I feel for you. I am dealing with a 7 year old boy who I feel is behind where he should be. First child i have ever met to not have a single chore. He gets punished for misbehaving and still gets desserts/snacks. His mother still treats him like hes 3. His father my husband seems to not want to be the bad guy as he nears the age he can say he wants to go to mom or dads. The kid gets gets gets with no responsibility or respect and i worry everyday how it will continue as he gets older.
I too have gotten the he isnt ypur responsibility comments. Yet i find it a tough place to be. Distance yourself, make a spouse angry. Voice your opinion you disagree with something, make an angry spouse... Never a win win. Im right beside you in the frustrated boat.

Bottom line is you and your spouse are supposed to be partners, on the same team, us against the world!! The fact that she undermines you in front of them is not cool! That's not cool for a spouse to do in front of anybody. I think you're fine and doing a good job with teaching them to be responsible. Not ripping on your wife but I think she is the problem. And the fact that your marriage could fall apart over this should be a huge red flag to her! You are not nor will you ever be an equal partner and that's really sad because it sounds like you were excited about your new role. This is REEEEEALY personal and you don't need to answer but, if you take the kids out of the equation, how is your marriage? Do you communicate? Do you really enjoy each other when it's date night. Do you connect on many levels?

PS Our parenting styles sound identical! Mine and your, not mine and your wife's!

"So far she has driven a wedge between my stepson and I by contradicting me in front of him, by defending his actions to me in front of him, and by responding on his behalf when I ask questions directly to him. As a result, he now seeks her out and no longer engages me. The kicker is that my wife is now complaining that him and I have no real relationship."

I can relate to this. Add on not correcting SD10 (when she was 8 ) about lying to her mother and saying I spanked her and that we denied phone calls. And he wonders why I'm not all gung-ho about getting close again. We (SD and I) were close before, but that changed after the false abuse allegations.

My DH also thinks I'm too harsh on the kids--I have structured consistency and I'm firm, yet loving and supportive and praise up the wazoo. He now handles SD fully and I handle my BD6. It has been hard for me to step out of that role, as I was originally in more of a parental role with SD. I've disengaged from any decisions, advice, and I don't do anything for SD that I wouldn't do for my own child at that age. It has helped. The frustration is gone from being asked for opinions, offering information, etc, and then either being ignored, or worse, getting backlash.

My advice to you, OP, is to disengage from the areas which cause you grief. And FFS, put an end to the teen driving the brand new car to school! That is ridiculous!

Does your wife expect (or want) you to take a parental role? Because it sounds like there's a disconnect there - you thought you were going to be a parent, she didn't. Or maybe she actually wanted you to be a Disney Dad, I don't know. But it's clear you're not on the same page as to what your role is, and I think you guys need to hash that out if you want to continue your marriage. Just remember that they ARE her kids, so if she doesn't want you to be a parent then you really can't. If she DOES want you to be a parent, then she's got to back that up by giving you the moral authority to be one - and that means you can dole out consequences (like "we're not paying for that cell phone any more") the same as she can and she has to back you up. But again, if that's not the role she wants you to have with her kids, then you have to back off the parenting and leave her to do it her way. Yes, even if you could do it better.

Sorry to hear this mistermike. I truly sympathize. I love my wife dearly but one too many swipes at me in front of her son has made it very clear to me that she doesn't consider me as an equal partner in raising her son. I have two bios with my wife and it is VERY different. We are a good team when it comes to raising my bios. My SS however, I truly think he is a lost cause because where I think he needs discipline and more responsibilities, DW believes he needs to be coddled and entitled more....Good luck to you.

Welcome to the wonderful world of partnering with a golden uterus. Fortunately my bride is not afflicted with that condition. We have raised SS-21 together since we married the week before he turned 2yo.

If you are an equity partner in your marriage then that makes you an equity partner to any children in your home regardless of their biology. It is time to clip the proverbial tongue out of your bride’s mouth. When she starts to shut you down when interfacing with your Skids then you give her the zip it hand signal, tell her that you are handling it and she can either zip it or step away.

Engage with the one who is still at home. Take him out for lunch over the weekend, engage with him on things he is interested in.

When your bride gets uncomfortable with being excluded inform her that her constantly running interference is what is responsible for the disconnect she wanted you to fix with the kids and she needs to back off so you can fix it. Then proceed to build what relationships with your Skids that YOU feel you should build.

Get ready, when SD-22 defaults on her school loans you and your bride will be battling over that big time. I would for sure not put my signature on any more school loans were I you. That is for damned sure.

IMHO

Good luck.

Mistermike and drac0, my story is exactly the same as yours. After 4 years, I too am realising I will never be an equal partner in the parenting stakes. I have come to learn that I am supposed to celebrate all of SS7s accomplishments and shout from the treetops when he displays good behaviour. But god help me if I ever acknowledge poor behaviour, manners or god willing, suggest consequences for these. My SS7 is currently on a behaviour plan at school, since he lacks any guidance, boundaries or discipline at home. I am told the schools standards are too high and that it is probably the other kids fault. I give up at this point. Simply because I am sick and tired of being undermined and corrected in front of SS7. Funny thing is, DH and I have two bios and are on the exact same page there. Rules, expectations and consequences. But since SS7 is only shared care, parenting is out. When DH runs out of excuses, it always come back to 'but what do you expect me to do, he's only here half the time.' I'm preparing to walk too.

We cannot win as stepparents. If we try to be loving and kind we are accused of trying to steal the affection of the kids from the bioparent. If we step back and keep some distance we are chastised for being cold and not caring. In short, it is easier to blame us than to admit the fault lies within their own blood kin!

I would just cease trying to be a father or parental figure. Their mother will take the abuse because she probably feels guilt, and she will intervene always when stuff comes up between you and her kids because she needs to prove both to herself and them that she is loyal to them first.

I have learned to stay out of the way. I leave them to their madness.

My husband has changed a bit after several years of pointing out the insanity of his behavior, but he still falls into the same patterns with great ease. I make the most of our time together, and leave him to the madness.

Many people sadly live this story. The kids behavior comes down to the parents behavior. I am not even really angry at them, but i am more than angry at my spouse who is supposed to be the adult role-model preparing them for a world that does not think they are priceless jewels incapable of being anything but flawless.

Best of luck!!!!!!!