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I need advice, pronto.

Brizapirate's picture

Alright, I don't know if I'm even in the right topic but here goes.
My fiance's ex pretty much played him. She wanted a baby when they met and purposely got pregnant about 3 months into their relationship. She's bat-s**t crazy and they were on the verge of breaking up when she found out she was expecting. My fiancé (being the wonderful man he is ) asked her to marry him (for the sake of their child) and worked 12 hour shifts each day to support her. She broke it off with him short,y after the baby was born and tried moving to Washington with the kid. My fiancé filed a custody lawsuit against her and she was nt allowed to leave the state. She wouldn't let him even see the baby at all, claiming "she didn't know what he might try to do". I might also mention that my fiancé is very down to earth and not threatening whatsoever. Long story short, when the baby was three months old I started dating my fiancé, and we just got engaged a few months ago (kid is now 1 1/2) the judge let baby mama move to Washington and we decided to move too. We are now up in Seattle and get to see him every other weekend.

His ex has completely screwed with my head. The first time I met her, she said "I'm not as crazy as everyone says I am. But you're not a parent so you just don't understand." The baby absolutely loves me, and to be honest, he gets more upset when I leave a room than hen his dad does. He feels like my kid and I treat him as such. But I am so insecure about what she said. I want children of my own very badly, but I feel like she took something away from me by having a baby with a man she didn't care about. Obviously I know that when we have children, my fiance will be a great dad because he already is. But now, I will never get to have his first born child. I feel like the excitement won't be the same, and I'm SO resentful towards his ex for taking that from us. I've never felt any resentment towards the child. Since she's so off her rocker, I know that she is just using the leverage that she has had a baby and I haven't, simply to get under my skin. As the child gets older I feel like I will never measure up, and that kills me.

Can anyone relate? Any words of comfort or advice? :?

ownedbypedro's picture

I feel that your concerns are justified. I also think that, given the fact that your fiance sounds like a man who is not a jerk, you will find that he will be over the moon happy and excited to have a baby with YOU, his WIFE, the woman he LOVES.
Remember, he has not experienced that yet.

That said, it is entirely possible that you will feel an immediate difference between your love for your step son and your love for your biological child. That is NORMAL. Don't let it flip you out!

Frustr8d1's picture

I totally relate and I agree that your concerns are justified. I always felt that BM took away that experience from me of having DH's first born. I also felt they would share something that I didn't share with DH. I feel they share and care about a person who I really don't like. Things got better when DH and I had our own baby together, but those fears and feelings don't seem to go away for me. Unfortunately. Sad

icecubenow's picture

It will also help you if you stay true to yourself....always, always, always. Don't take to heart the weird, sometimes hurtful comments that may be slung your way by your skid. When your kids begin to talk and walk, they make mistakes. You forgive and reteach the correct way to take steps and form words/sentences. Same thing with a skid.

The very first moment you detect something is changing with your skid, reteach him what you expect. And do NOT compromise what you believe in. Throughout the years, your skid may experience PAS from BM. Please do yourself a favor and ignore it. With the BM in my world, she tried and tried everything (and I mean everything) to split DH and I up. It didn't work. Things throughout the years have been some of the most painful things I have ever had to deal with. I never, EVER responded to her. But, BM did, eventually, fade out of our conversations. It took years, but it did happen.

My point is...since you're just beginning in this...do NOT let anything in this world change who you are.

hereiam's picture

You are giving her way too much power. How can someone else diminish the joy of having your own child? Your first child with your fiance is still your first child together. The excitement will be even better because you are in love and are a family. You will have that solid foundation that he and his ex did not have.

His ex did not TAKE anything from you, she did not get pregnant all by herself. Yes, she will always use the kid as leverage but she will only have as much power as you and your fiance give her. Don't let the petty things she says get to you, that's what she wants. It is WHY she says them. Understanding this helps to disregard them.

She is in your life, nothing you can do about that. Get her out of your head. I know it's not easy. Continue to be the best person you can be, to your fiance, to your stepchild, and to yourself. You certainly don't need to "measure up" to her. Limit your contact with her if that's what it takes.

Also, I think you need to deal with the resentment, as I think some of it might be misplaced. Is there any chance you also resent your fiance (even a little?) but don't realize it or want to admit it? He is the one who got her pregnant. Forgive him and let it go or it will definitely seep into other areas.

I do not have children and it has never bothered me that another woman has had a child with my husband. I know he loves me, and is with me because of that love, not because I had his child.

Rags's picture

I can relate from the guy perspective. My wife had our son (my SS-20) when she was 16yo. We met when SS was 1yo and my DW has recently turned 18. We married shortly before SS turned 2yo. I am not his biodad but he is my son just as you indicate that your SS is your son. And ...... your son is YOUR son. You are the only REAL mother he has since no psycho manipulative POS BioParent can be a REAL parent. So take comfort in the FACT that YOU are his only REAL mom. Just as my SS is MY son and I am his onoly REAL dad. A manopulative worthless POS can no be a real parent. Your SS's BM and my SS's BioDad fit this rule.

Also, you will have your DFs first child ... with you. Your first child will be his first child with the two of you together. Firsts can come in many configurations.

As for BM screwing with your head ... that is your choice to let her. So, stop letting her screw with your head. My SS's SpermIdiot has never stopped pinging the kid with questions of "Does your mom still love me...", etc... She just laughs her ass off any time that shit comes up. Get in her head instead of letting her take up space in yours. Yuor are you SS's real mom so start presenting the facts of your blended family situstion so that BM clearly gets that message. Do nto react to her, proactively lead her where you want her to go. Keep being a good mom to YOUR son (SS) and keep leading BM around by her swine snout ring rather than letting her play with you.

The beauty of this model is that baring the idiot asses of the blended family opposition gets easier and easier over tome and it can be sooooo much fun. I made baring the SpermIdiot's and SpermGrandMa's asses a sport and I got very good at that sport. The facts of their behavior, the CO and any supplemental local rules and state laws are the best tools for baring their idiot asses.

Good luck and have fun.