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When does it stop? It has to eventually.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 9:24am

BM is at is again. Did not show for drop off or respond to his texts. He is back to work now and needs to go to do quick 2 hour job, he is waiting with a sitter at the house for skids. He calls and she starts babbling, barely taking a breath, about all of the problems she has with him (she needs more money, he didn't answer her phone call while he was on the river with SS last weekend, then she starts about how I didn't answer either (I blocked her after she called me 5 times in a row and then threatened me), it isn't fair, etc).

Every week. Every f*cking week. For years... several years now. Always a problem.

She is either:
A) Still madly in love with him?
Dirol Extremely jealous of me?
C) Unable to understand that her kids are separate from her?
D) Personality disordered?

All 4? WHAT IS IT? WHY does she make him have to fight for them? I just want one week where she dumps them off and keeps her mouth shut. Just a break from lateness, rudeness, games, DH getting stressed....

How, truly HOW, after many years, does the conflict not tire her?

He needs to now come up with a retainer and drag her ass back to court. More money, more time. Now that he is finally back to work, this is what will have to happen.

When do they get over it and just let the kids enjoy seeing their dad? There are men out there who just walk away from their kids. Does she not realize that even though they did not work out, her kids still have a dad who wants to spend time with them? Why is that a bad thing?

Comments

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 9:56am

Sick. No other word for it.

Hurt at the beginning of a separation is one thing. Nervous when kids first meet a new woman, ok, understandable.

7 years of this? sick.

momjeans's picture

Submitted by momjeans on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 9:32am

I feel your pain, AJanie, I truly do.

This is the exact sort of behavior BM used to put DH through - so, I say ALL of the above because I know damn well BM would have taken DH back in a heartbeat, yet she thrived off of high-conflict interactions with him.

It gets old REAL fast, I agree.

Our only saving grace was moving 2000 miles away.

nengooseus's picture

Submitted by nengooseus on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 9:53am

That has been my DH's therapist's advice for us, but we're too stupid to take it. (Also, my DD with XH would make it difficult, to say the least.)

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 9:54am

He isn't willing to move out of state until the skids are older. So for now, this is my reality.

momjeans's picture

Submitted by momjeans on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 10:00am

DanielleR - DH and BM were in family counseling the year prior to us moving, in an attempt to smooth out the wrinkles of coparenting - because BM absolutely refused to. That's basically what the lawyer told my DH... to let go of the rope, for us to move, and to go to (summer/holiday) visitation. To basically remove BM from the equation.

And you betcha BM made the first year plus away from her a living hell. }:)

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 9:32am

When do they get over it and just let the kids enjoy seeing their dad?
They don't. A great deal of dads get tired of "fighting city hall" and walk away.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 10:51am

Your DH should get a burner phone just for BM's calls. It stays turned off until 7:30pm. After the call, it's turned back off. BM can leave voicemails.

Whattheheck's picture

Submitted by Whattheheck on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 12:09pm

I have no advice either, I do feel your pain! I have been with DH for 20 years, and we dealt with BM right up to last year... LAST YEAR, the boys are now in their 20s. She was controlling, manipulative, rude, lied all the time, she even demanded to come to our wedding! That was hell! She didn't come in, my brother in law shut that down right quick.
It's so bad, I know. I have no good advice just try to be the best you that you can be.

Cooooookies's picture

Submitted by Cooooookies on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 12:15pm

Jealousy. Pure green envy. Envious that her XH has moved on and is no longer pining away for her. Jealous that the skids like you. Jealous because you are the woman that 'took her XH away'. Mad that your DH no longer asks how high when she barks jump.

I deal with the same thing. SS14 and DH have the audacity to love me therefore I am an evil b*tch and BM2 now 'punishes' by ignoring me and pretending I don't exist. She tried bashing DH and I to SS14 but that didn't work. I couldn't care less but the worst thing I've every done is be a good person. They are insane.

