3rd trimester and hating Due date and that he has a kid
Ok. I do love my stepdaughter. This is nothing to do with her as a person. I am glad she is alive and all that blah blah blah bullshit.
Now, I am human and I get to have feelings too.
I am do ON HER BIRTHDAY. Exactly. I fucking HATE THAT. I despise it, in fact. I overheard one man commenting on "that must be your favorite/lucky day of the year huh" or some fucking bullshit. I was already horrified that would be commented.
I despise that he had a baby with another woman. I HATE IT. He tried with the whore for four months and told me how she gets pregnant sooo easily. It took me eight years, two losses, and every OPK O day he would be "tired"...w t f ...or "not in the mood". W t f ...
I know this is all "Me" and all "in my head", but that doesn't make it suck for me any less. He says that she cheated around that time that she got pregnant and he lived on the couch and never went to appointments or Ultrasounds and never had sex with her after halfway through her pregnancy, but I think he is lying. He always makes things "sound nice". He was in the room when she delivered, as he should have been of course. I am glad he was, of course. But it feels like it is really taking away from my experience in my head. I know, I shouldn't let it, I know it is stupid..but it is still my feelings and I can't help it. I haven't always felt like this...just this past week.
My third trimester I was SO excited about and it has really sucked. My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive. My husband a week later got in my face and shoved his finger in my face screaming at me. No one gave a shit that it sent me into painful contractions and anxiety attack crying so hard I threw up. He didn't even call to check on me when he left and slept at his sisters house. I am trying to get over that...but I can't. I want to forget about it and move on..but I can't. He claims he thought about how I was, but he didn't.
But, it makes it all feel so ....less special...he has already had that OMG my first baby thing, with another woman. It will never be the same. I know I knew this before hand and typically I don't think about it or care and know its stupid, but lately I have been really upset over it and really self-conscious because the exwhore was about 102 lb and I am 215 lb and I am the biggest girl he had EVER been with.
I also know he did not want this baby like I did. I truly with all my heart believe he was "just going along with TTC so he didn't have to say no, but sabotaging it". He was always "too tired" "not in the mood" or asking to postpone for "just a few months due to finances"...I was 35 fucking years old. Then he would say "aww well, we are still happy if it doesn't happen"..
NO we are NOT still happy if it doesn't happen. I am 37 years old. I am running out of time! he has a fucking kid and he says "we have a child", no dumbass, YOU have a child that I am raising and tending to that you impregnated another woman with, even if I end up adopting her, exwhore is STILL the one that carried her and birthed her and is still her mother and I will either never be the mother of your child or will just be "one of the baby mommas". I fucking AHTETHAT.
I don't want him to look at me.
I know. I am emotional and irrational and this is all just stupid. It has nothing to do with my stepdaughter,herself, either. Just the circumstances I am facing with my pregancy at 34 weeks and being due on the same MF dumbass day.
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Realisticly....most people do
Realisticly....most people do not have their children on their due dates, dont stress youself........especially in your 3rd trimester!
It has all just been too much
It has all just been too much the past two weeks. Between my mother's nasty text messages (I cut her off) and my husband screaming and stomping over at me pointing in my face then leaving for the night and not even checking on me or seeming to care at all, knowing how i cannot handle the anxiety like that, and this horrible feeling about him having been through all the experience already having a baby with the whore. It will never be the same as if we were having our first together, as a first for both of us. You can never have your first a second time.
I married my husband because I love him, but my entire adult life I swore I would NEVER date a man that had been divorced or EVER date a man that had a kid because I always despised the idea, ya know? I only went out with DH because he lived 1.5 hours away in another state and with his work schedule we could only go out like once a month and just someone to go out with once in a while so friends would stop trying to make me date. I knew he had a kid, but I had NO intention of doing anything but dinner or a movie or get lucky once in a while.
I do love my stepdaughter. I just wish he had adopted her... sometimes, I fantasize that she isn't biologically his...because BM was actually cheating with two other men during that time and had men in the house while DH worked night shift. I don't see any resemblance to DH other than her large eyebrows. Nose and mouth are completely different from DH. Please don't bash me for admitting that little fantasy. I am very good to my stepdaughter and do everything for her as a mother's role... I just cannot help feel resentful of her conception and birth and existence from the past (I don't feel any different towards her as a person luckily).
