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Stepdaughter is very hateful and a pathological liar

Aly Fran's picture

Submitted by Aly Fran on Mon, 09/27/2021 - 8:10am

... I have two kids from previous marriage and DH has a daughter from previous marriage however my kids lives with us and his daughter lives with her mom she use to visit every Sunday and DH and I now has a daughter together that's when all the conflicts started with SD she developed a very hateful behaviour started telling lies on my kids and I to her dad then he'll come back and start heated arguments because he went with the fact that I have a problem with his daughter I took all the verbal abuse because I told myself she's only here for 1 day a week so I can tolerate it but eventually the lies and confusion she made started to become worse it even involved his family his sister, nieces his brothers anyone of his family that were close to me and DH would curse everyone out for her.. that girl cause some real trouble in our homes going into details would keep me here typing all day.. But nevertheless I retaliated and exposed her lies to him his family stood up with me and DH would still say we were against his daughter in his eyes she's God it took putting our relationship on the line when he finally realise his back were against the wall I made him bring her to my face to confront her about all the lies I new she told her father and there and then the truth came out shame was not enough to describe his expressions he was hurt all he kept telling her is I could of put my head on a block for u and I'm real disappointed however her and her mother wasn't to please that I exposed her to her dad by the way her mother was half of all the trouble she caused so her mother stopped sending her for visits altogether DH will still accuse me of having a problem with his daughter he said he misses her and he sneaks her away from her mom 3 times so far for the year and for those 3 times we still had pretty bad arguments after she leave only now he wouldn't direct our arguments to her instead he'll look for any fault he can find to cause problems but I told him I knew deep down inside its not that we're arguing about is the fact that everytime he sees her a week don't pass without us having a terrible argument.. Her mother claims she doesn't want their daughter around me so she curses DH out for bring their daughter around me her mother told DH to take their daughter and carry her out for ice cream for 2hrs on a Sunday alone that they don't want me and my kids around but he refuses Instead he brought her for our daughter's birthday she behaved very rude and stayed in the hot sun she didn't speak to anyone only her dad and if she wanted to get a message across to me she asked her dad to ask while I were standing right infront of her she didn't step into the house she behaved like I would do her harm I offered her food, cake etc in which she replied no I good in a harsh tone of voice she went to the neighbour's house and basically stayed until the party were over ofcourse her dad had an answer to defend all of that..  she call her dad when she know he's on work and it's like they're both hiding to have a conversation dealing with this he has always look for someone or something to blame her behavior on most of the times he covers up for her and always accuses me of having a problem with her the truth is I do have a problem with her hateful behaviour I just don't know how to deal with the situation anymore it's like I feel guilty and I feel like I'm the cause for everything like I'm in their way I only exposed her lies because I were totally over with that little girl stepping all over me she is 13 and will be 14 in November during the time her father and I confronted her for the lies we saw on her phone a conversation between her mother and her with her telling her mother her father is soo stupid that she hate him because he was asking her for her baby jewelry to give her little sister meanwhile he asked her for the jewelry to make back something for her which she knew about but chooses to lie she spoke some nasty things to her mom about her dad, I and our daughter so I dont know what to think about the situation seems like she also has a problem with her dad as well but for some reason DH looks for a reason for her behaviour  I try really hard to ignore her but something about her always have me uneasy

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Mon, 09/27/2021 - 8:43am

I can tell you are frustrated but this is really hard to read and understand. In the future, for more help, try and use paragraphs and spacing. 

I am not sure what the lies are that you are exposing but the biggest thing I am taking away from this is, your husband refuses to see his oldest as anything other than a saint. In that case you only have 2 choices:

  1.  Leave. You can move out with your kids. Set up a fair custody schedule for your shared child and remove yourself from all of the stress. Kids don't magically turn 18 and you never have to deal with them again. This will go on forever and if you don't want to have it keep affecting you and your children- leaving is all you can do.
  2. Disengage. Make yourself busy on the Sunday's that she visits. It sounds like it isn't overnight so make plans. Visit with family and friends but leave your husband and SD at the house. Let them have their time alone, take the other kids with you. 

If you do decide to stay, I would also get cameras for the main living spaces. That way if SD says that you said something you can quickly show that it never happened. It is amazing how many lies stop when they know they can't get away with it. 

Your husband isn't going to change- your only options are to make changes so that you can survive in your marriage or make changes so that you can survive without your marriage. 

Aly Fran's picture

Submitted by Aly Fran on Mon, 09/27/2021 - 9:30am

I'm sorry that everything is so jumbled up.. However SD lies are based on what she knew will get her father angry..

