Is it just me?
SD19 makes me so mad and now everything feels like an issue to me. She's dating a guy 10 years older than she is and in jail. Before he went to jail she was never around because they were off running around. Now she's here all the time but once the bf gets out of jail she will be gone again because he is not allowed in our home. So basically we are just someplace for her to stay while he's in jail. I feel used because she has really nothing to do with me and the only time she wants anything to do with her dad is when she needs something. She works part time maybe three days a week. The rest of the time she's in her bed or eating. Here's where the anger comes in. She does not care that she is not the one buying the food and drinks, eats all the time and doesn't save anything for anyone. I don't even want to buy groceries because she acts like she has never eaten when anything new is bought. On top of that I've noticed my hair products being moved. I'll be damned if she isn't using my shit!! Like I said she has a part time job. Buy. Your. Own!! Nothing feels sacred anymore like I can't have anything because she takes it over. She all of a sudden started drinking coffee. I am the only one in the house who drinks it. So what does she do all day while I'm at work? Drinks all of MY coffee. I work 40 hours a week and barely have anything left over after bills and groceries. It pisses me off when she had a full time job then quit because she didn't like it. Had a full time job opportunity but couldn't pass a drug test so she didn't get it. So she sits around all day, can't even walk the damn dog while I'm at work. I'm just so over it. She is a mooch and freeloader and I am tired of her using up all of my stuff!! Am I a horrible person for feeling the way I do?
We are currently in my house
We are currently in my house so it would be them all going!! He said something about giving her a key and I told him I didn't want to because we both know she will be off running when he's out of jail. Our previous house she had a key and would come and go when she pleased to do laundry and eat and shower. I'm not having that here!!
She's 19, why the hell is she
She's 19, why the hell is she still depending on you for a place to stay? Yikes no way!!! Your SO is just enabling her. I had a fulltime job at 16 years old and by 18 I was on my own. I wasn't hanging out at my parent's making bad decisions. You have been more than kind to her it's time for her to go. No way in hell would I give her a key. This is your house you call the shots. If he wants to coddle his 19 year old adult daughter then he can get his own place and assume the position of a doormat while she comes and goes as she pleases.
Yes exactly my parents taught
Yes exactly my parents taught me to work for what I wanted and once I got a job I never asked them for money again. As far as giving her a key she can't be trusted and I won't have her showing up at her conviencience while we are at work to do whatever she pleases. We just recently had to move into this house which I have owned for 19 years. Not even a week after moving in she tried to sneak the much older boyfriend in, using her 11 year old sister and trying to use my 10 year daughter as accomplices. Luckily my daughter told me right away what was going on and I shut it down real quick!! I wanted her gone then but DH gave her "one last chance". She is paying her mom for a piece of junk car and the rest of her money goes to putting money on the bf's books so he can call her. That's what irritates me she is using us because she is wasting her money!!
You are being used, if she
You are being used, if she isn't going to college she has no reason to be working only part time. I'd hide my products and stop buying groceries. If you are paying for anything that makes lounging around the house comfortable stop cancel the cable/Netflix/Hulu. If anyone gets an attitude tell them you are budgeting to save for XYZ super expense thing in the house that needs to be repaired/replaced.
She can't hold a good full
She can't hold a good full time job she can't pass a drug test, which is a WHOLE other issue I have with her. I feel petty hiding stuff from her so she can't use it but dang! Nothing is sacred with her around she thinks everything is hers!! She doesn't have access to any of my Netflix or Hulu accounts she watches dvds in her room or her phone that her mom pays for so I can't cut her off with that stuff but there has to be a way to make things harder on her. I have suggested either a weekly or monthly "rent" amount. Or hand her the light bill and say here this is your responsibility this month!!
You hold all the cards here
You hold all the cards here since your man and his nasty, freeloading cuckoo daughter are in your house. She is an adult, and in any case, you owe her nothing. Tell her that she has a a month to organise herself somewhere else to stay and at the end of that time, boot her and her belongings out, if she is not already gone.
Once the bf gets out of jail
Once the bf gets out of jail which might be early September she will be gone, if she doesn't have a car by then she will run the streets with his like she did before he went in and if she does have a car she will be off running around with him. It's at that point DH and I need to make it crystal clear if that's what she BM chooses to do she takes her stuff with her and no coming back for showers laundry or food. I said it before when she was doing that, our house is not the holiday inn. She can go to her moms for the free stuff at that point!!
