Teenage stepsons moving in fulltime
Apologies in this situation I am actually the BM - I have read/belonged to ST for 8 years though from back when my DH's sons were involved with us as a blended family and you guys are awesome so I was hoping for some impartial advice.
ExH and I have shared custody of BS14/BS15 for the 9 years we've been separated but out of the blue he has decided to sell his house and move 2 hours away. He hasn't really even discussed this with me, just assumed I'd take the boys fulltime which of course I will.
DH always knew that there was a chance that DS15 (16 in 3 months) would choose to live with us fulltime and we were having discussions around how he would cope with this if it eventuated. But he has been caught totally off-guard with the reality of both boys moving in fulltime probably within 2-3 months.
DH is a great husband to me but is really just a flatmate kind of guy when it comes to my sons - I've tried hard not to impose on him so cover 100% of their costs and care (although we own 50% of the house each). DH enjoys peace, quiet, tidiness etc so living with two teenage, testosterone filled stepsons would not be easy even though I try hard to keep them quiet, tidy, respectful etc. I know it is not easy for him but there is nothing I can do as this is the package I come with for another 4-5 years I guess.
I hardly ever go out for work/personal reasons unless I can co-ordinate it to be at a time that my boys are either at school or at their dads. So if I'm out, the house is empty for DH. But this came to a head on Sunday - DS14.5 was "meant" to be at his dad's on Sunday afternoon so I had organized to go for a walk with a friend. DH was originally going out for the day himself so if DS14 ended up hanging around at my home I wasn't worried as he could just chill on his own if need be. But as luck would have it DH's plans changed so he was home and then DS14 turned up home to hang out in his room for a couple of hours. As I wasn't there DH had it out with DS14 - "you are meant to be at our dad's, you need to go there" (exH just lives down the road so BS can bike there). BS kind of just said nothing and went and shut himself in his room to watch YouTube. So DH locked DS's bike in the shed for ignoring him.
So by the time I turn up DH is very upset that he unexpectedly got stuck home with BS and that BS had ignored him and not left the house as asked. BS is all confused and thinks he isn't causing any problems, he is just sitting in his room (he lives here 70% of the time anyway). And I am torn - understanding DH wants the house to himself but upset that BS can't just sit quietly in his bedroom if I am not here.
I can't see how we are going to cope with both boys here full-time for another 4-5 years. What can I do to make this possible for DH? I try hard not to ever go out unless a) DH is also out and b) BS's are planning to go out but as happened on Sunday their plans change. So do I need to change mine too?
Am I asking too much of DH or do we need to live separately for 4-5 years? I did offer to him to buy his share of our house (huge mortgage for me but whatever) so he can go buy an apartment or whatever but he thought this was a crazy idea.
Wahh - I'm just going crazy thinking I can't live on eggshells like this for several years. DH thinks I should demand exH to not move but I have no control of what he does.
ExH and I don't have an
ExH and I don't have an official custody order - we've always worked around his police roster (sigh another story in itself) which means I have the boys about 65% of the time.
I think partly this is my fault - in an effort to not burden DH when kids were younger (and actually needed "babysitting") I never ever left them alone with him but now that they are able to look after themselves (they turn 15 and 16 this year) I don't think it is completely unreasonable for me to go out occasionally (a walk or a girl's dinner) and leave the boys here in the same house with him? But he is used to either a) I am here and kids may or may not be here or b) I am not here and neither are kids. C) - which is kids and him are here but I am not has never come up in 8 entire years (apart from the odd situation where I was desperate and asked him and he helped out).
Your DH is acting like an
Your DH is acting like an immature moron. Who the hell does he think he is telling your son to leave..and then locking his bike up? I would've blasted him to the moon and back for that petty shit. He could've called you to deal with it instead.
If DH wasn't accepting the changes and acting like an immature jerk, I'd tell him to move the hell out. It's not like your Bio Sons can just up and move out.
Buy him out and tell him to go live his life. Your boys need you more than you need a selfish, inconsiderate jerk like your DH.