Again, I realize how stupid and irrational it is, but I can't help feel so jealous and sad and angry right now.
People ask if this is our first... WTF do I say? YES? I want to say YESYESYES! But DH is always saying "I/we have an older child". I want to say YES; this **IS** MY FIRST. I can't even enjoy saying this is my FIRST. Then DH tells me to be careful not to ever say "YES my first" around stepdaughter. She is not stupid, she is aware that this is my first baby and she has a biological mother, whom she does not see much but she does love.
I think from now on if someone asks "is this your first" I am saying YES!
Out if everyone I know with
Out if everyone I know with kids I'm the only one who had 1 of my 2I on the due date (and it was natural labor) si statistically speaking it's unlikely you will either. Let your body do it's thing and don't let doctors rush you to induce unless thwre is a problem. This is your first baby, you get to be a momma! Be joyful for that. I always looked at my pregnancies like this I'd still want this even if I would be doing it as a single mom because being mom was what I wanted all the rest was just a bonus, don't beat yourself or DH up for the past we can't change our mistakes just learn and move forward. Remeber it's YOUR pregnancy, your body no one gets to tell you how it has to be (not even the doctors they work for you not the other way around) call the shots and I bet you'll be okay.
<> This exactly. He kept
<>
This exactly. He kept saying "but we have a kid".(no, WE don't!)..and saied maybe we should postpone (I was 34 at that time...wtf).
Regardless, I am pregnant now and in third trimester and he has attended all the OB visits.
He already got to have the "aww Christmas baby"...so I don't even get THAT! :sick:
I do feel bad for having these ugly jealousy feelings and thoughts and resentments, but I can't help it.
Honey, you need a glass of
Honey, you need a glass of wine. It's ok to have one while you're pregnant.
You sound so upset and so insecure. I feel badly for you.
Your DH may or may not have wanted another child. YOU very clearly wanted a child, and he obliged you. Now you're upset that he isn't over the moon. Well? Maybe he'll come around later, maybe not. It's a risk you take when you insist on having a child with someone who isn't feeling in like you are.
If the due date bothers you THIS much, ask if you can be induced a day early. Or... realize that first babies almost never show up on their due dute.
My DD was due on the same day as my sister died years ago AND the birthday of my X who is a POS baby daddy who knocked me up at 18 and left.
Lovely.
She was induced early.
Sueu is right. I didn't even
Sueu is right. I didn't even think about this. Your doctors and the nurses do need to know if you've had a child before because it could change the way they do things and what they say to you. Your DH can go suck it, he needs to understand at some things that are important to you needs to be respected and that includes being able to tell people that it is your first.
I seriously question the mental capacity of some men...
<> That's the problem. He
<>
That's the problem. He has always said he DID want it and DID want to TTC and said he was thrilled, and told his family even when I wanted to wait until past 1st trimester...He does go to every appointment. He has told all his work friends. He did post all about it on facebook even when I said I didn't want it on facebook because someone would pass the info to my mom. He has gone baby shopping every single time I have ever walked into baby section of a store. He has never said he was reluctant or didn't want it and really he has never even acted like he isn't over the moon...he admitted he was 80% into it and just had financial concerns and "starting over with a baby at almost 40" concerns, but I had those same concerns and really wanted it.
I am doubting and questioning DH's words and actions, like its all a big facade. - See, he has lied regularly and "softened the truth" to "not hurt my feelings" or to "not make me mad" so much it feels like maybe I should question what he does and says if its really true or if I can actually believe what he says!
I just keep getting these weird thoughts and feelings like its all fake that he puts on.
I keep having these insecure and jealous feelings this past week; I had none of these feelings the first 32 weeks at all either!
Just this past week, primarily, after the week I had with my mother (she got Cut off) and the fight with DH..its like I am in an emotional downward spiral or something. I think I am crashing into depression episode actually. I think all that anxiety and stress from them being dicks has triggered it and now I have to work through it and try to pull myself out of it.
I swear though, if there is ONE MF comment about "deja vu" or anything making any assanine comment or joke to DH about being in L&D on Christmas twice or 'liking March' or anything of the sort, I am not going to sit and smile again, I will tell the person to go fuck themselves and I will leave or ask them to leave.
