Infertility Jealousy
Long story short, SD21 has a 1 year old son, and SD17 is pregnant (with a girl). SD23 is married, but her DH can't have kids (at least not without assistance). They've started seeing an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist, for those of you lucky enough to have not needed one), but it's a long process.
Now, I have sympathy for people who have trouble getting pregnant. DH and I needed to do IVF to have our twins, so I get it, I do. But SD23 is going to make me crazy!
She just posted the following on FB (directed at SD17, and yes, spelling and grammar errors included):
"How is it that there are people in this world who gets thing in there life and doesn't even want it or deserves it, and yet there are people who does want what they got and can't have it."
GAH! I understand you want a baby, but can you refrain from saying that your sisters "don't deserve" their own kids?!? To make matters worse, she is CONSTANTLY telling DH and I that she's "more of a mom" to GS1 than SD21 is!! "SD21 never takes care of him, GS1 has even started calling me Mommy!" (Which is total crap, the kid is 13 months old - if he says "Mommy" it's more likely that he's asking for Mom or even just randomly saying a word he happens to know. But honestly I've never heard him say an actual word, it's all still babble at this point.)
*sigh* I KNOW it's hard seeing a negative pregnancy test month after month, good GOD do I know, but this catty jealousy nonsense has got. to. STOP.
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Comments
I have fertility issues but
I have fertility issues but it was mostly on my end. So I used a vitamin that helped with my condition of PCOS.
It sounds like she just wants it so bad that she's hurting and doesn't have the proper outlet. Tell her to find a fertility support site. I used one and I will PM you the name if you want.
I still have friends from there and they aren't even close to me. We all talk regularly.
I've decided to not have
I've decided to not have children as well. I feel the same way. What if...
I do feel that hollow feeling when other women talk about babies and pregnancy. Almost like I'm missing something that makes you more of a woman. But it just never happened for me and at this age, and with the experiences with the Skids, I'm not going to have any.
My sister had endometriosis
My sister had endometriosis and as a result was never able to have a baby. Her and her husband tried for over 6 years, they saw specialist, she took fertility drugs, everything. The pain from her condition got so bad that she had to have a hysterectomy last year. I remember her calling me crying nearly every month because the pregnancy test came back negative. It’s so heartbreaking. If anyone deserved to have a baby, it was her. However, she accepted that she couldn’t have children and has focused on other things in her life that make her happy (her husband, her job, her career, furthering her education, her friends/family, etc). My sister has a very filling life and is very happy, and will never hold it against another woman for having a baby. Although, the ones that complain about not being able to get pregnant even though they have 1-2 kids already get on her nerves a bit.
Your SD needs to grow the hell up.
When I say grow up I'm mean
When I say grow up I'm mean stop putting others down or talking about other behind their back. That's immature. By all means, she needs to keep trying. Just stop hating those with kids.
I agree. A 17 year old is not
I agree. A 17 year old is not ready to be a mother. But that is out of our hands. We can't control other people's actions or sex life. We can only control our selves. And it's not good to hate other people for something they did that is out of our hands. Also, honestly, the stress she's feeling because of the jealousy may not be helping her get pregnant.
Jealousy, although understandable, is a waste of her energy.
Ladyface, she needs to also
Ladyface, she needs to also look at it from the other side. If I get pregnant one day (may not happen though ) I will feel extremely guilty because my sister could never have one. I would gladly give up my ability to have children if it meant my sister could have one. I was terrified she would hate me if I had a baby and she can’t. I told her this but thankfully I have an amazing sister. She reassured me that she will never hate me. But I still fear how she may feel.
But LadyFace, what can we do
But LadyFace, what can we do about their actions? I agree with you 100%. It's just you can't change it so why waste your time and energy on it? Kind of like the song from Frozen, "Let it go"
That can't be healthy or
That can't be healthy or helping her situation
I think my sister felt the
I think my sister felt the same way. I guess she just had to finally accept it because there's no way for her to have a baby now. I feel bad for those who can't have babies. There aro so many women out there that are derserving of kids, and many that aren't. You just can't focus on the others.
It did take her a few years.
It did take her a few years. Again though, I would gladly give up my ability if it meant she could. I can understand everything you are saying, so please don't get me wrong. I guess I just have the mind set that I would need to focus all my energy on myself, to give myself a better chance. Negative energy can cause all sorts of problems. And when you or other ladies like you final get pregnant, it will have more meaning and value than a 17 year old who pops out kids like candy.
