My marriage is on the rocks
I have 2 full time stepsons. L is 8 and M is 5. L isn't so bad. He's obnoxious and I believe suffers from ADD/ADHD of some sort but he's a lot easier to handle. M (5 year old) is just flat out the most annoying, frustrating kid I've ever been around. Their mother gave up custody before my husband and I were married. So yes, I knew they would be here 90% of the time when we got together but I never dreamed it would be this awful. The 5 year old has something seriously wrong with him. He can't hold a conversation, meaning everything he says never makes sense. You ask him a simple question and it's like he can't figure out how to answer it. He never can do what he is supposed to. If he's doing something he isn't supposed to, and is told to stop...it takes about 7 times and then screaming at him before he finally snaps out of it and stops. He can't listen to anyone when he's told to do anything. I get tired of telling him the same things over and over again. He pees and poops in his pants often, which is my job to clean up of course. He lines up everything, including food. Only has one volume which is LOUD! He causes so many problems with my husband and I. My husband says I hate him and I don't treat him like I do our girls (we have a 2 year old and a 4 month old). And he's right. I don't. Don't mistreat the 5 year old but he is impossible to deal with. I truly believe he has ODD, autism, ADD/ADHD and who knows what else. His lovely BM took narcotics, smoked, and drank while he was in her womb which can all lead to all kinds of problems with behavior and learning and so on. Everyone that meets the kid tells me something is wrong with him. My husband refuses to admit it. I get it. I would be upset if something were wrong with one of my girls but I would think eventually I would seek help to benefit them. He's starting kindergarten in August and will have to ride the bus and it terrifies me at the thought. He is the type of kid who has to be told every 10 seconds how to behave and what teacher/bus driver can do that all day? They have other kids to handle right? I try to be nice to him but it's impossible. I can't stand the kid. He's always mean to his sister (my daughter), and he's just flat out annoying. I hate the fact that I feel like I hate him. I can't stand being in the same room as him. The only time I'm happy to be home is when he's at his mothers for the weekend and that is never long enough! I even took a job when I didn't have to so I didn't have to be around him all day. I pick up shifts on the Saturdays he is here so I don't have to be home when he's here. All my husband does is yell and scream at him and then that turns into a fight with me. The boy doesn't respond to any type of discipline which leads to more frustration from my husband. I am miserable beyond miserable. My husband and I can't even have a conversation without him interrupting the entire time. He's always knocking on walls, doors, toys, etc. the kid isn't happy unless he's making noise. He's doing it now as I type this. I know this post is all over the place but I am just pissed off. The kid is as dumb as a rock and he is causing so many problems in my marriage. I hate that he's here all the time, I hate that I can't ever get onto him without my husband yelling at me. I have to let the kid do whatever he wants which isn't fair because I make my toddler behave and she's only 2. She listens, behaves, and is smarter than him which is really sad. I love my husband but I hate my life. I hate him for having kids with a drug addict causing me to have to deal with his son and his problems. I feel horrible saying I hate a child but sometimes it feels he knows what he's doing and gets pleasure out of getting in trouble. I am at my wits end and just need someone out there who feels me!!
I feel I should add that part
I feel I should add that part of my frustration with his behavior is because it's so bad that my girls end up missing out on a lot of stuff. We can't take a vacation, go out to dinner (we only go when he is gone to his moms), we can't do a lot of things most families do because he makes it so miserable. The zoo trip we took last year was the worst mistake ever. Even his older brother said "I hated going to the zoo with M. He ruins everything because he's so bad and obnoxious." That made me sad. I hate I don't even want to be a stay at home mom anymore and miss out on my girls lives because I would rather work than be home with him. I'm just hoping once he starts school, the school will intervene and recommend testing of some sort because he clearly isn't right! I'm counting down until he starts school!
His pediatrician recommended
His pediatrician recommended that we take him to this children's therapy center where they specialize in disorders and autism and other things. My husband says he thinks he is just really strong willed and that's why he acts the way he does. Of course the BM denies it all because she knows she took drugs while pregnant and if something is wrong, it could very well be because of her actions. But the boy just isn't smart. I've tried working with him with flash cards so he can learn colors, alphabet, and numbers and he can't take any of it in. My 2 year old knows it all! DH thinks the only reason I say something is off is because "I hate him and am picking on him." Not the case. Ya I don't care to be around SS but if something is wrong and is getting help will benefit, it's all I want to do for him! I just am at my wits end! I'm so glad I found this site to vent!
He was in preschool but my
He was in preschool but my husband is in oil and gas and we all know how that industry is going right now with jobs. We took him out for the time being because of $. DH reasoning is that if I'm not going to put my girls in daycare, why should SS5 have to go if I'm home. SS5 had a lot of behavior issues when he was in preschool. . He was always in the office, corner, etc. the teacher is who recommended us to get him evaluated and that's when we spoke to the pediatrician. He even got In trouble multiple days for throwing tables and chairs!!! He knows I don't want to deal with him all day and that is what causes a lot of problems with us. It's just a mess! But being as my DH is home with him all day and dealing with all of his problems...he is always in a bad mood when I come home. I don't see how he doesn't understand why I would want to deal with him all day if he can barely handle him and it's his own child! Before I was a stay at home mom we put him in preschool and DH said he would only go during the school year so summer months meant he was mine to deal with. I couldn't handle it so I got a job just so on my days off during the week, I could spend them with my girls (my mother keeps them while I work when my DH was working.) she told us she wasn't trying to be ugly but she wouldn't be able to keep SS5 because he is too much to handle. DH even admitted he wouldn't want my mom to have to deal with him all day. But yet I'm expected to...?!?