One person tries to talk about stepdaughter's birth during my hospital stay, and I will tell them to FUCKOFF. They already did that ruining the ultrasound; it ended up being all talking about how precious SD was in utero and how she had ultrasounds and was born. BLEGH. --I myself have talked to her about her birth and encouraged her aunt to tell her about visiting her in the hospital to meet her **AT APPROPRIATE TIMES NOT AT MY MFING ULTRASOUND AND NOT WHEN I AM IN THE HOSPITAL HAING MY BABY**
I know in my head that DH is excited and wants this baby, I just am struggling with some irrational fears and depression this week I suppose. The horror of people making comments bothers me.
Maybe I will reply to someones stupid "here again on Christmas HUH hur hur hur" bullshit comment with "YEP you got it Mr.DUmbass, my husband fucked another woman 13 years ago and had a baby with her THANKS for bringing it up and rubbing that in my face on MY baby's birth and my special day, really classy of you now get the fuck out".
--- I love that idea! I actually feel better thinking about saying that if faced with that situation and not feeling nearly as upset!
Um okay, maybe it's only me
Um okay, maybe it's only me but it is NOT OKAY with how he yelled and got in your face and didn't care to check up on you when you got contractions. THAT is not a sign of a man who takes the responsibility of another human being, his wife, seriously. HOLY CRAP, that bugs me out.
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be mean, and your feelings about wanting to be first is understandable, many women, AND MEN, are like that. Take a deep breath, and take care of yourself. Women are most likely abused during pregnancy, and abuse includes neglect. Emotional neglect is just as damaging as physical neglect. Tell him what you need from him, because he may not know. If he doesn't compromise with you, that's a huge problem and you may want to consider going to couple's counseling.
I hated being pregnant. I was
I hated being pregnant. I was so emotional all the time. I felt like I was as big as a house. It didn't help that DH tells me that when BM was pregnant you couldn't even tell! Thats nice. I almost punched him in the face. I hated the kids being around me (SD was 11 and BD was 6) Everything they did drove me crazy and I was sick every single day.
I wouldn't worry about the due date. My due date was June 11. When I told my mother this she freaked out screaming at me and forbid me to tell anyone because that was the date my sister's baby died but years earlier. She ended up being born a week earlier and 2 days after my birthday.
When I was married to my exh, my due date was the date his brother killed himself. I mean honestly I was so upset. No one wanted the baby to be born that day. Luckily she came a day early!!
I hate that DH had a baby with gross BM. When I told him I was sad that I was not his first, he told me he was sad that it was not my first because I had DD.
My DH was blind to my emotions when I was pregnant. But once the baby was born he was so wonderful. You will feel so much better. There is nothing like the first time you get to hold your baby in your arms. You just fall in love!!
When I was married to my exh, I was in the delivery room feeling terrible. His mother kept calling telling him that BM is so upset. Then BM called. THen SD called. Then they all did a three way call. The cord was across my face. I ripped the freakin phone out of his hand and threatened to strangle anyone who touched it with the cord. Ugh!!
ripley:I have cried about
ripley:I have cried about "lack of firsts" before. I know what that's like. But even without a first he has something unique with you, a loving relationship. Sure he may be lacking in the attentive dept, but something g mad yu love him. And him love you.
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Thank you for saying that. I felt so down on myself for crying over that fact nine years later and at 34 weeks, like something was just wrong with me. I never had a real problem with it except during my first miscarriage and I got depression and resentful and this week.
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not2sureimsanea: Tell him what you need from him, because he may not know. If he doesn't compromise with you, that's a huge problem and you may want to consider going to couple's counseling.
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He does everything right, so why do I feel like this? He hugs me, kisses me, sits on the couch with his arm around me, goes to every appointment and looks at baby clothes any time I have the screen open online or go to the store. My feelings are really irrational because he is not doing anything to provoke my feeling like he is not interested enough or into it enough. He attended every single OB appointment since conception! I know, I am and should be grateful, so why am I being so negative and whiney, why have these thoughts. It has to be a depressive episode, I freaking hate that.
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As for the screaming at me and getting in my face, yes, he stomped across the room with his finger in my face saying "Fuck you" and "liar". I screamed back the same words and pointed back and he screamed "get your fucking finger out of my face and lower you god damn voice". I threw my headphones on the floor and he was all "don't dare break that"...so I broke it. He acted like I threw them at him when it was clearly on the floor at my feet. He tried to say that *I* got in HIS face...when I was standing with my back against my desk next to my chair and he came in the room, crossed the room, and got right in my face.
