BM and SD Filled Morning. Why did I do this?
FDH is celebrating a landmark birthday today. Despite her best efforts to stay home with BM, SD12 was here last night for visitation. I had a nice dinner and cake for him so he could celebrate with his daughter. Of course, the whole thing got off to a very late start because she refused to come out of the house and get in his car. This resulted in BM leaving the house (somehow this was supposed to help) and then FDH going IN her house to get her. Not happy about that but I think that issue will go away entirely soon when BM moves in with her man and/or they go back to court where he will ask for her to do 50% of the driving.
Any hoo…
This morning, FDH was getting ready for work and I was sleeping (I work from home so get to sleep later since I don’t have to get dressed, drive, etc…) He was running late. His phone starts ringing which woke me up. He looks at his phone and declines the call. I asked who it was and he said it was BM. I said “Well, why the heck didn’t you answer the call?” I was thinking he was trying to avoid talking to her while I was there. He says it was because he didn’t want to disturb me. Right… So he called her back and I can hear her big mouth wishing him a happy birthday and being all laughy/giggly with him and making jokes about him being old now. He, of course, said “thank you” to the birthday wish but wasn’t going there (again—I was in the room). She said that she had a meeting at1030 this morning in our town and offered to pick up SD here so he wouldn’t have to drive her home. He declines this offer.
When he hung up this occurred:
Me- What the heck? Why did you decline her offer? You are going to drive an hour out of your way when you’re already late and need to leave early today when BM is willing for once to help out and drive her???
FDH- Um, well, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to inconvenience you.
Me- UM, well, I was sitting RIGHT here!! Why didn’t you ask BM to hold so that we could discuss before you just said no? I don’t understand. Call her back.
So he calls BM and they agreed she’d pick up SD here at 1130 after her meeting. Of course, I can hear more joking and giggling on her end and she said this was her birthday present to him. Seriously, lady??
After he got off the phone:
FDH- Should I wake up SD or let her sleep in?
Me- You should wake her up and let her know you are leaving and what’s going on and then she can go back to sleep for a while. Also, tell her she needs to be responsible to do her own blood tests and manage her diabetes because I have meetings all morning and won’t be chasing her on this. I don’t need WW III going on here today so she needs to be responsible.
FDH- BE NICE TO MY DAUGHTER!
Me- Are you effing kidding me?? All I said is that I am not going to spend my morning waking her up, chasing her to do what she should do on her own. I am not going to coddle her like you two do. That’s all I said. There is no reason that she can’t do these things and you’re acting like I am being mean to your kids because I refuse to let her act like an effing baby. If you two want to treat her like she’s helpless, let her not go to school for the next several years or whatever else you decide, that’s up to you. But do NOT make me the bad guy for being normal.
FDH- Uh, ok…. Thanks for helping with this.
Me- Tell me the truth. BM seemed rather chummy on the phone. Have you been having friendly phone calls with her recently?
FDH- No.
I don’t know if I should believe him.
Now SD is awake. I asked her if she took a blood test. She said yes but wouldn’t tell me the results. I asked her if she was going to have breakfast and she barely responded. So I just sent this email to FDH:
“SD has been up for about 30 minutes. She’s drinking iced coffee. I just asked her if she tested and she said yes. I asked her if it was OK and got a smile but unintelligible answer. I asked her if she was going to eat something and I think she responded in Japanese or something. So, she’s going to go home hungry and BM can deal with that. I tried. “
I seriously do not know why I did this. I was trying to help him out on his birthday but now I have to listen to SD giggle at her computer while I am on calls. I am filled with anxiety as this will be my first real run-in with BM in months/ since all the craziness started. And I am irritated that things are back sliding with them (him in her house last night, her being all friendly and jokey on the phone as if they are buddies, a feeling like that call would’ve gone much differently if I hadn’t been there—bet he would’ve been all laughy face too. ) Just so tired of this.
I’ll blog again if anything happens at the BM kid exchange soon.
- Anne Boleyn's blog
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Comments
Oh and I just told SD to be
Oh and I just told SD to be sure she's ready and packed to go as her mom will be here soon. She gets all her stuff together but is still in her nightgown. I asked her if she was getting dressed and she said "at home". I told her she might not want to wear her nightgown in the car. She said she wants to. I said "OK, fine. Hope your mom doesn't need to stop anywhere on the way'. So now she's going home hungry and in a nightgown with no shoes. I will look like Step-Mother of the Year.
Wow, what bullshit indeed. I
Wow, what bullshit indeed. I don't know how you do it. Honestly. By this point, I'd be so fucking fed up with BM and Sd's crap I'd blow!
Anne, this sounds like a
Anne, this sounds like a typical event at our house before SS moved in with BM.
SS has diabetes also so BM and DH treated him like an invalid. Everyone in the house was responsible for SS's diabetes EXCEPT SS.
The constant "did you check your blood sugar?", "did you dose?", "what is your blood sugar number?" "how are you feeling?", "is your blood sugar high/low?" "what have you eaten lately" grated on my nerves.
He was 13 - 18 years old. When was he going to start being responsible for his diabetes?
On top of that BM's daily calls to DH "how is SS feeling?", "did you know SS's blood sugar is high?", "did you know SS ate this and ran up his blood sugar?", "have you talked to SS about keeping better track of his diabetes?", "will you talk to SS about his blood sugar?", "are you tracking SS's blood sugar levels?".
Then the crying and bawling calls from BM to DH about SS, his diabetes and how SS is depressed and his blood sugar is out of control. Her accusing us of feeding him junk, her accusing us of not monitoring his blood sugar, her accusing DH of not paying enough attention to SS, and the list could go on. All of these calls came whether he was with her or us.
Before some one slams me. I do feel for SS but he was relying on everyone else to take responsibility for his condition and was learning that from BM and DH. So everyone else was running around monitoring him but he was eating, drinking and doing whatever he wanted. It was just ridiculous.
Oh, and of course BM and DH were always chummy on the phone because they have a "child together that has a disease". So that gave them the right to discuss matters that were not related to SS because they needed to remain friendly, etc.
BM would call and laugh and joke to DH. She would bring up old times and spend 2 sentences talking about SS. I knew that if I was in the room DH was guarding his responses. I was sure the conversation went different when I was not present.
It was driving me NUTS but DH convinced me that I had to deal with it because of SS's disease.
After a few other stunts that BM pulled (and ST)I had enough. I started having panic and anxiety attacks it was a nightmare. DH could be chummy, chummy friends with BM or he could be married to me and they were not going to use the EXCUSE that they have a child with a disease.
It's been a long haul but it is finally better.
**Sorry for the rant but this brought back so many unhappy memories for me**
I am so glad someone
I am so glad someone understands. I am sorry that SD got stuck with a crappy disease as a kid. But I am SO tired of it running our lives. Our Father's Day picnic was ruined because she was too hot. And of course, you can't give her a hard time about acting lazy and selfish and complaining and ruining everyone's day because of her diabetes. They pin every bit of her shitty behavior on that.
If I were you, I would
If I were you, I would definitely pull back from this situation. It doesn't sound like anyone is taking your suggestions or being grateful for anything you do - so why do them? Right now, you are probably coming across as a nag to your FDH... is that what you really want?
A lot of people on this site talk about "disengaging" but my first marriage ended as a result of infidelity and one of the coping skills I learned during that was the "180". It really helped me - maybe it will help you to? Here it is copies and pasted from another site:
180
180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)
So here's the list:
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in
your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue?
No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back.
Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."