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Rude stepkids

jen998's picture

Hi everyone - I’m 20 weeks pregnant and am dealing with some stepsons that have been mean and passive aggressive towards me ever since they had found out I was having a baby. They are 14 and 11. The 14 year old is the mastermind of the manipulation who we think had convinced the 11 year old to go against me. The 11 y/o is no angel and seems like he does not care about anyone except himself as well. This has been going on for about 2 months now. Here are some examples of things they had done….

-14 y/o would talk really loudly in his room (so that we can hear) about how he can stop spending time with his dads side of the family after 4 more years, counting down the days he turns 18.

-14 y/o used to love my cat, and now he would purposely talk about how much he hates the cat to get under my skin. He once dangled a cat toy in front of the cat and then threw it at his head. He also purposely ignores me in a very passive aggressive way, one in which I can’t exactly describe with words but if you saw it, you can feel the anger and tension. 

-the 11 y/o wrote a text to his mom about how he wishes my cat were slaughtered. And that him and his brother are being as passive aggressive as they can

 

They had problems before - 14 y/o always saying he hates people. And both of them never really acknowledge new people or say hi when someone comes in the house. The 11 y/o has also been mocking his dad for being more strict on him, and nothing seems to stick whenever he is told what to do. The 14 y/o is on another level when it comes to holding a grudge - will never talk about his emotions when something is bothering him and can stay locked up a whole entire day in his room for no reason.

The 3 friends I have who babysat for them all said they were the worst. 

 

The brothers did not always get along - in fact they seemed to hate each other a lot at points. The 14 y/o would terrorize his younger brother. I saw him pushing his brother off a chair head down once. And I saw the 14 y/o pretending to play fight and smacking his brother as hard as he can across the head while he had a smile on.

Now- the 14 y/o is pretending to be best friends with his brother to try to shut me out of the family and ignore me. Funny enough, he tried to be best friends with me this past summer in order to do the same thing to his brother (clearly, before I was pregnant).

A little bit more background on the kids - the go to a pretentious private school on the upper east side in NYC (which I hate and I think it’s doing them disservice and turning them less empathetic for others, especially people that are different). I had told the dad he should get them out of that school because they act like entitled brats and they need to see and learn to empathize with the real world, along with a lot of therapy and volunteer work. Also —the mom is extremely manipulative and narcissistic, so they kids take after her. I am unfortunately in love with a man who get manipulated year after year and I am working on toughening him up to stand up to all 3 of them (kids and her) when they are rude. 

I had convinced the dad to finally send them to their moms for a while until they can behave when they come back. The 14 year old had started seeing a therapist and I think the other kid should start too. 

I know kids change a lot year by year, but I am afraid these are not normal kids and they will simply harbor a toxic environment for my family. I have so much anxiety about raising a baby around these 2 — is it wrong for me to say they should stay with their mom for the near future because I do not see them improving anytime soon enough not to intoxicate our baby and family? 

I understand the dad will always love them and still have a relationship with the kids and I encourage him to see them often, I just do not think it's worth it for them to stay here and spread tension and hatred unto a household that is trying to simply live and be happy and teach a new baby good values. 

GoingWicked's picture

I'm dealing with the same thing, a very angry passive agressive stepdaughter.  I would insist on them not hurting the animals.  SD used to kick my cat, I went scary SM on her.  Not OK.  Luckily, she's pretty good to my kids.  I won't ever let her babysit, and I have to kind of coach my kids on how to deal with her and not take her example (she has borderline tendencies, but her parents won't force her into therapy).  I told my DH I can't live like this for the rest of my life, at 18 she needs to live with her mom full time, or I'm leaving.  She's welcome to visit as long as she's respectful, and he's welcome to see her outside our home, but she's not living with me.

tankh21's picture

I deal two rude teenage skid as well. They are 15 and 13. The 15 year old is the worst. BM is an ex stripper and a pathological liar and helps encourage these kids to behave like the entitled little snowflakes that they are. I can tell that it doesn't get any better with time because a leopard doesn't change it's spots. Do the skids come over for regular visitation?

jen998's picture

they are scheduled here every other WEEK including weekends. Dad gets half custody, which particularly sucks...

Rags's picture

An older brother pulling that shit with a younger brother in my family would have wished for a swim in an erupting volcano.  

Your DH needs to man up and protect his youngest from his evil eldest.