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oh my...what a weekend.

3bk1sd's picture

Submitted by 3bk1sd on Sun, 02/07/2010 - 4:39pm

We had a pretty good weekend until today. SD11 was banging BD6's doll stroller around and broke it. I said to SD that she has to stop breaking things and she would be paying for a new stroller. She screamed at me, I couldn't understand what she said it was more like a loud high-pitched scream. I said "stop screaming at me" so she went to her room and slammed the door. I went upstairs and told my DH the story.(He's a paraplegic and can't get downstairs to the playroom, lucky him.) I asked him to please talk to SD about respecting me in our home and that she needs to stop screaming at me and breaking things when she's angry.
So when SD came upstairs later on he starts making friendly conversation with her. Meanwhile I'm thinking wtf is he doing, he must be going to work up to it and then let her have it. But sadly, no, he did not mention it at all, so I did. I said "I'm tired of you coming here with a bad attitude and then when you're angry you throw and break things. I'm tired of you yelling at me, this is my house too and it's going to stop, I have done nothing to you." She had nothing to say and went back downstairs. I said to DH that he should talk to her about respecting his wife when she's there and he said "Why? You just did a good job yourself." Later on he did tell her that she needed to stop breaking things and that she needs to change her attitude. Also, to his credit he sat silently beside me when I was giving my little speach. What I want him to say though is "when you come to our house you will respect my wife, I love her and will not tolerate your current behaviour towards her." If he doesn't say it I think that her behaviour will just become worse. For the first 4 years I tried very hard to be nice to SD. I am one of the unfortunate one's with a nutcase BM and her constant negativity toward DH and I sure isn't helping. For the past year or so I have tried to disengage as much as possible, it has worked a bit. Any advice is appreciated.

Comments

Bradybunchmom's picture

Submitted by Bradybunchmom on Sun, 02/07/2010 - 9:53pm

I agree with stepmadness. i ask fiance to tell his sons things, and he is like "but you already told them" Sometimes he does it I think to humor me, but he really doesn't get that it is different coming from him. I try and explain I want him to support me and he says he does. I don't think he gets it.

bren1981's picture

Submitted by bren1981 on Sun, 02/07/2010 - 10:11pm

We have the opposite scenario in our house - sometimes when SD3 and SS5 are screaming, fighting over toys, its me who calms them, gets their attention and the problem ceases - where when Dad tries to, it doesn't work. He loves that they listen to me, but sometimes I feel like it bothers him too. As for advice, here's the best knowledge I have. When a child is screaming, no matter what the age is - get to eye-level with them. Sit, kneel, stand in front of them but get eye level - and speak directly to them --- here's the best thing to say - Use your words to tell me what you need. And don't say want - want and need are two very different things. No matter what the age is, it will get their attention that you are on their level and that you asked them a question. Now that you have their attention - whether they answer or not is not the key - the key is to explain to him/her that their actions are inappropriate. Here's how a similar situation played out in our house not too long ago:
SD3: Screaming at top of lungs, screaming, I want I want.
Me: On floor, sitting cross legged, holding her hands, asked her "Honey, what do you need?
SD3: Instantly looked into my eyes, stopped screaming. "I need my elephant.
Me: Where is your elephant.
SD3: SS5 took it from me.
Me: SS5, can you please share the elephant with your sister.
SD5: But I'm playing with it.
Me: SS3 can we play with a different elephant.
SD3: Yep! (Happy & Laughing)
Me: See, SD3, no need to scream, we have lots of toys - let's go get one!
SD3: It's in my room...
Issue solved.

While I realize that SD11 may be harder to deal with, I truly think her screaming and breaking BD6's doll's stroller is just a ploy for attention - as a SM, I sometimes forget that the skids while with BM have to act out - because Negative Attention is better than No Attention.

Try it once - if it doesn't work, be patient and try again, but hang in there - soon boys and other stuff will come into play and she won't want to be at home at all!!!