Ha. I read your post to my
Ha. I read your post to my BS-15 and he said that SS must have done something else ... or that DH is "just a d*ck." {Snort}
I'd consider raising your boys in your own space for the next few years. IMHO
Yeah this is unfortunately
Yeah this is unfortunately what it might end up having to be - living with someone else's teenagers is hard for anyone. Probably only doable if you are super easy going and/or have your own kids living there. His kids are grown and he loves a quiet, clean, tidy house. Probably even having me here is difficult let alone them!
gemini - i am not super easy
gemini - i am not super easy going and i dont have kids of my own living here. i also love a quiet, clean, tidy house, which i DONT have the luxury of having. and yet it IS doable. so dont fool yourself by trying to make excuses for your dh.
he is being an @$$. the kid lives there too, regardless of when he's *supposed* to be at his dad's. no reason why he couldn't be AT HOME. your dh waaaaaay overreacted.
we are missing part of the
we are missing part of the story here.. What did your son do to bring on that type of comment from DH?? Seem a bit out of the blue??? Not saying that it was called for in any situation, but something was going on with your son.
Your hubby wlll just have to suck it up for a fe years.
It probably does seem like
It probably does seem like there is more to this story but there really isn't - as I never ever normally go out what would happen usually is that BS14 would have shown up here unexpectedly and then I would have to steer him back to his dad's (as it is his dad's "time"). I feel bad for BS14 that I'm shoving him out of the house but I understand (from reading ST) that DH relies on the "alone time" to recharge. I hopefully do it in a way to not make it obvious to BS14 - I say things like "hey you're meant to be at dad's, dad will be wanting to spend time with you, oh we are about to go out anyway" etc. Back when he was 13 it was easier as I'd always make out that we were about to go out and it is illegal for him to be alone.
DH I guess would add that he doesn't want to be left alone with the boys as he can't effectively parent them if need be ie. the evidence of BS14 ignoring him and not leaving when asked to. But if DH asked something normal like turn off your stereo or you can't do this or that he would be listened to.
I just go crazy wondering if this is unreasonable or not!
Your current DH is a dick...
Your current DH is a dick... sorry to say but true... Bs was in his room not bugging any one, DH still had the house to himself, thus I do not see his problem.
You can simply tell DH - you knew I had children the day you married me }:) }:) }:) You knew it was always a possibility they would stay with me, if you don't like it find another place to live while they are here... over and done with.
another thing that caught my eye - Hon... your Ex husband is just that... your Ex, he does not have to discuss anything with you about his life, and moving to another town is one of those things... you are not apart of his life anymore,
2 hours away is not that far, kids can get a bus..... within the next 2 years they are old enough to drive down there...
I'm not going to join the
I'm not going to join the pile-on of your DH here. I don't think this behavior is abusive and calling it that is ridiculous.
If a skid turned up at my house during the other parent's time, I'd absolutely say "hey, you're supposed to be at BMs". I'd ask why they'd felt the need to come back, if everything was OK, etc - your DH should have too, but I suspect you've shortened their conversation for brevity or not been given full details.
If skid was being bratty, particularly if they were here to manipulate the other parent, I'd tell them they probably should go back and call DH to discuss.
If they were willfully defiant, ignored me and skulked off to their room, absolutely there would be a punishment for ignoring me - skid or bio - and I'd expect DH to back me up.
I think you're nervous about them moving in and seeing this as a symptom of something, when it's really just a kid being punished for ignoring an adult... Y'know, being parented. Maybe DH is trying to step up. He's the only one who can tell you his motives: try asking.
I don't think the issue here is that your kid sat quietly in his room, I think the issue is that he totally blew off DH. In a context where BS wasn't being disobedient and disrespectful, I'd be shocked if your H would have an issue with him quietly hanging out in his room. If that's not the story you get from DH when you ask what the issue was, THEN it's time to listen to the above posters calling him a jerk. Not before.
There is no "official"
There is no "official" custody order, so there is no "official" Dad's parenting time.
How does one toss a kid out "because he's suppose to be at Dad's" when there is no "Dad's time"?
