results of those feelings, thoughts, or related behaviors. The key is clear standards and immediate applications of consequences when necessary.
IMHO of course.
Great Insight... anything you
Great Insight... anything you do with people is inherently difficult. The more people.. the more likelihood there are going to be complications.. so steplife is automatically hamstrung by that.. there is at minimum one stepkid.. even if the other bio parent is missing.. then the accessory family members of your partner..and then if bio parent is present.. them and THEIR accessory families... shew..
Too true. All of ^^^^ this.
I think that reasonable has to be mandated and anything less entirely not tolerated for SParents regarding their marriage, and their SKids. Of course that mandate is also on the SParent.
Maybe this is my inner control freak speaking. Though IMHO it is not about control, it is about consistency which drives stability.
If a marital retread cannot or does not keep their X in their place, that person is far more likely than not a poor choice as a mate. Far too many who are divorced from an X that they share children with still ascribe some mythical status to that X. As the mother or father of their children. IMHO a SParent cannot ever tolerate the X of their mate not being firmly kept in their place with interface with our mate being very limited and very structured with clear boundaries. If the X oversteps, the X is addressed instantly and as agressively as necessary to keep them in their place and give them the message that to our mate, to us, and to our home and family, they do not matter.
Doing that in a manner that recognizes that X as a BP to our SKids and not expressing disdain for them is the challenge.
"You do not matter. Stay in your lane." followed by a proverbial blap to the head with a rolled up copy of the CO does that very effectively. It can be done without the SKids being put in the middle by the SParent and the SParent's mate. If the X puts the kids in the middle, then the frequency of the rolled up CO smack and the firmness of the X being put in their place has to match accordingly.
Wirehead engineeric brain at work. Measure the circuit, identify the fault, adjust. Lather.... rinse... repeat. Yes, we are talking about people systems. However, in the scheme of things, the X is just another divice to be adjusted when necessary. As are the SKids and the SParent's mate. Recognizing that some times the SParent needs to troubleshoot and adjust themselves.
Preach!
You capitalized the absolutely right spot in you sharing of experience and wisdom.
WE DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ENDLESSLY ON TRIAL AND HELD TO AN IMPOSSIBLE STANDARD WHEN THEY THEMSELVES HAVE NEVER EVEN TRIED TO MEET YOU HALFWAY.
It is the SParent that is "endlessly on trial" when the prior breeder who brings the baggage, and the ill behaved baggage are never tried when it is them that should stand trial and be sentenced to appropriate consequences. The toxic opposition is tried even less frequently than the prior breeder and spawn that the SParent takes on are tried.
For some reason the failed prior family breeder rarely recognizes fault though they go all in on the guilt. Of course the spawn product of what is far too often a coupling of two shallow and polluted gene pools will never be recognized as what they are. Other than by the SParent who is continually tortured by the far too often delusional prior breeder and tortured even worse by kids that clearly should have never even been created in the first place. Sadly, if all parents were required to get certified in basic standards, nearly all of this crap could be avoided and SParents would not be the backstabbed scape goats for things we did not cause, are not our fault, and that we should never have had to tolerate for one micro-second.
Occassionally, one of the kids escapes the tides of their gene pool. Though those are truly the Unicorns. When that does happen it is nearly invariably due to adults who set solid examples of a respectful relationship, high character, responsible adulthood, and faise that kid with clear and enforced standards of behavior and standards of performance.
I could not imagine being 20yrs in and only then having my mate pull their own head out of their ass regardling the crap spawn they created, facilitated, and tolerated. You are far more patient than I could ever be.
Not by design by any means. DW and I synched very well from as close to moment one as you can get. 31+ years in DW and I have remarkably been at least in the same book if nto the same page, occassionally the same paragraph, and even not infrequently on the same sentence.
Of course mental illness is a wildcard that can crop up making it all that much worse. Even when things are overwhelmingly good. We are struggling with this with our kid right now. He is working through depression, anxiety and some relationship PTSD that has him rocked back on his heels. He is working with a Psych (ologist) & (iatrist). We are struggling with how to be supportive while not tolerating him going full seclusion in his life beyond work.
Becoming a parent truly is the only permanent choice anyone can make in life. The key is to not fail at it and to not tolerate those in our lifes to fail at it.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you. IMHO it is never too late, nor is it ever too early, to live your best life in spite of the Klingons that fight you all of the way.
thank you
It's good to know, others share my experience. Thank you, Rags, for your wealtth of understanding. I wish you WOULD write a book or host a podcast. Your words on this subject are gold.
Do you know me? LOL
I thought you were describing me - with one exception that I'm with a widower. I was very much ready to go down that path, straight into hell in a hand basket, but thankfully I listened to my body and my brain that started absolutely screeching at me and implemented a hard disengage, remaining in my house, and I'm determined to keep it so.
The SO has moved a lot closer, which means we can see each other multiple times a week.
Your post and similar posts by others periodically bring me back to reality when I start getting carried away by romantic ideas of living together. So, thank you.
I am that problem solver that loved the adrenaline rush and the validation of working with and connecting well with some of the society's most damaged (and at times-very dangerous) young people. I did have a lovely connection with almost all of them and saw glimmers of kindness in the most toughened souls. My personal gain in this was a quiet reassurance that perhaps the world isn't so bad, not as bad as I had experienced it in the first three decades of my life.
The difference was, as I realised, I did not have to live with any of these people, and they did not have access to my home. All contact was in a very much controlled and safe work environment. Whatever happened, I was always safe in the knowledge that once my day is over, I'll get in the car and disappear. It is not so with severely damaged, mentally unstable and aggressive young people in your personal life, and things made more complex by other parties that you also happen to be in love with (i.e., your SO). And while they've never directed any vitriol towards me, I prefer to have them stay in my SO's house, where they can trash and cause damage, and my SO losing his mind at them one minute and pandering to them the next. At least I don't have to see any of it, and my home is still lovely and peaceful.