So, I'm a simmerer...

I hold stuff in, hold stuff in, hold stuff in, until finally the pressure gets to great and I explode.

BM decided to throw at us that we need to by our own car seat (AND show her a receipt to prove it isn't a used one) in order to take SD from now on. Then SD3 was a brat all day. Then, she started bullying my BD2. Then BM hadn't packed her swim stuff and cussed DH out for calling her and asking if he could stop by to get it. THEN said we couldn't take her to SMIL's mother's house (where she has been multiple times before) because they have a pool (which SD has swum in multiple times) and it's deep (8ft at the deepest part) AND SD is apparently allergic to sun now (Even though BM was telling DH about taking SD to the park this week. Guess it wasn't an outdoor park...). This meant we couldn't go until 6 PM to see BFIL, SMIL, and SIL11,12,&13 who were in town (happens maybe every 6 months). So we tried calling to move drop off up to 4. Oh, NOW the phone isn't working. Sure.

I simmered. And simmered. And simmered.

Then I exploded.

I'm sick of my Sundays, my family days, my supposed day of rest, my favorite day of the week, being stressed out and ruined because of SD. She bullies my BD, throws tantrums, misbehaves, breaks things, screams at me EVERY WEEK NOW to "Give her her way" if I tell her no, pushes me, hits me, knocks over my BD, tried sitting on NBD in her bouncy seat.... I can't take it anymore. MY kids don't behave like that. Even N doesn't behave like that. I love SD, don't get me wrong... but I can't take it. I told DH he's going to have to move the visits to Saturdays and take SD somewhere other than our home. I'm not having more of my stuff broken by an out of control 3 year old. I'm not having my daughter pushed to the ground and kicked in her own home. As much as I love that little girl, she's out of control and it's my job to keep my bios safe.

3LittleDragonflies's blog
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I think this is the best

I think this is the best solution-for the time being.

Toddlers are products of their environment and the people who are around them most. It sounds like SD is around BM a lot and BM has documented mental issues that she does nothing about. These issues may be hereditary. While you have to protect your bios, DH still has an obligation to SD to try to get her whatever help he can, especially if she inherits these issues.

It sounds like SD is in a bad environment and these are issues DH needs to work out with BM in court, and get CPS involved if necessary.

CPS and FOC pretty much have

CPS and FOC pretty much have said they can't/ won't help us, because SD isn't *technically* being abused or neglected (quite the opposite, she's being spoiled into oblivion and given no discipline). DH is really hurt that I don't want SD around, but after her pushing BD to the floor, standing on her, taking the toy she was playing with from her, then kicking her in the ribs... I just can't do it. I can't have my BD not feel safe in her home.

"DH is really hurt that I

"DH is really hurt that I don't want SD around" This says volumes. I say that because he is obviously allowing her to behave this way without punishment that works (have to find her currency) DH needs to get a carseat as long as it meets standards BM can stfu, get swim stuff for your place less contact and control from BM. If the kid gets out of line then DH and her can lose out on family fun while she sits with him and watches everyone else g=have a good time.
It sucks to have to do all this but it really helps. I started refusing any help or assistance with SO's kids after BM didn't leave the car seats SO was going to put them in my car without and I refused to allow it and explained that it's my car my rules and we follow the law. They would have to stay home instead of going with the rest of us until he had car seats. He asked my parents for the ones they have for all grand kids and they gave them to him. Then we went through the swim suits issue. He was going to let his dd swim in MY sports bra and shorts and I said "that is extremely inappropriate those are my underthings should I give her my panties too? Get them suits they are end of season marked down right now, but I will not be letting your 7 year old wear any of my clothes not now or ever nor will I be going swimming if they aren't dressed for it, it's embarrassing." He got her a suit right then. when they misbehaved I would continue on with my plans with my kids and prompt him to step up by saying "we are doing xyz I'm sorry you can't join us but I'm not rewarding (whatever they did wrong) by taking them with me, you do whatever you need to." and I'd leave this left him to HAVE to parent since now he was being punished too. He has way stepped up, we still have areas we don't agree on but if it's a deal breaker for me I continue on with my plans with my family and leave him to figure out what has to be done, on his end. Maybe switching days will help, or maybe it'll just make Saturdays suck. He has to step up and get this under control or it'll will be worse later on.