Maybe this is causing me some of this anxiety and distrust...as supportive and involved as he had been through the entire pregnancy- I cannot think about any positives and can only see that night.
I had not every experienced that with him before. In NINE YEARS he never stood over me and shouted in my face. I hate to admit that I was scared for a minute. I didn't start crying and vomiting until he left the house. Then I couldn't get over that he never even cared to check if I was alright - because he knows how I went into contractions after being verbally assaulted/confronted by my mother in texts and how I threw up from crying over her. Not to sound like a poor little me martyr (my mothers nickname for me), but it really hurt. I get why he was mad, but FFS.
The next day he came home and I wouldn't let him in the room and told him to fuck off and had a bag packed for him to stay the week at his sister's house. He told me he did think about me, but didn't check on us because stepdaughter had texted his sister asking if he had gone over there. ...He was more concerned about stepdaughter and apologized to her and told her he would never leave without telling her first and that it was not her fault and he thought about her... I cant explain how much this bothers me, maybe this is what I cant get over..
I think I am not able to get over that night with him last week.
Wine: Yeah, I haven't had any alcohol since New Years. I couldn't drink a glass of wine if you paid me, I would have so much anxiety over it.
If it was just a one time
If it was just a one time thing then I get it, me and SO have lost it at each other before. However, I think you guys both need to take a step back and set some ground rules, even about arguments. I don't think it is healthy to curse at each other, and if it looks to be escalating, WALK OUT. Tell him you need to remove yourself from the situation because you recognize that it is escalating. I am not saying this to scare you but sometimes when the dam breaks... it breaks hard, and these things can reoccur. I don't want this kind of argument to become habit, because it often can.
The one time, and one time only when DH punched and broke a picture frame (of Lincoln no less, in an argument about keeping one's word) and then got in MY face, I backed myself against a wall and told him to stay away from me. I wasn't afraid of him, more than I was afraid of what such a reaction represented--he can lose control and be physical about it. He tried to come near me after seeing me scared and hold me but I told him to stay away, and to not touch me. I kept him at arms length for nearly two weeks, and after, when we finally sat down and talked about what happened, he said that making me afraid of him was the worst thing he had ever done in his life. I told him it takes a while to build back trust and he understood. We took it slow after that.
I don't know if you are being completely irrational though, since although someone can come to the OB every time and still, something can be off. The fact that he didn't freak out when you had issues medically... well... I don't know, but when Hurricane Sandy barreled through our town and me and DH were having a fight and I told him to leave me alone and go back to the apartment (we have a house and an apartment), he still came running with duct tape and bottles of water and said that he didn't care if he had to sleep in the basement but he didn't want me alone in case something happened. There's a level of priority, and a pregnant wife whose having contractions tops almost anything else I can think of. If his pride got in the way of checking up on you, even when you didn't want him around, I don't know...
Anyway, if otherwise he is good, I think a big dose of healthy communication can patch things up. Not 100% but it will be a very good start. Talk about how you feel, how he feels, and try to be understanding of both. I hope you guys can work it out.
All couples fight, and do
All couples fight, and do things that are mean. ALL of them.
Yeah, this was just the first time he punched a wall and came at me to stand over me and scream. I hadn't ever experienced that before and it scared me and all I could think of was I am 33 weeks pregnant and he is in my face and he knows how sick I got when my mom attacked.
I also cannot stop thinking about it. The reason he was so mad. Who reacts that violently? I told him when we were talking the night before about trying to be more open and our sex life, he said he fantasized about a threesome. He then said "if we ever do it" and "If it ever really happens I would like xyz". Well, to me it sounded like he was not just sharing a fantasy, but was looking to feel out his chances for real life. DUring that calm discussion, I said "you understand that doing that is something we could NEVER take back and never recover from, right?" Then I said, "you realize I will NEVER actually do that, right?" .. so that was Monday. I thought about it and cried all day Tuesday, so I wrote him an email and said something along the lines of "how would you feel if I said 'if I ever really get to have another man fucking me while you watch' or 'if I really ever suck another mans cock' and kept using those phrases of "ever really" or "if and when we might".
He went BSC. Why would he react slamming the door (same door) three times, punching the wall, screaming "bitch", grabbing his coat and hat and slamming back through the bedroom to get his finger in my face and scream "how dare you what is your problem; you like making me look bad like a horrible person; you are the horrible person; fuck you. Then pointing finger stomping up in my face.
