COINCIDENCE???
I posted a blog yesterday titlted "Sociopath" I disclosed that the real term used these days is "antisocial personality disorder". I also admitted that a diagnosis can't be made until it's pretty much too late to be treated (adulthood). I went on to compare the symptoms with my experiences with my SS10 who I've known for over 5 years. I also went on to describe my concern for my BS3, who is VERY much obsessed with him and influenced by him, and who has also suffered physical abuse at SS10's hand. I posted out of desperation, as many mothers would have in this situation. I love my husband dearly and hate the thought of breaking up a family. In earlier posts I have indeed said stepson DESERVES to live with his mother and I didn't like living with him. But I think we all know our ideal utopian world is far from reality and most of us are mature and come here just to vent. I would NEVER suggest to my husband that my SS need to leave. I would leave.
Anyway, the few negative responses I got from "Shooting stars", "I am confused" and "Old Timer" all have something very interesting in common . . . they have no biological children of their own! The worse was shooting stars. She went on to tell me that I was labeling my SS so I could get him out of my home. "I am confused" told me not to label him. So did "Old Timer". I find it so sad that the way we relate to people has now been so narrowed. First, I felt I can only relate to other stepparents. Now, I feel that I need to add bioparent to the mix. I'm sure there's stepparents out there without biochildren that are smart enough to realize that if they had kids of their own, that their priorities might shift. But apparently some people have that inability of insight. I feel like in future posts, I need to disclose that if you are a stepparent with no biochildren, please do not respond unless you see the importance of a parent protecting their biological children first. Funny thing is, I see so many stepparents bashing BM for not doing a good enough job as a parent. Which is very much the case. But to then imply that I'm a stepmom with some kind of agenda when I'm worried for my own children at the cost of my SS. You're right. I do have an agenda! My agenda is my children! So thanks to the three of you I mentioned (and anyone else passing judgment) for reiterating that I am indeed a great mother 
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Comments
"I would NEVER suggest to my
"I would NEVER suggest to my husband that my SS need to leave. I would leave."
Thats exactly what happened over here. I posted yesterday that my SS was just like yours. I don't have a bio child.
I find you refreshing. You
I find you refreshing. You stated that you didn't want biokids because of the issues with your stepson. You're a bigger person than me! Unfortunately some people don't have insight and have to wait until they are in the situation themselves to truly see another perspective.
The thing about a site like
The thing about a site like this is, no one knows 100% of your situation except YOU. We can post a blog and think that we have explained ourselves quite well, and readers should understand where we are coming from, but another member comes along and reads it, and it is clear as mud.
I admit I found it interesting that so many other posters came on and said that you described their BM or SK to a TEE, there can't really be THAT many sociopaths just on this site! Which goes to show that any JOE off the street should not diagnos, but let that be left to the professionals. I read your post and first thought, WOW that child is too young to be labeled that way. But then you have to step back and think, what if they diagnosed Charles Manson at such a young age and he got the help he needed, things could have turned out WAY different for THOSE families!
It's a fine line. I can repect and appreciate your concern for you SS, and I truly hope your DH gets him the help he needs. I wouldn't take the judgment passing too personally though, only you know how extreme it really is. Only you are in your home watching this child. We are merely outsider peaking in through a slotted window. A lot can be missed when there are blinds in the way.
I appreciate your
I appreciate your understanding. There's actually 1 in 25 people considered to antisocial personality disorder. Most people are unaware of the people they know with it because
1) most of them do not end up being serial killers and
2) they are good manipulators and liars and many go under the radar
I think when many people think of sociopath, they think of the worst: serial killer. And that's just not the case. Also, I hope to GOD he doesn't have antisocial personality disorder because that would be terrible for my family. I guess that's why I took offense. That people would respond to posts on this site with such a negative attitude, thinking the worst of my intentions. When I use this site for personal sanity and I would do anything to have a happy family.
Well... also try to keep in
Well... also try to keep in mind that there are a lot of defensive personalities here. Being stepparents sometimes does that to us. We defend ourself to the extreme, our bios, our steps. And when it is written words and not a face to face conversation it is easy to get caught up in defending a child that we don't even know. Again because we don't know you, your situation or your intentions. It gets frustrating to have to come here and defend our actions when all we are trying to do is find some our sanity.
In the past (I am an old timer with a new name) I have even had to defend myself for HELPING BM, I was told that my intentions were selfish. There was ZERO benifit to me for what I had done for BM. I did it for my SS, and my intentions were still questioned. A while later I talked to that poster and she apologiezed and admitted that she lashed out at me because one of my "friends" on this site and her had gotten in to it on another blog. That is why I say, don't take it too personally. Sometimes they are trying to get a rise out of you for reasons that you will never understand. And sometimes, they just don't see eye to eye with you. And that's ok too!
