advise

mystical123's picture

I left the matrimonial house 10 days ago 

although I love my husband, and I know his 17 Y/O daughter is going through a tough time in this pandemic which is causing her to act out, but I ran out of patience and tolerance when one of their frequent arguments turned physical. she had attacked him and he had responded by forcing her to her room and shutting the door, bruising her arm in the process.

All this occured while I was on a work video call, with an audience of around 10 people, who heard it all. I felt ashamed and violated.

I asked him to leave the house and not come back until they had talked about it and sorted it over phone and cooled off. he did come back a week later and they are on good terms, but it never went back to normal for me. I got restless and intolerant of arguments and sensitive to noise. little things like her sleeping on the sofa rather than her room started to make me restless. I just packed a few clothing items in my gym bag and left.

although I am financially capable of sponsoring myself and the baby on the way if this is really the end as thankfully I stayed employed, but I am uncertain as to what I am to do going from here.

I suspect that she has underlying mental health issues which haven't been diagnosed, and probably will never be addressed, at least not for a long time to come. I dont know if it is fair for me to sign up for years of exposure to this. at the same time, I feel so defeated that my marriage may actually have truly ended, just like that, due to something I have no fault in. 

 

Rags's picture

IMHO

When that point arrives, it is time to just focus on confrontation of the toxic behaviors regardless of why the toxic person is making the choices of being toxic.  

It appears that you are beyond that point and are done with your SO, his daughter and their dynamic.

I feel for you in this toxic genetic soup bowl.  

Protect yourself, protect your baby. 

Good luck.

Thought-i-had-this's picture

You've made such a massive step, why don't you readjust your thoughts to the future and who you want to be? Maybe you will find answers about what to do next? Even if its just adjusting to life alone for now, getting ready for the baby....thats okay. Take time and trust life has a path for you. 

I think you made the right decision, if that kind of response was okay once, it may come out again and do you want shouting and violence around the baby? I'd be wary of his parenting if he can't control his anger to punish the child effectively. If marriage isn't over and you feel you could continue, counselling and living apart for sure will help.

tog redux's picture

You did the right thing - good for you for taking steps to get out of that toxic situation. Stay separated for a while and see if your husband's actions match his words if he says he will change the situation. Your H has an anger problem. The fact that YOU had to ask him to leave to protect HIS daughter speaks volumes. They both need therapy, separately and together. Don't go back until you see that he's done that.