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Frustrated w. SS12 - I'm the EVIL SM

icehockey101's picture

Submitted by icehockey101 on Wed, 09/07/2011 - 8:46pm

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Parenting Issues

DH and I have been together for almost 8 years, married for 3. Up until now, his boys lived with their moms out of state. SS18 rarely visited because his mom wouldn't let him. SS12 was on a vistitation schedule of every other holiday and all summer (we live 2000 miles away from his BM). This worked fairly well - just when we started to have issues he was going back home. His BM always says mean things about me and everything is always my fault, so it is not hard to see why SS12 thinks this way too.

Well, last year he almost failed out of school to get his mom's attention. Around February, she decided that he could actually come live with us, so now we have him for school and he is at his mom's for holidays and summers. I dont know that I realized the severity of his behavior issues. He whines about everything. Any time he asks a question, it is always in a whining tone. I am so tired of saying "use your big boy voice" or "I can't understand whining". I really just want to smack him. In addition to that, the lying is almost non-stop. And he is a horrible liar. Inevitibly, when he gets in trouble for something, if I am the one who calls him on it, I am the evil stepmother. This morning I called him on something and he actually blamed me for doing it!!!

I am honestly at the point where I want nothing to do with him. He wants me to be the cool mom who does stuff with him, but then I get blamed for everything - totally not cool in my book. I feel very fortunate that DH is incredibly supportive of me, my disciplining SS12 when necessary, and him taking the brunt of the work with SS12 - especially when we are having rocky spots. But at the same time, I feel bad that DH has to do everything because SS12 is being a selfish brat.

Any suggestions of things that I can do to help improve my relationship with SS12 or to not have him always look at me like the evil stepmom?

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Thu, 09/08/2011 - 10:10am

Sigh! What you are up against is a lifetime of trianing and trying to de-cult him. It is all about retraining his brain.

Whining obviously worked in the past so it will continue. As for the lying .... just say "No, that is not the truth." See, I am sure kids learn their own understanding of lying and truth-telling via their upbringing. He may think that if you say it long enough it is true.

As for being the bad guy, so what? I will ALWAYS be the 'bad guy' to my own kids and my s/sons. I refuse to lower my standards for anyone. And kids will have more respect for you if you ARE the bad guy. They may hate oyu but they won't cross you.

Doubletakex3's picture

Submitted by Doubletakex3 on Sun, 09/11/2011 - 4:49pm

It sounds like the child has had a lot of big changes in his life. And, what worked for him before isn't working in his new environment. I agree that counseling may be a good option. Find someone who specializes in working with kids. When my SD16 came to live with us she had serious "center of the universe" disease. We (rather, me) tried to readjust her POV but that didn't go so well. Her school guidance counselor recommend a psychologist who was a godsend. He called her out on counter-productive behavior (including lying) and, most importantly, coached her on appropriate ways to handle situations. He taught her that my reactions to her attitude & behavior was not because i was her stepmom but because I'm an adult who expects her to act like a decent human being. And, anyone besides those who brought her into the world, would not put up with it. The objective assessment and input made all the difference. She's turned into a lovely young woman (27 now) thanks to the professional course correction.