The vibe in general here is negative. It will pass. If you know that your intentions are pure, then don't bother arguing with the nay-sayers. They are just ruffling your feathers.
I understand. My son comes
I understand. My son comes first. He is my sole agenda. I have told him that if he ever feels the drama her with SK's is too much we are gone. He is the one that wants to stay. I know as a single widowed mom, that our relationship is close and I probably shouldn't have these discussions with him. But, he is my priority and always will be. I wouldn't worry about everything everyone says. But, it is nice to get other opinions and views on the drama that is our lives with these stepkids.
From and Old Timer and SM
From and Old Timer and SM only,
I do understand what your fears are for your bio children. I doubt that my marriage would've survived if DH and I would've have children of our own. I would not have trusted my SD to be alone with my children.
My SD has many issues that have not been addressed. My DH continues to enable her. Unlike you, I was able to disengage from their relationship. With children of my own - I probably would've left my marriage.
I think as far as relating,
I think as far as relating, it could be a factor.
I've been down this road before and I find that certain circumstances are better understood when you've been in another's shoes.
I also know some pretty great stepmoms though, without their own children, that I can really relate to as well.
I really can appreciate the instinct to protect your own child at all costs. I also wonder how it would play out for you if the tables were turned and you were encouraged to send your own child "away" from you because of their behavior... to protect your stepchild or even younger sibling.
That would be hard.
I actually have found a few
I actually have found a few stepmothers with no biokids that understand. I wish they could somehow pass on the wisdome to the other judgmental SPs
That would be heartbreaking if my own children had any of these issues! I was in tears the other day thinking about it. That's why I worry about the influence my SS10 has on my SS3. The whole thing is sad. I know it would take a lot to send my own children away (like some serious psychiatric problems), so I would never suggest my husband do that. But I could suggest seperating the family.
In an ideal world it wouldn't be that my SS10 didn't exist (my husband and son adore him), it would be that he be a better person. And although my posts may sound angry, they are here for my venting purposes. I need to maintain sanity. Because in reality, I try everyday with my SS. I try to guide him in the right direction. I try to constantly remind him of right and wrong. I do this all by example as well. I am honest. My SS will always know how I feel. And I am always available to talk. And I do the same with my son. Material things don't matter to me, social status doesn't matter, having the best grades, a lot of money, or being the best in a sport. Those things aren't important to me. The most important thing to me is for my children to grow up being decent people. Ideally, incredible and kind people. But I will settle for decent. So it just breaks my heart when I see someone in our family that has been steering far away from that for a long time.
Noone that doesn't walk in
Noone that doesn't walk in our shoes on a daily basis as bioparents & step parents needs to comment on situations that they have not been in themselves. We as sm's especially know the difficulties we face with raising our children to the best of our abilities and having sk's who seem to get away with murder due to guilty dad syndrome. We are the ones faced with answering the questions as to why the sk's are allowed to act certain ways or get certain things that our bio kids do not get away with because we are trying to teach our bio's morals and values that will turn them into productive members of society. And let me explain that I do not allow sk's to get away with anything that I would not allow my own children to be able to do. But if my children ever came to me and told me they were unhappy or in any type of physical harm from my sk's I WOULD BE GONE IN A HEARTBEAT!!!! I will not allow anyone to harm my children, not sk's, DH, inlaws, grandparents, or strangers. It is totally unacceptable to me and they did not ask to be in this situation, I put them there so it is my job to protect them.
I am convinced that my sister
I am convinced that my sister has an antisocial personality disorder, professionals have thrown around a few diagnosis for her but this has always seemed to fit the best. Let me tell you, it was pure hell growing up with her. I was older than her by about 5 years yet she constantly felt the need to control me, (and everyone else in the house) if she didn't get her way, she'd beat the crap out of us. If we fought back, we were to blame since "she couldn't help it".
Protect your children! Always be fair. Giving him slack because he has a "problem" is not acceptable. He needs to be held to the same standards as your children, or he'll never get any better.
I realize that at a young age you can't diagnosis a child with something like this because they are still growing and changing. Well, my sister came out of the womb screaming and hasn't stopped since. My mom just figured she was a "fussy" baby, my bother and I decided we hated her and wanted her to "go back where she came from" when she was only 3 months old. lol! So you can tell when something is "off" with a child.
My sister was violent, and did beat the snot out of us, but that wouldn't have happened if we were permitted to treat her how she treated us. When your children are young I probably wouldn't leave your SS alone with them. When they're a bit older they need to know that no one is gonna get punished more or less than the other when they've done something wrong. Everything should ALWAYS be equal between them. If my house had been like that there would have been a lot less tension.
Good luck, sweetie!
Oh! I would like to add that she did mellow out quite a bit as a teenager, a lot less violent.