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 1:44pm

Sadly I don't think it will ever stop.
This conflict is like food for her, she feeds off it, she needs it like a drug.
It makes her feel in control and powerful. I'd bet the house that she has conversations with herself about what she's going to say and how she's going to say it. Playing it over and over in her head. Imagining herself sounding so smart and so superior.

The only way to not deal with it is to not deal with it. Cut her off at the knees, don't rely on her for anything, don't call her for anything, have pickups at a police station so that if she doesn't show up its a cop who calls her.

The first interaction I ever had with BM went like this.
Me - BM here is the paperwork for SSs trip, you weren't here yet so coordinator gave it to me to pass on.
BM - This never should have come to you, I'm his mother.
Me - Yes, you are. Here's the paperwork.
BM - You need to take care of your own kids and I'll take care of mine
Me - Of course.

I agreed with her and had noting else to say to her. People were standing there looking at her, she stormed off down the hall.
She was pacing and talking to herself it was crazy town. MIL watched her and said she's thinking about all the things she wanted to say to you, she wants to put you in your place but doesn't know how because you don't argue back.
DH got the first of many "She needs to learn her place and respect boundaries" texts that night. He ignored it.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 2:30pm

Wow I think you just described her perfectly. She drones on in these haughty paragraphs that barely make sense. I can't even understand what she is mad about... she reaches for anything.

I don't bother with her anymore. I used to. It seems now that I stopped completely, she is ramping up her crazy.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 1:52pm

AJ, I agree that it's all of those things.

BioHo is a bloody control freak. After she and my DH split, she still expected him to be at her beck and call.
Wants to go party on her weekend? Call the ex to babysit.
Wants to go boink some random dude? Call the ex to babysit.
Washer doesn't work? Call the ex.
Needs something heavy moved? Call the ex.

In fact, when DH was working days, 'Ho was constantly calling him to keep the skids extra nights and that INCLUDED him keeping SpawnThen3. 'Ho was absolutely incensed when Spawn started calling DH 'Daddy'. WTH did she expect?? That's what all of her siblings called him!!

When I came into the picture, DH was no longer available on his non-skid weekends and rarely available during the week. Totally chapped 'Ho's arse tht she no longer had control over DH.

Don't be surprised if BM turns out to be a control freak as far as her bios are concerned. BioHo most certainly is: SD24 and family are 'not allowed to move' and expects SD's DH to NOT look for a better job out of state. SD21 is 'not allowed to move away when she graduates'. PrincASS18 is 'not allowed to get married until I ['Ho] say so!!!'. And so on and so on...

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 2:16pm

Luckily my skids are adults now and while BM is a huge control freak she's lost most of her control over the skids.

She taught SS(25) to listen to and be there for the most important woman in his life. BM thought it would always be her. Surprise!
He learnt that lesson well and treats his GF like gold. They do what she wants, when she wants. She's not controlling at all and always gives SS the choice to do his own thing. He just always chooses her, yes even over BM!

It drives BM crazy but after years and years of SS hearing BM tell SD her boyfriends were assholes for spending Xmas with his own family and not her, BM can't say much when he spends Xmas with his GF. He's just being a good BF and not an asshole.

Same with the things she said about DH. SS heard from her that a man should ALWAYS stand up for his wife and choose her over the other women in his life, like mothers and sisters.

BM and SD are close and SD sometimes listens to BM. Sometimes when she talks, it's BMs words and ideas. As SD (28) gets older and more removed from BM she does it less and less.

It also helps that DH makes SD feel good about herself and her choices, he supports her decisions. While BM puts her down, makes her feel stupid and like she's going to ruin her life if she doesn't listen to BM.