Yep, out she goes and locks
Yep, out she goes and locks are changed. If she wants to live there as an adult, she follows rules and pays rent.
I'm guessing your DH won't go for that though, right?
At this point no he won't he
At this point no he won't he's being way too easy on her which only enables her to keep freeloading. I've asked him several times to talk to her about taking stuff to use as her own that isn't hers, like the younger kids' charge cords, she takes off with them because she won't buy her own. So what does DH do, he buys her one to "make her stop taking the other kids'". How about tell her if it doesn't belong to her she doesn't touch it? As far as paying rent I've mentioned it and he makes excuses for her, oh her checks are going to her mom for a car. Well what about the money she's putting out for boyfriend so he can call her while he's in jail?
His mom has told him several times not to let her do the stuff she's doing and he got defensive the last time, saying to her that she wouldn't have made him live on the streets and it's not that easy to just make her leave. So let's make life easy on her so she doesn't want to leave!! SMDH!!!
If three adults live in that
If three adults live in that house, then three adults contribute to it if she's not in school. That can take the form of financial contribution, household chores, or a combination. It's simple math.
WTH is wrong with your BF that he thinks her behavior is ok? Or is it just easier ON HIM to let her run wild than set limits and expectations?
That's a very good question!!
That's a very good question!! You know it's one thing if they are working and trying to help and doing the right things but with her choices in the past, and her present actions it infuriates me!! So instead of push her to do better he allows her to act this way. When she was younger she chose to live with her mom and then something happened right before she graduated high school and she came to live with us. I don't know if him being easy on her is because she didn't live with him for so long so now he babies and coddles her? It's on my nerves I know that much!!
OK, I'm just going to say
OK, I'm just going to say this here, but do you know how many true crime stories I heard on ID Discovery where there is a low-life daughter or step-daughter living at home basically doing nada and either a equally low-life man living with his folks or in the same home, or in jail just waiting to get out, and together they come with a way to get mom/ stepmom's or dad/ stepdad's money so they can run off and be together the rest of their life. And, what does that scheme to get their parents' money entail? It entails robbery which usually "accidentally" turns into murder, with the daughter or SD setting it up while her man pulls the trigger.
I have seen so many of these true-life plot scenarios I can't even count. Every one of them has the same set-up, basically, where the freeloader is being pampered to the max. by the bio-parent(s), and then the freeloaders start to freak-out that it is going to all be taken away. Additionally, there are low expectations for their behavior, no boundaries. A step-parent in that situation is taking on way greater risk than they could ever imagine. Now, granted the odds of an adultolescent committing patricide or matricide or step- is very low, but if you have a whole group of young adults hanging about, not working, up to no good, probably smoking weed or worse, little to no boundaries, one or more incarcerated or having been incarcerated, the odds start to go up. It is not just finances or being used you have to worry about here.
I watch a lot of those shows
I watch a lot of those shows too and while I would like to think she is not capable of anything like that I'm sure most of the victims didn't think it would happen either. Believe me I have thought a lot about what people do when desperate for money when they have none, meaning the two of them. I do not leave anything of value out and tell my girls to hide their important stuff too. I do not trust her and I definitely don't trust him. She proved to me that she doesn't care about right or wrong when she is with him when she tried to sneak him into our home, where my daughters sleep. A 28 year old grown ass man trying to sneak into his 19 year old girlfriend's parents' house. I don't know how to make DH see what we are dealing with here.
If she tries that stunt again
If she tries that stunt again, call the cops before your eyes are open and wait for them to arrive.
Put locks on everything. The
Put locks on everything. The fridge, the food pantry, hygience products, etc....
A 19yo with a convict inmate BF is not anyone that should be in your home.
IMHO of course.
Minimize her comfort to the point she leaves.
Dare I ask? What's he in jail
Dare I ask? What's he in jail for?
Most of his record is alcohol
Most of his record is alcohol related, he's doing time now for probation violations and the new charge was resisting law enforcement and public intoxication. Which is why she got a public intoxication and minor consumption charge a few months ago.