I want to let it go. I tried. I had sex with him three nights in a row, let him look at porn with sex, said all was great yay, but this is stuck in my head today and I keep having those creeping doubts and feelings that he is lying or telling half-truths.
After that fight, he tried to tell me that he never rushed at me across the room and that *I* rushed at HIM!!! I was standing with my butt against my desk and he came from the hall into the room, screamed some, then crossed to be in my face. I was afraid that he was going to hit me; his eyes looked like he wanted to hit me, but of course he denies it.
I keep seeing it in my mind though. Replaying. He says how wonderful our relationship is now and how much closer we are and yay for having that fight because now I let him watch porn while we have sex. Yes, I like it too, but its bothering me.
Ihate the half-truths and lies to "spare my feelings". It makes me doubt everything he does and says, like so he comes to every OB appointment and says he wants to...doesn't mean he really does.
Just so u know... i dont have
Just so u know... i dont have any children and dh has a son. whenevr people ask if i have any kids i ALWAYS say "no... my husband does tho" i have been in ss life since he was 2 but no... he is not mine And never will be. my husband knows how i feel and luckily is supportive and understanding. good luck and tAke care of that baby!
I felt exactly like you when
I felt exactly like you when I was pregnant (at age 40!) and DH had his HELLION 8 yr old child living with us full time! It was horrible to feel like I was his SECOND experience with all this. It was horrible to think of SD being anywhere near the hospital when my most precious baby girl was born. It was horrible imagining SD being a sibling to my baby.
Hang in there and try to believe that it will all improve with time. My baby is now 2 1/2 yrs old and SD10 is never going to stop being her asshole self and will never be quite normal. The difference is, these days, I just DON'T GIVE A SHIT! It always makes me smile when I see my 2 yr old saying & doing more incredible things than this mental case SD10 can do. It makes me happy when DH admires BD2 and we both know that he never had the same experience with stupid BM.
Oh, and my oldest BD22 had a son 2 yrs ago and he was born on the SAME DAY as BM....I was depressed for a long time about that until I convinced myself that my grandson's birth replaced and corrected what was wrong in the universe the day BM was born!
I adore my stepdaughter and
I adore my stepdaughter and am absolutely thrilled to have her as my daughter and as my baby's big sister; she is wonderful. None of these ugly petty feelings are directed at her or affect my love for her or make me see her differently as a person. It just got stuck in my head this week and caused me all sorts of doubts and jealousy that I didn't expect.
Even more reason to show my thoughts were/are irrational, when DH got home he hugged and kissed me and put his hands on my stomach and asked how baby was and if he had been moving. After dinner, he sat on the couch with me, resting his hands on my stomach saying he wanted to feel the baby move and was telling his friend at work how close we were now less than 40 days and about the upcoming ultrasound... That's normal stuff for DH, so while I was having these anxieties, jealousies, and fears, I knew it didn't make sense.
We talked about what the root of it was last night. I don't want anyone talking about SD's birth at the hospital when I am having my baby. Now, the reason I have to even say it is because I have encouraged family to discuss her birth and her being a baby and all that with her *at appropriate times if she asks* because it is her birth and special of course. Just NOT at my ultrasound or my delivery. I told him my fears of that.
I also told him my fears of the due date and ugly comments or jokes and he was so wonderful and said he would not tolerate anyone saying anything tacky and that this is so special because this baby he will have a partner with. He was like, don't you remember me telling you she was cheating around the time she got pregnant and all through her pregnancy and after and how I stayed and slept on the couch because I was afraid if it was mine and I left then she would get custody and how she never helped even change a diaper and left her in the crib for hours crying until I got home or how I had to take her to daycare when I was at work so someone would feed her and change her? You don't understand how special and how "first" this IS for me.
I feel so much better after last night. Posting blogging first helps me release some of the higher intensity of the emotions and talk better.
Yes, while the email was not intended to be insulting, I definitely see how it was and why he was mad that night. I really do want to let go and move on and I really did forgive and move on until yesterday when the thoughts were just flashing images of that night in my head and I just couldn't do anything about it. Things are fine now that I talked to him again and he gave me more reassurance and affection.
Thank you. I started having
Thank you. I started having these stupid feelings again today and came back to read my post/thread and remind myself that it is all just in my head from the anxiety disorder.