For instance she bend back and twist ny sons hand when he said he's going to tell his mommy, she started to cry and ran to tell her dad my son bend her hand, twist her hand and pushing her about the room.. her dad was very upset and he cause a conflict about it she was pleased I could see on her face satisfaction.. my son was distraught he cried himself to sleep I believed him but I didn't confront the situation until another child was able to tell DH that his daughter is lieing and the truth about what transpired..

Another incident is when she came to visit a Sunday my kids were playing together with her and the neighbour she ran home and tell her dad my son kept kicking her again he were very upset until tye neighbour told him otherwise.. All in which he turned a blind eye to the truth..

Another time we had a birthday party for her DH were so tired he slept away efforts to wake him were unsuccessful so I decided to drop her hike knowing she instance able to spend the night and she had school the next day she managed to call her dad and to my surprise he woke up.. She told him I never tried to wake him and that I were busy to drop her home as I reached back we had a heated argument because he said his daughter said I never wake him up.. DH sister was able to convince him that we were indeed trying to wake him.. again he turned a blind eye to his daughter's lies

Sge blocked her dad's entire family and told her dad no one answers her when she calls meanwhile she blocked them and when they tried to call her to check up on her calls to her phone always went unanswered causing chaos between her father and his family

Her father told her infront of me to bring her baby jewelry for him to melt it ofcourse he needed to add extra gold to make something that she can wear maybe a chain or handband she went home and told her mom her dad told her bring her jewelry to give to her little sister (our daughter)

When I'm passing infront of her while she's here she'll be laughing and making weird faces etc then she'll tell her dad I have a problem with her

Due to me exposing all of this and bringing the truth to her dad with full evidence to back up my version her mom decided to stop send her to visit as before she also has a problem having her daughter around me and her dad hides to speak to her over the phone he doesn't visit amd fpr this year she only came for a visit 3 times which was not good she don't speak to me or anyone and everytime she visits and leave her dad and I always have heated arguments

 

 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Mon, 09/27/2021 - 10:02am

She sounds like a Gem...

Getting physical with your kids is "hill to die on" stuff though. You have to keep your kids safe from being attacked or hurt by her. 

Cameras. That is my #1 go to. We have them in all common living spaces and hallways (no bedrooms or bathrooms). When SS tried to tell a judge that I was abusive to my kids in order to stop coming to visitation (the judge didn't entertain the comment) I immediately got them. They have been a Godsend. 

We flat out told SS that if he wants to make another accusation he better have a date and time because we have months of storage. Haven't heard a peep since, from him or BM regarding our house. It also stopped BM claiming that DH was a fall down drunk (again, not true) but when they know they can't like, they don't. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Submitted by Aunt Agatha on Mon, 09/27/2021 - 10:05am

Although regardless of what you do, your SD should not be alone period with your children.  She is hurting them physically and emotionally.  
 

Any time she has visitation, find something else to do alone with your kids.  She can have her dad all to herself, your children will be out of the home and protected.

Also agree with nanny cams in common areas.

This will not get better and will get a lot worse as she gets older.  Don't be around her without your DH right there.  Definitely don't let your kids around her.

She is a danger to you and your children on a number of levels.  

Aly Fran's picture

Submitted by Aly Fran on Mon, 09/27/2021 - 11:31am

Of what I gathered SD mother has a major role to play in the chaos they both cook up mischief together and speaks I'll stuff about her father, the kids and I as well as DH family because apparently they hate DH family since DH family and I have a close relationship..

I honestly don't understand how a 13 year old girl can make all this trouble and what bothers me the most is her dad finding excuses for her mischievous, hateful ways..

DH told her he's not forcing her to like me but she needs to respect me since then she doesn't speaks to me if she's trying to get a message across to me she stands infront me and relates to me through her dad..

She also made it clear that she doesn't like my kids and hates my daughter which is her sister..

 

morrginme's picture

Submitted by morrginme on Mon, 09/27/2021 - 9:48pm

I've been through this. It will drive you crazy trying to expose the real truth to people who don't want to hear it. What I learned is the safest thing to do goes with the previous comments. Take your kids away with you somewhere on the days she visits. If she has no contact with you she can't claim you did anything to her. 

superlado's picture

Submitted by superlado on Tue, 09/28/2021 - 12:07am

She's mentally unstable and needs help it doesn't look like she's going to get.  Visitation needs to be taken out of the home.  Do not make your children available to be abused.  Protect them.  
 

I would have a major issue with my own husband not believing me and believing a twisted teen.  I'd divorce over it.