She made SD feel horrible about traveling Europe last summer, had her thinking she was making the biggest mistake of her life traveling instead of finding a man, getting married and having babies (cause BM is ready to be a Gma!).
DH and I gave her tickets, told her to be careful and have a great time.
She had the best time of her life and now wants to travel the world.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 2:32pm

Yes, Aniki. She is a complete control freak... until she drops them off. Then she rarely even calls to say goodnight or check in. The week they were there last summer, not a word. But once they go home, she interviews them and then finds 500 things to be mad about and starts on her tangent.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 3:21pm

BioHo is a control freak the entire time the skids are out of her site/house. That includes the food they get (or lack) at our house. PrincASS and PigPen whined about:

* DH limiting them to 2 cans of pop a day. So 'Ho started buying them ginormous fountain drinks. If they had them when they walked in, they got no pop that night, so they made sure they finished them before they arrived. If they threw away the empties at our house, DH wouldn't let them have any more, so they took to leaving them in the 'Ho Mobile.

* the lack of junk food in our house and they were huuuuuungry. 'Ho bought them craptastic snacks. DH refused to let them eat that crap and sent it home. After that, they started bringing stuff in their backpacks and eating it after they went to bed. We would find empty wrappers in the trash so DH removed all snacks from their backpacks (he's so evil!!). They both wear very baggy t-shirts and I saw a plastic bag of contraband, er, cookies tucked into PrincASS's waistband. I didn't say anything to DH.

Every time 'Ho has a gathering/cookout and has leftovers, she makes plates for the skids to give to DH. Just DH; not me. She stopped doing that after PigPen reported back that as soon as he gives her crap to DH, DH immediately turns and throws it in the trash. DH wouldn't care if 'Ho sent a million dollars worth of caviar - that sh!t is going in the trash.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 7:10pm

PASing GUBM 12:17
Thou shalt interrogate the children after visitation with leading questions in hopes that they had a "bad time" with dad and SM. Should children not learn to embellish their stories and lie against dad and SM, said children WILL be screamed at and made miserable until they can parrot GUBM's lies.

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 9:48pm

I am on year 5 and it hasn't gotten ant better on this end. At least now I know her cycles well enough to prepare and ignore (and vent on here of course).

Solidshadow7's picture

Submitted by Solidshadow7 on Wed, 07/26/2017 - 10:22am

I also have an overzealous BM. She gets ignored or gets payback. Stick the CO, minimal communication is required. Tell her you need all communication to be via email from now on, and change your number. Get a burner phone so she can call Skids as CO allows. Tell her you don't feel comfortable with her on your property and get a restraining order if she insists.
If she doesn't show up for child exchanges file for contempt. The end.
Skid has his own stuff at our house, anything she brings for him is left with her. Any messages she sends are ignored, but we usually try to have some fun with it and copy what she does just to watch her explode. For example-

BM- The school called CPS because you sent SS home with mosquito bites and now we are both being investigated. Children need to wear bugspray at all times, and I am not going to let him come over anymore if you continue to be negligent. Here is a letter from his doctor confirming that children need to wear bugspray.
(BM actually called CPS over a mosquito bite, the case was promptly closed)

DH- (no reply)

A few weeks later SS comes over with a sunburn

DH- As im sure you already know, children need to wear sunscreen as sun exposure is carcinogenic. Based on his light skin tone you need to apply at least SPF 50 every two hours so he doesn't burn when you have him in the sun. And he needs a hat. Bugspray is also carcinogenic especially when applied directly to the skin of small children and I would prefer if you stopped seeping SS in dangerous chemicals when he's with you as you are risking his health and safety. I won't bother CPS this time, im sure they have more important things to worry about than teaching you how to apply sunscreen, just don't let it happen again.

BM- How dare you tell me how to parent! IM HIS MOTHER!!! You can't tell me what to do! Besides its SS's fault for rubbing the sunscreen off. Don't you dare let him outside without bugspray, mosquitoes spread malaria! your a bad father! You don't deserve to see SS. I'm going to take you to court for negligence! You better apologize for this right now!!!

DH- (no reply)