My husband says he thinks he
My husband says he thinks he is just really strong willed and that's why he acts the way he does.
Strong willed this child may be. But, your husband is hiding his head in the sand if he doesn't do something now. Does your DH think that someday this child will be magically less strong willed? What does he think will happen as this child ages?
Kindergarten is in the fall. Make your stand now let DH deal with the school from the start. Don't start dealing with the teacher. School/ teacher/ principal call your husband and or email him. The calls and emails are going to start quickly. It needs to be his problem for him to deal with. He needs to hear it directly from them. You do not need to be in the middle. He is never going to believe what you tell him they said.
(Here there is a kindergarten pre screen and the problems you describe would be caught then. They set up a pre screen appointment when you register the child for kindergarten. If your area has a pre screen let DH take the child to the appointment.)
DH needs to deal with his strong willed child. Child needs to be patented. If DH is not successful in parenting he needs to go to the center the pediatrician recommended and learn some techniques that will work. DH needs to face reality.
I couldn't agree with you
I couldn't agree with you more. I know for a fact as soon as school starts, the phone will be ringing. He was always in trouble at daycare...constantly. Even for things such as throwing tables and chairs! His teacher there recommended he be screened and that's when we went to the pediatrician. I told DH it's best to get him help now before school starts so if needed, he can be in a special program or get the attention he needs in school and not fall behind. I've learned that it's best to keep my mouth shut when it comes to SS5 And his issues but it's still frustrating beyond all get out having to deal with it daily while DH just sees it as him being a kid. SS8 and our DD2 doesn't act that way and never has so I don't see how he thinks this is typical child behavior. I honestly feel if we don't get a handle on it now, he's going to be a kid constantly coming home with detentions, suspensions, trouble with the law, etc. he doesn't follow rules so why would he follow laws? It's just scary and a lot to deal with. I hate always being in a bad mood and not getting to enjoy my girls that I am over the moon about. It isn't fair to them either :/
I do have compassion for him.
I do have compassion for him. I know it isn't his fault he has these problems. What is frustrating is how DH handles it. How he refuses to do anything about it but is always yelling at him and talks about how frustrating he is and so on. When it all could be handled easier if we got him help. I'm never ugly to him or mistreat him. But I have trouble wanting to be around him because he makes everyone in the home miserable. I guess I resent my DH more because of his denial. I feel awful not liking a child but this is a tough situation to deal with day in and day out.
Lord I can only hope! Thanks
Lord I can only hope! Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for the feedback. I guess I just have to learn to be patient and countdown the days until kindergarten! Lol
I agree with everything echo
I agree with everything echo has said.
My goodness, this is heartbreaking. It's an unfortunate circumstance that his mother used drugs while she was pregnant. This young boy needs a lot of compassion, patience, and love, aside from evaluations and therapy.
Do you realize how many times
Do you realize how many times you wrote “hate” in your post? A LOT.
Honestly, IMHO, I think you should move. No 5 years old needs to live with someone that has such distain for him. I am sure he knows it and maybe that is some of the problem….?
I am not knocking you, because I had the same distain for my SS. But I would have never lived in the same house as him when I felt that way. You may need to think about all of the kids at this point. 5 year old is miserable, SM is miserable, dad is miserable. Not a great house to raise kids in. The steps or the bios.
Maybe you can find a close house and live in it until DH gets the 5 year old straightened out?
She has to clean the shi*
She has to clean the shi* pants because that is the price she pays to be a SAHM with their bios. I'd get a job.
He really should be
He really should be evaluated. Where we are, the school will conduct the evaluations, and he will be placed in special classes that will help him be successful in school. On a regular school bus, he could be kicked off for poor behavior. With special education, even bus drivers will be prepared to handle poor behavior. He also could have qualified for free specialized preschool.
If your DH is in denial, then the son may need to "fail" in school in the fall before he realizes the boy needs help. It's sad because the child could be getting help sooner rather than later, and it would make your life easier. This is definitely on your DH for not trying to help his own son. The older they get without help, the harder it will be. The boy's brain is wired differently, and needs help.
I have a 5 year old son with ADHD, and he is in specialized preschool, and is in the process of being evaluated to see what level of services he will qualify for in kindergarten. I love my son, but he can be very difficult, and emotionally draining at times. I can't imagine handling a child who is not your own with even worse behaviors.
Thanks for your feedback! I
Thanks for your feedback! I know if it was my own girls, it would be a little easier because they are my bio kids! That's what a lot of people don't understand. With your own children, you have more patience! Granted, I shouldn't dislike the kid but it makes it very hard for me to enjoy being in my own home when he is here. Here the elementary has them come in for ore screening a few weeks before school is scheduled to start to kind of see where they are. I don't know if it's just academically or what but I know they go over the results and some of it is like how many letters out of the alphabet they know, numbers, can they write anything etc. but I would think there would be something on it to factor signs of learning disabilities and so on. I don't want him to start kindergarten in a regular class and have trouble from the start. I truly believe him succeeding relies on him being in a special setting of some sort. If we have to ask him 7 times and yell before he actually does what he's told, I know it's going to be even more difficult on the teacher. I had a friend who her nephew got kicked out of kindergarten for behavior like my SS5. I just hope DH will realize it before that happens to SS.