I'm so sick and tired of being the bad guy time after time, and DH not growing a pair.

I was stupid and let DH invite SS21 to our house for Christmas. DH was super whiney about it, and "really wanted to have both his kids over for dinner" and that "SS seems like he's doing so much better". I told him it was only for Christmas. Christmas went ok, no fights or arguments, SS was actually pretty decent, course he wasn't really there long enough to cause any problems. DH took him home around 8 and I thought that was the end of it.

SS called his dad Friday, asking if he could come over Sunday to do a presentation. SS says he's going to start selling CutCo knives and needs some practice speaking in front of people. DH tells SS that we are on our way to visit my family but that maybe we can come home early to do it. As soon as he gets off the phone, I tell him I have no intention of leaving early for anything that has to do with SS, and they better figure out a place to do it..not at my house. DH drops the subject, won't talk to me about it, doesn't bring it up the rest of the weekend.

SS then calls twice on Sunday, to see when we're coming home. Second time he calls, DH tells him we're going to get home too late, but that maybe SS can come over during the week, before work on or on his (SS's) day off to do it. After DH hangs up, I question him about the call. Reminding him that we decided together, almost a year ago, that SS isn't welcome at our house, that Christmas was a one-off exception.

This starts a huge argument, the jist of the argument was DH saying he wants to believe his son is doing better and needs a way to test the waters, and DH telling me that I'm pushing his son away, making it impossible for him to spend any time with him. I lost it at that point, all I saw was red. Told DH I was done. Done with everything about SS, from now on I'm going to pretend he doesn't even exist. But to keep in mind, SS is not welcome at our house period, and never will be until he takes responsibility for having drugs in my house, and the needles that my daughter found, and apologizes for how crappy he treated me. Until that happens, he's not coming over, whether I'm there or not. Told DH he himself is causing the problems by not being a man and standing up for what he and I decided together, falling over backwards to help his son out in any way that he can after everything that has happened. He can't just wipe the slate clean and not sit down and talk to SS about the past and the disrepect in our house.

When we got home, I went to bed (at 8:00pm), put my earplugs in and shut the world out. DH came to bed at 2:15am. I left for work at 7:45am, haven't talked to him since.

My prediction for the future- I think SS will ask his dad for money, I think that's why he's being so chummy with his dad right now. DH just gave him the POS car that has been on the side of our house for years. Supposedly SS got his driver's license, but funny how when we asked to see it on Christmas, he didn't have it on him. I think he sold the car to someone. Not that I care, not my car, not my issue. But I do believe asking for money is what will come next.

*EDIT*
I am typing this up and handing it to DH when I get home:

1. SS21 is not welcome in our house until he takes responsibility for the past, the drugs and the disrespect in our house. If he is truly “recovering”, I’m sure his counselor would agree that this would be beneficial for him, instead of sweeping the past under the carpet and pretending it never happened. If his attitude has really changed, this shouldn’t make him blow up when you bring it up to him.

2. We both agreed that he wasn’t welcome at our house, now because I’m reinforcing it, why are you trying to use me as the scapegoat? Christmas was a one time exception and you knew that.

3. If you feel you need to test the waters with him, you could always take him out to lunch, to get a milkshake, or just to the park to spend time with him and talk to him about things. In no way am I trying to keep you from spending time with your son.

4. We will not start helping him financially.

5. We will not be buying any CutCo knives. We already have plenty of knives.

6. You can only make me out to be the bad guy so many times before I walk away. I have been more than supportive of you when it comes to him, but every time it gets turned around and I’m at fault for “not letting you help him”. If you can’t respect me or our marriage enough to talk to me about things before they blow up, I won’t stand around and be your emotional punching bag. I did nothing to make SS21 the person he is today, and I won’t be punished for how he is/his actions/choices.

7. You have helped SS21 plenty in the past and he has not appreciated any of it. There’s only so much you can do to help him, the rest he has to help himself with. Maybe you should look in to Al-Anon family meetings so you can hear this from someone other than me.

8. I have never made you agree with me on anything against your will, they have always been mutual decisions. Again, it’s about respecting the commitments you have made to me too; not going behind my back, then getting pissed off at me when I’m upset you’ve broken your side of the agreement.