Eight years of this?
What the heck did your DH do with his own kids for 18yrs when he didn't want them breathing in his home?
Buy him out. Send him packing. Or let him buy you out and find a h-o-m-e for your minor children to actually in live.
My skids are young and we
My skids are young and we live to far for BM for pop overs. That being said SD will be old enough to have her license in 3 years. At that time, if she were to pop over on BM's time, I would have no problem telling her that her father isn't home. He will be back at XYZ time and she is welcome to come back then.
As much as I knew DH had kids when I started dating him, he also knew I didn't have any for a reason.
OK I am going to comment from
OK I am going to comment from both a SM side and the BM side. Now as a SM, I hate it when the SS's are here on my Kid free time. It totally annoys the hell out of me. However, I do not and have not ever complained to DH OR told them to leave. Especially if they only wanted to hang out in their room. IMO your DH is a total ass for doing that. He sounds like a spoiled brat who everyone tip toes around to keep the peace. I lived like that with my XH and would never do that again.
Now the BM side of me is fuming. So what you are saying is, you BS is not only losing his place at your XH's but now is feeling unwelcome at your house as well. I can only imagine out unsettling this must be. My BS was with me 90% of the time. He knew my home was his home base. If my XH moved (and he did several times) then BS always knew he had a solid life with consistency at our home. It sounds like your poor kids don't have a solid base at either home.
And your DH is being an ass for talking to your kid that way. You should have laid into him right them.
As far as your BS not speaking to your DH. WTH was he supposed to do/ say? When a person is being totally irrational, you just walk away and don't engage.
I find it a mature reaction to the ignorance your DH was spewing.
I will say, it there wasn't a situation of your XH moving away and your BS's just decided on their own not to stay at your XH's and come home for no reason, then you and your DH have a right to say "Sorry Son, we had plans and you need to go back to XH's." But in this instance, they are probably feeling displaced and need some stability. Your DH was being a jerk.
DO you plan on living on pins and needles and totally stressed out for the next 4-5 years until your kids launch? How can you possibly coordinate your schedule with DH's schedule and two teens in order to make sure they are NEVER home with DH alone. That is just wrong.
What a fabulous bunch of
What a fabulous bunch of ladies you all are - I feel like I have 20 smart friends all around me giving me wonderful advice - thank you very much. I really really appreciate the time you have each given to give me support and a different perspective.
I've had a really great discussion with DH and told him that I understand how difficult it will be for him to go from having 3 days to have me/the house to himself to none and that I fully understand and support him if he doesn't end up being able to cope with it. If that happens we'll move to Plan B which is "Living Apart Together" for 5 years (he doesn't want me to buy him out so together we'll buy a little apartment or unit). But in the meantime I'll do whatever I can do make this situation manageable which includes a) adjusting the house to give him some man-cave spaces (we'll build a wall in the open plan lounge + a small room in the garage) b) coaching my boys to be quiet, tidy and considerate young men and c) ensure we keep having alone-time as a couple (which is easy really as they are almost 15/16 years old).
It is a difficult time for my boys having their dad moving away and he sees that him making them feel unwelcome in our house is very unkind (even if perhaps understandable) and that he now has the option of either kindly accepting this situation or moving out for 5 years. There is no in between.
I thank my lucky stars every day that I have worked hard to be in a financial position to at least have these options. So many other people perhaps feel forced to accept crap situations as there isn't an alternative. I'd feel so powerless if that was the case.
Thank you again for your suppport and strength
On the other side if it. BD
On the other side if it. BD is just up and leaving moving,2 hours or more driving away. Look like BD is not worried about his own kid. So now SD gets kid full time because BD wants out. Wants to live his own fun kid free.
I guest SD just lost it.
He was planing a kid free weekend and because BD wouldn't be bothered with his,own kid, the child is there. Yes, he should not of said anything to th kid.
It always seems to me the BD always gets the break, And the SD is always wrong. Because BD doesn't care about his own child SD should understand that. SD signed up for this but BD didn't