I would tell her the same
I would tell her the same thing I told me sister. Don't focus on other women and what they are doing. Focus on yourself. Jealousy can cause stress, stress can cause problems for someone who is already having trouble getting pregnant. What's more important here? Worrying about what others are doing which causes physical stress, or ignoring other women and reducing the stress so she can have a better chance?
LadyFace - Totally get what
LadyFace - Totally get what you mean about the obsession. We tried for 8 months on our own, then another year with an RE and I was about losing my mind. Oh I went to fertility web sites, drank the teas, changed my diet... hell, I would have stood on my head after sex if I thought it would help! (It doesn't by the way. ;)) Almost worse was that the RE ran all the tests on both me and DH and we had "unexplained secondary infertility" - which basically meant no one knew what the hell the problem was. Infertility sucks monkey balls.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for a sticky bean for you!!!
That's funny to picture lol
That's funny to picture lol
*lol* Oh yeah, I did the
Rutherford, I love you hun.
Rutherford, I love you hun. You are an amazing woman and I hate that people like you, LadyFace my sister and others have fought or are still fighting infertility. It’s so unfair on so many levels. And y’all are helping me have a better understanding of how hard it is not be jealous or bitter of other women with babies (especially the undeserving ones). But to answer your question as to ‘Why’, why are lazy, horrible, abusive undeserving people able to have kids like crazy but good women like yourself, LadyFace, my sister and many others are unable to; is because life just isn’t fair.
Why do the young die and old live? A parent should never have to bury their child. Why does the drunk live but the family they hit die? It’s because life can be cruel and totally unfair. We know in our hearts and minds how things should be. You should be able to have a child and an undeserving person shouldn’t. But that’s just not how life works. It sucks beyond belief. I should be more understanding and sympathetic to people like the SD in this story ranting about undeserving people having kids. But at the same time I don’t want to see the SD decrease her chances of having a baby because of the stress jealousy can put on her body, and it does.
Infertility is such an awful
Infertility is such an awful thing to go through. I honestly don't blame the SD23 for her rant. To be that young and already worrying about fertility is terrible. And to see such young siblings easily have children has to be worse than if her siblings were older than her.
When I was battling infertility, it was very difficult to be around people who had kids or were pregnant. It took a lot of effort to show that I was happy for them. I was happy for them, but I was hurting at the same time. IVF is such an emotionally difficult experience as well.
The only good thing OP's SD has going for her is her age. She has years to try to overcome this, and I hope she will. If I were here, I'd probably have to distance myself from my siblings. Luckily my own nieces and nephews were older by the time I even wanted to start a family so they weren't hard for me to deal with.
I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. I hope the OP's SD is going for counseling or therapy to help her through this.
To clarify a bit - no, I
To clarify a bit - no, I haven't said a single word to SD23 about her FB post, nor will I. (I HAVE told her to stop putting her sister down as a mother, especially behind her back.) I have not by word or deed minimized her longing for a child or made her feel badly for how much she wants it. Like I said - I DO get it. It took a lot of time (and 4 miscarriages) before we got a "sticky bean" (two, actually).
It's not her envy that's the issue - it's her actions. Yes, we come here and vent about skids (much like I'm doing!) because then we're better able to deal with them. We're not posting this crap where they can see it! My problem with her behavior is that she's taking out her anxiety and frustration out on her sisters.
No, SD17 should NOT be having a baby. But she is. It's fact. And SD23 telling her she doesn't "deserve" her baby is just mean-girl, juvenile, catty behavior. You can be sad for yourself without trying to hurt other people, you know?
When I was going through one of my miscarriages, my sister got an "oopsie" pregnancy. Was I envious that she got pregnant without even trying? Sure. Did I somehow make that HER problem, or try to make her feel like she didn't "deserve" to have a child she hadn't even wanted? Not a snowballs chance in hell. Because I'm a fucking grown-up and I love my sister and want the best for her - even if I'm not getting what I want. I do not take my emotional distress out on other people in the hopes that making someone else feel shitty will somehow make me feel better.
That's my problem with SD23, and it carries over to other things besides the baby issue. If she's not happy, NO ONE is allowed to be happy, and I wish she'd grow the fuck up and knock that off in general.